Negotiating Open with Someone Waiting in the Wings

[Tinwen]

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I have been in a very similar situation, (with only the minor differences that I was full-blown in NRE, and that my ex was at least in words willing to try work towards opening up, but his emotions were essentially the same as your partners, so...).
I miss him, and I miss the dream of building a family together. But I love that I was able to experience my kinky side, so the only thing I regret is dragging it out for several months and hurting each other more and more deeply in the process.

He fears the future, believing that I will push him continuously, even in a year, toward opening up, and that if he doesn't agree, I will cheat on him or break up with him to explore whatever person is tempting me at that time.

And? Isn't this exactly what would happen? (less the cheating part) You can't shelve sexual exploration, can you? And he can't help feeling pressured, if this is what you want and even just mention it, can he?
Again, I am sorry, but this seems real. You would have to truly commit to monogamy, which ...

the idea of closing myself off from such beautiful connections forever just seems sad and limiting.

... is not what you want at this point in time.

People told me recently in another tread that settling down is not something to force myself to do, it is something which usually comes as a desire naturally. You might find out easily later that you in fact prefer (serial) monogamy, but I am sure the decision to remain faithful must come from deep inside, not be enforced.

I still really feel like this is all my fault, and that having sexual connections with other people should not be so important to me. It is, though, and I don't know if I like that.

I had that too, with regards to kink.
It seem it is not so uncommon though. Anecdotally people do break marriages even after decades when the discover they need to explore (kinky) sex. Over amplified guilt is quite a useless feeling. Your not alone with this.

Good luck.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Vulpis):

"It frustrates me that he refuses to read even chapters or passages from the books. Not even the general ones about communication."

Possibly he is afraid that he will read something he agrees with?

 

[Vulpis]

Thanks again to all posters and readers; your concern and care moves me.

I understand that we have sort of grown apart, but what strikes me is the speed with which that happened. This realization of my need to explore myself and other people sexually was sudden, unwelcome, and shocking to both of us. Although we have always had our differences, I never viewed them and still don't really view them as incompatibilities. He has flaws. We work on them together. Things like him being aggressively logical and bullying others into submission when he argues is an issue for him as much as me and we work on that together.

But I guess you guys are together til you leave in September and then will break up for good? Is that the plan for handling this?

I don't know what the plan is right now. We seem to be pretending that none of this is happening and going on with our lives together. He has been texting with a mutual friend who knows the situation. While I'm a little sad that she's not talking to me, I understand because she's been on Partner's side of this problem in a previous relationship. Hopefully she can help Partner to sort out his thoughts and come to terms with everything, for better or worse.

Vulpis, you are obviously very intelligent and very compassionate. My only hope for you is that you don't join him in avoiding what is true for you and let him sweep things under the rug.

Thank you. I only hope that by embracing myself, I don't cut him deeper than necessary...

He fears the future, believing that I will push him continuously, even in a year, toward opening up, and that if he doesn't agree, I will cheat on him or break up with him to explore whatever person is tempting me at that time.

And? Isn't this exactly what would happen? (less the cheating part) You can't shelve sexual exploration, can you? And he can't help feeling pressured, if this is what you want and even just mention it, can he?

To some extent, yes. However, I am not going to leave him for another. If I leave him, I will leave for myself. What he seems to fear (I can't be sure because he won't communicate effectively) is the discovery of another man who is "better" than him, especially sexually. The way he's been acting during and after sex suggests that he fears he is not sexually satisfying me and that if he could just fix that, everything would go back to normal.

I have told him the truth from the beginning of this, but he still doesn't trust that I'm not planning an affair right now. He is so caught up on the idea of me having sex, specifically dick-to-skin contact, that it's hard to even talk about what agreements would look like with him. When I say things like "I'm not interested in that right now because it's not constructive for us," he'll say "Yeah, maybe not right now," and then shut down the conversation.

I haven't brought up the issue since the fight. Until he wants to sit down and discuss things, I'm not interested in more fighting.

Possibly he is afraid that he will read something he agrees with?

