Need some perspectives

ZuzusPetals

New member
I am in a poly/mono marriage. I am the mono in the relationship. My partner has had a partner for the past year. We all get along great, so no issues there. The ongoing issue has been that my partner has this need to pursue other women, not for relationships, just for sex. This has been going on for years. He is on many social media/dating sites. He deletes messages, uses telegram to communicate with women, etc.

After years of me asking for him to be open and honest, he still will not and hides things from me. I have never given him a reason to not be able to trust me or be a safe place to share, so i am really confused as to why he cannot be honest and hides everything. I am at the point now that i dont think he will ever change and i am questioning if i want to continue this. I have started to become very resentful. If anyone has any insight or has gone through this, i would love to hear thoughts.
 
I am at the point now that i dont think he will ever change and i am questioning if i want to continue this I have started to become very resentful. If anyone has any insight or has gone through this i would love to hear thoughts.
You're right. He won't change. This has been working for him for years, so why would he change anything about it? You are the one who is unhappy with things, so you're the one who needs to do the changing.
 
Yeah, this isn't polyamory. He wants attention and sex from others. He does not seem to be a warm, balanced, giving, communicative poly partner. Dump him.
 
Hello ZuzusPetals,

I'm sorry your partner is not being honest with you, is hiding things from you. It seems obvious enough that he's not going to change, so then you have the unfortunate onus of deciding whether you should stay in a relationship with him. His actions are disrespectful toward you, so maybe by staying with him, you are showing disrespect toward yourself. You have your honor and dignity to preserve, he does not seem to care about those things. I don't envy you.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
So he has a consistent partner next to you for the past year, and you get along great with your meta?

What is the problem with him wanting to hide his other lovers/sex partners? What am I missing here? Do you (all) want to be a closed poly dynamic?

I'm really not getting it...
 
What is the problem with him wanting to hide his other lovers/sex partners? What am I missing here?
I'm really curious if there'll be an answer for this too.

There's probably some nervousness around sexual health for Petals to want to know about his sex partners, but for him, maybe he doesn't want to disclose partner choice (maybe he has a particular type he's avoiding mentioning), or he could genuinely be simply protecting the privacy of his sex partners. Don't kiss and tell may be a core value of his.
 
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I'm really curious if there'll be an answer for this too.

There's probably some nervousness around sexual health for Petals to want to know about his sex partners, but for him, maybe he doesn't want to disclose partner choice (maybe he has a particular type he's avoiding mentioning), or he could genuinely be simply protecting the privacy of his sex partners. Don't kiss and tell may be a core value if his.

Yes, I understand the personal sex hygiene from Petals (and for meta).

But don't understand the DADT approach from Petals' partner for other partners, especially if he already kind of has a KTP thing going on anyway.

Is there some bdsm/kink stuff that he is hiding or ashamed of or something. Odd case this is.
 
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The ongoing issue has been that my partner has this need to pursue other women, not for relationships, just for sex. This has been going on for years. He is on many social media/dating sites. He deletes messages, uses telegram to communicate with women, etc.

How do you know all this is going on?

After years of me asking for him to be open and honest, he still will not and hides things from me. I have never given him a reason to not be able to trust me or be a safe place to share, so i am really confused as to why he cannot be honest and hides everything.

Does he give a reason why, or just say nothing, or stonewall?

Does he even give you enough info for informed consent/ sex health basics? And would you even believe what he says if he keeps things hidden/does lies of omission? Is he putting your health at risk?

I am at the point now that I don't think he will ever change and I am questioning if I want to continue this. I have started to become very resentful.

If you aren't getting the honesty/forthrightness you want in this relationship, he doesn't make the cut for what you seek in a partner, and you are tired of this, it's okay to end it and not deal in this anymore.

Galagirl
 
I am in a poly/mono marriage. I am the mono in the relationship. My partner has had a partner for the past year. We all get along great, so no issues there. The ongoing issue has been that my partner has this need to pursue other women, not for relationships, just for sex. This has been going on for years. He is on many social media/dating sites. He deletes messages, uses telegram to communicate with women, etc.

After years of me asking for him to be open and honest, he still will not and hides things from me. I have never given him a reason to not be able to trust me or be a safe place to share, so i am really confused as to why he cannot be honest and hides everything. I am at the point now that i dont think he will ever change and i am questioning if i want to continue this. I have started to become very resentful. If anyone has any insight or has gone through this, i would love to hear thoughts.
I find that when I don't want to share something with my partner, it's because of some hidden internal shame. It's easy to judge it as dishonest or lack of respect. Maybe it's sex addiction, maybe it's something else. It can take a few years and patience to talk about our deepest secrets.
 
