Negotiating a Relationship

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
That makes a bit more sense now. I'm not really sure this relationship has anymore commodification than other relationships, I mean doesn't everyone consider what the other person has to offer when they start thinking about a relationship?

Absolutely not, or at least not the way you're describing. I mean, sure, I consider _compatibility_, but that's a question of how I fit with someone not "what can they offer me". Do we make each other happy, do we communicate well, do we have stuff in common, do we find _each other_ attractive... I mean neither I nor either of my partners are "rare beauties" but I find them both sexy and could care less whether the rest of the world does.

I'm not saying relationships should be all strategy, but you got to consider repercussions of your relationships, especially when public image relates to your brand.
Again, that seems to be a consideration _for you_, but don't assume that's universal. Hell, I'm a queer polyamorous woman living in the south. My relationships have far more likelihood to have negative repercussions for my public image than positive (well, depending on the social circle, or the client, I suppose) but that's not why I have them.
 

Hanky

New member
icesong; I see what your saying. I mean, that still sounds like what someone can offer you though. But, to circle back to something more material. Are you saying that how much money a person makes has no effect on your relationship eligibility? So like, if a guy was completely broke and couldn't offer you anything material, no dinners, no birthday gifts, no contribution to bills and vacations... That wouldn't influence your decision to be in a relationship with him?

And Marcus, I see what your saying at all but if I call this woman an escort I am deff. going to get slapped. lol
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I wasn't coming at it from an "escort" perspective.

But more a "short term relationship" or "FWB" arrangement. People have summer romances they know will end at the end of the summer. Or romances in school they know will end at college grad. And sometimes they might also have standing "FWB" agreements are there during "only when we are both single" and if one is partnered, they dial it back to "Friends only, no benefits." Or it's just a short while of FWB and not like "standing agreement FWB."

If this is a short term thing that can be enjoyed by both for the duration of a trip, or trip series? So long as both consenting adults know what the deal is? They can do what they want. It's their deal.

But don't argue about it. If things don't line up, they just don't.

Galagirl
 
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Marcus

Well-known member
And Marcus, I see what your saying at all but if I call this woman an escort I am deff. going to get slapped. lol

If she would be offended by your presenting it that way, is she really the person you are hoping to get into this kind of contract with? All I'm saying is that you have what I would consider to be a hyper-pragmatic approach to this association that has very little (if anything) to do with building healthy inter-personal relationships. Anyone you want to get into this contract with should be someone who looks at with a similar level of disconnect, and prioritizes PR and wealth like you do.

I just think you'll get closer to what you want if you stop trying to frame it as a romantic relationship, and work with someone who is comfortable with doing the same. You'll get much further with a lawyer or mediator than you will with a bunch of love-happy polyamorous people on a relationship discussion forum.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
So like, if a guy was completely broke and couldn't offer you anything material, no dinners, no birthday gifts, no contribution to bills and vacations...
This hypothetical is also hyperbole and consequently silly to discuss.
 

GypsyDez5

New member
So you want a one-penis-policy, which is fundamentally a double standard, and she doesn't want to agree to that. I wouldn't either.

I don't think you should "negotiate around" this issue. This is a fundamental incompatibility and I don't get why the two of you are still hassling each other. You don't sound like you have any respect for her, you don't particularly seem to like her, so... why are you still messing with it?

Lot's of polyamorous people are insecure, and try to regulate the actions of their partners (one penis policy is a classic example), instead of dealing with their insecurities. You make it clear that you have no problem with your double standard, which I presume means you have no interest in addressing your insecurities. That being the case, my recommendation would be to go find someone who will follow your rules so that you don't have to deal with your own internal issues.
Yeah definitely agree, this situation sounds more BDSM master to me. I have been in (only one tho)LTR BDSM and it was just us two as agreed but others liked the " one penis policy " while the head of the group could have anyone. But iv only been in the one so I dont have any others to personally compare to. I really don't think it's a good idea tho. :( yall both sound a little possessive of each other.
 

Hanky

New member
I just think you'll get closer to what you want if you stop trying to frame it as a romantic relationship, and work with someone who is comfortable with doing the same. You'll get much further with a lawyer or mediator than you will with a bunch of love-happy polyamorous people on a relationship discussion forum.

