New and confused

Rubberhead

New member
Hi everyone
My name is Peter, and this is my first post, as I’ve just been told by my wife of 5 years that she has developed feelings for her coworker, who happens to be a openly gay lady. After an open and loving discussion, I told my wife I’d be willing to try a poly “throuple” relationship, however, I have found I’m facing feelings of jealousy, and marital insecurity. I love my wife dearly, and her friend is a wonderful, intelligent, and extremely grounded person. I’m worried that the relationship they already have established ( close friendship), puts them miles ahead if we decide to proceed with a poly situation, where I’m playing catch-up, thus leaving me feeling way behind and isolated, and furthermore, the friend is gay, and never been with a man, I’m im terrified that if it was to get to the bedroom, I’d come across as a scary ogre to her.
My boundary, or aspect I feel I need to control, is when they get to have an exclusive sexual experience. The thought of my wife in bed with someone else for the first time outside of our relationship makes me feel cheated, if I’m not around to experience the first intimate moment as a throuple. I’m also encountering fears that my sexual needs will be secondary, as my wife and I have had many external stressors that have just started to leave us, and those stressors had a role in diminishing our level of intimacy. I’m curious as to whether anyone on here can offer advice, as to how these types of relationships work. In a nutshell, if I agree to explore and this moves forward, am I basically losing my wife and family, even if I respect and care for the third person? Any help is appreciated
 

TXretired

Member
Well, not new but still confused. That’s not all bad. Welcome.

personally I would never mix work and relationships. In this day of sexual harassment, one claim and you are screwed. Yes, I worked for a city. I didn’t play in the business sandbox so there was never the ability to say I was inappropriate with another’s toys.

we were swingers before we entered poly. We dealt with the sharing aspect in that environment. In your case your wife is developing the relationship, not you. Communication is most important. Talk to your wife about your concerns. Be open. Listen to her. Be honest.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

I think you could tell wife to hold on, more discussion is needed. And NOT just jump in.

For me taking up with a coworker would be too messy for me. Like I wouldn't want my spouse dating my parents, siblings, coworkers, best friend, roomie... There's enough people to date in the world without going straight for the ones that would make a relly messy situation if things go wrong.

Who would be the people on your messy list? Hers? And what about pandemic dating safety?

My boundary, or aspect I feel I need to control, is when they get to have an exclusive sexual experience. The thought of my wife in bed with someone else for the first time outside of our relationship makes me feel cheated, if I’m not around to experience the first intimate moment as a throuple.

That sounds like something to unpack. Why cheated?

If you agree to have an open/poly marriage... why do you have to be sexually involved with the people your wife dates? Or her involved with the people you date? Is it not fair enough that you both can poly date other people? It's only fair enough if you "share" the same person, like this person is a piece of cake you both get some of? When and where does their voice get heard? Or do they just have to go with whatever the couple says?

The potential GF is not into dudes. That right there makes a throuple relationship where all three are romantically and sexually involved with each other impossible and unrealistic. So why would you make that a condition? So this thing cannot happen at all? Wouldn't it be easier to say a more honest "No, I don't want to do that."

Sharing group sex is not a requirement in poly. Making it like the potential GF has to share group sex with you to gain access to dating your wife like "paying a toll" whether she's into dudes or not? That doesn't sound good either.

It's ok to just prefer monogamy and NOT sharing your lover's time and attention with other people because you value exclusiveness that way. It's ok to tell your wife you are not up for this.

I don't think it is ok to somehow be the "gatekeeper" of when she gets to share sex with her other partners. Or insert yourself into your wife's sex life with other people like a tag-a-long.

I’m also encountering fears that my sexual needs will be secondary, as my wife and I have had many external stressors that have just started to leave us, and those stressors had a role in diminishing our level of intimacy.

I'm wondering if you asked wife what her plans are to restrengthen and maintain her current relationship with you while exploring anew relationship with a potential GF? So there is some balance?

And why poly NOW? You JUST are getting a break from all the stressors... why take on optional, additional stress NOW?

Cuz some stress you cannot control. You can control if/when you open marriage.

Choosing to open a marriage to start dating in pandemic is best time to do this WHY?

Might spend the time reconnecting and educating selves about open/poly first and give the coworker a pass.

You both know having a crush on a coworker can be left alone right? Like enjoy the crush but NOT pursue?

