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madgrey

New member
Hi all! My name's Sarah. My husband and I spent our first thirteen years monogamous. About a decade ago, I fell in love with a friend and we gradually transitioned--with quite a lot of negotiation--to polyamory.

That first relationship ended, but we kept the poly. :)

I'm here mostly because I need community. When covid hit, I had just entered into a long-distance relationship with a friend on whom I'd had a quiet crush for a long time. I was so thrilled the attraction was mutual, and this person made me so happy.

But the pandemic started and he abruptly cut me off entirely. I'm still not sure why. We hadn't had any kind of argument or anything--he was a little prickly on our last call, and then he was gone. It's been six months since he's spoken to me--he's been ignoring my emails and DMs, and I've long since stopped reaching out--so I know it's indisputably over, but I'm still struggling to make sense of it.

I'm sad about losing a relationship I was excited about, but mostly I'm so damned heartbroken that I've lost him as a friend, and don't know how to fix it.

Anyway, it's hitting me hard. I'm used to talking through everything, even breakups, and in this case there's no talking happening at all. Pure ghosting.

I've been sharing my hurt with my husband, but he's told me directly he isn't the best person to support me through this (because jealousy), and has asked me to find other people to talk to. Which is completely reasonable--albeit inconveniently difficult because of this stupid pandemic.

So hi, here I am, nice to meet you! Wish the circumstances were completely different. :)
 
Greetings Sarah,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm very sorry to hear that your good friend ghosted on you. I get the impression that you could use some closure on what happened and why. We could speculate all day, but that wouldn't be the same as hearing it from him directly. My best guess is that you inadvertently said something that was somehow triggering for him -- an event that just happened to coincide with the advent of the pandemic. Either that or, he did not want to continue a long-distance relationship during a pandemic -- and he did not want to admit that to you. Or, it could have been a combination of things. In any case, it is painful to lose a friend. Doubly painful when you had a relationship with that friend. I wish he wouldn't have just disappeared like that, it makes it so you can never really get any closure.

If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
I'm very sorry to hear that your good friend ghosted on you. I get the impression that you could use some closure on what happened and why. We could speculate all day, but that wouldn't be the same as hearing it from him directly.

Yes, this! Exactly!

One of my last messages to him was asking, clearly and directly, for gentle closure. Alas, no reply.

My best guess, knowing him, is that he wanted to end things (for whatever reason) but didn't have the communication skills or emotional fortitude to do so--and so he just vanished instead.

😢

Thank you for the warm welcome, though! Very much appreciated.
 
No problem ... again, I'm very sorry he did that to you. He just did not have the communication skills to break up with you cleanly. :(
 
Welcome. Losing a relationship can be hard. There a great folks here. My wife was the same way when I lost the first relationship. I understand. She and I have grown.
 
Ach, the pandemic is causing all kinds of hurts, emotional and physical! It sucks to be ghosted on. I hate that. I'm sorry that happened.

It can be tricky to talk over a breakup with our nesting partner. Sometimes it can be too much for them to handle. This is a great place to vent! We understand! You can even start a blog in our Journal section, if you don't need tons of feedback or advice, but just want to feel heard. Writing things out can really help.

I hope your husband's jealousy isn't too severe, in general.
 
I hope your husband's jealousy isn't too severe, in general.

It isn't! It happens, but he's excellent at managing it. He's universally warm and friendly toward my partners, and he ended up good friends with one metamour a number of years ago.

This was an unusual case. He got a "bad feeling" about this person (we'll call this person Tom)--he stated some concerns about certain potential red flags, but since Tom had been a friend for years, I assured husband it wouldn't be a problem. Husband was still on edge about it, but supportive. (He and Tom never met; Tom lives on the opposite coast.)

When Tom later ghosted me, it set off husband's protective side--he got red-faced angry about it, and at one point asked if he could call Tom's cell to demand he give me closure. (I said no, and asked husband to just let it go.)

