Never done this, kinda terrified.

LostValkyrie87

New member
Hi there,

I am not sure where to start really. I suppose first I should introduce myself, being that I am in the introductions thread. You can call me Lost, Val, Valkyrie, or Rose. I am thirty three years old. I have been married to my husband for fourteen years. I have one child, who is fifteen. About five years ago I was faced with some very strange and new realizations about myself. I grew up believing in committed two person relationships, then for the first time since I met my husband I felt love for another. At first I shamed myself, hated myself really in many ways I still do. After I realized that even though I had deep feelings for another my feelings for my husband remained. I always felt this emptiness inside like I wasn't completely myself, until I met the other man. Over the course of the last five years many things did not go the way I thought they would, which is likely why I am seeking help. I have never been happier than when I had them both, and now I do not. Though my loving husband and I are still together I am struggling. I have so many fears and doubts that I will ever achieve what I wanted from the last five years of my life. I completely understand relationships where there are multiple partners, however I am strong enough to admit that I could only handle a MFM relationship. I am not vague about these needs in any way, but I was still hurt anyway. I suppose my reason for joining this forum is to make sense of what I feel, and what happened to me. Also to I suppose get the big answers, like should I try again? I really think that hearing from other women and men who are part of a MFM triad that coexist in the same home would help. I don't really know what I expect to get out of this, but this long winded explanation is the best "hello" I can give at the moment. Forgive me I tend to ramble.

So Hello there all, its nice to meet you.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Welcome.

At first I shamed myself, hated myself really in many ways I still do.

Why do you talk down to yourself? What behavior did you do that you hate? What are the many ways?

Over the course of the last five years many things did not go the way I thought they would, which is likely why I am seeking help. I have never been happier than when I had them both, and now I do not.

I'm sorry to hear about the break up. Those are never fun even if necessary.

I have so many fears and doubts that I will ever achieve what I wanted from the last five years of my life.

What did you want?

I completely understand relationships where there are multiple partners, however I am strong enough to admit that I could only handle a MFM relationship.

You just admitted here. How about telling that to your husband? "At this time, I think I can only handle an MFM relationship."

Where you are the hinge and you have two partners. But the two partners are "end points" and don't have other partners themselves.

I am not vague about these needs in any way, but I was still hurt anyway. I suppose my reason for joining this forum is to make sense of what I feel, and what happened to me.

Who hurt you? What happened?


Also to I suppose get the big answers, like should I try again?

The only one who can answer that is you. I could be wrong in my impression, but starting again right now might not be the thing. Right now healing from the break up, figuring yourself out, and making peace so you don't hate yourself is the thing. Then you can move on to poly dating from a healthier space. Not jump into poly dating from a wonky space.

I really think that hearing from other women and men who are part of a MFM triad that coexist in the same home would help.

Some do, some prefer separate homes.

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings Valkyrie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

In case it helps, I am one of the three people in an MFM poly-fi V. If there's any way I could be helpful, I would be happy to do so, just let me know whatever questions you may have. It sounds like you love your husband, and you broke up with the other man. I am sorry to hear that. It sounds like you have realized that an MFM V is the only thing you could live with. Have you talked about this with your husband? What did he have to say? I coexist in the same home as my two MFM partners. So I may be able to help. Just let me know what questions you may have.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

LostValkyrie87

New member
Welcome.



Why do you talk down to yourself? What behavior did you do that you hate? What are the many ways?