I’m curious as to whether anyone on here can offer advice, as to how these types of relationships work.

Could do some reading while considering. Because I think at this time you can say "Thank you for being honest. I am willing to read and learn more about this and consider. I'm not promising yes, but I can promise to educate myself more and consider.

You might end up deciding this is not for you, but you DID consider.

Or you might say "yes" to trying open/poly marriage after consideration. Could start reading here:

https://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/ especially


And the book "Opening Up"

Along with


And


There are many other links and books.

In a nutshell, if I agree to explore and this moves forward, am I basically losing my wife and family, even if I respect and care for the third person? Any help is appreciated

In a nutshell? I think a lot of people come at it like "Just like before... but with three people!" Like this couple adding a third. Because that is the easiest to imagine in their naivete.

In reality? I think it feels more like you are breaking up on purpose. The old marriage will be gone even if you don't file for divorce. Because that was the old agreements and the old relationship model. The "old normal" is not here any more. You will have disbanded on purpose in favor of trying a new relationship model with new agreements. The new normal is not here yet right away either.

There's time a transition space. Figuring out if the initial agreements work as is or need refining. There's not being sure if this new model will be a long haul runner or not. Then what? Did you do all this for nothing only to ruin the marriage from before? There's watching your partner deal well with NRE or poorly with NRE. There's your own dating stuff if you too poly date other people.

You may experience grief for your old marriage, or what you thought the future would be. You may also experience joy and happiness that you changed models and excitement about what new future plans might hold.

You can't know ahead of time how it will turn out. All you know for sure when you agree to change things in your marriage? Is that it is going to be a change.

So before you say yes? You could do some reading and educate yourselves.

You could take a good hard look inside and figure out if you are WILLING to to there, and have the skills so you are ABLE to do it well enough so the bumps along the way are something you can deal with. Not just you, but wife too. You have to ask if EACH of you. Are both WILLING? Both ABLE? Do these answers align or one is yes and one no?

Because not willing and not able? That's a no.
Willing but not sure if able? That's maybe a no, or maybe a time out to develop skills first.
Able but not willing? That's a no. COULD do it, but just don't feel like it.
Willing and able? That's a yes. Might need to learn more things still but better odds for success.

My 2 cents

Galagirl
 

Rubberhead

New member
I'm sorry you struggle.

I think you could tell wife to hold on, more discussion is needed. And NOT just jump in.

For me taking up with a coworker would be too messy for me. Like I wouldn't want my spouse dating my parents, siblings, coworkers, best friend, roomie... There's enough people to date in the world without going straight for the ones that would make a relly messy situation if things go wrong.

Who would be the people on your messy list? Hers? And what about pandemic dating safety?



That sounds like something to unpack. Why cheated?

If you agree to have an open/poly marriage... why do you have to be sexually involved with the people your wife dates? Or her involved with the people you date? Is it not fair enough that you both can poly date other people? It's only fair enough if you "share" the same person, like this person is a piece of cake you both get some of? When and where does their voice get heard? Or do they just have to go with whatever the couple says?

The potential GF is not into dudes. That right there makes a throuple relationship where all three are romantically and sexually involved with each other impossible and unrealistic. So why would you make that a condition? So this thing cannot happen at all? Wouldn't it be easier to say a more honest "No, I don't want to do that."

Sharing group sex is not a requirement in poly. Making it like the potential GF has to share group sex with you to gain access to dating your wife like "paying a toll" whether she's into dudes or not? That doesn't sound good either.

It's ok to just prefer monogamy and NOT sharing your lover's time and attention with other people because you value exclusiveness that way. It's ok to tell your wife you are not up for this.

I don't think it is ok to somehow be the "gatekeeper" of when she gets to share sex with her other partners. Or insert yourself into your wife's sex life with other people like a tag-a-long.



I'm wondering if you asked wife what her plans are to restrengthen and maintain her current relationship with you while exploring anew relationship with a potential GF? So there is some balance?

And why poly NOW? You JUST are getting a break from all the stressors... why take on optional, additional stress NOW?

Cuz some stress you cannot control. You can control if/when you open marriage.

Choosing to open a marriage to start dating in pandemic is best time to do this WHY?

Might spend the time reconnecting and educating selves about open/poly first and give the coworker a pass.