Why would he be afraid of that? I don't understand how he could be willing to end the relationship without even making an effort to understand my position or work on his own communication skills. I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting while he's just hurting.

 

[kdt26417]

Possibly he is putting up a wall of resistance, painting himself white and you black. Reason being, he's in a state of conflict within himself. On one hand (the subconscious hand), he may wonder if there is some merit to the idea of opening up. On the other hand (the conscious hand), he's so terrified of opening up that he's determined to never find out there's anything good about it.

That probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but how do you make sense of the insensible.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't understand how he could be willing to end the relationship without even making an effort to understand my position or work on his own communication skills. I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting while he's just hurting.

That's is exactly why. He's hurting. When caught up in hard emotions, some people are not able to calm down enough to think straight. They need some time.

Making an effort to understand your position or being willing work on his communication skills? That's admitting there's a problem in his understanding of you or a problem in how he communicates. He doesn't want to do that and appear "weak." He has a fear of you dumping him for someone "better," remember? Showing "weakness" must be avoided at all costs.

Where HIM ending it before you do? That gives him the feeling of control. And the sense that he is protecting himself from having to feel anything else yucky. He can feel powerful then. "Get you before you get him" mentality. Especially since he believes you are going to cheat on him anyway.

The healthier approach is to be emotionally honest, be ok feeling vulnerable and work THROUGH this. But he's not great at emotions so I don't know how likely that it as an option here.

I'm hoping that his friend will be able to tell him that he's jumping the gun, working himself up, and then wigging out over his own wonky thinking rather than actual facts. Maybe he will be open to hearing it if it comes from someone else?

I haven't brought up the issue since the fight. Until he wants to sit down and discuss things, I'm not interested in more fighting.

I think that's the best thing you can do right now.

When someone is all emotionally het up, you could let them have time and space to cool down. Trying to talk to them while they are all het up is not productive.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

 

[Vulpis]

That probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but how do you make sense of the insensible.

Makes sense to me, even if it's irrational.

He's hurting.

When I told him during the initial fight that I knew he was hurting, he kept insisting he wasn't. That's very frustrating to work with.

I'll wait. I do worry about LDR and know we need to have a real conversation about that, but I guess we can't really until he figures out what he'd like to do about all this.

I know that I'm not actively causing this pain to him, but I was honest with him when I knew that it would be painful for him. Then again, I guess that was a better option than trying to ignore it and growing resentful of the relationship...

He seems to be okay right now, but he does make little comments suggesting he is still hurting. Things like "When I find a hot girlfriend for you to approve" and being overly curious of every text I get. He even seemed to be afraid I was reading his texts this morning when I was reading the news on his phone (he has a better app), but that might have been me projecting.

 

[GalaGirl]

When I told him during the initial fight that I knew he was hurting, he kept insisting he wasn't. That's very frustrating to work with.

I get that it is frustrating.

I have some people in my life who are like that. I have three friends with the same tell -- they all bounce their knee up and down when sitting when they feel anxious/agitated. They don't notice they do that, but I do. When I ask if they are ok? They INSIST they are fine and nothing's wrong with them.

I have another who has "I'm fine" like a mantra and not like a report on her emotional state. She just goes "I'm fine, I'm fine" like she hopes just chanting that will make it so. If she's ACTUALLY fine, she usually says something else like "I'm doing well, thanks! I did _____ this week. How are you doing?" But when the "I'm fine, everything is fine" chant starts up I know something is NOT fine.

They think they are "fine enough." Who am I to argue?

I just choose to believe them at their word (even if they report wrong) and get on with my things. If I have tried to make space for them and their possible needs, and they choose to pass on that opportunity and don't want to articulate needs? After a bit of time to make sure they aren't going to change their minds? Then I'm just going to move on to attending to meeting my own needs then. And I'm not going to feel bad about that. Life is not a dress rehearsal. I only get the one I get, so I'm going to live it. I can't be spending my life "on hold" for other people. What for? They can put their own lives on hold if they want. But not mine.

If it turns out something bites them in the butt because of their own false reporting? Well, they can own it, and learn not to do that behavior any more.

