My partner's NRE is effecting their libido for me.

[Limbs4Language]

My partner recently confessed that they don't feel sexual desire towards me at the moment, that it has recently gone away, this has happened during the space of them starting a new relationship with big NRE-vibes. It really cut me up to find this out and I'm not willing to do be a sexless primary partner long-term. It really hurt me and made me feel very ashamed of my body, my sex and myself in general. It felt doomed.

After discussing it in-depth, I'm a bit more positive; this is the first time my partner has had something this serious outside of our respectful polyamorous relationship and It happened a bit unexpectedly and uncomfortably. I am not monogamous (I am dating someone else, but it's less serious currently) but I've found their relationship challenging. It's gotten A LOT easier over time... but it's still not easy (I'm also quite new to this).

I feel like, the temptation to match or fix the relationship after these events, and to validate our sexual life is stopping it from being actually fun and it's causing a stressful atmosphere that's not conducive to a fun little bonk.

I feel spurned and rejected and so I'm trying to be sexier and more exciting and my partner feels like I'm scoring points by initiating sex and trying off-puttingly hard.

I cannot stress enough, I am loved and in love with this person. And we both were terrified this Monday, that this was going to be the end of our relationship.

poly resources are pretty dogshit on this issue, everything is like... break up or be happy without sex, bub. But it seems like monogamous couples get this problem -particularly long-term - fairly frequently. It's just more convoluted.

Everywhere on the web people say NRE has increased their sexual appetite for their long-term partner. But for us, it's caused strain and now we're at a bit of a scary crossroads.

I'm not necessarily looking for solutions, I'd appreciate some honest responses from people in NRE, people with similar;y difficult experiences (ideally successfully fixed but also not fixed), Wise-poly warlocks with decades of experience. I'd like to feel less alone, and like I'm not a worthless, ugly piece of shit.

The hardest thing about this is that I can't talk to anyone about it because I feel the social stigma of being a man, whose partner doesn't want to sleep with them but really does want to sleep with another man is to strong and shameful.

Addendum: I don't do drugs, they do... I wonder whether these weekends are just like high, high, high dopamine and that doing the work of making sure I'm okay as the long-term partner is like, stress... guilt... Admin. I'm not, NOT fun. But i wonder whether chemically it's just too far apart, ya know.

 

[Limbs4Language]

I'm hoping that as I get more comfortable, and they get less puppy dog-ish it'll settle out. Which is what I want ultimately.

 

[Inaniel]

For some reason, I hold the belief that sexual detachment is unlikely to reverse. While I lack factual evidence to substantiate this claim, I must acknowledge the potential bias arising from my own circumstances. However, it is worth noting that few individuals in situations similar to yours have returned to the forum to report successful reversals of such circumstances.

Embarking on a relationship with someone with whom I share a remarkable level of sexual compatibility has brought to the forefront the sexual issues present with my other partner. Prior to embracing polyamory, I was convinced that there were no significant sexual problems between us. However, with the advantage of hindsight and emotional healing, I now see the past more clearly.

At present, I engage in a sexual relationship with one of my polyamorous partners, while my other partner (formerly my main focus) provides more of a cuddly and affectionate dynamic. It has been years since we last engaged in sexual activity, yet both my partner and I remain satisfied and content, even in the absence of sexual intimacy.

You mentioned that you are not willing to be a sexless primary partner in the long term. If that is genuinely the case, I would strongly advise against accepting the role of a short-term sexless primary partner as well. I understand the pain you are experiencing and the hope you are holding onto, but it is important to recognize that no one can guarantee the return of sexual activity with certainty.

I can see the situation going either way, but if you passively wait for the rekindling of sexual desire and it never occurs, you will only subject yourself to emotional turmoil and emerge even more bruised at the end of the process. On the other hand, if you take steps to deprioritize the relationship now, there is still a possibility that things may reignite someday. In that scenario, you will know that you didn't compromise your desires or self-respect.

In my own experience, I have found happiness in being a sexless partner to someone. However, I went through a period of significant unhappiness before realizing that I couldn't be a sexless "husband" and make commitments of future care and support without a fulfilling sexual connection. This disparity in sexual quality and connection between partners, along with other reasons, deeply affected my understanding of hierarchy. As a result, I made the choice to divorce and disentangle myself from the relationship until I found a level of comfort. Surprisingly, my partner also embraced these terms. Now, we coexist as affectionate roommates, dedicated to raising our child together and maintaining our friendship, without making long-term promises to each other beyond that.

 

[Magdlyn]

My [female] partner recently confessed that they don't feel sexual desire towards me at the moment, that it has recently gone away. This has happened during the space of them starting a new relationship [with another guy] with big NRE-vibes. It really cut me up to find this out and I'm not willing to do be a sexless primary partner long-term. It really hurt me and made me feel very ashamed of my body, my sex and myself in general. It felt doomed.