You both know having a crush on a coworker can be left alone right? Like enjoy the crush but NOT pursue?



Could do some reading while considering. Because I think at this time you can say "Thank you for being honest. I am willing to read and learn more about this and consider. I'm not promising yes, but I can promise to educate myself more and consider.

You might end up deciding this is not for you, but you DID consider.

Or you might say "yes" to trying open/poly marriage after consideration. Could start reading here:

https://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/ especially


And the book "Opening Up"

Along with


And


There are many other links and books.



In a nutshell? I think a lot of people come at it like "Just like before... but with three people!" Like this couple adding a third. Because that is the easiest to imagine in their naivete.

In reality? I think it feels more like you are breaking up on purpose. The old marriage will be gone even if you don't file for divorce. Because that was the old agreements and the old relationship model. The "old normal" is not here any more. You will have disbanded on purpose in favor of trying a new relationship model with new agreements. The new normal is not here yet right away either.

There's time a transition space. Figuring out if the initial agreements work as is or need refining. There's not being sure if this new model will be a long haul runner or not. Then what? Did you do all this for nothing only to ruin the marriage from before? There's watching your partner deal well with NRE or poorly with NRE. There's your own dating stuff if you too poly date other people.

You may experience grief for your old marriage, or what you thought the future would be. You may also experience joy and happiness that you changed models and excitement about what new future plans might hold.

You can't know ahead of time how it will turn out. All you know for sure when you agree to change things in your marriage? Is that it is going to be a change.

So before you say yes? You could do some reading and educate yourselves.

You could take a good hard look inside and figure out if you are WILLING to to there, and have the skills so you are ABLE to do it well enough so the bumps along the way are something you can deal with. Not just you, but wife too. You have to ask if EACH of you. Are both WILLING? Both ABLE? Do these answers align or one is yes and one no?

Because not willing and not able? That's a no.
Willing but not sure if able? That's maybe a no, or maybe a time out to develop skills first.
Able but not willing? That's a no. COULD do it, but just don't feel like it.
Willing and able? That's a yes. Might need to learn more things still but better odds for success.

My 2 cents

Galagirl
Thank you
I’ve tried reading via what google throws at me, and found it was disastrous and misleading. My wife shared that she was bi with me when we started dating, however, my ignorance of the term made me “think” she was suggesting she’d want a threesome, and always hold the marriage dear. With our difficult situations we faced for the first few years ( we got through it, and are stronger for it), also kept me from being the most attentive husband. Which has been considered as a factor in her realizing she was developing feelings for a lady so incredibly grounded and attentive.
it’s been insisted that our family and marriage are a priority. Neither of us are into a swinging scene, and are at this time, strictly focused on what’s developed between this lady and my wife. I know I have no interest in a marriage where we both run off and find others to play with. If this was to move forward it would be an attempt at a long term relationship, exclusively between the three of us. It’s my own sense of diminished self worth I think, that is creating an anxiety of losing my wife to someone else.
 

icesong

Active member
Thank you
I’ve tried reading via what google throws at me, and found it was disastrous and misleading. My wife shared that she was bi with me when we started dating, however, my ignorance of the term made me “think” she was suggesting she’d want a threesome, and always hold the marriage dear. With our difficult situations we faced for the first few years ( we got through it, and are stronger for it), also kept me from being the most attentive husband. Which has been considered as a factor in her realizing she was developing feelings for a lady so incredibly grounded and attentive.
it’s been insisted that our family and marriage are a priority. Neither of us are into a swinging scene, and are at this time, strictly focused on what’s developed between this lady and my wife. I know I have no interest in a marriage where we both run off and find others to play with. If this was to move forward it would be an attempt at a long term relationship, exclusively between the three of us. It’s my own sense of diminished self worth I think, that is creating an anxiety of losing my wife to someone else.
There is such a thing as a closed V, often with deep friendship and emotional closeness between the two "points" who are not romantically or sexually entangled. If your wife's potential partner is gay rather than bisexual (or interested in making exceptions; there are certainly people who identify as gay but do still have relationships with people of the opposite gender) this might be the best you can hope for. And I really do mean best! I love my meta who lives with us - we aren't romantically a pair nor have we ever slept together on our own, but we definitely have a individual bond just based on time / proximity / compatibility / etc. There are others on this forum who have had that sort of V as well, some closed, some open.
 