I talk down to myself regularly, I struggle with a large amount of insecurities and anxieties. I suppose what I was referring to mainly was how I reacted when I realized what I felt. In the beginning a large amount of my my hate came from feeling like I had failed my mono relationship with my husband. I felt like I was wrong. My husband did not understand until recently, due to some trauma that could have been avoided. When all of these feelings came about I tried my hardest to be mono for my husband. To keep my feelings from advancing to an intimate level, but as hard as I tired I could not. We all coexisted in the same home, but I kept my intimate relationship with my other partner from my husband. It was wrong, and I know that. I struggled for years to convince my husband and my partner that we could succeed as a triad. No matter what I did or how I explained nothing changed. So after a while I stopped bringing it up and continued both relationships. After I decided to come clean to my husband he was upset but understood I was not doing anything to intentionally hurt him. Then after a brief period he openly talked to me about it and seems so far accepting and willing to continue forward. The other partner well, he chose a different option. Though I have been wronged in so many ways by this other partner and he has started a relationship with someone else I still see him. My husband is aware and supportive if it makes me happy, but my other partners significant other is not aware we are still seeing each other. I love both my husband and my other partner dearly, I can't imagine my life without either of them. So there are many reasons why I hate myself fear, inadequacy, loathing, resentment, jealousy, insecurites.. you name it I'm probably currently dealing with or feeling it.

I'm sorry to hear about the break up. Those are never fun even if necessary.

Its not exactly completely over. One of my issues. The other partner cheated, lied, and gaslighted me. Made me feel guilty for having my husband, feeling like he had to hide. When all I ever wanted was for the two of them to talk, for us to all talk. In this process I lost two children in the span of one year, the second time almost died myself. Not to mention many times where I almost lost myself so much I believed people would be better off if I no longer existed. I still see this partner, every month or so. We are together and fine for between two to four hours, he tells me how he wants to see me again soon and then leaves. Even more frustrating his partner is being unfaithful to him as well, and I've even provided him with proof but he stays with her and I get scraps.


What did you want?
I want to be with the two men I love until I die, I don't want anyone besides me and these two men. As you said like a hinge, where I have my partners and they are only with me. I want to live and love with these partners, build a life. I want to have more children, buy a house, and set up my own little slice of heaven in the woods. I have never felt happier and more at one with myself than when I had two partners. They complimented each unique side of my heart, and I honestly just wanted to make them happy.


You just admitted here. How about telling that to your husband? "At this time, I think I can only handle an MFM relationship."

Where you are the hinge and you have two partners. But the two partners are "end points" and don't have other partners themselves.

I have talked to my husband, and he understands and agrees that I do better in a MFM relationship.


Who hurt you? What happened?

My other partner. He over the period of four years that we were together cheated on me online he dated in highschool. Nothing physical, but emotional and sexual in nature. I didn't know about this until last year when I caught him cheating with someone new. I made a friend online about eight months before all of this came to light. We talked online and on video for 8-12 hours a day, she was someone I considered a very close friend almost family. After several months of talking for the first time in my life I decided to invite her into my home and my family with a visit to my house. She stayed for a week, during that week my other partner and I had to hide our real relationship because he was scared she would tell my husband about us. She went back home. Two weeks after she got home she broke up with her fiance who she was with for five years and about to marry in four months. They went to therapy twice, then she moved out ending the relationship. About two months later unknown to myself she started a new relationship with my other partner behind my back. They both lied to me from June to September, and when I caught them my other partner said "So you can love more than one person, but I can't". Among many other things. I unsuccessfully attempted to solve the problem by taking myself out of the equation. This man then for months convinced me that he was giving our relationship a chance, that he would break up with this other girl. Then on December 19th of last year he just didn't come home from work, turned his phone off and left his vehicle at work. I didn't hear from him until late the next day, though I stayed up the entire night looking for him worried he had been robbed or shot. He stayed out because that night she had driven from california to our state, to move in with him. He had gotten a house made a plan, and left like a thief in the night. Then asked me when he could come get his things. Two days before this he and I were in a hotel enjoying each others company laughing joking and telling our I love yous. It has me quite messed up. There is so much more, but too much for me to type out right now.


The only one who can answer that is you. I could be wrong in my impression, but starting again right now might not be the thing. Right now healing from the break up, figuring yourself out, and making peace so you don't hate yourself is the thing. Then you can move on to poly dating from a healthier space. Not jump into poly dating from a wonky space.

I understand that, and I don't think I'm trying to date. I am very much still in love with my husband and this other partner and ashamed to admit still want the ungrateful partner to come home. I've tried to hate him for what he's done, but I love him.


