Needing support

Carmina

Carmina

Member
Hi. I just came here because I have no one for support in adjusting to my partner wanting to explore a poly relationship with another guy. I am trying my best to be supportive, but at times when it all feels too much, and I'm not strong enough, I get weepy and upset. I try to keep it to myself, as it makes my partner feel guilty. But I need to let these feelings out somewhere, so please bear with me. I can't even talk to my friends about this because it would probably turn them against my partner.

To put this in context, I found this article useful being in the position of the ‘reluctant’ partner at the moment. I would describe myself as somewhere between:
2) They are open-minded but reluctant about opening the relationship, and
3) They are completely freaked out and resistant to opening the relationship

We have been together nearly 3 years. Initially, when we first discussed this a couple of years ago, I was in the 2) category, but we had some bumpy and very painful experiences that ended up with us deciding to put poly behind us for the last year. I thought that was the last of it, tbh, but now my partner wants to revisit it, having found someone she feels would be better for her. Only now I am more reluctant than I was before, having had fingers burnt more than once. However, I respect the fact that this is important to my partner and so am trying to find ways for me to deal with the considerable anxiety this provokes in me.

The big problem for me, and this is something that article glosses over, is that our initial experiences brought up and rubbed salt into a lot of childhood wounds, maternal/sibling abuse, as well as numerous experiences of infidelity (not by me) from previous relationships. I have C-PTSD, depression and anxiety as a result of the childhood stuff, which results in a lot of insecurity in my attachments (particularly around my partner being away with another lover), and strong need for security and trust in relationships.

I have come to realise that the idea of pursuing poly relationships for myself could just result in more than one person to feel insecure with, which means at the moment we are only exploring this for my partner anyway. Although I would greatly value developing a non-sexual support system which may help ease me into the poly community and help me deal with my own issues.

I am open to the idea that poly could be healing for both of us, but at the moment I’m tending to oscillate between that hope and pure terror and wondering how to be strong enough. I really could do with some help getting past that, but I know this is a huge amount of work. I have been in therapy before, but at the moment we can’t afford that, as my partner recently lost her job.

To add to the pressure on us both:

- My father is in end of life care. He made several suicide attempts over the last year. My mother died 2 years ago, which he never got over.
- I'm having to interact daily with family members I would rather not interact with, due to history I won't go into.
- I'm in a very high-pressure job.
- My partner has MS and is currently struggling with new medication side effects.
- My daughter's relationship broke up 3 days ago, so I also need to be there for her.

So this poly thing just feels like too much at times. But if I break down and my partner hears me crying it makes her feel bad. She has her first overnight with new guy after 2 meet-ups tomorrow. They have agreed to take things slowly and not just to jump into bed together before we are all comfortable with that, but I'm really worried about how I'm going to cope while she is away and could do with some help.

Please be supportive and don't just suggest we are incompatible or should break up, which isn't helpful. When you love and commit to someone that isn't the preferred option. We both love each other very much and want what's best for each other and want to work on this, not avoid it or take easy options.
 
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Welcome. Hi. Would you please edit your post to add paragraph breaks? That will bring you more views and advice. Thanks. I think there is a 12 hour window to edit.
 
I'm sorry you are struggling. :( I hope venting here helps you.

Perhaps reading the book "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern could help you while you are in between therapists. Check around... sometimes colleges and universities set up programs for students to practice their skills. They get the practice, you get free mental health care.

In the rest of your life, it sounds like you are giving too much of yourself away supporting others and the result is that you are running bone dry.
  • Your father's end of life care and his grief over your mother's death (along with his suicide attempts)
  • Interacting with family members you'd rather not deal with
  • Daughter's recent break up
  • Partner's job loss
  • Partner's MS and medication side-effect struggles
  • Partner exploring poly

You are busy filling other people's buckets. You sound really spread thin. Who fills your bucket up and supports you?

This poly thing just feels like too much at times, but if I break down and my partner hears me crying it makes her feel bad.
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It sounds like you don't feel safe showing her this side of you, when you're crying from feeling overwhelmed.

It's ok to feel how you feel. It's a transitional time. The old normal is gone, the new normal is not here. Not just with changing to a poly model, but with all the other things happening in your life.

The big problem for me, and this is something that article glosses over, is that our initial experiences brought up and rubbed salt into a lot of childhood wounds, maternal/sibling abuse, as well as numerous experiences of infidelity (not by me) from previous relationships.
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Are you able to articulate what you need to feel safe enough trying again to change to a poly model?