Rubberhead

New member
Already, with just a few responses, I feel incredibly better. I know my shortcomings emotionally, and it’s nice to see people with experience engaging with me, in an effort to help me understand things better. The gay lady, has suggested that she would be open to trying intimacy with me, yet I think I’m afraid to do anything that would come across as disrespectful, or unwanted. While I want my wife to explore her sexuality with this person, I can’t help feeling that I should be involved until I’m ready and secure enough to let them go it alone. ( my wife has suggested that she wants me present, yet I’m sure there’s a part where she might not). That’s a big struggle for me... am I being possessive? Am I too insecure and/or emotionally immature to let my wife explore? My upbringing most definitely plays a part in my conservative thinking.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Peter,

You do seem to have some possessive feelings going on there, plus ideations that are drawn out of mononormative conditioning. It sounds like you need to be present at your wife's first sexual encounter with her coworker. Have you told your wife this? It sounds like you may need to be present at a number of your wife's earliest sexual encounters with her coworker. Is this the case, or am I reading too much into it?

I am actually wondering, if this gay lady is willing to be intimate with you, if it might actually be best to attempt that without your wife present. I could be wrong, of course, but in most of the cases that I've observed, having a threesome only complicates things, and in fact can end in disaster.

You mentioned having a sense of diminished self-worth. Can you tell me where it is coming from? Do you have something in your past that made you feel less worthwhile, perhaps a parent or other adult that put you down all the time?

You say it's been insisted (who insisted? and why?) that your family and marriage are a priority. Do you mean that the gay lady is disposable, if her presence seems to be threatening your marriage? What is your family, do you have kids?

I think it's important, going into this, if you do go into it, that you try your damnedest to not think of it as a competition. Competing with your metamour is an artifact of mononormative conditioning. One of you (you or the gay lady) is not going to take your wife and family away from the other, it doesn't have to be that way. Your wife's close friendship with the gay lady doesn't "set you back" in the competition. You don't have to compete. Heck, even if you did have to compete, what does the coworker have? a close friendship? You have a five-year marriage. I think the marriage trumps the friendship.

Some people find these links on jealousy helpful:
I hope you find them helpful too.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
It’s my own sense of diminished self worth I think, that is creating an anxiety of losing my wife to someone else.

IME? People who want to stay? Stay. People who want to leave, leave.

To me? It's not really about "someone coming to take my wife away." It's more about "what do I do/how do I participate here that makes my wife happy to keep on participating in marriage with me?"

Because to me Wife choosing to leave you? That could happen whether wife dates this woman or not.

The gay lady, has suggested that she would be open to trying intimacy with me, yet I think I’m afraid to do anything that would come across as disrespectful, or unwanted.

I would skip it even if she's up for it. If the potential GF wants to explore her sexuality with men -- there's other men. It doesn't have to be with YOU.

You face enough changes and hurdles at the start without piling on EVERYTHING on at the beginning, don't you? Where's the fire?

If you REALLY all want to go there? It will still be there later.

While I want my wife to explore her sexuality with this person, I can’t help feeling that I should be involved until I’m ready and secure enough to let them go it alone.

What horrible thing would happen if they explored without you that you are scared of?

What does you participating in group sex with them "solve" or "fix" inside you so you could let it go and then they can share sex on their own without you?

Could it be solved or fixed another way? Could it be solved ahead of time BEFORE you agree to try open marriage?

( my wife has suggested that she wants me present, yet I’m sure there’s a part where she might not).

Do you think she's just saying whatever to you in the moment to get your consent and gain access to dating this woman?

You do not consent to share sex with people just cuz they are up for it. You do it because YOU want to, from a place of "joyful yes." In a 3 people group sex thing? It has to be an enthusiastic joyful 3 people yes. Not like 1 meh, 1 whatevs, and 1 ok but only cuz I'm scared of losing wife. That doesn't seem healthy way of going.

You don't sound esp "joyful yes" about it. I think deep down, you know this is not the path to take. You sound like you are thinking about doing it anyway just so as not to risk losing wife. What about losing yourself?

I wonder if you have though it out well... group sex.

How do you know witnessing them together sharing sex isn't going to be WORSE for you? Maybe you feel left out, like you can't compete, or like a third wheel there just to tick the box, but really they'd prefer to be on their own. Or whatever else?