Some do, some prefer separate homes.

Ideally I would prefer to be in the same home, and even sleep in the same bed.

Galagirl
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I can't quote you in this reply since you formatted your entire previous post as if it were a quote from GalaGirl.

Anyway, it sounds like you cohabited with your husband, Ben, and your lover, Jerry. You were having an intimate sexual relationship with Jerry the whole time for a number of years. Your husband knew you loved Jerry. You tried to get both men to agree to a V, with you as the hinge, MFM. You cheated on Ben because he didn't consent to this arrangement. Despite knowing you loved Jerry, you were able to hide the fact that you were having sex with him, from Ben.

Finally you "came clean" to Ben. When you did, Jerry moved out? Now he is with another woman, and cheating on her with you! It seems he prefers to cheat on someone rather than just be in open relationships.

Now Ben knows you are still having sex with Jerry, your lover. But you only see Jerry once a month, and he is living with someone you considered a new dear friend. He started seeing her behind your back.

I wonder how you can love a man who seems to enjoy cheating and lying so much. Sure, it can feel good to be a hinge in a V, but it sucks to cheat and to be cheated on. Maybe you could give up on Jerry and find a lover who is cool with polyamory, now that Ben seems to accept that part of you. You deserve better than trying to love someone who gaslights you and cheats on you.

And you can stop cheating on Ben and rebuild your self-esteem.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel better for airing that out.

I will go with nicknames Mag put. You can change to whatever you like. It's just hard to write without some kind of name.

So there was you, husband Ben, and lover Jerry living in the same house. You developed feelings for Jerry and started seeing him behind Ben's back. You tried to convince both to move toward open relationship but no dice. In the end it was discovered. Ben was upset at first but came around to it. Jerry took off and started dating someone else, but still keeps you on the string.

Ben sounds like more a steady partner.

Jerry was a poor partner. He lied, cheated, and gaslighted you. He is also now seeing a new person who doesn't know you exist. So he's cheating on her with you now. You are now his cheating accomplice. Instead of him being your cheating accomplice when you were seeing Jerry behind Ben's back.

On top of that... his other partner is also cheating on him. (What kind of people are you hanging around with?)

You are not proud of these behaviors. You talk down to yourself.

PROBLEM

You love both Ben and Jerry, and cannot imagine life without them.

Even though the life you have WITH them right now leaves you feeling super UGH.

You are also coping with grief for lost children and your own near death. You may also struggle with depression/suicide. (Have you seen a doctor for these things? )

SUGGESTION

I get not being able to imagine life without Ben and Jerry. At the same time? You can choose to find out what life is like without this mess. There's other people in the word to poly date besides Jerry. Healthier people, kinder people, more decent people.

He's got a track record of treating you poorly. And you aren't actually happy in a relationship with him right now anyway.

When all you have is stinky choices? You could pick the one that stinks less then.

To me? Sticking with Jerry for more trips around the merry-go-round? You know how this ride ends up already. You could stop buying a ticket and let it go. That's stinks less than spinning round and round.

And yes. There will be a time of grief. But it opens the door to healing and moving past this and hopefully finding a more compatible partner for MFM who IS into the things you want. Kids, the house in the woods, etc. Get to a place here you can hold your chin up again. Chalk it up to a learning experience and actually learn from it.

Jerry? Is not into those things you want. He's into living as he does – with cheating, lies, gaslighting, etc. None of that is healthy for you. I think deep down you know that. You see how he does same to his current partner - cheat on her. Well, he can find someone else to cheat on her with. It doesn't have to be YOU.

When you keep choosing less than self respecting behavior like still hanging around with him and his messy sounding life? That's not behavior you can feel proud of. It's not something you can hold in high esteem. So of course your self esteem takes a ding.

You don't have to down talk to yourself about loving two people. Noticing beauty in the world and appreciating is fine.