I know that I'm not actively causing this pain to him, but I was honest with him when I knew that it would be painful for him. Then again, I guess that was a better option than trying to ignore it and growing resentful of the relationship.

Yup. It's better to be honest.

Galagirl

 

[Vulpis]

Thank you so much GalaGirl; your insights into people who don't want to open up emotionally were very helpful for the past couple weeks while I've been trying to deal with the "I'm fine" routine. I no longer view it as lying directly to me; he's creating a barrier in order to internally process things, although I'm very disappointed with the poor job he seems to be doing with that...

So everyone here has for the most part said the same thing, which is that I really have two options:

• Stay and be closed/ wait for him to be open
• Break it off and explore my own, new path.

After an argument the other day, it really sank in that we have more issues to worry about than my desire to be open. Although being open is important to me, Partner and I have serious communication issues on both sides and have had those issues since long before the "incident".

I've learned that I seem to be a passive communicator at least somewhat, and probably just a poor listener. I seem to hear things people aren't really saying.

I've also learned that Partner can't wrap his head around why he needs to be able to say what he feels instead of having me guess.

When I told him he should be able to identify specific emotions and relay them to me if he needs support to handle them, he couldn't understand how I could not put myself in his shoes and simply know his feelings.

I'm not really sure how to handle that. I tried to explain that we're different people, and I can't possibly have the exact same reaction he has to things. But apparently I should still always just "know" how he feels.

I thought we had had a breakthrough last week when he told me he felt "threatened" when I was leaving to go to out for drinks with some male friends. But when I brought it up and told him I was really happy he felt safe enough to tell me that, he asked how I didn't know that before.



I have no idea how we're going to get through LDR. Trying to stay positive... but...

 

[kdt26417]

Well, unless you have ESP, you are going to need him to talk to you.

 

[GalaGirl]

Although being open is important to me, Partner and I have serious communication issues on both sides and have had those issues since long before the "incident".

Poly (or just talking about poly) has a way of magnifying already existing cracks in the foundations.

I'm not really sure how to handle that. I tried to explain that we're different people, and I can't possibly have the exact same reaction he has to things. But apparently I should still always just "know" how he feels.

I wonder if he thinks you are an extension of him and should already know everything anyway. And this "evidence" of you being an actual separate person and NOT an extension of him is wigging him out.

I also wonder if he likes it how it is -- with you carrying most of the load. And you no longer wanting to do both sides of the communication stick? You doing your side and him doing his?

• From your POV that means "more fair" -- each person doing their share of the communication load.

• From his POV, if his expectation was that you do it all? It means now he has to do "more work to get LESS." And you aren't doing "your job" like he wants you to. So maybe he chooses to act out. Rather than reviewing if he has realistic expectations to begin with.

Or maybe it is something else, but he isn't saying.

I'm sorry you deal in this.

And no. LDR with a partner like this does not bode well. Seems simpler to end it in September when you move if communication has not improved.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

When I told him he should be able to identify specific emotions and relay them to me if he needs support to handle them, he couldn't understand how I could not put myself in his shoes and simply know his feelings.

Maybe he got it now, looking back at your discussion. Just as you got the " I seem to hear things people aren't really saying." part. (Which is, btw, very normal - we all do it to greater of lesser extend.)
If not, I think you have no other possibility then repeat over and over. "I don't know what you feel, please tell me." and the optional "I think in your situation I would feel ____. Is that what you feel?"
Or maybe you can make it an excercise? "How do you think I would feel about?" Let him guess you feelings too, try to think of his, and you get to know each other better? (I'd choose things unrelated to poly for now though ) Just an idea. I think if he sees enough examples, he will eventually realize that your reactions are sometimes similar but sometimes totally different.

he's creating a barrier in order to internally process things, although I'm very disappointed with the poor job he seems to be doing with that...

He's got a very hard job here, you've turned all he knew about the relationship upside down and his idea of a future is falling appart. I am sure you read some of the posts from troubled mono people on this forum.
Also, he has few emotional processing tools to use - he would benefit from therapy there.