And now instead of worrying about about the things you imagine or "what if this and what if that?" You have actual pictures from witnessing group sex in your head? You can't write that off like "I'm just thinking weird things. I could ignore that." It would be "This actually happened and I saw it. I cannot get it out of my head!"

What happens if you can't get hard? It's common enough in swinging. What then?

Tread carefully with your mental health and well being.

Esp, if you think you are insecure, emotionally immature, very conservative.

It's like playing with fire. You are responsible for your own preparedness.

Am I too insecure and/or emotionally immature to let my wife explore? My upbringing most definitely plays a part in my conservative thinking.

If you have to do some personal work in order to become more secure in yourself, more emotionally mature, and let go of some of your conservative thinking? That's prep work you could do BEFORE you agree to participate in ethical non-monogamy, right?

What's your plan to address these areas so you can become a more fit poly partner?

A triad is also one of the hardest models -- it's essentially 3 V's all stacked up together.

I have to agree with Icesong. At best, with the potential GF being a lesbian? You could try being a V where wife is the only hinge that dates both. You and GF are the "end points" of the V that only share friendship with each other.

If it wants to grow into a triad over time? All three of you are hinges that are involved with the other two romatically and sexually? Could let it take the time to develop toward that more naturally. And not like on "fast forward" in a movie or something.

You do not have to be doing EVERYTHING up at the front. What for?

Galagirl
 
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Rubberhead

New member
Hello Peter,

You do seem to have some possessive feelings going on there, plus ideations that are drawn out of mononormative conditioning. It sounds like you need to be present at your wife's first sexual encounter with her coworker. Have you told your wife this? It sounds like you may need to be present at a number of your wife's earliest sexual encounters with her coworker. Is this the case, or am I reading too much into it?

I am actually wondering, if this gay lady is willing to be intimate with you, if it might actually be best to attempt that without your wife present. I could be wrong, of course, but in most of the cases that I've observed, having a threesome only complicates things, and in fact can end in disaster.

You mentioned having a sense of diminished self-worth. Can you tell me where it is coming from? Do you have something in your past that made you feel less worthwhile, perhaps a parent or other adult that put you down all the time?

You say it's been insisted (who insisted? and why?) that your family and marriage are a priority. Do you mean that the gay lady is disposable, if her presence seems to be threatening your marriage? What is your family, do you have kids?

I think it's important, going into this, if you do go into it, that you try your damnedest to not think of it as a competition. Competing with your metamour is an artifact of mononormative conditioning. One of you (you or the gay lady) is not going to take your wife and family away from the other, it doesn't have to be that way. Your wife's close friendship with the gay lady doesn't "set you back" in the competition. You don't have to compete. Heck, even if you did have to compete, what does the coworker have? a close friendship? You have a five-year marriage. I think the marriage trumps the friendship.

Some people find these links on jealousy helpful:
I hope you find them helpful too.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Hi
You are correct, in that I do have possessive feelings, however mixed with the understanding that my wife be free to explore that side of her sexuality. We have talked at length about what a sexual encounter would look like, and my wife understands that I would be present for the first few to several, before I was comfortable with the circumstances and feeling safe enough to simply let them enjoy themselves at any given time, with my feelings of insecurity.
Apparently, the gay lady has suggested she was open to trying with a male, ( me), and has never ruled it out of her sexuality, however has simply never been intimate with a man. As my wife and I have discussed, along with our potential friend, it would possibly lead to eventual exclusive intimacy between everyone in the relationship.

Regarding my feelings of diminished self worth, it has been developed from what I and my counselors believe to be my upbringing, by very conservative and fearful immigrant parents, who shamed sexuality for my entire youth, as well as the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex wife, of 12 years ago. Highly alcoholic, and emotionless, she would belittle me often. Combined with the struggle of fulfilling my promise to my current wife regarding a complex living situation, which took 4 years longer to be resolved than expected, ( with an excellent outcome), I often feel like I’ve put her through too much to get to the good place we’ve finally reached. Her commitment to me is voiced and demonstrated often, so it’s unreasonable for me to feel the way I do, and she loves my two teenage kids, her daughter, and our entire family deeply. That said, her feelings for this other lady have come up, and I want her to feel free to explore, while keeping our marriage a priority, and including me in the relationship. We have discussed at length the mutual desire to attempt a long term poly type of marriage? Incorporating this other lady into our lives slowly and over the course of a couple years being more public about what we’re trying to establish, as we perceive it to be frowned upon in “normal” society. That said, hopefully asserts my position that this lady could Not and would Not be treated as disposable, or some play thing. Hurting feelings or breaking friendships or marriages is not the outcome we desire.