The jealousy this time is really triggered by how hurt I've been. It was one thing, I think, to know I was going to bed with someone else; it's another thing to see me devastated over someone else's poor behavior, to have no control over that person's actions toward me, and to know that his love wouldn't make up for the loss of Tom's. That's a type of jealousy I don't think he was ready to deal with.

So essentially...husband just cares. A lot.

This is pretty longwinded for an intro, I'm realizing! Maybe I'll start a journal. Clearly I've got feels to sort out. (Although, given covid, I'm not actively dating, so it might be the most boring navel-gazy journal ever.)
 
Hi Sarah,

Don't worry about your journal being "boring," just let it be whatever you need it to be. Covid has really screwed us all, I think people would understand your frustration about that. Also I think it's really sweet that your husband wants to protect you from being hurt so much. And finally, can I just say that I still hold out some hope that Tom will still reach out to you again. Eventually.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
The thing is, when something seems to be going well, and then the guy ghosts, you can even start to wonder if he's OK, if he's sick, did he die?

I mean, one time this guy ghosted on me after weeks of chatting and 2 dates. And it turned out he'd tried to kill himself and ended up in a mental ward. I was shook! A friend told me she read in on a local news website, because his attempt was in public, a cry for help. Yikes.
 
The thing is, when something seems to be going well, and then the guy ghosts, you can even start to wonder if he's OK, if he's sick, did he die?

YEP. Oh my gosh, yep. And with covid happening, that's right where my mind went--that he was sick, or someone in his family was sick, or he was super stressed and overwhelmed and needed either judgment-free kindness, or space. So for the first three months or so, I sent occasional "thinking of you, hope you're okay" emails.

But for a couple months now he's been interacting cheerfully with other people on social media. Of course, he may be hiding stuff--I can imagine him not being okay emotionally and just not wanting to show it outwardly. But he's shut me out so completely that if that's the case, then I'm not able to help him. (Also, if true, that's heartbreaking for totally different reasons).

Realistically, though...he does seem fine on social media. I stopped looking at his pages a little over a month ago, because it consistently left me feeling so baffled and disposable.
 
Gunslinger is currently going through “The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships”. This has been a good book for SW and I. Gunslinger seems to be doing well in his processing.

Closure is awesome. For me, it will never come. I just have to accept reality.
 
YEP. Oh my gosh, yep. And with covid happening, that's right where my mind went--that he was sick, or someone in his family was sick, or he was super stressed and overwhelmed and needed either judgment-free kindness, or space. So for the first three months or so, I sent occasional "thinking of you, hope you're okay" emails.

But for a couple months now he's been interacting cheerfully with other people on social media. Of course, he may be hiding stuff--I can imagine him not being okay emotionally and just not wanting to show it outwardly. But he's shut me out so completely that if that's the case, then I'm not able to help him. (Also, if true, that's heartbreaking for totally different reasons).

Realistically, though...he does seem fine on social media. I stopped looking at his pages a little over a month ago, because it consistently left me feeling so baffled and disposable.

Oh crap! He's talking to others, but not to you? Gah! It sounds like he's not the person you thought he was, after all. Are his friends your friends, so you see him on their posts? Or are you still friends/following him, personally?
 
Oh crap! He's talking to others, but not to you? Gah! It sounds like he's not the person you thought he was, after all. Are his friends your friends, so you see him on their posts? Or are you still friends/following him, personally?

I stopped following him on Twitter (I actually blocked the whole site using time-management software a little over a month ago), and I don't do FB.

However.

We met through a big online writers' forum when I joined back in 2013ish, and we've both been active members since. We were platonic friends for years. So yes, we have TONS of social overlap in the writing community--in the online group, on social media, at writing conventions, etc.

I've stopped logging on to the writers' group. One of the things I'm struggling with is keeping active in the writing community without having to see all his conversations with other people. (He can be quite witty and flirtatious with everyone. Which didn't bother me before--I liked that about him--but now it just stings.)

