Needing support

I know I tend to do better when things follow a routine ...
 
I did ok again, the second night was harder though.

I have started an OK Cupid profile experimentally (well revamped an old one) but not sure it will come to anything - for one thing OKC has become ridiculously expensive since I last used it, but also I'm not sure I can cope with more than one partner.
 
Wow that sucks about OKCupid. More expensive? I heard it was harder to use nowadays! Maybe they'll get their act together ... a guy can always hope. Where else can one turn for poly-friendly dating? FetLife I guess.

Maybe that's all a moot point, if you're not feeling eager to have a second partner.
 
Yeah it's over £50 a month now - I think last time I was using it I was paying 15 maybe 20 at most. Plus I can't see any way to message anyone even if we both 'like' each other. Oh well, as you say it may be a moot point but on the other hand I would like to be able to test my own limits a little. I honestly don't know what my goals are though, we feel closer as a couple right now and it may be that's all I need, but sometimes you don't know what you are capable of until you try something. I didn't know if I could cope with this at all a couple of months back.
 
Without the ability to message someone on OKC, what possible point could there be in the site's existence. There are other poly-friendly dating sites and I can post a list here if you're interested, although they're probably not frequented as much as OKC. Although as I said, no matter how popular OKC is, what's the point if members can't message each other?

It sounds like your confidence and ability have extended somewhat in recent months; I hope you can find a way to test yourself. There is of course always getting out there and meeting people in real life (meatspace). But let me know if you want that list of alternative dating sites.
 
I guess the point is they just want people to pay now and the free tier seems to have been stripped of any utility, it's just there as a sort of honey trap. It's weird though because their help still says if you mutually like each other it should open up messaging but this isn't happening, maybe there are bugs?
 
Does OKC have tech support? and if it does, is it any good? and does any of that matter, given the state of the site overall?
 
Wow sucks about OKC. It was my go-to back in the day (and it was free) Especially since I tended to find interest in less poly community types.

Definitely not ready yet but curious what's out there.
 
Carmina said:
I guess the point is they just want people to pay now and the free tier seems to have been stripped of any utility, it's just there as a sort of honey trap. It's weird though because their help still says if you mutually like each other it should open up messaging but this isn't happening, maybe there are bugs?
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Mind you, I am currently in the throes of a wicked bad sinus infection, however, my inner cynic is saying that you were correct in that it's now just a honey trap. I don't think that is a bug, so much as a feature now. Pay the 50 quid for the upgrade or you get big fat donut hole of a zero. ;)
 
I've ditched my OKC account and am not actively seeking another relationship for myself. I realised I don't have the energy or inclination right now and have become accustomed, even if not entirely comfortable still, with my partner spending time away every now and then with her other partner. If anything this has brought us closer together anyway so my worries about it driving a wedge between us or (admittedly irrational) fears of being replaced, have not come to pass. I just don't think poly is for me really, I like the idea of deep commitment and have always hated dating so don't want to go back to that.
 
That makes sense; I think you made the right decision.
 
I realised I was mainly just feeling I needed to keep up somehow but despite the fact that I was getting lots of OKC likes it all just felt meaningless, like what’s the point of looking elsewhere when I have the person I love and want to spend my life with here already?
 
Heh ... that's similar to why I gave up on OKC (many years ago).
 
You know what? That's totally fine. Having the option to poly date but then choosing not to exercise it because you are doing just fine as it is.

You don't have to try to "keep up" with whatever your partner does or is doing. It isn't a race. It's not a competition.

You can just do YOU. :)

GG
 
We have been over a year without poly and it has been great, my partner's last relationship didn't really go anywhere in the end and she felt it had been a mistake really to get into it in the first place. To be honest I was relieved, although I wished we hadn't had to go through such a big relationship upheaval at a time when we also had so many other things going on, but I guess that's life.

I thought we had put the idea of poly behind us - we had a great year last year traveling and spending a lot of quality time together but she is now wanting to get into it again, albeit on a more 'asexual' basis, wanting more 'affectionate deep friendship' type connections than sexual ones. I'm trying my best to manage my deep anxiety around this, I don't want her to feel I'm being restrictive of her needs or controlling or anything like that, I want her to be happy and love her deeply, but I am honestly scared things may develop further than she intends. Even with the best will in the world, realistically I know trying to uphold boundaries like that is probably rather foolish, and also that sometimes 'stuff happens'. I don't think I'm well suited to poly, it seems to be you need to be pretty secure in yourself to cope with it and to have good internalised self esteem, I don't have either of those things - at least not particularly solidly.

I can be adaptable and even resilient to an extent, as this thread shows, I have been able to deal with a lot of stresses often at the same time and juggle many conflicting things, but it doesn't make me feel good because often to do that I have to park my own needs and just get on with stuff. I know there are issues going back to childhood that make me this way, I had to be like a carer for both my parents at various points while they went through significant mental and physical health problems, including as a child as well as more recently with my father, but poly seems to expose all my weaknesses and fears and lay them out in front of me. I need to know how to cope with this.
 
I don't think I'm well suited to poly, it seems to be you need to be pretty secure in yourself to cope with it and to have good internalised self esteem, I don't have either of those things - at least not particularly solidly.
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Good to have that self awareness.

I know there are issues going back to childhood that make me this way, I had to be like a carer for both my parents at various points while they went through significant mental and physical health problems, including as a child as well as more recently with my father, but poly seems to expose all my weaknesses and fears and lay them out in front of me. I need to know how to cope with this.
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You could cope by NOT going there again. It really seemed to drain you last time your were posting.

It's ok to tell your partner you are NOT up for poly.

So it might be time to say "I love you a lot. But NO. Not even for you am I going to do open/poly stuff that hurts me."

Because if partner wants this, and it keeps coming up over and over, and you prefer monogamy? There is nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. There is not wrong with wanting poly. But either of you bending into pretzels over it repeatedly? That's not good for either of you in your long term well being. :(
 
You could cope by NOT going there again. It really seemed to drain you last time your were posting.
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Of course, how I wish I could. I have had years of therapy, in my day to day life I don't go there and have a huge range of defence mechanisms and coping strategies. Some this stuff goes back to very early though, and I think relationship insecurity is probably the one thing that takes me back there, in everyday life I have to fight that C-PTSD sense of things being on the edge of falling apart all the time and I can when I'm doing things I feel confident in (like my job most of the time) but in insecure relationships I feel like I'm back being the small scared child, it's a very physical, visceral feeling that isn't entirely under conscious control.

So it might be time to say "I love you a lot. But NO. Not even for you am I going to do open/poly stuff that hurts me
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I thought that was where were were at, and that poly was behind us for good. My mistake. However I have no right to tell her not to do this, she is trying to compromise and not hurt me, so I feel I have to at least try that too. I don't want to make her feel bad either, and certainly not to lose her completely by being unsupportive, or by making her feel bad by not managing my anxiety well.
 
Hi Carmina,

There is a book you might want to read, it comes highly recommended, it is called, "Polysecure: attachment, trauma and consensual nonmonogamy," by Jessica Fern.

I'm so sorry that your partner has gone back to polyamory again. I don't mean to imply that your partner isn't allowed to do that, but I know you had your hopes up that polyamory was behind you.

Keep posting, and we'll keep trying to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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