Need to brag

Sunshire08

New member
Why do my partners enjoy telling me they had sex with each other when they don't want to have sex with me? I am starting to get upset every time they have sex because they don't want to have sex with me. I know im not the most attractive person in our relationship but neither are sexually attracted to me anymore. My gf has never been that way with me and my bf and I have been together for 6+ years and recently he isn't wanting to be with me that way. Am I doing something wrong that warrants this?
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Just out of curiosity, how did the relationship between the three of you start? If I had to guess... you and your boyfriend were a couple and your girlfriend was added as a triad?
 

Sunshire08

New member
Yes my bf and I were a couple and we met our gf online through a game. She lived in another state when we first started dating. We have been with her for 8 months. But only been in the same state for 4 months. And I know it takes time for things to settle down but it still is hard.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
If your "girlfriend" has never been sexually attracted to you, then you've never been in a triad. She's not your gf in the sexual/romantic sense. She's just a platonic friend. If you attempt to have 3way sex, where the focus is on bf, it's still not a triad. A triad is where all 3 people are romantically involved, or at least deeply emotionally close.

If they don't even want to include you in this kind of threeway, and bf won't do one-on-one sex with you anymore, it sounds like the end is in sight for you and bf. I'm sorry.

It sounds like your bf and his gf are deep in NRE, and it's overriding his attraction to you. Maybe he's not really polyamorous at all, and can only love and desire one person at a time. If they are throwing their sex life in your face, while you are not getting any sex, that is cruel. It sounds like you are not convinced of your own beauty and maybe think you don't deserve to be loved or taken care of sexually, and so you're allowing their cruel treatment of you. Am I getting this right?
 

Sunshire08

New member
She was when we met in person for the first time in November but now she isn't. But since we move in with her it's changed.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Pro tip: don't move in with a partner for at least a year. What made you think moving her in was a good idea? Now she's #1 wife and your role is what?
 

Sunshire08

New member
Well seeing as we move up here got our own place before she moved in with us I didn't think it would be a problem. Plus when I met my bf we moved in with each other 3 months after we met, but I see what you are saying because basically my role seems to be the one of the 50s house wife. I cook, clean,and drive them where they want to go.

Now when it comes to the gf and I we are each others first gf. For me that is only because I was raised in a super strict Christian household and was told if I chose to be gay I would die. So it took me till I was in my 30s to let myself be who I really am. I know that doesn't give her any excuses to act the way she does.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok?

Why do my partners enjoy telling me they had sex with each other when they don't want to have sex with me? I am starting to get upset every time they have sex because they don't want to have sex with me.

Have you told them NOT to tell you when they have sex with each other because it is TMI? And it comes across like bragging?

Am I doing something wrong that warrants this?

Nobody is obligated to share sex with you. But if partnered and you used to share sex with BF, it's natural to wonder what the heck happened. That part is not you doing anything wrong.

From your other post?


I think you all jumped in too fast. I don't get what the big ol' hurry was.
  • You and him started an online chat and web cam thing with her in Sept.
  • You and him went to meet her in person in November.
  • Then you all moved to be where she is in Feb. You and BF got a house.
  • And then she moved into your house in ______.
  • So now you all live together.
  • Now it's May... and it sounds like they are more into each other than you.
  • You feel left out and your own home is not sanctuary.
I'm not sure why you would turn your whole life inside out by moving in Feb for a person you just met 4 months earlier. Or start living together so fast. Why RUSH so much?

If you had your own place even if you had moved too fast to be nearer? Then even if this was just growing pains of a new polyship? You would get some BREAKS away from it at your own place. Like some time out.

But nope. You all live here in the same house all the time. New to polyshipping. New to lesbian relationship. New as roomies even. Just NO breaks. There is no time out. No sanctuary. That part? The rushing? That was of your own making.

It sounds like poly hell FEELINGS...


...of being demoted, the intrusion, being taken for granted, etc.