So as you say at the end, you're a guy, your partner (let's call her Jane) is a woman and she is newly dating another guy (call him Jim). I have some questions:
How long have they been together?
How was your sex (and dating) life with Jane before she got together with Jim? Was it frequent, varied, fulfilling for both of you?
Are you having other issues that prevent good sex from happening?

After discussing it in-depth, I'm a bit more positive; this is the first time my partner has had something this serious outside of our respectful polyamorous relationship and it happened a bit unexpectedly and uncomfortably. I am not monogamous (I am dating someone else, but it's less serious currently), but I've found their relationship challenging. It's gotten A LOT easier over time... but it's still not easy. (I'm also quite new to this).

Welcome to the rollercoaster of polyamory.

I feel like the temptation to match or fix the relationship after these events, and to validate our sexual life, is stopping it from being actually fun, and it's causing a stressful atmosphere that's not conducive to a fun little bonk.

It sounds like you may have been comparing things, like, "Hey. Jim got some, now it's my turn." Jane might be too tired right after a date with Jim to have sex right away, while you are in a hurry to "reclaim" her. Have you talked about this with Jane? Does she care at all about curbing her NRE? Or is she willing to lose you by giving everything she's got to Jim?

I feel spurned and rejected and so I'm trying to be sexier and more exciting. Jane feels like I'm scoring points by initiating sex and trying off-puttingly hard.

Catch 22, huh?

I cannot stress enough, I am loved by and in love with Jane. And we both were terrified this Monday that this was going to be the end of our relationship.

Poly resources are pretty dogshit on this issue, everything is like... "Break up or be happy without sex, bub." But it seems like monogamous couples get this problem -particularly long-term - fairly frequently. It's just more convoluted.

Sure. The sex with mono couples can wax and wane. All the usual reasons, stress at work, family issues, kids, maybe meds (antidepressants are notorious for lessening the libido), illness or injury, hormonal changes. A key one is familiarity. A new person is so exciting! Therefore you do have to beware of the new and shiny person getting all her interest. Of course, that could happen to you too, if you meet the right new person.

I can't stress enough that people need to curb their NRE, not just for the sex reason, but for other reasons too. I hope Jane and you will read the book Opening Up, which covers this issues and much more.

Also, here's an article you can read right away.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Everywhere on the web people say NRE has increased their sexual appetite for their long-term partner. But for us, it's caused strain and now we're at a bit of a scary crossroads.

I'm surprised it says that "everywhere." It can go either way, definitely. Or the sex between the primary couple could remain the same. We are all different.

I'm not necessarily looking for solutions, I'd appreciate some honest responses from people in NRE, people with similar difficult experiences (ideally successfully fixed but also not fixed), wise-poly warlocks with decades of experience. I'd like to feel less alone, and like I'm not a worthless, ugly piece of shit.

You're not a worthless ugly piece of shit. You and Jane are just newbies and she's making a newbie mistake! She is being disrespectful of you and your needs.

But maybe you two were taking each other for granted before, not grooming well, not keeping in shape, not DATING each other. Do you make more of an effort for your new gf than you do for Jane? Take a shower right before a date, get a little dressed up, etc.? Do you expect Jane to have sex when you're kinda dirty and dressed in an old tshirt and sweats? Do you take Jane out on special dates, or just sit around, do chores, watch different screens in the evening?

The hardest thing about this is that I can't talk to anyone about it because I feel the social stigma of being a man whose partner doesn't want to sleep with them but really does want to sleep with another man is so strong and shameful.

I hear you. The patriarchy is like that.

Addendum: I don't do drugs, they do... I wonder whether these weekends are just like high, high, high dopamine and that doing the work of making sure I'm okay as the long-term partner is like, stress... guilt... Admin. I'm not, NOT fun. But i wonder whether chemically it's just too far apart, ya know.

Well, it could be the "drugs." (Hopefully you just mean weed or shrooms or a couple drinks, not anything hard.) But NRE itself is a powerful drug. It generally lasts only 6-18 months (if you see your partner regularly). But it could reoccur if another relationship is added, so it's best to learn how to regulate it.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

My experience tells me that this waning of libido in her first real poly relationship is a sign of impending doom.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Limbs4Language,

Basically there are two options that initially come to my mind. One is to break up with your partner -- probably something you're not willing to do. The other is to wait out the NRE, which should start to fade in a year or two (more or less), and then see if your partner's sexual desire for you doesn't return. It may even return before the NRE starts to fade, who knows. But I know it won't be easy to wait, especially not knowing how long you'll have to wait.

NRE doesn't always increase one's sexual desire for one's original partner, it can have the opposite effect or even no effect at all. Your situation is not as unusual as it may seem, and you are not alone.

Sorry I couldn't offer you more at the moment. Your partner plays a role in this too, the onus is on them to make their own efforts to improve their sexual relationship with you. Also more information may help in this thread, such as what specific steps you are taking to make yourself more desirable, etc.