My feelings of competition stem mostly from my feelings of failing to be as strong as I should be in my relationship. I have no doubt that I pleasure my wife sexually. Spiritual satisfaction, is what I worry about the most. That and the fact that our NRE is gone after 6 years together....

thank you so much for replying.
 

Inaniel

Member
Consider for a moment the effect of incentive caused bias when sharing sex with someone. Sex for hire as an example, a woman may desire an incentive ($$$) enough to have sex with someone she otherwise would not.

Now consider your situation as I see it (and I could be wrong..), the incentive is your wife, and you are the gate keeper. Co-worker wants to have sex with your wife, and the gate keeper says “only if you have sex with me too” or “only if I get to be involved”.

I hope you aren’t so naive to think this woman, who has never slept with a man before due to her sexuality, is suddenly hot and bothered by you. I can see how that might be a tempting thought for you, but it is NOT reality. This woman has an incentive to have sex with you.

All of your own issues, problems, fears, ect.. Those are nothing but justifications for your behavior and only serves to blur what is going on here. You need to ask yourself if blatant incentivized sex is desirable to you. And if so, be forthright with it so everyone is on the same page.

Would you consider sex with a prostitute? Would you be attracted to a sugar daddy type situation? I won’t preach about what is and isn’t healthy, you are all consenting adults. I am just trying to help you realize that your situation is most similar to those outlined above.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Sounds like you have identified other areas that could be talked about and/or worked on before opening the marriage.

I often feel like I’ve put her through too much to get to the good place we’ve finally reached.

I'm not sure what behavior you actually did and how much of your situation was situational -- ie: not within your control. You don't have to say here. But since things are in a good place now? How about focussing on that?

Her commitment to me is voiced and demonstrated often, so it’s unreasonable for me to feel the way I do, and she loves my two teenage kids, her daughter, and our entire family deeply.

Why is it unreasonable? After growing up with a fearful immigrant family who taught shame around sex? And then being in an abusive marriage for a long time? You just aren't allowed to feel uncertain or insecure ever? It can take a long time to really heal from abuse.

People without that extra history you gave can also feel uncertain or insecure when contemplating a big change like open marriage.

I think you could be kinder to yourself. And if basically the answer at this time has to be "No, I don't want to do this at all" or "No, I don't want to do this right now. I need more time to read and educate and consider first" -- you could answer honestly.

Just because wife has a crush and someone kind of waiting in the wings? That's not a reason for you to agree.

My feelings of competition stem mostly from my feelings of failing to be as strong as I should be in my relationship. I have no doubt that I pleasure my wife sexually. Spiritual satisfaction, is what I worry about the most.

Well, what is "strong as I should be?" What are your expectations of yourself in a relationship? Are they realistic and reasonable expectations?

Have you asked wife is she's spiritually satisfied in the marriage?

That and the fact that our NRE is gone after 6 years together....

In general, NRE lasts 6 -24 mos. Six years in... you could be enjoying the energy from an established relationship. If you are not feeling solid in your marriage? Maybe take the time to work on that first before adding new changes.

Galagirl
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
.... the friend is gay, and never been with a man, I’m im terrified that if it was to get to the bedroom, I’d come across as a scary ogre to her.
OK, wait a minute. This woman is a lesbian. Sure, some lesbians are open to exploring sex with men but from what you've written it sounds like this particular woman wants to be with your wife. Period. She would be having sex with you only because it's a requirement, not because she is seeking anything like that. I'm not sure what the previous lengthy discussion is serving when it's clear that this woman wants to be with your wife, not with a man. She is gay. Your choices are then to be OK with your wife having a girlfriend or not be OK with your wife having a girlfriend.
 

