Carmina
Member
Hi I just came here because I have no one for support in adjusting to my partner wanting to explore a poly relationship with another guy. I am trying my best to be supportive but at times when it all feels too much and I'm not strong enough I get weepy and upset and try to keep it to myself as it makes my partner feel guilty but I need to let these feelings out somewhere so please bear with me. I can't even talk to my friends about this because it would probably turn them against my partner.
To put this in context I found this article useful being in the position of the ‘reluctant’ partner at the moment. I would describe myself as somewhere between ‘2) They are open-minded but reluctant about opening the relationship' and '3) They are completely freaked out and resistant to opening the relationship.’ We have been together nearly 3 years, and initially when we first discussed this a couple of years ago I was in the 2) but we had some ‘bumpy’ and very painful experiences that ended up with us deciding to put poly behind us for the last year and I thought that was the last of it tbh, but now my partner wants to revisit it having found someone she feels would be better for her, only now I am more reluctant than I was before having had fingers burnt more than once. However, I respect the fact that this is important to my partner and so am trying to find ways for me to deal with the considerable anxiety this provokes in me.
The big problem for me, and tbh this is something that article glosses over, is that our initial experiences brought up and rubbed salt into a lot of childhood wounds and maternal/sibling abuse, as well as numerous experiences of infidelity (not by me) from previous relationships. I have C-PTSD, depression and anxiety as a result of the childhood stuff, which results in a lot of insecurity in my attachments (particularly around my partner being away with another lover), and strong need for security and trust in relationships. I have come to realise that the idea of pursuing poly relationships for myself could just result in more than one person to feel insecure with, which means at the moment we are only exploring fully this for my partner anyway, although I would greatly value developing a non-sexual support system which may help ease me into the poly community and help me deal with my own issues. I am open to the idea that poly could be healing for both of us, but at the moment I’m tending to oscillate between that hope and pure terror and wondering how to be strong enough. I really could do with some help getting past that, but I know this is a huge amount of work. I have been in therapy before but at the moment we can’t afford that as my partner recently lost her job.
To add to the pressure on us both my father is at end of life care and had several suicide attempts over the last year (mother died 2 years ago which he never got over), I'm having to interact daily with family members I would rather not interact with due to history I won't go into, I'm in a very high pressure job, my partner also has MS and is currently struggling with new medication side effects, my daughter's relationship broke up 3 days ago so I also need to be there for her. So this poly thing just feels like too much at times but if I break down and my partner hears me crying it makes her feel bad. She has her first overnight with new guy after 2 meet-ups tomorrow - they have agreed to take things slowly and not just to jump into bed together before we are all comfortable with that but I'm really worried about how I'm going to cope while she is away and could do with some help.
Please be supportive and don't just suggest we are incompatible or should break up which isn't helpful. When you love and commit to someone that isn't the preferred option - we both love each other very much and want what's best for each other and want to work on this, not avoid it or take easy options.
To put this in context I found this article useful being in the position of the ‘reluctant’ partner at the moment. I would describe myself as somewhere between ‘2) They are open-minded but reluctant about opening the relationship' and '3) They are completely freaked out and resistant to opening the relationship.’ We have been together nearly 3 years, and initially when we first discussed this a couple of years ago I was in the 2) but we had some ‘bumpy’ and very painful experiences that ended up with us deciding to put poly behind us for the last year and I thought that was the last of it tbh, but now my partner wants to revisit it having found someone she feels would be better for her, only now I am more reluctant than I was before having had fingers burnt more than once. However, I respect the fact that this is important to my partner and so am trying to find ways for me to deal with the considerable anxiety this provokes in me.
The big problem for me, and tbh this is something that article glosses over, is that our initial experiences brought up and rubbed salt into a lot of childhood wounds and maternal/sibling abuse, as well as numerous experiences of infidelity (not by me) from previous relationships. I have C-PTSD, depression and anxiety as a result of the childhood stuff, which results in a lot of insecurity in my attachments (particularly around my partner being away with another lover), and strong need for security and trust in relationships. I have come to realise that the idea of pursuing poly relationships for myself could just result in more than one person to feel insecure with, which means at the moment we are only exploring fully this for my partner anyway, although I would greatly value developing a non-sexual support system which may help ease me into the poly community and help me deal with my own issues. I am open to the idea that poly could be healing for both of us, but at the moment I’m tending to oscillate between that hope and pure terror and wondering how to be strong enough. I really could do with some help getting past that, but I know this is a huge amount of work. I have been in therapy before but at the moment we can’t afford that as my partner recently lost her job.
To add to the pressure on us both my father is at end of life care and had several suicide attempts over the last year (mother died 2 years ago which he never got over), I'm having to interact daily with family members I would rather not interact with due to history I won't go into, I'm in a very high pressure job, my partner also has MS and is currently struggling with new medication side effects, my daughter's relationship broke up 3 days ago so I also need to be there for her. So this poly thing just feels like too much at times but if I break down and my partner hears me crying it makes her feel bad. She has her first overnight with new guy after 2 meet-ups tomorrow - they have agreed to take things slowly and not just to jump into bed together before we are all comfortable with that but I'm really worried about how I'm going to cope while she is away and could do with some help.
Please be supportive and don't just suggest we are incompatible or should break up which isn't helpful. When you love and commit to someone that isn't the preferred option - we both love each other very much and want what's best for each other and want to work on this, not avoid it or take easy options.
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