(I should add that he was mostly quiet, toward everyone, for the first couple months of the pandemic; he's picked up the social pace since late June or so.)

A friend suggested his silence might be the result of social ineptitude, conflict avoidance, and a twist of toxic masculinity: maybe he got stressed/overwhelmed with covid and life, quietly back-burnered me, then didn't know how to resume contact without having to apologize/explain himself/work to rebuild trust. Maybe? Seems possible, but I don't know. That's a pretty weak thread to hang my hopes on.
 
I think you and husband could consider that YOU give you closure about the Tom thing. Not Tom. YOU are the one who decides to do the things to help you let it go.

To me you sound like you nailed it.

My best guess, knowing him, is that he wanted to end things (for whatever reason) but didn't have the communication skills or emotional fortitude to do so--and so he just vanished instead.

And you sound like you know what you want to do to help give yourself the closure that you want.

I stopped looking at his pages a little over a month ago, because it consistently left me feeling so baffled and disposable.

1) To stop interacting with him or following him on social media.

Maybe I'll start a journal. Clearly I've got feels to sort out.

2) To journal to talk about it "out loud" and sort out your feelings so you can process better and then lay it to rest. You write it for YOU, not for other people so don't worry about it being "boring."

Galagirl
 
I stopped following him on Twitter (I actually blocked the whole site using time-management software a little over a month ago), and I don't do FB.

However.

We met through a big online writers' forum when I joined back in 2013ish, and we've both been active members since. We were platonic friends for years. So yes, we have TONS of social overlap in the writing community--in the online group, on social media, at writing conventions, etc.

I've stopped logging on to the writers' group. One of the things I'm struggling with is keeping active in the writing community without having to see all his conversations with other people. (He can be quite witty and flirtatious with everyone. Which didn't bother me before--I liked that about him--but now it just stings.)

(I should add that he was mostly quiet, toward everyone, for the first couple months of the pandemic; he's picked up the social pace since late June or so.)

A friend suggested his silence might be the result of social ineptitude, conflict avoidance, and a twist of toxic masculinity: maybe he got stressed/overwhelmed with covid and life, quietly back-burnered me, then didn't know how to resume contact without having to apologize/explain himself/work to rebuild trust. Maybe? Seems possible, but I don't know. That's a pretty weak thread to hang my hopes on.

It is easiest to get over a love affair gone wrong, by going no contact for a period of time. It seems really inconvenient though, to lose contact with all your other writer friends at the same time! I think it's unavoidable for now, sadly. Maybe you could find a new group. Ugh. This makes me mad for you. I can really relate.
 
I'm really happy you've started a blog and look forward to getting to know you better through it :)
 
Hi! I’m brand new here and just wanted to say I’m going through ghosting pain as we speak. So your post really resonates with me. 3 people have ghosted me in the past month. One of them got COVID and I literally thought he could have been dead. But seeing our chat on tinder disappear yesterday made me realize he’s alive and well and just decided to cut off contact with me. Awesome. Another just happened over the past few days too. A connection I had recently made and that was going so well just disappeared randomly. No prior weirdness or anything. In fact things were so good I thought this was going to be the one that really stuck. Seems I was wrong.

As painful as these have been for me, they weren’t people I have invested a ton of time in. So your situation is different and I feel for you. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it. Ghosting is so cruel - getting dumped sucks no matter what, but to be left wondering why with no answer just seems that much worse.

I also feel you from the husband standpoint. Mine is a very good listener and is always there for me, but there is only so much he can hear before he starts to tune out or get frustrated (I am a habitual repeater when it comes to my venting haha). I have no one in my life aside from one internet friend who knows about this part of my life. So I also need community. I’m hoping - and thinking - this forum is going to be great for us! Reach out any time if you want to vent mutually 😂
 
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