I hope you are able to work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Openbook23]

As others have said, there is no 'normal' for libido when seeing a new partner. There is the NRE, as others have mentioned, but how that affects existing relationships depends. From what I've read, it seems to depend most on whether the existing relationship already has problems. People who open up in order to fix a relationship are far more likely to find that it hyper focuses on the things that were wrong in the relationship in the first place. If there was a problem with the sex life, opening up will make them more evident, not less so. The people who find their sex life increasing with existing partners likely didn't have serious sex-life problems, but something more like a waning sex drive themselves. Basically, the NRE sparks that back up.

But if there are existing brakes (a metaphor I'm borrowing from the book Come as You Are), opening up tends to amplify them, rather than decrease them. We don't have enough information to say in this case, but I'm sorry you are going through this. I can see it really hurts, and you might consider couples counseling if you really want to stay in the relationship.

Mostly, though, I want to echo those above who say that you are not ugly and worthless. I know I know...I don't know what you look like. It doesn't matter. People are attracted to all sorts of other people. You mention that you are dating someone; so clearly you can attract partners. It may not be "as serious" but someone wanted to go out with you, and that means the person did not find you ugly and worthless....that remains true even if that dating stops. Your partner sounds like she's deep in the NRE, and she should be doing a better job of assuring you. If she's new to these feelings, she may not even realize it.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if these thoughts might help you any. Ignore me if they don't.

So your partner doesn't feel like sharing sex with you right now, and you took it to this place.

It really hurt me and made me feel very ashamed of my body, my sex and myself in general. It felt doomed.

Why can't it just be HER not in the mood for sex right now? Why does it have to be so tied up with YOUR value as a person?

After discussing it in-depth, I'm a bit more positive; this is the first time my partner has had something this serious outside of our respectful polyamorous relationship and It happened a bit unexpectedly and uncomfortably. I am not monogamous (I am dating someone else, but it's less serious currently) but I've found their relationship challenging. It's gotten A LOT easier over time... but it's still not easy. (I'm also quite new to this.)

I'm not sure what that MEANS, but I'll accept that this is consenting, respectful polyamory all around. Maybe it's nerves because it's her first serious BF after you.

I feel like, the temptation to match or fix the relationship after these events, and to validate our sexual life is stopping it from being actually fun and it's causing a stressful atmosphere that's not conducive to a fun little bonk.

Why is there this need to "compare and compete?" Maybe this will help you:

kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is

www.kathylabriola.com

If it were me, I'm not gonna want to be a sex-dispensing machine, where, if I share sex with one, I have to go dole some out to the other one for their ego. I'm not a candy bar where everyone gets a bite.

I think partners share sex when they want to share sex, not like a duty or obligation or chore.

I'm hoping that as I get more comfortable, and they get less puppy doggish it'll settle out, which is what I want, ultimately.

Then wait it out, both for your anxiety feelings to calm down and for them to get less puppy doggish, all NRE lalalas.

I'm not necessarily looking for solutions, I'd appreciate some honest responses from people in NRE, people with similar;y difficult experiences (ideally successfully fixed but also not fixed), Wise-poly warlocks with decades of experience. I'd like to feel less alone, and like I'm not a worthless, ugly piece of shit.

Okay, I'm going to be honest. Some of it might be hard to hear.

I find NRE ANNOYING.

Like yeah, whee and all that. Fun.

But it is also ANNOYING to me. Intrusive thoughts, not being able to focus, etc. I get that a brain chemistry thing is going on and it will calm down over time. But even so... it's ANNOYING. Some people like the "NRE high." I do not always. I prefer established relationship energy.

I think you could be kinder to yourself and not call yourself mean names like "piece of shit." Watching or listening to people devalue and degrade themselves is NOT a turn on. I find this kind of talk really off-putting.

I don't know where you learned to be your own self bully like that, or what doing that behavior does for you. But I think you could work on yourself to heal that, engaging a counselor to help you if needed.

Do you have to sit around listening to THAT on your brain radio station all day long? You are the DJ. Why are you putting THAT album on?

Me? I can't be around that kind of negative self talk. if I were dating you, I'd end it and move on. I do not exist to be someone else's life raft person. I don't want to sit there reassuring you that you are not terrible, you are not shit, because I know at best that's a temporary fix til you go kicking your own bucket over again.

YOU have to do the inner work to really heal that for changes to be permanent.

The hardest thing about this is that I can't talk to anyone about it because I feel the social stigma of being a man, whose partner doesn't want to sleep with them but really does want to sleep with another man is to strong and shameful.

And this is where patriarchy BS hurts men. If you bought into the whole "real men don't cry" and "real men don't talk about that" you are basically cutting yourself off from support.

If you don't have friends to talk to about it, seek a counselor. Work on making better friends.

Man = big wallet and big dick? Is that all men are good for?

Have you bought into that idea, and your sense of self tied is up in you and your partner having sex, you being Mr. Stud, like you aren't a real man if you aren't banging her all day?

Is the sex about performing for YOUR ego, or is sex about sharing a good experience together?

I have no interest in sharing sex with someone who wants to use me like a treadmill to jog on so they can feel all studly and good about themselves.

