My soul mate is a prude and no one gets it

Y

Yessi

New member
Hi, I'm Yessi!

I started dating my best friend 2 years ago. He is inexperienced and insecure in many ways and sex can be daunting to him. Everything but sex is wonderful.

Poor kid didn't know what he was getting into when he met me. We have talked about an open relationship but he would prefer that we "work on" our relationship. The only thing is I like freaky things that weird him out.

I've always been turned on by BDSM, and I have an ex (who I would NOT leave my boyfriend for) who "gets" my sex. Can I ask for him to gain the confidence in himself and in us overnight in order to not be threatened by my desire to go to BDSM events? Should I be patient with him and be happy to see him try and maybe even enjoy kink?

Nonmonogomy or not, he still has a lot of growing up to do. Telling him I want to fuck other people who are just more confident and sexual than him while he is still facing insecurities seems too harsh, even though I have for the sake of openness. At the same time it is wrong for me to be repressed and I see how nonmonogomy or swinging could work for us.

I know this is a poly forum, but is poly the best answer for this scenario? Everyone I have talked to about this has made me feel really bad about the idea of an open relationship, so I thought coming on here where people are more open could be more helpful.

Thank you very much.

At the same time,
 
Telling him I want to fuck other people who are just more confident and sexual than him while he is still facing insecurities seems too harsh, even though I have for the sake of openness. At the same time it is wrong for me to be repressed and I see how nonmonogomy or swinging could work for us.
Click to expand...

If you know it is too harsh, why say it like that? :confused:

You are not able to say "I do not want to be exclusive. I want to date you. I want to be able to date other people. I want to be able to attend bdsm events. Are you up for an open model like that? Or not up for that?"

And then just have him state his own "willing and able" to partcipate in open relationship like that with you. If he hems and haws, you could call it "not a joyous yes, so taking it as no, not willing" and proceed accordingly.

Could go back to being friends rather than trying to turn it into lovers/romance.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
My first Rule of Relationships: Don't date the person you want someone to be, date who they are. They may or may not ever change, and if they do, you may not like what they change into. In this case, that means that it's very possible that your BF may become more secure and confident, and still not be interested in an open relationship, poly, or kink. Not wanting those things isn't immature or "prudish."

Confidence and security in sex generally takes time, but even if he gains all that with you, there shouldn't be any assumption he'll be into what you're into, since he doesn't seem to be interested right now.

Possibly, you're just not sexually compatible. It happens. A lot, actually. People are great in many/most respects, but the sex just isn't there. Just like sometimes people are not romantically compatible but have mind-blowing sex.


Yessi said:
Hi, I'm Yessi!

I started dating my best friend 2 years ago. He is inexperienced and insecure in many ways and sex can be daunting to him. Everything but sex is wonderful.

Poor kid didn't know what he was getting into when he met me. We have talked about an open relationship but he would prefer that we "work on" our relationship. The only thing is I like freaky things that weird him out.

I've always been turned on by BDSM, and I have an ex (who I would NOT leave my boyfriend for) who "gets" my sex. Can I ask for him to gain the confidence in himself and in us overnight in order to not be threatened by my desire to go to BDSM events? Should I be patient with him and be happy to see him try and maybe even enjoy kink?

Nonmonogomy or not, he still has a lot of growing up to do. Telling him I want to fuck other people who are just more confident and sexual than him while he is still facing insecurities seems too harsh, even though I have for the sake of openness. At the same time it is wrong for me to be repressed and I see how nonmonogomy or swinging could work for us.

I know this is a poly forum, but is poly the best answer for this scenario? Everyone I have talked to about this has made me feel really bad about the idea of an open relationship, so I thought coming on here where people are more open could be more helpful.

Thank you very much.

At the same time,
Click to expand...
 
Greetings Yessi,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

So your current partner doesn't want nonmonogamy, doesn't want BDSM, doesn't even want you to attend BDSM events ... That sounds frustrating. From your viewpoint, you're thinking that if he'd just loosen up a little, he'd find that things could be better for both of you.

Is he willing to try BDSM? Is he willing to attend BDSM events with you?

Ethical nonmonogamy -- BDSM too for that matter -- requires one important thing: the consent of all parties participating. This means that no matter how great nonmonogamy would be for you, it might not be good for him, and he should be able to decide that for himself. All you can do is try to convince him, and preferably set a time limit on how long you'll try to convince him before throwing in the towel.

Would seeing a sex therapist be a possibility? Would he be willing to attend therapy sessions with you?

Right now I don't know what the answer is for you. You probably don't want to leave him, you said he is your best friend and your soulmate besides. But, whatever he does with you, he must do it voluntarily. And to me it sounds like he's got his heels dug in.

