Nervous

Derbylicious said:
I've been known to shake up pop, and put it back in the fridge as a booby trap, when I'm especially angry about something. o_O Otherwise, my outbursts tend to be a bunch of crying. Then I leave to go for a walk. In a fight or flight situation, I usually prefer flight. Getting away from the situation lets me clear my head, and then I can talk about things in a much calmer manner (most of the time). :rolleyes:
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Awwww, Derby. Hugs to ya, girl! This is how my hubs copes with tense situations. I tend to fight. He tends to flee. Not sure which is best. Everyone needs to process in their own way. In any case, as long as the issue is dealt with eventually, then all is good. ;)
 
Derby, you come off as a sweet, thoughtful, empathetic, and complex person. You are appreciated by many people on this forum. I see positive feedback to your comments everywhere you post. The things about you that seem to make some situations hard are also your greatest strengths. The more you find time to focus on yourself, the easier it will become to deal with your stressors.

I'm very glad to see that you feel safe enough to process some of your confusion and frustration here. I agree that figuring out how to take care of yourself will be difficult, but as you seem determined to do so, I am sure that you will discover ways to give yourself what you need.

Do you find talking about your stress helps? If you're running away from difficult times, and dealing with them later logically, are you processing those emotions, or are you just stuffing them away? Do you have people who can give you a fresh perspective on events? Sometimes we live with our own interpretations for so long we forget there can be other ways to look at things.

It sounds like you're making brave steps in the right direction.
 
Yes, I talk about things. Or more to the point, I type about them. I have a hard time talking about stress because I cry easily. I tend to talk to the person, then type to the person, and then post about it. Generally after all of that, the issues have been worked through.

I'm working on self care this week. I just got back to my hotel after having beer and laughs with Ariakas. I'm planning on a bubble bath before bed. I was thinking of working out, but decided that after travelling for 4 hours, I wasn't feeling it. Maybe tomorrow lunch time. I love hotels and just having everything right here at my disposal!

I'm going to squash the guilt that generally comes when I do nice things for myself. I deserve to treat myself as well as I treat everyone else! Gotta say, so far, no guilt. Just happy!
 
Over the course of the night, I realized that I have absolutely no desire to know when my husband is planning on having sex with his girlfriend, or knowing when it happens after the fact. I know they have sex, I know they use protection, and as long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life, I really don't need to know when it's going to happen. It just leads to me not getting a very good sleep. I don't know why yet. I'm not jealous about it or upset about it. But the knowledge sets off my adrenaline response, for some reason. I don't like the adrenaline response. Therefore, I don't want to know.
 
Great point, Derby.

My husband and I were discussing this last week. It can be tricky when you view your spouse as your best friend, as well. The best friend side wants to gush and share all the exciting things that can happen. Meanwhile, the spouse side is recoiling, or not quite sure what to do with that information. For the first time ever, we both realized there are things we don`t want to know. We don`t need the details.

"Did you have a great night?"
"Yes."
"Good."
"I liked the restaurant, and we went somewhere more private from there."
"Fantastic. Glad you had fun."

Past that, I don`t feel a need for details. I don't feel any jealousy either. But I do find that I feel like I am looking into something that really isn`t any of my business. The best friend/spouse scenario is what we realized was going on with us. Since we examined that, we both feel more at ease.
 
Wow! That makes so much sense for my situation. My hubs is my best friend. It makes me realize, I have shared to much with him. No wonder he expressing some issues. Thanks, for the epihany!
 
Thanks, Superjast. I think you may have hit the nail on the head with that one.

On a big plus note, there were no tears over this issue at all. I just identified it as something I didn't need to know and will move on. I think I may have come a long way! :D
 
Derbylicious said:
There were no tears over this issue at all. I just identified it as something I didn't need to know, and will move on. I think I may have come a long way! :D
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Good for you!

One of things Karma and I set up was to let me ask the questions. If I want to know more, if I'm in the best friend mindset, and want to share in all his glory, then I'll ask for more details. If I'm in wife mode, and aside from whether they had a good time, don't want to know anything, I don't ask anything else.
 