But maybe it is not poly. Maybe it's really just plain "dragging out a break up" hell. If he is no longer interested in you? I don't know why he didn't break up and move by himself in Feb. Cuz it sounds like he's just not into you any more and she wasn't all that into you to begin with. I could be wrong in my impression but to me it sounds like the whole online chat webcam thing was exciting experimenty stuff... but it just led to them wanting to be off on their own. But not having the guts to just end it with you because neither one of them wants to be "the bad guy."

Is that what is happening here?

Are people using "poly" to be kind of a "whitewash" over the situation to make it sound better than it really is? Like you are "still included" but not really? Or just newbie bunglings and all caught in NRE? I honestly cannot tell.

You would know better. You are the one actually there.

Either way? I don't know if you have friends and family nearby for help or support since you rushed to move out there. Or if you have had time to make new friends and community.

I don't know why you still call her your GF. She's not a lover, and she's not sounding all that into you. Maybe it was just another experiment-y thing for her since you are each other's first GF... and the experiment fell flat but she doesn't want to say in case that means breaking up with him too. (Or did she feign interest just to get access to BF?)

And BF? Sounds like he's taking your for granted or cooling off entirely.

If bottom line is that neither your GF nor your BF meets your personal standards for what you seek in a dating partner right now?

Talk to see if anything can be fixed.

And if not? Things don't improve? People are just saying whatever and then just phoning it in? No real changes?

Could dump them and move on. And resolve not to be in such RUSH the next time you date. Date at least a year before moving nearby. Then date nearby for at least a year before moving in together. Slow some of this down.

Then if things go wahoonie along the way? It's a bummer cuz no break up is fun.

But ONLY things going wahoonie. Not wahoonie PLUS having to live with exes AND find a new place AND move AND the money AND...

All these extra loads on top of the wahoonie. YKWIM?

You could develop better foresight.

Basically my role seems to be the one of the 50s house wife. I cook, clean,and drive them where they want to go.

How about you do your fair share like any other roomie would? And stop overdoing?

And they step it up and do their fair share of chores like any other roomie? And learn to drive if they don't know how and make more use of public transportation? You don't have to taxi them everywhere.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Sunshire,

I know you don't want to break up with these people, I assume you are mostly venting and you get along with them well in about a million ways and it's just this one little thing, but think about it. How little is this thing? They have sex with each other, refuse to have sex with you, and then brag to you about the sex they are having with each other. What kind of way is that to treat you? Your role by now is the one of the 50's housewife. You cook, clean, and drive them where they want to go. Is this the kind of life you were hoping for? How long do you want to go on living this way? a year? five years? ten? fifty? Are you happy in this relationship? Do you get as much out of it as you put in? Maybe you do and I'm just not seeing it. But based on what I know so far, my vote is to break up with them.

Sadly and with sympathy,
Kevin T.
 

tdh

Active member
the 50s house wife. I cook, clean,and drive them where they want to go.

... I was raised in a super strict Christian household...
So you may be doing some subconscious relationship mirroring from the way you were raised. Part of the problem might be feeling familiar based on your upbringing. So while this isn't what you want out of a relationship, it is still a familiarity you maybe repeating without really understanding why. This is especially true if emotional abuse prevent you from taking up space because...
...(I) was told if I chose to be gay I would die.
That decades of negative reinforcement can have a long lasting ripple effect leading to subscous self sabotage. It prevents you from having space in the world so you shrink and you especially shrink around people you might take on as family.

If being gay is your true self, you still might be living your family/parents abuse out by staying in this triad relationship. It kind of reinforces that childhood messaging of the people who should care about you most are not. This is probably why your reaction is something is wrong with you instead of saying, "Well they are taking advantage me and our relationships. They are also treating me disrespectful. I don't deserve this!" and then you try to stand up for your needs, try to negotiate a more equalible situation, or decide to move on. This could be compounded if the Wife/Mother/Women figures in your upbring mirrored the 50s housewife role and the shrinking as "right" way to live.

Try reaching out to a therapist to talk about what is going on and helping you find your ground and continue to grow to your true self.
 
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