Didn't you already have this with her, that NRE time between you and her when it was new?

It is okay for to have that with Dude now, during THEIR time when it is new.

Or for you to have that NRE with whoever you're dating now (since that might be new).

Even if they are going at it like bunnies because of NRE, you do not need to hear about it.

Anyway... Eventually there's chafing, and the desire to NOT share sex with anyone. Not him, not you. Just a break. Sex is fun and all, but there are times to sleep, eat, go to work, do OTHER THINGS.

If she's going bananas, putting you through poly hell, taking you for granted, treating you poorly, that's a different thing. Read about that together and avoid the pitfalls.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

But if it's you making this stage harder than it needs to be because you are going into some self-bullying wallowing thing, cut it out. You HAD your NRE time with her. Focus more on how you are making your current established relationship energy be.

If it is a combination of issues, talk it out. If you need help, think about a couples counselor, if you can do that. Reading some books. Listen to podcasts.

I do sympathize. I get you are having a hard time. But if you want this to get better, you have to separate the layers and deal with each part one thing at a time.

• Some of the stuff is "YOU stuff." You have to sort it. (EX: She can't fix your self-bullying for you.)
• Some of the stuff is probably "HER stuff." She has to sort it. (EX: If she's oversharing, you can tell her to stop it, and then she has to DO it.)
• Some of the stuff is probably "OUR stuff" that you two have to sort out together.

Galagirl

 

[imp]

My partner recently confessed that they don't feel sexual desire towards me at the moment, that it has recently gone away, this has happened during the space of them starting a new relationship with big NRE-vibes. It really cut me up to find this out and I'm not willing to do be a sexless primary partner long-term. It really hurt me and made me feel very ashamed of my body, my sex and myself in general. It felt doomed.

After discussing it in-depth, I'm a bit more positive; this is the first time my partner has had something this serious outside of our respectful polyamorous relationship and It happened a bit unexpectedly and uncomfortably. I am not monogamous (I am dating someone else, but it's less serious currently) but I've found their relationship challenging. It's gotten A LOT easier over time... but it's still not easy (I'm also quite new to this).

I feel like, the temptation to match or fix the relationship after these events, and to validate our sexual life is stopping it from being actually fun and it's causing a stressful atmosphere that's not conducive to a fun little bonk.

I feel spurned and rejected and so I'm trying to be sexier and more exciting and my partner feels like I'm scoring points by initiating sex and trying off-puttingly hard.

I cannot stress enough, I am loved and in love with this person. And we both were terrified this Monday, that this was going to be the end of our relationship.

poly resources are pretty dogshit on this issue, everything is like... break up or be happy without sex, bub. But it seems like monogamous couples get this problem -particularly long-term - fairly frequently. It's just more convoluted.

Everywhere on the web people say NRE has increased their sexual appetite for their long-term partner. But for us, it's caused strain and now we're at a bit of a scary crossroads.

I'm not necessarily looking for solutions, I'd appreciate some honest responses from people in NRE, people with similar;y difficult experiences (ideally successfully fixed but also not fixed), Wise-poly warlocks with decades of experience. I'd like to feel less alone, and like I'm not a worthless, ugly piece of shit.

The hardest thing about this is that I can't talk to anyone about it because I feel the social stigma of being a man, whose partner doesn't want to sleep with them but really does want to sleep with another man is to strong and shameful.

Addendum: I don't do drugs, they do... I wonder whether these weekends are just like high, high, high dopamine and that doing the work of making sure I'm okay as the long-term partner is like, stress... guilt... Admin. I'm not, NOT fun. But i wonder whether chemically it's just too far apart, ya know.

I am married and have been poly from day one. We are going on 17 years. We raised 2 kids, moved countries, started a biz all while openly poly. I am the voice of age and wisdom My husband has a recent new girlfriend. It is the most seriously he has fallen for anyone in a very long time and it has still been confronting for me, even after a lifetime of experiences.

The first thing to know is that every configuration, every relationship is different, and there will be new things to learn, to explore, to UNlearn and to discuss every time. Teething problems happen. This is not wrong or failure and I heartedly disagree with those who say it is a doom sentence.

Your relationship is yours to cherish and nurture, or to respectfully let go. The reasons are yours. But my hot take is if it is healthy and you are the best YOU you can be, or are at least called to be that person by being in relationship, and you call your partner(s) out to be their best selves, then it is worth working through.

So, you mentioned brain chemicals. You hit the tree but missed the mark. NRE is the unknown. It is new and shiny and it produces dopamine. Sexual pleasure has an aspect of Dopamine, but it produces predominately serotonin. ERE, established relationship energy, is about warmth and safety and security, which is also a serotonin impact. Serotonin is related to libido more than dopamine. Dopamine is related to adrenaline.

Why is this important?