 

[Vulpis]

This can probably be moved to the Blogs section since I'm now primarily providing updates rather than encouraging broader discussion; I'm extremely thankful for comments. It is incredibly helpful to get perspective.


Some positive changes have happened in my relationship with Partner. We both realized that we've been arguing a lot for a very long time and are not the best at handling the aftermath. The root of the issue is poor communication and vastly different coping mechanisms (He shuts himself in a room, I need to move around and leave the area, which upsets him further).

I bought books on communication (Dance of Connection (H. Lerner) and Nonviolent Communication (M. Rosenburg)) which are helping me see my own faults a lot and work on them. Partner is more open to working on those issues and has been better at listening to my suggestions. He still asks that we avoid all scenarios that happen to lead to conflict after an argument, which I don't want to do because it cuts off opportunities for growth.

Example: We used to get into arguments while playing video games together, so for almost a year he refused to play video games with me.​

Every other weekend or so I go to small parties or get-togethers with Party Guy's friend circle. I've been a lot more careful with alcohol, with a few slip ups. Biggest issue is getting home "before curfew" that Partner sets. He likes to set it for around midnight, but I get home late pretty much every time, even when sober. I understand that I need to rebuild trust with Partner, but the curfews make me feel like I'm on a leash and can't be trusted when I reach the end of it. Coming home that early on a weekend night leaves me amped up, bored, and sometimes resentful.

I never promise I will be home at a certain time, I just aim for that time and then check in a lot via text or calls if the curfew is past. I should probably just suck it up and cut off my nights earlier.

I always invite him to come with me, but he always declines. I want him to meet Party Guy so he can stop feeling so threatened. He's a normal guy.

Partner is moving forward with a lot of things that assume we are going to be together for many years to come. We are looking for a condo together even though we are mostly splitting finances (a lot of reasons for that, mostly school). At the same time, he throws in a bad joke about twice a week that says "Don't fuck anyone." in one way or another. I often find myself making sure the way we approach things like buying a condo, or me going to school, will still be financially comfortable for him or me in the event of us splitting up. Then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm still assuming the worst for the relationship even though I want things to work out.

A few days ago we were talking about me going to school, and I tried to start a conversation about how we will handle LDR. I said "It will be hard to be away from you and be long distance." To which he said, "We'll be fine; just don't fuck anyone."

The last time I mentioned opening up being important to me, he was extremely upset that I was continuing to make it an issue. So I haven't mentioned anything for at least a month. Meanwhile he knows I am reading books about polyamory, knows I am around people (not just Party Guy) I am attracted to on weekends, and the other day, he asked me if I was "happy with him". I said yes and did not mention opening up still being important, even though it is, because I don't think he's ready to talk about it again.

NRE with Party Guy came back; it seems to come and go. I've been trying to manage it by deleting texts when I feel like re-reading them. They're not even particularly flirtatious. I also had a serious conversation with him the other night about my boundaries. He seems comfortable with mutual flirtation without any follow up actions. It's almost like I'm getting addicted to the sexual tension; I'm a little worried about the NRE escalating again the way it did after the original makeout.

 

[CTF]

In reference to the "curfew", a point that I'd like to make is that, some people (myself included) are the type to worry & wait up. It doesn't exclusively mean that he might think you're up to no good (although, it may very well be the case), but he may also be genuinely worried about your safety. Back when my wife used to have her girls nights out, I was always awake until she got home. At the time, I never thought that she was out screwing around, but in case of an emergency, I was no help if I were sleeping.

Another thing to consider, is the age gap between you. Coming home at midnight in your 20s might seem like a pain, but wait a decade or two... You'll probably be begging to go home at 11, if not sooner. Waiting up until 2 or 3 am is no picnic.

As for the rest... I urge you to keep his feelings in mind too. I'm not saying that you aren't, but bringing it up, even once a month is probably too much for him. Ideally, I'm sure that he is hoping that you'll never have an open relationship. And from the sounds of it, he may not ever want to meet Party Guy. Which might be for the best. Sometimes, knowing they're just "normal guy(s)", is worse for the psyche than if he were some sort of superman.