So he has a consistent partner next to you for the past year, and you get along great with your meta?

What is the problem with him wanting to hide his other lovers/sex partners? What am I missing here? Do you (all) want to be a closed poly dynamic?

I'm really not getting it...
Yes, there is absolutely no issue with my meta. We all get along. We go out together. Everything is good there. However, he has this need to seek out other women for sexual encounters and not tell either one of us.
 
I find that when I don't want to share something with my partner, it's because of some hidden internal shame. It's easy to judge it as dishonest or lack of respect. Maybe it's sex addiction, maybe it's something else. It can take a few years and patience to talk about our deepest secrets.
I often think that shame is the culprit here. He’s seeking out women for BDSM sexual encounters, which I am open to and have expressed interest in. However, he has refused to explore that with me. He was raised by a very religious mother. Maybe that’s where the shame comes in. I just don’t know if this is something I can overlook any longer, but I also struggle with-- is it worth leaving a 17 year marriage for?
 
Yes there is absolutely no issue with my meta we all get along we go out together everything is good there . However he has this need to seek out other women for sexual encounters and not tell either one of us .

Could you ever be okay consenting to the sexual encounters with a DADT and let him explore that BDSM side of himself on his own? As long he is honest about it that he is doing it and keeping up with sex hygiene and regular testing. Perhaps condoms for you and meta again for a while as well.

Are some of the sex and attention taking away from you and meta? Is he keeping up with dates and intimacy? What does meta think about all this?
 
I often think that shame is the culprit here he’s seeking out women for bdsm sexual encounters which I am open to and have expressed interest in however he has refused to explore that with me . He was raised by a very religious mother maybe that’s where the shame comes in . I just don’t know if this is something I can overlook any longer but also struggle with is it worth leaving a 17 year marriage for

Could you ever be okay consenting to the sexual encounters with a DADT and let him explore that BDSM side of himself on his own? As long he is honest about it that he is doing it and keeping up with sex hygiene and regular testing. Perhaps condoms for you and meta again for a while as well.

Are some of the sex and attention taking away from you and meta? Is he keeping up with dates and intimacy? What does meta think about all this?
It's definitely taking away from us, and sex has been almost non-existent between him and me for months. As for my meta, she isn’t aware of this, as far as I know. I don’t know if I could do DADT. That is what he would like, I’m sure, but it seems like that would be just a free pass to chaos.
 
Definitely taking away from us and sex has been almost non existent between him and I for months as for my meta she isn’t aware of this as far as I know

Have you and husband considered a kink friendly therapist? Together and alone? He sounds he needs to explore that side of him alone first, because of some shame you mentioned. It could just be easier for him when it's a stranger.

If it's a dead-end on the communication front, you could then decide if you want to bow out or not.
 
Definitely taking away from us, and sex has been almost non-existent between him and me for months. As for my meta, she isn’t aware of this, as far as I know. I don’t know if I could do DADT, but that is what he would like, I’m sure. But it seems like that would be just a free pass to chaos.
If you have been actually polyamorous for years, but now he wants a DADT arrangement around his kink encounters, and is also being less present for you time-wise, and sexually, I can see why you'd be upset.

DADT is technically an option in ENM, but it's generally not recommended and difficult to do, because it can feel distancing, and even like your partner is leading a whole secret second life.

I'm sorry you're facing a possible end to your marriage. I'd suggest you tell your h you'd like to do couple's counseling so you can get to the bottom of this issue. Maybe he'd rather do that than just lose you because of his possible shame around kink, which you are actually open to.
 
After years of me asking for him to be open and honest, he still will not and hides things from me. I have never given him a reason to not be able to trust me or be a safe place to share, so i am really confused as to why he cannot be honest and hides everything. I am at the point now that i dont think he will ever change and i am questioning if i want to continue this. I have started to become very resentful. If anyone has any insight or has gone through this, i would love to hear thoughts.
Have you ever had an open dialog asking why he likes to hide?
 
Does the secrecy around his casual sex partners bother your metamour, too?

It does seem weird that he needs to hide it. My former partner of many years had both serious other partners and many casual encounters over the 12 years of our relationship, and he always talked openly about both.
 
I see you just started another thread about trouble with your meta, and so it made me wonder if this secret dating life of your husband was ever resolved in some way too!
 
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