Needing support
- Thread starter Carmina
- Start date
That's good. I haven't read it but I've heard a lot of people say they benefitted greatly from it.
Alas that I am falling so short on giving you ideas on how to cope with the situation. I don't want to say that you and your partner are incompatible, but the thought has crossed my mind.
Alas that I am falling so short on giving you ideas on how to cope with the situation. I don't want to say that you and your partner are incompatible, but the thought has crossed my mind.
You two might be at the point where you could consider breaking up. It is possible for her to practice poly WITHOUT you.
Compromising on small stuff is ok. Compromising on core values? That's another thing.
It is possible to break up, take some time to heal, then change to exes and friends and remain in each other's lives that way if both want that.
If you are not at that place, the only other things I can think of is to ask partner NOT to do poly at this time.
And address these things with a counselor.
The Polysecure Workbook came out in fall, and I haven't read it yet. But could try the exercises while waiting to set up counseling.
And address these things with a counselor.
The Polysecure Workbook came out in fall, and I haven't read it yet. But could try the exercises while waiting to set up counseling.
Never is a long time. There are 8 billion people in the world. If your partner is poly and that triggers PTSD in you, even though you've had lots of therapy around what caused your PTSD, why keep putting yourself through that? If her nature is poly, she will never be able to be mono for you without feeling something she deeply needs is missing. If you need a mono partner, you will never find it with her, and you will constantly be feeling traumatized, over and over again. A person who is "hard-wired" for poly might be able to choose monogamy, maybe? But in most cases, it's like a gay person trying to be straight. You can fake it for a while, but it's soul-killing, and eventually you snap. You would never be able to feel like you fully trust her, that you're truly all she needs.
Hi Carmina,
What about the idea of a compromise? For example, what if your partner were to agree to only go on one poly date per week, and that on a weekday. And that the rest of the week, including the weekend, she will be there for you. Then you would be agreeing to her practicing poly (not in your comfort zone), and she would be agreeing to limit the poly (outside her comfort zone). That's just one example of a possible compromise between you two. Would something like that be doable? and would it help?
Just a thought,
Kevin T.
What about the idea of a compromise? For example, what if your partner were to agree to only go on one poly date per week, and that on a weekday. And that the rest of the week, including the weekend, she will be there for you. Then you would be agreeing to her practicing poly (not in your comfort zone), and she would be agreeing to limit the poly (outside her comfort zone). That's just one example of a possible compromise between you two. Would something like that be doable? and would it help?
Just a thought,
Kevin T.
Hi Carmina,
I came across another thread the other day, and it occurred to me that that thread might be of help for you in your situation. Here is a link to the thread:
The thread talks about jealousy, but I think it can also be applied to stress, insecurity, and how to cope. You might want to read it, it's not very long.
The idea, for me, is that, before your partner goes out on a (poly) date, she could first say to you: "I know what you think. I will go -- but only if we together devise now what *you* will do during the date." And you would feel better: Your love would spend the day with her passion, but she took care of you first -- so you also will spend the day well.
In case that narrative is too specific to help you in your situation, there is a more general variation: Your partner could say to you: "I will go -- but only if we take care of your needs first." The idea is that just hearing those words would make you feel better. After that it would just be a matter of you and your partner determining what your needs (at that time) are -- and how they can be addressed.
Would that help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I came across another thread the other day, and it occurred to me that that thread might be of help for you in your situation. Here is a link to the thread:
The thread talks about jealousy, but I think it can also be applied to stress, insecurity, and how to cope. You might want to read it, it's not very long.
The idea, for me, is that, before your partner goes out on a (poly) date, she could first say to you: "I know what you think. I will go -- but only if we together devise now what *you* will do during the date." And you would feel better: Your love would spend the day with her passion, but she took care of you first -- so you also will spend the day well.
In case that narrative is too specific to help you in your situation, there is a more general variation: Your partner could say to you: "I will go -- but only if we take care of your needs first." The idea is that just hearing those words would make you feel better. After that it would just be a matter of you and your partner determining what your needs (at that time) are -- and how they can be addressed.
Would that help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Hi Carmina,
One thing to do, when your partner is on a date, is get out there where you can meet people IRL. Make new friends. And if you already have some friends (nearby), you might be able to get together with some of them. Gets your mind off your partner being on a date.
Do you have hobbies and interests, especially ones that are just yours, not shared by your partner? Could you take a class, join a club, something on that order? That might be a way to help distract you from the angst of having a poly partner.
It seems to me that you and your partner are a perfect match for each other -- except for this one little thing. However, polyamory isn't exactly a little thing, is it? You said it yourself, you are struggling to cope with it. Hopefully some of these ideas will help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
One thing to do, when your partner is on a date, is get out there where you can meet people IRL. Make new friends. And if you already have some friends (nearby), you might be able to get together with some of them. Gets your mind off your partner being on a date.
Do you have hobbies and interests, especially ones that are just yours, not shared by your partner? Could you take a class, join a club, something on that order? That might be a way to help distract you from the angst of having a poly partner.
It seems to me that you and your partner are a perfect match for each other -- except for this one little thing. However, polyamory isn't exactly a little thing, is it? You said it yourself, you are struggling to cope with it. Hopefully some of these ideas will help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Cool.
There is also the idea of being at home during one of her poly dates, but while at home, indulging in food, drink, shows, activities, and whatnot, specifically things that you like, that your partner doesn't like (and wouldn't enjoy sharing with you). This way, you have something to look forward to when she's going out. And you could stay up as late as you want. No rules.
Hopefully these ideas help.
There is also the idea of being at home during one of her poly dates, but while at home, indulging in food, drink, shows, activities, and whatnot, specifically things that you like, that your partner doesn't like (and wouldn't enjoy sharing with you). This way, you have something to look forward to when she's going out. And you could stay up as late as you want. No rules.
Hopefully these ideas help.
Carmina
Member
I think that is how it felt the first time we tried poly - or more accurately when my partner wanted to try it and I felt I had to support that or face breaking up and I couldn't/wouldn't do that. I kept so much of the pain bottled up inside because I didn't feel able to share it with her I actually became quite ill physically. But this time she has done some work to try and find people I can trust better (the first time part of what made it horrendous was the people she chose were just using her and not really adhering to the 'ethical' in ENM - even lying about sexual health and on one occasion I was seriously concerned for her well being as one guy had a terrible temper and was into the more abusive end of BDSM). I have already had contact with them and they seem decent people with strong ethics so I feel better about trusting them and her not to go too fast for me to adapt. Also I do feel in a better place than I was when dad was dying and may even explore some sorts of relationship myself eventually, probably more of the cuddle kind though.