Because there are many poly folk who are just chasing dopamine. They are NRE addicts. Personally, I am with the responder who does not like NRE. I much prefer my cozy warm ERE. There is also a large crossover between being poly and being neuro-atypical - ADD and Autism (ASD) are common among poly folk. ADD tend towards NRE, dopamine chasing; ASD toward ERE, serotonin deficiency.

All of this is to say it is important for you to be clear about not just WHAT you want, but WHY you want it. You mentioned the involvement of drugs. If your partner is using her relationship as just another way to chase dopamine, it might not be a healthy situation, for anyone. That is a conversation worth (gently) having, because I think this is much less about you and much more about what she is seeking. True poly would give her room to do that. But call her out if she is doing it in a disrespectful, abusive or self-harming way.

I have been poly my whole life. I had a name for it at around 35 and have been exclusively poly for just over two decades. For me, the essence of poly is body autonomy and consent. If you and your partner have gone beyond the new shiny dopamine hit of NRE without having done the work to establish the solid, warm, safety of ERE-serotonin, than this will show up for you like a competition and a rejection because you lack the solidity of secure mutual respect.

Consent says it is okay for her to not be sexually attracted to you right now. It is okay for her to not be available to meet your needs. AND it is okay for you to ask for intimacy in a way that does not translate to sex. Make saying no a safe thing for her - because making her feel guilty about it, or pouting and playing the "if you loved me you would" rejection game is just a passive-aggressive, gaslighting way of not honoring her consent and body autonomy.

I highly recommend doing work on untangling intimacy from sex. You seem to think sex is the only way to validate your connection and provide worth to the relationship. But what I am vibing is that what you really need is to solidify your intimacy and be assured of your value. She was vulnerable and respectful enough to share with you what her current reality is. You need to make sharing that safe and then ask her what intimacy and love look like without sex.

How does she propose to maintain your connection while she is growing this other one? What - EXACTLY - are your needs, and which are ones that only she can satisfy? Take this time to work on yourself to find your worth in a relationship without sex as a way to prove it. You also have a right to request sex, and to communicate that it is not just sex you want, but a sexual expression of intimacy with HER. It is like food. One can satisfy hunger in many ways, but sometimes one needs a specific thing, has a certain flavor craving, and that's okay too.

Sex, love, intimacy are very distinct things and they are connected to very different endorphin reactions. We are socially conditioned through monogamy, patriarchy and aesthetic influences to conflate them all into the sex act. Be clear about what your unmet needs are, ask for that which makes you the best version of yourself. Support her in finding answers to those same questions.

I went to a workshop about 20 years ago in the US that I found very helpful is untangling sex. love and intimacy. Did not really feel a need to get too into the organisation, so no idea where they are at now - but you may find their work helpful: https://www1.hai.org/.

 

[dingedheart]

My partner recently confessed that they don't feel sexual desire towards me at the moment, that it has recently gone away, this has happened during the space of them starting a new relationship with big NRE-vibes. It really cut me up to find this out and I'm not willing to do be a sexless primary partner long-term. It really hurt me and made me feel very ashamed of my body, my sex and myself in general. It felt doomed.

How long have you been together and are you married? How long have you been open?

Longstanding pattens and practices do matter. It’s really hard NOT to take it personally, or to a negative place, when there’s a 10 yr history of something else.

“Why can't it just be HER not in the mood for sex right now?“ Because its not “just“ her not being in the mood, it’s her not being in the mood with HIM, and outsourcing sexual bonding to her new partner. DISPLACEMENT.

“Why does it have to be so tied up with YOUR value as a person?” Again, I’d say it's the long-standing pattens that sex and bonding played in the relationship prior AND how people view and deal with rejection.

I feel like, the temptation to match or fix the relationship after these events, and to validate our sexual life is stopping it from being actually fun and it's causing a stressful atmosphere that's not conducive to a fun little bonk.

I feel spurned and rejected and so I'm trying to be sexier and more exciting and my partner feels like I'm scoring points by initiating sex and trying off-puttingly hard.

I’m sure that feels like a lose/lose situation. The harder you try to “fix“ it, the worse it gets. It’s really hard and some might say even dumb to wait around and hope your sex life returns. What I will say is this ecosystem is more fragile than your partners might think. She’s teaching you what your value is or isn’t. Well, that cuts both ways. As time slips by you might not care at some point. AND then, when things are at a breaking point and you’re ready to walk out the door, you got the whole head scramble of she’s willing to try and do counseling to get her attraction back, etc., etc. Nothing like putting a gun in someone’s face to get their attraction and desires back.

I cannot stress enough, I am loved and in love with this person. And we both were terrified this Monday, that this was going to be the end of our relationship.

At least she’s not so far gone in NRE to dismiss everything. I’d say that’s a positive.

poly resources are pretty dogshit on this issue, everything is like... break up or be happy without sex, bub. But it seems like monogamous couples get this problem -particularly long-term - fairly frequently. It's just more convoluted.

DOG SHIT. WELL said. It’s wait it out, break up, or figure how to be happy without sex.