When I had my first conversation with JB, I felt worse discovering that he was just your average Joe (except he still lives in his mother's basement at 32). Aside from the video games, he didn't even seem like my wife's type.

 

[Tinwen]

Every other weekend or so I go to small parties or get-togethers with Party Guy's friend circle. I've been a lot more careful with alcohol, with a few slip ups. Biggest issue is getting home "before curfew" that Partner sets. He likes to set it for around midnight, but I get home late pretty much every time, even when sober. I understand that I need to rebuild trust with Partner, but the curfews make me feel like I'm on a leash and can't be trusted when I reach the end of it. Coming home that early on a weekend night leaves me amped up, bored, and sometimes resentful.

I never promise I will be home at a certain time, I just aim for that time and then check in a lot via text or calls if the curfew is past. I should probably just suck it up and cut off my nights earlier.

This seems a little... clumsy. I think it's good that you are careful with alcohol, but the ?agreement? doesn't seem to work. Like this, you don't keep it, so he probably gets uncomfortable, and you are getting worried and resentful at the same time.
Why does he get to set a "curfew"? Does he own your time? Is that what he asked you to do to rebuild trust? If so, you don't seem able and willing to do it this way.
I get you don't "promise" but you still feel guilty for not keeping your non-promise. Maybe you could set a time limit for yourself, which you can keep? So there is some certainty on his part when he can expect you to come home (if that helps him any), but you don't feel on a leash. Is it 3 am instead of midnight? Tell him upfront. He may be discontent that you don't obey his way of handling things (you will have to stand through that conflict), but he will still see that he can trust your word.
Is he asking you to come home at midnight because he wants to meet you before he goes to sleep? Basically the same thing. You can agree that going to bed together is nice, or do him a favour, and come home. Or you could say something along the line "I understand, but while going to bed together is nice, I do not want to miss out on time with my friends because of it. I don't intend to come early, please don't wait. Let's have nice time together ____(another time)."

he asked me if I was "happy with him". I said yes

The key question stays... are you?

 

[sdguitarguy]

I'll caveat this and say that this was a real sore point between me and a partner in the past. It feels a bit like a rant so I'll apologize up front.

From my own experience, I like having my partner in bed with me at night. It's something that I enjoy and look forward to. I looked forward to my partner coming home and hearing about their evening.

And while you may feel that you haven't committed, it kind of sounds like you set an expectation and then wiggle out from it when the time comes around. From the other side, getting a text at 1AM (the original agreed on time) saying that you're going to be staying out until you don't know when can feel pretty dismaying.

For me, it was more about what was agreed plus the disappointment of not getting to see the person. If you agreed to be home by 1AM, then that's what you agreed and I planned around. If you want to stay out all night or you don't want any limitation, then that's what you should negotiate. But to give the semblance of agreeing and then renegotiating at the last second feels kind of passive aggressive.

Also I really dislike the term "curfew". It implies something imposed by a parental unit that you resent even though you agreed to it (but apparently really didn't actually agree to) but rather accepted it as a necessary evil to get what you wanted.

And, finally, if you don't have separate bedrooms, frankly, it's a pain to be woken up at 3AM by someone sober or drunk (worse if they're drunk).

We finally instituted a rule, no one has to come home at a specific time but if you come home after 1:30AM, you sleep in the guest room or on the couch.

 

[Vulpis]

Curfew was a word he used, but you're all right. It's got parental connotations. There has always been a bit of push and pull regarding Partner's natural tendency to try to "guide" me with greater wisdom. I'll stop using it.

When Partner and I have talked about setting a time for me to come home, I've asked him why he wants me to be home at a particular time. First, he said that it was to prevent my sleep schedule from becoming erratic. IMO that's my responsibility, not his. Then he said that he needs sleep too. When I asked why he was waiting up for me at all (the time we'd set was still after his bed time), he kind of evaded the question but I assume it's because he's a worrier.

I guess I have a bit of trouble getting into his shoes on this one because he also rarely comes home when he says he will, and it actually doesn't bother me. It used to, when I would cook dinner and then have to eat it alone, but now I just turn it into a date night with myself. To be fair, it's very rare he gets home later than midnight, but I think that's because he has less stamina than I do and drinks more.