Please let us know if there's any way we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Yessi said:
Telling him I want to fuck other people who are just more confident and sexual than him while he is still facing insecurities seems too harsh, even though I have for the sake of openness.
Click to expand...

So I definitely did not say this in these words. This is rather how I think he is processing it when I tell him I want to explore my sexuality outside of us or that I wish he could see himself the way I see him...just wanted to clarify.

We are seeing a therapist now, so I have hope for us. Just worried I will have to wait years for him to catch up to me to the point we can even consider an open relationship.
 
Ah, thanks for clarifying. Glad you guys are working with a therapist.

Just worried I will have to wait years for him to catch up to me to the point we can even consider an open relationship.
Click to expand...

So don't wait years. Make the time limit for yourself. Maybe it is "a year working on it" and then check in with yourself to see if there's enough progress to date to keep investing in this.

If not? You could stop. With regrets, but stop. So both of you can be free of the struggle of trying to make a thing fly that will not fly.

I know it can FEEL hard, but the actions can be simple if we let them be. Talk to the therapist about setting benchmark like that so you can better gauge.

Galagirl
 
GreenAcres said:
My first Rule of Relationships: Don't date the person you want someone to be, date who they are.
Click to expand...


It took me years and years of "giving it time" in various relationships to finally see the wisdom of this. I think that 95% of the struggles in all realtionships would evaporate if people just accepted what the other can offer and go from there. So much misery comes from trying to change people, trying to get them to "open up," trying to save them from the error of their ways, etc. instead of synching up with people who already fit.
 
Yessi said:
Hi, I'm Yessi!

I started dating my best friend 2 years ago. He is inexperienced and insecure in many ways and sex can be daunting to him. Everything but sex is wonderful.

Poor kid didn't know what he was getting into when he met me.
Click to expand...

You think of your partner as a poor kid. How is he then your soulmate? He sounds to be very different from you. People in BDSM usually call persons like your bf "vanilla," not prudes. He prefers ordinary one on one sex, no impact play, no ropes, no power exchanges? His libido is low? He has trouble, perhaps, even talking about sex? I do not see how he is your soulmate.

Could be your straight vanilla friend, even a FWB when you're in the mood for vanilla fucking, but soulmate? I don't get it.

We have talked about an open relationship but he would prefer that we "work on" our relationship. The only thing is I like freaky things that weird him out.

I've always been turned on by BDSM, and I have an ex (who I would NOT leave my boyfriend for) who "gets" my sex. Can I ask for him to gain the confidence in himself and in us overnight in order to not be threatened by my desire to go to BDSM events? Should I be patient with him and be happy to see him try and maybe even enjoy kink?
Click to expand...

You can't require him to become confident and kinky overnight, no. LOL. I am sure you know that. Patience IS required if you want to keep him as a romantic partner. When your patience runs out, and it isn't working, set him free as a lover and go get yourself some kinky partners!

Non-monogamy or not, he still has a lot of growing up to do. Telling him I want to fuck other people who are just more confident and sexual than him while he is still facing insecurities seems too harsh, even though I have for the sake of openness. At the same time it is wrong for me to be repressed and I see how non-monogamy or swinging could work for us.
Click to expand...

In your mind you call him a kid who needs to grow up. Sounds like you'd be a Domme to him, if he was into that. But he isn't.
I know this is a poly forum, but is poly the best answer for this scenario? Everyone I have talked to about this has made me feel really bad about the idea of an open relationship, so I thought coming on here where people are more open could be more helpful.
Click to expand...

You might also try the online community Fetlife. It is full of kinky, and polyamorous or polysexual, or swinging, people.

Your friends sound vanilla too. Maybe it is time you moved on and claimed your kinky self and stopped trying to fit yourself into a vanilla box, or trying to force a vanilla to become kinky or poly for YOUR sake.
 
Re (from Yessi):
"Just worried I will have to wait years for him to catch up to me to the point we can even consider an open relationship."
Click to expand...

So, are you willing to wait for years?
 
Yessi said:
Just worried I will have to wait years for him to catch up to me to the point we can even consider an open relationship.
Click to expand...

Developing a preference for BDSM or open relationships isn't the same as catching up. Lots of people with massive sexual experience have no interest in either. Conversely, lots of people with limited sexual experience are deeply drawn. BDSM and non-monogamy are preferences or proclivities, not places to get to. Sounds like you might be worlds apart sexually and just don't like the same activities, especially if you're equating a non-interest in BDSM and non-monogamy with being a prude.
 
Last edited:
GreenAcres said:
My first Rule of Relationships: Don't date the person you want someone to be, date who they are. They may or may not ever change, and if they do, you may not like what they change into.
Click to expand...

Completely agree 100%

Polyamory will certainly never ever fix a relationship but it MAY allow you to experience a second or third relationship that gives you something, or where you can give something, that an other otherwise fulfilling existi g relationship does not allow.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top