Pimvanloen
New member
Dear people,
Let's start off with: I wouldn't call myself or my relationship polyamorous at the moment, but it's definitely a monogamish/monogamish-curious one. I hope no one is offended by my posting here - but so far I have not found any community (not in real life and not online) that has so many people who I resonate with, who are able to look at relationships outside of compulsory monogamy and toxic standards, and that are so eloquent in their responses and emotional maturity. All of these things, I really need right now.
Some time ago, I wrote this post, and even though many things are still part of my baggage (attachment trauma, yadi yadi yada), I must say that me (and my partner) have come a pretty long way. But it wasn't without trouble. I hope I can summarise it for you in an understandable way:
I met a pretty unique person some time ago. We started out poly (he had another partner back then, who he was in a relationship with but didn't want to be. Unfortunately, because of a pretty abusive situation, he had to stay in that relationship for quite a while), but transferred to monogamy. After a year of us seeing each other, my attachment fears started to come up (referring to the same post again). I had only been in quite short relationships up until that point (one or two years, until NRE runs out apparently) and had... a shit ton to learn. And I still do - NRE is a pretty strong thing. However, I found out that my partner was very similar, which gave rise to a BUNCH of anxiety. I was absolutely sure (because of my parent's relationship as well) that he would leave me for someone. I worked on it in therapy, and though I'm still not over yet, I'm slowly becoming better at it.
Fast forward: something really traumatic happened to him (a war in his home country) and he started to fall into his old, toxic patterns. Even though we were monogamous at the time (or monogamish; having threesomes was one of our big wishes), he started to become really, really horny about many people. He developed crushes. He was running away from his bad feelings by diving into sexuality. I guess that's his baggage. After weeks of struggling with this, he kissed someone. Turns out: he felt extremely guilty, bad, and wasn't giving him anything good. He told me after two months (he was scared to lose me and was sure he did not want to pursue it more), and the dishonesty was immensely triggering for me. My avoidant tendencies started to come up (my attachment is disorganized), and I wanted to kiss someone too (I know, pretty childish, but it was hard). After months of healing and conversations, and him being absolutely sure he did not want to go this old pathway again, we started to become better. I did not believe in this toxic idea of "once a cheater, always a cheater", and understood his struggles. I desperately wanted to break free from society's harsh standards for relationships.
However, one week ago, something similar happened. It was not "cheating" in a classic sense, and he definitely does not see it that way. But I feel it the same.
He breached a pretty big boundary by going into my drive to find nude photos of a girl he wanted to fantasize about (I shot them, I am a nude photographer). There's two things that really hurt me about this:
1. He lied to me, and broke my trust and privacy - it was my folder, after all
2. He wanted to have the fantasy about this girl and do something secretive, and it hurts my self esteem.
Now, I know what it means to have boundaries, but have absolutely zero idea what to do if they are crossed. Do you break up, despite the great things that you share? I am starting to doubt this relationship. That's a scary thing.
A second question that I have, is whether the boundary number 2 that I just described, can be a boundary at all. I have this great divide within myself that I do believe in some form of "non-normative" relationship, one that is driven by fantasies, adventure, etc. That doesn't have security and absolute monogamy as a priority. But boy, does it hurt when you find out someone is fantasizing about someone else this way. How would you deal with that?
Besides these two things, he has been great. He gives a lot, he loves to spend time. He genuinely loves me. He has been one of the sweetest lovers I ever had (and then very randomly, he does this very unsweet thing). That's what makes this all the more confusing. But my trust in his ability to be honest with me... has grown smaller. Even though it feels like a very hypocritical thing, as I have trouble with that as well (though, no cheating on my part).
Love,
Pim
Let's start off with: I wouldn't call myself or my relationship polyamorous at the moment, but it's definitely a monogamish/monogamish-curious one. I hope no one is offended by my posting here - but so far I have not found any community (not in real life and not online) that has so many people who I resonate with, who are able to look at relationships outside of compulsory monogamy and toxic standards, and that are so eloquent in their responses and emotional maturity. All of these things, I really need right now.
Some time ago, I wrote this post, and even though many things are still part of my baggage (attachment trauma, yadi yadi yada), I must say that me (and my partner) have come a pretty long way. But it wasn't without trouble. I hope I can summarise it for you in an understandable way:
I met a pretty unique person some time ago. We started out poly (he had another partner back then, who he was in a relationship with but didn't want to be. Unfortunately, because of a pretty abusive situation, he had to stay in that relationship for quite a while), but transferred to monogamy. After a year of us seeing each other, my attachment fears started to come up (referring to the same post again). I had only been in quite short relationships up until that point (one or two years, until NRE runs out apparently) and had... a shit ton to learn. And I still do - NRE is a pretty strong thing. However, I found out that my partner was very similar, which gave rise to a BUNCH of anxiety. I was absolutely sure (because of my parent's relationship as well) that he would leave me for someone. I worked on it in therapy, and though I'm still not over yet, I'm slowly becoming better at it.
Fast forward: something really traumatic happened to him (a war in his home country) and he started to fall into his old, toxic patterns. Even though we were monogamous at the time (or monogamish; having threesomes was one of our big wishes), he started to become really, really horny about many people. He developed crushes. He was running away from his bad feelings by diving into sexuality. I guess that's his baggage. After weeks of struggling with this, he kissed someone. Turns out: he felt extremely guilty, bad, and wasn't giving him anything good. He told me after two months (he was scared to lose me and was sure he did not want to pursue it more), and the dishonesty was immensely triggering for me. My avoidant tendencies started to come up (my attachment is disorganized), and I wanted to kiss someone too (I know, pretty childish, but it was hard). After months of healing and conversations, and him being absolutely sure he did not want to go this old pathway again, we started to become better. I did not believe in this toxic idea of "once a cheater, always a cheater", and understood his struggles. I desperately wanted to break free from society's harsh standards for relationships.
However, one week ago, something similar happened. It was not "cheating" in a classic sense, and he definitely does not see it that way. But I feel it the same.
He breached a pretty big boundary by going into my drive to find nude photos of a girl he wanted to fantasize about (I shot them, I am a nude photographer). There's two things that really hurt me about this:
1. He lied to me, and broke my trust and privacy - it was my folder, after all
2. He wanted to have the fantasy about this girl and do something secretive, and it hurts my self esteem.
Now, I know what it means to have boundaries, but have absolutely zero idea what to do if they are crossed. Do you break up, despite the great things that you share? I am starting to doubt this relationship. That's a scary thing.
A second question that I have, is whether the boundary number 2 that I just described, can be a boundary at all. I have this great divide within myself that I do believe in some form of "non-normative" relationship, one that is driven by fantasies, adventure, etc. That doesn't have security and absolute monogamy as a priority. But boy, does it hurt when you find out someone is fantasizing about someone else this way. How would you deal with that?
Besides these two things, he has been great. He gives a lot, he loves to spend time. He genuinely loves me. He has been one of the sweetest lovers I ever had (and then very randomly, he does this very unsweet thing). That's what makes this all the more confusing. But my trust in his ability to be honest with me... has grown smaller. Even though it feels like a very hypocritical thing, as I have trouble with that as well (though, no cheating on my part).
Love,
Pim
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