And from the sounds of it, he may not ever want to meet Party Guy. Which might be for the best.

That's fair, I'm not looking to force it on anyone.

Maybe you could set a time limit for yourself, which you can keep?

That's definitely a better idea. I'll chat with him next time before I go out.

If you want to stay out all night or you don't want any limitation, then that's what you should negotiate. But to give the semblance of agreeing and then renegotiating at the last second feels kind of passive aggressive.

That's also fair. I think part of me is wanting to rebel against the weird "wise guardian" default role he took on. It's not a conscious decision when I stay out later, but I don't always think about the effect it will have on him. There are healthier ways to shed my tendency to follow rather than lead, and one of those is negotiating what I want instead of making a bunch of sacrifices to make him happy.

The key question stays... are you?

Yes, for now. I value our day to day life. I like being there when he needs comfort. I don't always appreciate all of the little things we have. However, I won't shelve my sexuality forever to preserve the relationship. It is a wholly uneven sacrifice I would be making for the long term, and I'm not willing to do it forever. I need to be able to know myself and make those connections with other people.

I guess part of me is hoping that by having my own friends, particularly men, it will help him see that me being around and wanting other men is not so terrible and doesn't mean I love him any less. That might be misplaced hope though.

 

[GalaGirl]

You sound like you are doing all you can do, really. It's good that you are working on your communication.

There has always been a bit of push and pull regarding Partner's natural tendency to try to "guide" me with greater wisdom.

When Partner and I have talked about setting a time for me to come home, I've asked him why he wants me to be home at a particular time. First, he said that it was to prevent my sleep schedule from becoming erratic. IMO that's my responsibility, not his.

"Guidance" thrust upon you isn't guidance. It's stepping on your toes and trying to do your responsibilities FOR you. Helicoptering.

I am glad you are able to see that.

If you don't want to be home at midnight? Don't agree. Just say "No, thank you. I will be home before X. (And you pick it.) If there's an emergency you can call me. I don't expect you to stay awake waiting for me. It's ok for you to turn in for the night."

If he chooses to go to sleep or stay up fretting -- that's all his choices. He can deal with them.

That's the only place where I can think you could do different. You tell him when YOU choose to be home, and let him deal with his own feelings about it. Because he really is over stepping there.

I guess part of me is hoping that by having my own friends, particularly men, it will help him see that me being around and wanting other men is not so terrible and doesn't mean I love him any less. That might be misplaced hope though.

Glad you see it might be misplaced hope. I am sorry if it turns out that way... but I am glad you aren't turning a blind eye to that possibility.

His wonky thinking is for him to fix and resolve. Not your responsibility. If he thinks you socializing with other people sometimes (which is HEALTHY and totally normal) is "proof" that you don't love him? Then that is his belief. Nothing you do can change HIS belief. He is the one who changes his beliefs.

That doesn't mean you STOP having a life of your own though -- get out there and have it.

However, I won't shelve my sexuality forever to preserve the relationship. It is a wholly uneven sacrifice I would be making for the long term, and I'm not willing to do it forever. I need to be able to know myself and make those connections with other people.

I'm glad you are able to see that shelving your sex life forever for his comfort is not the answer. I am also glad that you seem able see that shelving your ability to socialize with other people for his comfort is not the answer either. Shrinking yourself so you are unhappy so that he's finally happy is not the answer.

You cannot carry the whole load for this relationship forever. I guess you could make some temporary concessions for now and enjoy what you can until you move in September. If he hasn't taken any steps to work on his wonky sounding core beliefs between here and then? Let it be done when you move. I think that's fair.

Because if September rolls around and his beliefs are unchanged? He still wants a partner who WILL shrink themselves to suit him? He still wants a partner who WILL let him boss them around or do their responsibilities for them? That's not healthy sounding.

That partner doesn't have to be you.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

I guess part of me is hoping that by having my own friends, particularly men, it will help him see that me being around and wanting other men is not so terrible and doesn't mean I love him any less. That might be misplaced hope though.