Derbylicious, I agree with you. I don't want to know, either. At the beginning I did. But after many tears and flip outs, I realized that the less I knew the better. I think that it's awesome that you were able to recognize this before you had a reaction. I wish I were so self-aware.

Superjast, I think that's where a lot of my jealousy has come into play. Not only is my husband going on dates with MG, but so is my best friend of 20 years. If I'm upset about it, I really have no one to talk to who would understand. And when I have issues with his gf, I can't talk to my best friend about it, because it hurts him too much. It's hard to have to remember that I can't talk to him about everything anymore and that I have to try to filter what I say.

Mohegan, I do that occasionally, but then once the best friend side knows, the wife side takes over and lets her thoughts fixate on the details. I haven't learned how to control the switch between the two yet. Hopefully with time that will develop.
 
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Oh, there have been plenty of tears with other things. I'm just finding things much easier to deal with now. The unknown factor is gone. Now that things are a little more settled, and I'm not being left for someone else, and his gf is a pretty decent person, there doesn't seem to be a need for tears. Plus, I wasn't really upset by it. It made me more uncomfortable than anything. What they do is private between them. It doesn't involve me, and therefore, I don't need to know. All I want to know is that my husband is being treated well and is happy.
 
This is totally unrelated, but...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :D

I hope you are having a wonderful and fun-filled day. I wish I could share it with you, but I know you've got your whole family with you, and that makes me happy. :)

Lots of love for you.
 
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Derbylicious, happeeee birthdaaay to you. :D
 
Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone!

I would have loved to have had you here too, RP. Maybe next year! :D
 
I was reacting to stuff last night, and was feeling lonely, even though I wasn't alone.

What I realized this morning was that part of me is still holding out the hope for a unicorn-type relationship, someone to come into our lives and be a part of the everyday family side of things.

I need to let go of that. I know that it's not realistic, and quite honestly, I love my life the way it is, and I don't live well with other people. I don't need it to be anything other than it is.

I need to stop comparing the time that my husband is able to spend with his girlfriend and the time that RP and I spend together. It's the quality of that time and not the quantity that is important. It's good that I know this in my head and now I just have to sit with it and process it.

This is the quality time thing that's my love language, I think. Things would be so much easier if we just all spoke the same language!
 
Derbylicious said:
I was reacting to stuff last night and was feeling lonely even though I wasn't alone but what I realized this morning was that part of me is still holding out the hope for a unicorn type relationship. Someone to come into our lives and be a part of the every day family side of things. I need to let go of that. I know that it's not realistic and quite honestly I love my life the way it is and I don't live well with other people. I don't need it to be anything other than it is. I need to stop comparing the time that my husband is able to spend with his girlfriend and the time that RP and I spend together. It's the quality of that time and not the quantity that is important. It's good that I know this in my head and now I just have to sit with it and process it. This is the quality time thing that's my love language, I think. Things would be so much easier if we just all spoke the same language!
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Boo hoo. :( what's going on, sweets? I have been giving you space for hubby time as I usually do when he gets home. Has he not been around? Why lonely?

I'm sorry I can't be your unicorn. I know that is what your hubby wants too. Maybe his girlfriend can be? Or someone else? Really though, it would have to be someone who is with you more, as he is away most of the time.

This makes me sad. I'd give you more if I could, but I have so little to give. Maybe you need another girlfriend... or boyfriend, someone who wants and can be a part of the family, where I can't be. :(

Why is this coming up now? He is home and I would think you would be less lonely!
 
I don't want a unicorn as such. And I don't want you to be a unicorn. I was lonely because he was planning a schedule, and she's just much more flexible, due to life circumstances, than those of us who are more attached can ever hope to be.

As for space, I don't need space. I get to see my husband pretty much every day. We pretty much just pick up where we left off, for the most part. I like when he comes home that I have more freedom to come and go as I like (within reason). I don't want you to back off.

Got to go back to using my calendar so that I have the visual of doing stuff. I don't need another girlfriend or a boyfriend. I think that it might be coming up now because of you guys and your new living situation, which is really silly because I am happy for you.

This emotional basket case has to get back to work. But right now, I don't want anything other than what I have. I just want to stop comparing it. :) I'm working on it. Can you hear the wheels in my head turning?
 
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