Yes, mono couples go through dead bed syndrome, however it’s assumed in mono, couples aren’t outsourcing or farming out their sex lives and I’m sure that’s up there for reasons for cheating.

Everywhere on the web people say NRE has increased their sexual appetite for their long-term partner. But for us, it's caused strain and now we're at a bit of a scary crossroads.

I think NRE in some cases increases sexual appetite, period. Because of availability, the long term-partner gets more action. Also I think the zealots like to push this narrative as a gentle subliminal message to help combat poly hell.

WOULD you like/be ok with being the stand-in or stunt dick for her other guy, after she got off a video chat or long texting session and was all horny?

I'm not necessarily looking for solutions, I'd appreciate some honest responses from people in NRE, people with similar;y difficult experiences (ideally successfully fixed but also not fixed), Wise-poly warlocks with decades of experience. I'd like to feel less alone, and like I'm not a worthless, ugly piece of shit.

Start detangling. Make yourself unavailable. Big changes can cause all kinds of smaller changes.

The hardest thing about this is that I can't talk to anyone about it because I feel the social stigma of being a man, whose partner doesn't want to sleep with them but really does want to sleep with another man is to strong and shameful.

That’s exactly how I found this place.

Addendum: I don't do drugs, they do... I wonder whether these weekends are just like high, high, high dopamine and that doing the work of making sure I'm okay as the long-term partner is like, stress... guilt... Admin. I'm not, NOT fun. But i wonder whether chemically it's just too far apart, ya know?

Great question. Have you asked her?

I also don’t think you need to reevaluate or change how you love, and the role of sex, and intimacy is FOR YOU. The law of unintended consequences could bite hard if you shuffle that deck.

 

[Magdlyn]

You've gotten several somewhat differing opinions here. Everyone is being kind and trying to help, from their own perspectives. Please take what works and leave the rest.

I get that you feel bad about yourself when you feel rejected sexually. Try not to take it to extremes and allow yourself to feel ashamed of having a need for physical intimacy with your wife. Hopefully this is just a temporary phase. Try to talk about this with your wife, using "I" statements. "When you do X, I feel Y." She can't argue with feelings. (Or she shouldn't. No one gets to tell another person how to feel. No one should invalidate another person's feelings.)

I know y'all have been doing poly for a while, but I wonder if either of you have read the newer literature out there?

Opening Up
Polysecure
Sex at Dawn

They are extremely helpful. I don't think you'll find the info in these books as "dogshit" as the random opinions of people on the internet.

 

[Sigyn_]

Hello!

New to this site, but your situation resonated with me (although in this situation I'm the partner going/went through NRE, and withdrew slightly from intimacy with my long term partner (anchor/husband).

Bit on our background - previous "monogamish" and married (with children) for 8 years before going polyamorous. Fast forward 2 years into being poly and my husband had his fair share of flings but nothing long term. I, however started to get serious with a new partner and quickly found myself in the throws of NRE and falling in love.

I didn't pay attention to the withdrawal of intimacy with my husband during this time, we led busy lives both working full time and had children, usual "domestic" life. But my husband started to hint that we hadn't had any intimacy (sex!) for a while and I realised we had, in fact not! While I wasn't purposely withdrawing from him, I was very wrapped up in my NRE, and between that and our lives I found myself not really thinking much about intimacy and sex with my husband. After a few months of him being a bit close lipped about it, he was quite explosive in sharing his feelings of feeling sidelined. One, I hadn't realised how upset he felt about the lack of intimacy until he said something (his love language is physical touch) And Two - I realised I was struggling with intimacy in our everyday lives and not because of any lack of love or attraction to him, but more because my time with my other partner was so separate from my "domestic" life that I was able to "get in the mood" more readily. In summary, my new relationship had changed my intimacy needs slightly as well.

Fast forward to lots of talking and trial and error of what works for us now (which is different from life before polyamory and new relationships) and we've got our intimacy in balance again. For us, we have to "get away" as well. Go on purposful dates to wind down and relax, dedicating ourselves to eachother. I'm still in a bit of NRE (20 months of dating my boyfriend!) and my husband is now going through his own NRE. I fully expect things might need to change between us again to find our balance. The analogies of waxing and waning are spot on! Don't listen to anyone who says it's a "bad sign", that's clearly someone's bad experience coming out. As long as you are both still committed to eachother, you might need to make some adjustments to get things "going" again, but it's definitely possible!

Best to all of you.x

 

[dingedheart]

First off hi and welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing you story and prospective.

I, however started to get serious with a new partner and quickly found myself in the throws of NRE and falling in love.

I didn't pay attention to the withdrawal of intimacy with my husband during this time, we led busy lives both working full time and had children, usual "domestic" life. But my husband started to hint that we hadn't had any intimacy (sex!) for a while and I realised we had, in fact not! While I wasn't purposely withdrawing from him, I was very wrapped up in my NRE, and between that and our lives I found myself not really thinking much about intimacy and sex with my husband. After a few months of him being a bit close lipped about it, he was quite explosive in sharing his feelings of feeling sidelined.