The take home message I am getting from multiple posts here is that you all would like me to go away. Is that right?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Count me as one who would *not* like you to go away. FWIW.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Are no silly discussions allowed here or something? Or did I strike a nerve with my prying?
Hahahaha, no, and if you want to start a silly discussion, I just recommend you do so as a separate thread in the Fireplace forum since there's a bit of a different approach in there as no particular relationship matters (e.g. it being specifically about your circumstances) are involved.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
icesong; I see what your saying. I mean, that still sounds like what someone can offer you though. But, to circle back to something more material. Are you saying that how much money a person makes has no effect on your relationship eligibility? So like, if a guy was completely broke and couldn't offer you anything material, no dinners, no birthday gifts, no contribution to bills and vacations... That wouldn't influence your decision to be in a relationship with him?
Honestly it depends on the reason. Is he, like, home sitting in his parent's basement playing video games and that's why he's broke? That's a problem, but it's mostly a problem of being wildly boring. If he's broke because he has spent the last five years volunteering in an underprivileged school? well that's a different life choice and I wouldn't mind paying more than my "share" of expenses.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
The take home message I am getting from multiple posts here is that you all would like me to go away. Is that right?
Nah, it's an interesting conversation, I just disagree wildly with your entire perspective on relationships. But I don't particularly like echo chambers either.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
The take home message I am getting from multiple posts here is that you all would like me to go away. Is that right?

I don't speak for anyone but myself, so definitely don't take my opinion as some kind of authority on this forum. Tons of people disagree with me on fundamental level, so it would be incorrect to put my voice on some kind of pedestal.

However, your point stands that I have suggested you're in the wrong place several times, and it wouldn't be unreasonable to take that as my saying you aren't welcome. I don't feel comfortable making someone feel like they aren't entitled to their own approach to relating to people, regardless of how much I disagree with that approach.

If I can refine my point, it would be that I think you're applying inappropriate tools in order to try and fix the problem that you're having. This forum is generally designed to discuss polyamory, which is to say members of an association take part in (or are free to take part in) multiple romantic relationships simultaneously. Those situations tend to be a little complex and discussions are usually geared to different ideas on how to handle them.

Unless I have misunderstood the thrust of the issue you are having, you are not trying to set up a polyamorous situation. You are trying to negotiate a contract with someone for the purpose of bolstering your public image, which is connected to your online business. Having multiple romantic associations simultaneously doesn't seem to be even related to what you are talking about.

You may actually intend for this partner to be free to have multiple romantic relationships with women, and you might intend on having multiple romantic relationships with whoever you want. I haven't seen that is the case, and it certainly hasn't been related to any of the concerns you've brought up.

You are absolutely welcome to continue posting here (not that I have the authority to give or remove that permission), I just think you're trying to use a meat cleaver to unscrew a lightbulb.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
So what is it that you evaluate then?
What capacity *I* have for that relationship. I don't ask myself if he is partner material, I ask myself if I am going to do justice to that relationship.

If I'm contemplating a relationship, I already know I am emotionally and sexually attracted to the person and we generally have matching value systems.

Then, I let things unfold organically. I will end the relationship if our treatment of each other is no longer working for me.
 

fuchka

Active member
I am thinking on your intention of being open instead of cheating. I would say that's a kind of "ethical non-monogamy" - and yeah, you might manage to negotiate an open relationship along those lines. (With a different person!)

I agree with Marcus and others that what you're describing is more like a business transaction than a loving, organic relationship that is based on mutual respect and a willingness to grow. The latter is not everyone's relationship style on this forum, but if you think about the relationship skills people are seeking to build for poly, it's more along those lines in the main.

These don't seem like the skills you're going for.

You seem to think that there are others who would jump at the chance to sign up to what you're "offering". Why not move on, then? (not from this forum, but from the impasse)

I don't think either of you are manipulating each other. You just want different things and are unwilling to compromise. Good for you, both of you. It really sounds like you'd be happier seeking other people who would be more compatible with your respective priorities.
 

Token2

Member
I think your original stipulation - no other men is only fair if it goes both ways and you can only sleep with men...
 
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