Need some outside perspective

F

FogCity

New member
Hi,

I am looking for some perspective and am hoping to find some here. I'm not looking for answers nor solutions, just perspective. I am going to try to be as objective as possible and just lay out the situation so that I can get your thoughts on it.

  • My wife and I have been together for over ten years, but not yet 15. From the first day we have had an open relationship.
  • Several years ago we met a couple, each falling in love with the respective others and we all moved in together.
  • The last 2 years have been hard for all of us.
  • Recently we split the families back up because the husband and my wife could no longer be together.
  • My wife and I have a civil but not very loving relationship, we've been "Transitioned" into friends for over a year. Living together, raising kids together, friendly, but not intimate.
  • My other partner and I have a very strong relationship, deep and intimate and respectful and empowering.
  • Her husband still likes me, we get along together really well.

Now here is where it gets tricky.

  • My wife does not want me to be with my partner anymore.
  • I feel as if she is only coming back to "Repair us" now because she feels like she is going to be alone. The Transition was her request, and there has been no move to repair us since (Almost 2 years ago).
  • I don't know If I am willing to leave a supportive loving relationship for what is a friendship at this point.
  • When my wife says she might leave me I don;t feel fear or panic. I feel relief, and this makes me feel really guilty.

I have noone really to talk to and kind of need some perspective from outside.

Thank you all.
 
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I am sorry you struggle. :(

She has asked you for your willingness to break up your other relationship and focus on repairs in the marriage?

And you are not willing to do all of that? Could state what parts you are willing and not willing to do.

  • I am willing/not willing to work on marriage.
  • I am willing/not willing to break up with my other partner.

Could go with being honest and up front. Then she has full information and can make her next choices.

Galagirl
 
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Oh I will absolutely be honest and up front. In fact I have already said most of it.
I'm just lost in the weeds. Not sure even what to feel.
 
It sounds like you are considering the "reasonableness" of your relationships and "the point" of making effort that is being asked of you versus the possible outcomes of that effort. It also sounds like you know what you want but just haven't told your wife that/made any ultimatums of your own. If things remain the same and nothing changes, it looks pretty obvious what will happen, i.e. you and your wife will end up divorced eventually.
 
Just because your wife doesn't want you to be with your other partner doesn't mean she will (nor should) automatically get what she wants. She was the one who asked for a transition into friendship with you (was that something you agreed to but didn't really want?), while your relationship with your other partner deepened and became more satisfying.

If I were you, I would tell your wife that you will not end our other relationship, because it is too far gone now and unfair of her to ask that of you, especially after she dialed down what kind of relationship she has with you. I would tell her that if she expects to work on healing or changing her relationship with you, that she has to see a poly-friendly therapist to address her issues.

Ultimately, if she is dissatisfied with her life and relationships, she needs to work on herself, and no demands she makes on you or anyone else would actually do anything other than create an illusion that she has control over the situation. Trying to direct your other relationships won't help her to accomplish the inner work she needs to do.
 
Thank you for your thoughts and input. It really helps me. The truths for me have been laid clear between us and I myself am seeing a poly friendly therapist but I also know I have no control nor responsibility over her decisions, only over my own.

Still feel like I'm drowning but the perspective from you all has helped and I greatly appreciate it.
 
Your metaphors, drowning, lost in the weeds, what do they mean to you? What are you drowning in? What are the weeds wrapping around you and dragging you down?

Just fear of losing your wife, even as a friend? Fear of change? Something else?

I hear you feel guilty that it seems like a relief to imagine splitting from your wife. It is a hard transition, growing apart. But it happens sometimes! Even if you weren't poly... happens all the time. People grow and change and stop being good couples. It's no one's fault. "Happily ever after" is (usually) a fairy tale. (I split with my ex husband after 30+ years together and 3 kids, much counseling. I just split with a bf this year after 2 1/2 years together, and that is still killing me, as I am still in love with him, but I had to do it. We just weren't right for each other.)
 
To offer useful perspective, I'd have to get a better understanding of why your wife seems to have distanced herself from the two main relationships I know of that she's had. When two couples join up to form a quad, I think it's tempting to treat it as an all or nothing deal; that is, if any two partners in the quad have a falling out, then the entire quad has to be dissolved back into two couples. I don't necessarily see it that way; I see each dyad as a thing of its own (with value of its own).
 
Hi FogCity,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be very difficult.

I'm with Kevin on this. Why does your wife want you to end it with your other partner?

In terms of offering perspective, my initial opinion is that it's never a good idea to end a relationship for someone else, nor is it fair for someone to ask you to do so. I've never seen it work out well once the new relationship has reached a deep level of intimacy.

It's great that you're seeing a poly therapist. If I were in your position, I'd ask myself where I want to be in the future. What will your life look life without your wife, and what will it look like without your other partner, if it comes to that? What benefits do you get from your marriage, and what do you get from your partner?

I heard something recently that I thought was wonderfully succinct. It was: if you knew that the world was going to end tomorrow, who would you want to wake up next to in the morning? Sometimes this can help to gain clarity when the waters are muddy.

I hope to hear how things are going for you and what your thoughts are now.
 
Is it possible that you know exactly how you feel and what you want, but you're judging yourself harshly for it? Divorce carries a lot of cultural baggage.
 
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