She has her first overnight with new guy tomorrow. They have agreed to take things slowly and not just to jump into bed together before we are all comfortable with that. But I'm really worried about how I'm going to cope while she is away and could do with some help.
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Maybe the overnight thing is too fast? Could it change to an all-day date?

Or if the overnight is set, talk about what you need for before care. Maybe you'd like a short goodnight text or call. Talk about what you need for aftercare when she returns.

What sort of coping ideas do you need? What are the worries?

In the bigger picture, could you take care of yourself first? Like in a plane crash, one has to put on their own oxygen mask before tying to help other people. It's not selfish to do that. It is NECESSARY. Otherwise you keel over, and then what? You are down and you can't help others like that.

You sound spread in all directions. It's ok to say no to new incoming requests if your plate is already full. It's ok to let some things go to lighten the load.

Like the relatives. Is that related to your father's care? If you don't want to deal with them, could you stop? Or reduce to dealing with the least annoying one, and assign them the job to "telephone tree" the rest? Use online tools for news/coordinating his care? I'm just guessing there.

I hope things get better for you over time.

Galagirl
 
Thanks very much for this. Yes the overnight thing is a bit fast but I've agreed to it now and because he is several hours drive away it was better and safer than her driving back late at night, in her current condition, which I would be frantic about. He has a spare room she is sleeping in. I have spoken to him to try and build some rapport between us. I am placing a lot of trust in them to respect our boundaries. Also, I am someone who doesn't like to go back on agreements. They had 2 daytime dates already.

We are having a snuggly evening to ourselves tonight. She will keep in touch and come back first thing on Friday. During the day tomorrow I am very busy anyway, but it's the empty bed that will bother me most.

I know I am carrying a lot. I always have. I became too much of a people pleaser due to my childhood and it's hard to break out of.
 
'The relatives' is mainly alluding to my brother who lives nearest to dad. He's there most days. He's hard to avoid, as much as I would like to, for multiple reasons.
 
They had 2 daytime dates already. We are having a snuggly evening to ourselves tonight. She will keep in touch and come back first thing on Friday. During the day tomorrow I am very busy anyway. But it's the empty bed that will bother me most.
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Hmm... Sounds like you are already doing what you can with an evening to yourselves, keeping in touch while visiting, and coming back first thing Friday. You are busy during the day Thursday.

The empty bed Thursday night can't be helped if she's traveling. Could wearing her PJs or sleeping with her pillow help? Melatonin? Hot milk before bed? What do you usually do to encourage sleep?

Galagirl
 
It's OK for your partner to hear you cry. My partner and I cry in front of each other sometimes. Does it make her feel sad when I cry? Sure. She holds me until I get the tears out and achieve catharsis and get some relief. She gets to feel like she's helping me with my pain.

In fact, my father just died two weeks ago, and my beloved sister has brain cancer... Of course I cry now and then. What are friends for but to comfort us when we're sad, and celebrate with us when it's time for that? Sadness shared is halved, happiness shared is doubled.

If you are a guy, maybe you've been trained that it's weak to cry. I think this idea is becoming outmoded, because it is certainly not weak to have feelings, be sad or afraid or frustrated, and let some of the pain out through tears. Holding things in is not healthy and can lead to problems and bad behaviors.

As for the empty bed, you could look at disentangling. Long-term couples can get too dependent on each other. Obviously this is not compatible with polyamory. My partner and I have separate friends and we go visit them separately sometimes, for days at time. Same with family visits. Same with business trips. Couples do not need to sleep together every night. It's a privilege to sleep with your beloved, not a right. It's a pleasant habit, and sleeping alone can feel hard if you're used to it. But you can do hard things. And after doing it a few times, it won't seem so hard! You got this.

See this short article:

medium.com

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
medium.com medium.com
 
Sorry about your father. I'm glad you have someone there for you.

And thanks for the article. I don't think we are quite that extreme in terms of doing everything together. We both have our own interests and friends. We do visit them, sometimes together, sometimes not. But there are some good ideas there.

No, I don't think it's weak to cry. I have no problem with crying, per se, and neither does my partner, if it's over, say, a bereavement or even a weepy movie. I just think in relation to me being upset over this in particular, she doesn't like to feel guilt, which is understandable. She prefers to feel I am 100% supporting her. But that's a big ask, particularly at this stage in our journey. I wish I was that strong, but I'm not.
 