I think your situation is different in a couple respects 1) your husband was quietly watching and hoping for some genuine interest on your part. 2) and you say it wasn’t deliberate or you purposely withdrawing from sex with your husband. If he hadnt made a fuss at the 3 month mark how long might it have gone unnoticed by you ?
I know this is complete speculation but how many months before irrevocable damage would occur? The reason I ask is some here think op just has to learn to suck it up. Sorry another hypothetical let’s say it went on for another 3-4 month and for whatever reason or reasons you notice and realize the lack of a physical relationship and now he’s not interested in you….is that a big deal or does it become as they say around here the new normal ?

I guess my point is if the plan is ( not talking about you because you clearly cared and made a correction ) let the NRE run it’s course there might the same relationship to go back to.

One, I hadn't realised how upset he felt about the lack of intimacy until he said something (his love language is physical touch) And Two - I realised I was struggling with intimacy in our everyday lives and not because of any lack of love or attraction to him, but more because my time with my other partner was so separate from my "domestic" life that I was able to "get in the mood" more readily. In summary, my new relationship had changed my intimacy needs slightly as well.

did you find out his love language after the fact ? Again the difference with the OP‘s spouse or SO is she’s telling him directly she’s lost her attraction to him. THE new relationship changed your intimacy needs slightly or filled the quota. I Wonder if theres some sort of correlation with the busier someone is with the intensity the NRE feels. The number balls in the air makes for a deeper thrill ?

Fast forward to lots of talking and trial and error of what works for us now (which is different from life before polyamory and new relationships) and we've got our intimacy in balance again. For us, we have to "get away" as well. Go on purposful dates to wind down and relax, dedicating ourselves to eachother. I'm still in a bit of NRE (20 months of dating my boyfriend!) and my husband is now going through his own NRE. I fully expect things might need to change between us again to find our balance. The analogies of waxing and waning are spot on!

what’s you love language…and more importantly does he know it and maybe learned from the past experience ?

Don't listen to anyone who says it's a "bad sign", that's clearly someone's bad experience coming out.

sure maybe. However if your husband said he was no longer sexually attracted and interested in sex with you would you think it wasnt a bad sign ???? forum people telling it could be an NRE phase …that’s the hope.

As long as you are both still committed to eachother, you might need to make some adjustments to get things "going" again, but it's definitely possible!

I think the OP a is willing to make all kinds of adjustments even bad ones to get things going but unfortunately I think that only has made the problem worse.

Someone in this thread said learning to separate love, sex , and intimacy from the sex act is the key smooth poly sailing. If sex with a spouse or primary partner is no longer special and is interchangeable in terms of a needs fulfillment activity then love and intimacy should be the same as well.

 

[Sigyn_]

First off hi and welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing you story and prospective.


I think your situation is different in a couple respects 1) your husband was quietly watching and hoping for some genuine interest on your part. 2) and you say it wasn’t deliberate or you purposely withdrawing from sex with your husband. If he hadnt made a fuss at the 3 month mark how long might it have gone unnoticed by you ?
I know this is complete speculation but how many months before irrevocable damage would occur? The reason I ask is some here think op just has to learn to suck it up. Sorry another hypothetical let’s say it went on for another 3-4 month and for whatever reason or reasons you notice and realize the lack of a physical relationship and now he’s not interested in you….is that a big deal or does it become as they say around here the new normal ?

I guess my point is if the plan is ( not talking about you because you clearly cared and made a correction ) let the NRE run it’s course there might the same relationship to go back to.



did you find out his love language after the fact ? Again the difference with the OP‘s spouse or SO is she’s telling him directly she’s lost her attraction to him. THE new relationship changed your intimacy needs slightly or filled the quota. I Wonder if theres some sort of correlation with the busier someone is with the intensity the NRE feels. The number balls in the air makes for a deeper thrill ?




what’s you love language…and more importantly does he know it and maybe learned from the past experience ?

sure maybe. However if your husband said he was no longer sexually attracted and interested in sex with you would you think it wasnt a bad sign ???? forum people telling it could be an NRE phase …that’s the hope.


I think the OP a is willing to make all kinds of adjustments even bad ones to get things going but unfortunately I think that only has made the problem worse.

Someone in this thread said learning to separate love, sex , and intimacy from the sex act is the key smooth poly sailing. If sex with a spouse or primary partner is no longer special and is interchangeable in terms of a needs fulfillment activity then love and intimacy should be the same as well.

I think we read the op and their concerns differently. I'd prefer to let them read and consider my post and story for themselves and decide whether it's relevant and if any of it is useful.

My intention was to counter their assumption that their partner will never feel attraction to them again after a period of a partner's NRE because that was important, not other forms of intimacy, because that's that the OP wanted. They specifically said "I'm not willing to do be a sexless primary partner long-term."

So with that in mind, I was giving reassurance from my perspective as the one in NRE to ignore people who have implied "it's a bad sign" or that their sexual relations with their primary won't ever return, as all relaships are different.

