My wife wants to try poly with a specific person. Advice please

[ken adams]

Hi, this is the first time posting on here and am looking for advice on what to think about the situation my marriage is in.

My wife of 6 years (relationship is 19 years) came to me a couple of months ago saying she has extremely strong feelings for a specific person and wants to try a poly relationship. This came completely out of the blue. We had talked previously about the possibility of getting a 3rd person involved in a physical way, but never spoken about a romantic way, and also we had never actually acted upon those talks.

She has been openly bi since she was a teenager, and had always said she more into females than males and that, in all likelihood, if it wasn't for me, she would be fully gay. So it shocked me even more to find this other person was a guy.

The main thing that is causing me worry about the situation is how she had found him before talking to me and how it was given to me as a case of 'I really like this guy. Let's try poly.' Having it put to me like this hasn't sat right, as it makes me think the only reason she wants to is for this guy.

We have met and do hang out regularly. He is an amazing guy. I do trust the both of them to take things at a pace that I am comfortable with, but I'm not sure if I will ever be comfortable with what they want the relationship to be.

She has also said that, if I don't feel as if this is something I could do, then the friendship she has with him would also need to end, as they don't feel they could ever just be friends.

I want my wife to be happy, but I don't know if I can do this, and having her say the friendship with him would also need to end kind of feels like emotional manipulation.

Any advice is welcomed and I will try to answer any questions give more context/information. Thank you.

 

[Magdlyn]

This is what we call "poly-bombing." A partner unexpectedly falls for someone, and it seems like more than a passing crush, and the feelings are often returned, and suddenly monogamy no longer seems suitable.

This can go one of several ways. I know it must really hurt and feel confusing.

One thing to not worry about too much is that she fell for a male friend. She is bi, after all. When you're bi, the gender doesn't matter as much as the actual person. And sexual attraction can be fluid for bi or pan people. Sometimes you might be drawn to one gender more than other for a time.

Unfortunately, in our culture, often men feel more threatened if "their woman" falls for another guy, because of the competition factor, whereas they might think two women together is hot.

While you wait for more feedback, you could benefit from searching the terms "polybombing," and "one penis policy" for many prior threads on this topic that might help you.

 

[Evie]

"Having it put to me like this hasn't sat right as it makes me think the only reason she wants to is for this guy."

A while ago, it was really common in poly spaces/books/etc. to warn against opening with someone waiting in the wings, but honestly, that's the vast majority of what actually happens so let's have a discussion about this reality.

So, it's for this guy. Let's see if you want to navigate this, or not. You can leave her to him at any time. Or you can give her the "him or me" ultimatum at any time. I know that sounds loaded, but at the end of the day it's just a blunt way of expressing the boundary of, "I will not participate in polyamory with you". We enforce our personal boundaries by removing ourselves from the situation that is hurting us.

If you are tempted to say, "I will not participate in polyamory with you if it involves him" then you can if you like - again that was advice that was given a lot. I personally don't agree with it, but you can try it if you want.

But let's see what could happen if you move into polyamory and it involves him.

First up, you're probably thinking 'why' -- why a man, why him, why now? Because societal expectations are somewhere between happily ever after and serial monogamy, because we've been sold the nuclear family as the 'natural' way of things.

Good on you guys for considering an alternative. It works for more and more people these days.

So why a certain person? Because in a world of 8 billion people, even if you only meet 100,000 of them in your lifetime, if even 0.1% of them are attractive to either your head, heart or loins, that's still 100 people who could be someone who could be coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 16 years ago she hadn't met that many people, and as we get older we tend to meet more people. So the chance of running into an attractive person increases. Polyamory (and other forms of ethical non-monogamy) enable people to get to explore those intellectual/emotional/physical attractions without needing to end an existing relationship. (And there's a fair chance that the new attraction won't last a long time; a lot of people aren't long term compatible).