I think it's good to make more close friendships. If nothing else, he will get used to you socializing (even with men), and being more independent, which seems to be needed.
I don't think he will go all the way to help him accept poly though, or even make the connection of "she can have interests in other without lossing interest in me".

he throws in a bad joke about twice a week that says "Don't fuck anyone." in one way or another

Hard to judge from the internet, but to me it sounds like he is staying stuck. In analogy to the "curfew", does this feel like he tries to hold his own hurt in check by controlling you?

 

[Magdlyn]

It really sounds difficult, you trying to negotiate polyamory with this guy. He seems like the wrong person to do it with. Poly really requires self awareness about one's emotions, and comfort in dealing with them.

Your partner seems both unable and unwilling to work on identifying his emotions, much less dealing with them. Never mind empathising with your emotions and needs and desires as a 23 year old.

He wants a wife person. He wants to buy a condo and settle down. He wants 100% assurance that you will be fidelitous and behave as a mono wife "should."

He got you when you were a green 19 year old and he was 29. Huge gulf in maturity there. He seemed to think he could play a fatherly role and "train you up in the way you should go." You seemed to be OK with this as well, until your sudden epiphany from the makeout session at the party.

And you're still seeing Party Guy very often.

Let yourself imagine what it would be like to be untethered from this pseudo father figure who sets curfews for you. Does it feel like a relief?

I get annoyed by his refusal to talk about compromises including polyamory, and then throwing out passive aggressive barbs often like, "When you go to school, just don't fuck anybody else." My ex husband was like this. He knew I was poly at heart. He was always trying to control my sexuality. It's part of the patriarchy, men controlling the sexuality of "their" women. They are so affronted at the idea they don't own you, that they can't wrap their brains around any other kind of scenario, where you have more freedom and rights as an individual.

Your partner doesn't own you. Slavery is illegal in this country. He can try and guilt trip you all he wants. You pull at the traces, agreeing to be home by midnight, and then breaking the agreement late, by phone, and staying out til the wee hours as you desire to do. This is very bad communication on both your parts. Disrespectful too.

I'd say you're better off putting this relationship down to lessons learned, and moving on to enjoy your freedom as a young 23 year old woman. You've got a long life ahead. Do you want to spend it tethered to a passive aggressive controlling father figure? Think about it.

It's not just about your "sexuality." It's about living life to the full, as a person in your own right. Do the guy a favor and let him go. I believe he would be better off with a different type of woman, more of a homebody, who wants to settle down in that condo, and start giving him babies perhaps.

I know it's only been 2 months since you dropped the poly bomb on him, and you want to give him a chance to adjust and learn to compromise. You don't need to walk out this instant. But give yourself a timeline, a deadline, with goals set and worked towards.

Shelve the condo idea. That just entangles you more.

Allow yourself to fantasise about being free of him. Allow that to be a reality in your head. You've got the September deadline. Don't make any promises you really don't want to keep. It's not kind. And it's not loving behavior, either to him or yourself.

 

[Ravenscroft]

The advice continues to be excellent, & largely in accord. (Though I've got to point out that the passive aggression goes both ways, such as making agreements -- however one-sided -- then "accidentally" breaking them.)

But going back & reading from the first post, I remain of the opinion that there's likely no polyamory here.

Beginning from the thread's very title, there are regular hints of "jumping to the next One True Love" rather than "opening my life to more than one." I know a woman who only claims to be polyamorous when she's getting ready to dump a boyfriend & move along -- hence my reference to the Wing-Walker's Rule.

This situation doesn't look so dissimilar.

And I'm not entirely comfortable seeing polyamory as "a compromise" especially to bolster a deeply flawed relationship &/or a person's self-image of being "fair" or "reasonable" or "compassionate."

Which of the characters in this set-piece has actually learned something, or grown? The OP is two months into milking the NRE thing, the object of her affections is getting results from love bombing her, & -- now that college looms large -- the Old Dude still wants to shorten a leash that was already far too short.

Adding more people IS NOT a "fix" for a failing relationship.