Cheating on husband? That wasn't cool. It sounds like he's willing to make repair and move toward open marriage. You are lucky in that regard. Some spouses are not.

Choosing to keep you involved in new Jerry shenanigans? I think you could stop that behavior. Make a clean break with Jerry. Because you think you deserver a better behaving poly boyfriend who DOES NOT lie to you, cheat on your, gaslight you, strings you along, etc.

Right?

I get that he was a game changer for you and made you realize you COULD love two people. But that doesn't mean Jerry is healthy to be around or the one you have to stick with forever.

I suggest you end it with Jerry, spend some time healing, and when you and Ben are solid again, try healthy poly dating CLEAN from the beginning.
Rather than falling into a cheating thing and trying to turn it into poly to make it square.

It isn't like poly is automatically cheater proof. Some people cheat on their poly agreements too. What makes the person keep their word is their strength of character. I don't think Jerry sounds like a person of good character.

I can imagine thinking about ending things is hard for you. But I think in the longer run it's more self respecting behavior than sticking with messy Jerry.

You have value and dignity. You don't have to keep choosing poor behavior. You can choose different. And really when all the things are hard? You are gonna have to pick your hard.

Seems better for your spirit and self esteem to work hard at healing your marriage and going for the MFM little poly family in the house in the woods than work hard to hang on the cheating Jerry merry-go-round.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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LostValkyrie87

New member
I do intend to respond to each of you, I found myself more emotional than I thought I would be upon reading the responses. I'm having a hard time calming myself down, but when I do I will respond. My apologies, I didn't think opening up to others would make me upset this way.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
It's ok to be upset. You are carrying a lot of stuff. *hug*

FWIW, I'm not judging you. Just saying... if past choices left you feeling UGH and Jerry has been hurting you with lies, cheating, and gaslighting? It's ok to pick NEW choices that walk away from him so he cannot ding you again. Choices that hopefully lead to you feeling better over time.

Before you can do that, you might have to let yourself grieve that the affair with Jerry was a disappointment and NOT go back for more. If all he offers is scraps? You don't have to do over there to accept them. You can skip the whole shebang.

And you don't have to feel shame that you wish he'd come home and this all wasn't happening. It's part of the grief process. There's the stages of grief to get through.

  • Shock and denial
  • pain and guilt
  • anger and bargaining
  • depression, reflection, loneliness
  • final acceptance
You might not experience them all or in order. It might jump around.

It's ok to be a grieving person right now.

Galagirl
 
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LostValkyrie87

New member
It's ok to be upset. You are carrying a lot of stuff. *hug*

FWIW, I'm not judging you. Just saying... if past choices left you feeling UGH and Jerry has been hurting you with lies, cheating, and gaslighting? It's ok to pick NEW choices that walk away from him so he cannot ding you again. Choices that hopefully lead to you feeling better over time.

Before you can do that, you might have to let yourself grieve that the affair with Jerry was a disappointment and NOT go back for more. If all he offers is scraps? You don't have to do over there to accept them. You can skip the whole shebang.

And you don't have to feel shame that you wish he'd come home and this all wasn't happening. It's part of the grief process. There's the stages of grief to get through.

  • Shock and denial
  • pain and guilt
  • anger and bargaining
  • depression, reflection, loneliness
  • final acceptance
You might not experience them all or in order. It might jump around.

It's ok to be a grieving person right now.

Galagirl

I appreciate you being so understanding, I didn't feel judged, which was one of my main concerns. I actually got more emotional just seeing that everyone who responded could see whats happening to me with so little information. If I wrote it all down, it would be like lord of the rings thick and long. I'm still trying to gain some composure so I can adequately respond to everyone, I really didn't think it would cause me to feel more emotional than before.

Thank you.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Take as much time as you need. You are in a difficult situation.
 

MeeraReed

Member
You don't need to respond to every point individually, by the way. We post advice for the OP to think about; we don't expect a response to each thing. That would be overwhelming for the OP. You can clarify points that we got wrong, or give updates, but you don't need to stress about answering every single post.
 
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