And then there is the double standard question...are you also free to go meet interesting and attractive people too? Because if it's "poly for me but not for thee" then you probably don't want to stick around for that.

So if you want to give this a shot, you and her have some serious discussions to have about the logistics. Such as time management, financial management, and domestic labour fairness. If you feel like you're always stuck at home doing chores while she's out on dates with him, you're going to end up in a bit of a resentment mess. So talk about you having equal time to do whatever with - go out, or be undisturbed at home. And also deliberate time when you are having date nights together (uninterrupted by anything to do with him, or whoever else).

It's a deconstructing process of what marriage is for you currently, and how it can be for you going forward with time to have independent lives as well as joint ones. It's called detangling. And it's the very beginning.

There's heaps of resources but rather than overwhelm you with a huge list right now, have a think and see if you want to actually move forward with this. Then ask for a bit more specific advice. We'll be happy to help.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ken adams,

I think that your wife is deep in NRE with this other guy, and with her inclination towards women, you probably wonder whether she has room for two men. But I mean what are your options? stay married or break up, right? You can of course ask her to slow down and lighten up on the NRE ... but she has the power to say "Yes" or "No" to that request. What do you need in order to be okay with the situation?

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi, this is the first time posting on here and am looking for advice on what to think about the situation my marriage is in.

Hi Ken, welcome to the forum.

My wife of 6 years (relationship is 19 years) came to me a couple of months ago saying she has extremely strong feelings for a specific person and wants to try a poly relationship. This came completely out of the blue.

Were you in a committed mono relationship the entire 19 yrs? Why did it take 13 yrs to marry? Besides her strong feeling for another man, has she done any research or education on what’s entailed in a poly relationship? Are things becoming more pressing now vs 2 months ago? Is that why you’re here?

We had talked previously about the possibility of getting a 3rd person involved in a physical way, but never spoken about a romantic way. We had never actually acted upon those talks.

That seems like a completely different ship and not relevant to your current situation.

She has been openly bi since she was a teenager, had always said she more into females than males, and that, if it wasn't for me, she would be fully gay. So it shocked me even more to find this other person was a guy.

Things evolve very quickly. Best not take anything as stone-cold fact.

The main thing that is causing me worry about the situation is how she had found him before talking to me, and how it was given to me as a case of 'I really like this guy. Let's try poly.'

The anecdotal evidence suggests there isn’t really a “try” when it comes to opening, and especially with poly. It’s pass or fail! Attachments occur, relationship structures change, and then hard choices need to be made. I can’t think of a single example of a couple doing a test drive and then successfully putting it away. I think everyone would be naive thinking that you could simply go back to the old relationship as if nothing had happened. CAN'T unring that bell.

Having it put to me like this hasn't sat right, as it makes me think the only reason she wants to is for this guy.

Is there a more noble reason that would make this more palatable?

We have met and hang out regularly. He is an amazing guy. I do trust the both of them to take things at a pace that I am comfortable with, but I'm not sure if I will ever be comfortable with what they want the relationship to be.

What’s the other guy's situation? Have they actually discussed what they envision the future to be?

Another suggestion, I would not put ANY stock in any future plans or predictions from them pre-green light/full-blown romantic relationship. Doing so would be full of heartache and disappointment. You're going to feel lied to, but it probably won’t be intentional.

She has also said that, if I don't feel as if this is something I could do, then the friendship she has with him would also need to end, as they don't feel they could ever just be friends.

First thing you’ll need to learn in poly is that’s her emotional problem, not yours. Going to have to learn to detach.

I want my wife to be happy, but I don't know if I can do this. And having her say the friendship with him would also need to end kind of feels like emotional manipulation.

I see it possibly as her trying to describe the magnitude of her feeling and the gravitational pull toward this individual and the amount of temptation.

Of course, it could be plain old manipulation, but that’s her/their choice. If they can’t go all the way, they don’t want to go at all. Oh well, their call.