 

[dingedheart]

Let me start off saying I wasn’t offended by being called ignorant. I haven’t been punished here lately so I don’t really know what the point system is. But pointing someone is misinformed or lacks knowledge of a subject isn’t offensiv….to me anyway. I freely admit I’m ignorant on lots of stuff.

I think we read the op and their concerns differently.

ok fair point I think he was concerned he had been replaced sexually for her new bf and that the longer time went on the less likely it would come back.

I'd prefer to let them read and consider my post and story for themselves and decide whether it's relevant and if any of it is useful.

meaning what? Doesn’t that sort of go without saying ???

My intention was to counter their assumption that their partner will never feel attraction to them again after a period of a partner's NRE because that was important, not other forms of intimacy, because that's that the OP wanted. They specifically said "I'm not willing to do be a sexless primary partner long-term."

IS this the part we read differently ?? Are you splitting hairs here saying it’s foolish to say Never when it come to NRE or are you saying she may feel some attraction and open to some other forms of intimacy just not sex as it once was ?
AND YES he specifically did say he wasn’t willing to be in a sexless primary relationship long term. I got that no confusion on my end there.

So with that in mind, I was giving reassurance from my perspective as the one in NRE to ignore people who have implied "it's a bad sign" or that their sexual relations with their primary won't ever return, as all relaships are different.

I see where we‘re reading this differently. You see your inadvertent neglect and lapse as the same as her declaration of not finding him sexually attractive and holding up a stop sign. Sounds like once you were made aware you made a course correction. It also seems like once he told her he wasn’t interested in a sexless relationship their thing ended because he hasn’t been back. And you’re absolutely right all relationships are different and people settle all the time…he might have settled for hugs and kisses once a quarter and she might have settled of giving him a hand job once a week …who knows.

 

[Craig Rudd]

Honestly, you will never get use to the NRE thing. In my relationship I feel like she needs that.... that NRE is what she likes to experience. She has told me that she feels she needs that in her life.

I tell myself that it's just sex. I am grateful how she makes it work though. She is very sexual and she loves having sex with me, so I never experience "no sex" for very long because of NRE, maybe a little over a week sometimes....

 

[Geralt Of Rivia]

So I would be really interested where the OP is at now with this situation.

I can share my 2 cents on this by sharing my personal experience that happened wuite recently.
I have a nesting partner (let's call her Snake) that is also my wife and another partner that I am with since 9 months(let's call her Fox).
So the crysis so to say for me was with Fox. She was solo poly dating me and another partner once or twice a week. We were obviously on fire with passion in the past months and she was going along well with the other partner. That was until she decided to start dating a third person. I was and am supporting of my partner dating new people, the other partner of her though was not. Got really jealous and started ruining her life being toxic. At one point trying again the guilt card on her the toxic partner decided to breakup, expecting her to run to him. Fortunately she wasn't alone, her friends and I did our best to support her. So now she is free of that but still quite traumatised.
Still she pursued the new relationship and everything seems to go well, so much so that she is deep into NRE and also evaluating having him as nesting partner at some point.
So long story shorter , because of all the emotional turmoil she has been subjected to she is having a lot of problems processing the NRE and feeling bad for our relationship which has seen a decrease in sexual attraction from her side.
At first I felt as bad as you mentioned in your post, feeling worthless, a bit cheated even, really my brain wasn't reacting well at all. I also thought that I wouldn't want to be a sexless partner. Still I had time to think about it and really figure out what I want from my relationship with Fox and the position we are at now.
So first of all likely the new NRE has made my NRE with Fox diminish, but also I was starting to feel that our connection was past the honeymoon phase so to say. I decided to make sure I get my needs met and I figured that what I need from this relationship is emotional intimacy, commitment, depth. Sex I see it as a good extra, if it happens.
I disagree with people that say that Sex is a measure of how good a relationship works. Me and Fox still love to cuddle, love to tease eachother playfully, love to be intimate, have deep talks, make out and all that so why would I think to leave this relationship?
Also where does it come from the idea that sex is a need that needs to be met? Another concept coming from the patriarchy...you know as wife you should be able to satisfy your husband even if you don't feel like it. That is disgusting to me... I wouldn't want to find myself in that situation.
Anyway the important thing is do you love this person without sex? Foxus on what makes you happy about being with your partner, if sex is one of the top reasons then it's your time to change your setup, find someone that can give you that. If instead you love being around them, enjoy spending time and they are willing to be committed and intimate or meet whatever need you have then you still have a relationship.
Also you have the luck as a poly person with another partner to have sex in your life so enjoy that! Just don't put your value as a person behind the presence of it.

Also there is nothing like keep asking, trying too hard and being sad about not having sex with your partner, that makes them feel less inclined to have sex. Just be you and be present, and who knows? Maybe she is like one of those people that can feel phisical attraction again after NRE, if not, if the relationship still is valuable for you it will grow and be stronger than before.
At least that is what I feel right now.