Need advice for opening the relationship on his side only

[findinghope]

Hello,

I'm looking for advice on how to accept my husband sleeping with other people. It's mainly men. I don't have a problem with it. It's the fact he lied about cheating. I figured at least it's men and I wouldn't have to compete with a girl. I've caught his profiles saying he's bi. He said he doesn't cheat but I'm still finding things where he's sleeping with others.

How do I accept it and move on? How can I just have a happy life with him and be okay with it? How do you overcome this?

We have children together. We've never been married but I figured if he wanted to leave after all these years he could have. But he stayed. So he must love me and want to be with me. We have been together 20 years, high-school sweethearts.

I know that from my end I had deprived him of sex, so I can honestly see why he did this. I'm mad at him, but I've also taken a step back and seen what I did too. It's not entirely his fault. He didn't flat out say this, but he pretty much said he's gonna do what he wants, so I either accept it or leave.

But I don't wanna be with another man. He's my best friend, my love, my life, my entire world. As you can see, I'm willing to do anything for him. Thanks in advance.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you're struggling. It's a lot to discover he's been lying, cheating, won't own it and is basically going to do whatever now.

As you can see, I'm willing to do anything for him.

At this time, you say you are willing to do anything. But you sound like you are not willing to break up, even if that is the healthiest thing for both of you. Is that true?

I think you could consider breaking up, spending some time healing from that on your own, and then changing again to being exes and friends, if you both want that. Do healthy coparenting of the children.

Then he can be free to do whatever he wants in a way that is not cheating and not hurting you. Then you can be free from that sort of stuff.

I know that from my end I had deprived him of sex, so I can honestly see why he did this.

Your body belongs to you. How you share it is up to you. You are not a sex machine that dispenses sex any time he wants some. People choose to consent and SHARE sex with each other. You not wanting sex is not a reason for him to cheat on agreements. It might be a reason for him to ask to renegotiate or disband agreements, if you're not sexually compatible. But cheating is not necessary.

I either accept it or leave. But I don't wanna be with another man.

You are clumping a lot of things together, when they are separate things. You could accept you is not compatible, break up, and not date any new men.

he's my best friend, my love, my life, my entire world.

I think that's the problem. You value him more than you value yourself. One shouldn't neglect oneself in service to another.

In a healthy relationship, you have to be able to say, "I love you a lot. But no. Not even for you will I do things or stay in things that hurt me. That's asking too much. I have to love myself too."

I'm very sorry this is happening like this. But I don't think changing to a mono-poly arrangement to whitewash or absolve his cheating is going to make this all go away, or make it all okay. Polyamory is just a structure. It is not magic. People can also cheat on their poly agreements.

Then what? I think you could have a trial separation and think about counseling for yourself. You sound like you need support through this difficult time. Internet people can help with 1 or 2 things, but you have a LOT going on here.

Galagirl

 

[Evie]

How can I just have a happy life with him and be okay with it?

For some people, it just takes time to get to a new normal. Others never do and the marriage ends, and the exes end up walking away, thinking either, "Well, we really did try," or, "So should have gotten out right at the beginning and saved the hassle."

In short, there's no one answer. There's no way of us predicting or recommending your particular future, and really all any of us do is make the "right" decisions for ourselves in the moment, and then learn to forgive our past selves if hindsight proves that we might have thrived a little sooner had we made different ones.

So, you could give yourself a chance to adjust, read about detangling your relationship and try to work together on designing your future relationship rather than continuing to model it on the assumptions you made about relationships in high school and have probably never really interrogated fully since. Sure, you opened just enough to "allow" him to hook up with guys, but that's not actually examining your core beliefs about relationships. That was a Band-Aid, and it's not stuck. So, start again, from the beginning, and actually question what you really want your relationship to be for the next 50 years, should you be fortunate enough to grow old. Design it, don't default it.

(BTW... him saying he's "bi" on his profile is also about being honest with the men he's hooking up with.)

 

[kdt26417]

Hello findinghope,

It sounds like you and your husband are perfect for each other in every way, other than this one little thing. Only it's not so little when he sleeps around without your consent. You want to be okay with it, but really, is it okay if he treats you like this? Something to think about.

He was cheating behind your back. Now he's cheating out in the open. He no longer cares whether you know, and he doesn't care how you feel about it. He is going to continue to do whatever he wants, and you can just take it or leave it, is what he seems to be saying.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm guessing you two haven't had couples therapy. This isn't really a polyamory problem. It sounds like, to me, this is 20-year marriage that needs a reboot after all that time and having kids who are now becoming grown. Two high schoolers got married and were maybe each other's first sex partners. There might be lots of curiosity, on your husband's part, at least, about having sex with others, men, and yes, maybe other women too, especially if your sex life with him has become stale and infrequent.

Had you known he was struggling with his sexual identity, or does this come as a complete shock? If you weren't aware, it would seem that your emotional intimacy together was lacking.

I'd recommend some couple's counseling. Since he's your "world," but you are not "his world," this is going to take some serious renegotiation, and you'll either manage to stay together, or not, depending on how much you've grown apart. A good LGBTQIA-friendly therapist can help you two to untangle all the threads.