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I just think in relation to me being upset over this in particular, she doesn't like feel guilt, which is understandable. She prefers to feel I am 100% supporting her, but that's a big ask, particularly at this stage in our journey. I wish I was that strong, but I'm not.
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And that is ok. It is a big ask for you to be at 100% already at this stage of things. This might be the area where you need to detangle some. She might prefer you be 100% already, but she may have to accept you are not at that point yet. You need some time and space to actually get there. So she may have to detangle from your emotions, not like she doesn't care about you, just to let you have your own emotions about it along the way.

And you do the same detangling. You go ahead and cry when you need to, and detangle from her emotions when she sees you cry, not like you don't care about her, but you can't go around bottling yourself up either just so she doesn't have to feel things. Just let her have her own separate emotions about it along the way.

Let both of you get through the process even if parts of it are bumpy.

GG
 
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Carmina said:
Just bought the Jessica Fern book...
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I've read the first few chapters and I think it's giving me some insights into how I feel, and about the effects of attachment trauma. I'm not yet clear about becoming more polysecure being helpful, although it sounds great, in principle. For one thing, I know that if I have too much to cope with emotionally I just turn outwards and focus on pleasing everyone else but put my own needs on hold, and when I experience things that are traumatic for me I make myself 'dead' inside and detach.

There were specific things that I experienced in my childhood where this was literally a survival strategy, but now it just makes me depressed and disassociated which sucks the joy out of life.

I also know I tend to become hyper-vigilant, which impacts adversely on my sleep, and makes me jump at the slightest sound, as well as touch, which can impact on sexual intimacy for me, as I need to feel safe and in deep emotional contact with my partner to be able to enjoy touch and let go.

My biggest fear is poly could mess with that sense of attunement and safety and we could lose our connection.
 
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Dear Carmina,

My response is given with love and compassion. I believe a really good counsellor could be help you. You have so much to contend with right now and there are patterns there that are worth sharing safely with someone who knows about these things. May you find peace amongst it all.

Matthew
 
Thanks. I do know that but it's just not possible at the moment due to finances and the dire state of UK mental health services.
 
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My immediate challenge is just getting through this evening/night, but getting some moral support here does help :)
 
It isn't strange. Emotions are are pretty odd.

Only yesterday, my partner and I were saying what if a girlfriend (for her) didn't want me there? lol We kinda joked, would that be cheating on me? lol

You have to discuss everything. I was taken back by your friend's comment. I think real friends would always be neutral and not judgmental. Chin up.
 
...I need to feel safe and in deep emotional contact with my partner to be able to enjoy touch and let go. My biggest fear is poly could mess with that sense of attunement and safety and we could lose our connection.
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That is a reasonable fear to have right now, because you don't know her hinge skills/abilities yet. You don't know whether or not she will get carried away by NRE lalalas and give you short end of the stick, or manage both her new relationship and her established relationship with you in a more balanced way, rather than skewed to the "New Shiny Person."

Sometimes newbie hinges do take the established relationship for granted, get all caught up in securing the new relationship, figuring the established one will still be there once they calm down.

Maybe reading "Poly Hell" together and talking about how to mitigate some of those things could help you feel more confident in her hinge skills, that she isn't going to get carried away with NRE, that she will continue to maintain deep emotional contact and connection with you, not just phone it in.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

I know it doesn't help for tonight, but maybe you could talk about it later.

Galagirl
 
Thanks again, you are very supportive and knowledgeable about polyamory. I am 1/3 through the book you recommended now, so will look at it after that. I'm kind of freaking out a bit about the chapter explaining how poly is 'inherently' insecure. Not what I want to hear right now. But I can see that she is setting things up for a more positive message about attachment security within a different paradigm. (I hope anyway.)
 
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Maybe wait until later to read that chapter rather than today? And spend the time today looking for mindfulness apps or calming apps that might help more for tonight?

https://www.calm.com/ is one. Or if you like to color like a form of moving meditation, seek out mandala pages to print and color?

GG
 
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Thanks I have recommend that one myself to my students - I use urge surfing a lot to manage thoughts of self harm and panic attacks

Mindfulness not so much - I'm already hyper aware of everything and it tends to feed into that - I've come across a number of people with CPTSD who find this too - I find physical activity works better for me as it's more grounding
 
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Keeping busy in the garden right now then have a favourite movie lined up but also have some Zopiclone for if I can't sleep due to hyper vigilance and worry - I try not to rely on them but last night I was up all night and may well be tonight too if I don't do something
 
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