icesong

Active member

Rubberhead

New member
Thanks everyone.
the thing is, it’s my wife that approached me first, then this woman, about the feelings she’s developed for her. Perhaps the gay woman would be willing to engage in sexual intimacy with me, but I’m guessing the primary arousal would come from my wife. I’ve made mistakes of grinding at work and trying to accomplish our goals while putting my wife’s feelings often second, and so it’s described to me by her as more of a deepening emotional connecting to the gay lady by her. The other woman was unaware of my wife’s feelings until just recently.
I’m not ready for a poly relationship. I need to work on myself and my marriage for probably 6 months, to get to the point where I will be. I am however very interested. Probably because I don’t want to shut down my Wife’s sexuality, because I feel like I would have the capacity to develope a deep affection for another life partner, and also because I’ve somehow developed a deep respect for this other woman also. I’m unwilling to have an open marriage, while my wife dates and sleeps with other people, so I’d like this situation to work eventually. In the meantime.... how do I cope with my wife’s increasing feelings ( it’s out in the open now, and undeniably happening), flirting, etc? Is it normal in the poly world, for long term throuple type relationships, to begin this way? Thanks
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Yes, what you are experiencing is normal for a throuple relationship. Your wife is having what we call NRE -- New Relationship Energy. The relationship she is having with this other woman is super good to her. This will continue to be the case for her, for 3-36 months (more often 6-24 months). The best you can do is be supportive to her of her wonderful feelings, understand that this is how throuple relationships often begin. Tell her how much she means to you, and just be understanding as you see her exploring her feelings around this new relationship.

Another thing to ask is, how do you feel about your own relationship with this other woman? Do you love her as a thing unto itself, or, do you want to be with her, as something you would want regardless of your wife's involvement? This makes a big difference as to the threesome you are planning with her. You must want her independently, otherwise things will be forced, and the threesome would end badly. Hopefully that makes sense; talk to your wife about your feelings, and let her know that you are open to a threesome with her friend.
 
OP, are you actually READING the advice? You would not be the first husband on this board who has demanded he insinuate himself into his wife's potential relationship with a LESBIAN. If you are not up for poly, fine, that could be a deal-breaker that you should not beat yourself up about. However, this woman is into your wife; quit disrespecting her by using your presence and/or participation as the price of admission.

Also, it is a bit telling you are not giving either women names.
 

Rubberhead

New member
OP, are you actually READING the advice? You would not be the first husband on this board who has demanded he insinuate himself into his wife's potential relationship with a LESBIAN. If you are not up for poly, fine, that could be a deal-breaker that you should not beat yourself up about. However, this woman is into your wife; quit disrespecting her by using your presence and/or participation as the price of admission.

Also, it is a bit telling you are not giving either women names.
Well... that’s kind of brutal.
I don’t have permission from either of them to use their names, so respectfully, I’ve chosen to not to. This is my first post, and first experience, so I’m here for advice, and support. For the most part, I’ve gotten some eye opening, intelligent replies, that have been helpful to me in understanding how I’m to deal with/ accept/ or decline this unforeseen chapter in both my life, and in the growth of my marriage.
I don’t think I’m disrespecting her at all. You’re being quite harsh. In my “normal” conditioning of relationships, if another man was trying to sleep with my wife, I’d be tempted to threaten him or otherwise act like a caveman. Honestly, I see little difference because it’s a woman in this case. If you read everything I’ve posted however, you’ll see I’m not being a Neanderthal, but am trying to get a better grasp on my needs, boundaries, and understanding. If it was just some random lesbian trying to sleep with my wife, as you’ve suggested, I’d have every facking right to be however I chose to be, as I’m Married.
Perhaps you should actually read the entire post, and try and see my struggles, rather than just throw out your pro feminine comment. We’re all just people, tryin to get a grip on what’s going on
 

Rubberhead

New member
Yes, what you are experiencing is normal for a throuple relationship. Your wife is having what we call NRE -- New Relationship Energy. The relationship she is having with this other woman is super good to her. This will continue to be the case for her, for 3-36 months (more often 6-24 months). The best you can do is be supportive to her of her wonderful feelings, understand that this is how throuple relationships often begin. Tell her how much she means to you, and just be understanding as you see her exploring her feelings around this new relationship.

Another thing to ask is, how do you feel about your own relationship with this other woman? Do you love her as a thing unto itself, or, do you want to be with her, as something you would want regardless of your wife's involvement? This makes a big difference as to the threesome you are planning with her. You must want her independently, otherwise things will be forced, and the threesome would end badly. Hopefully that makes sense; talk to your wife about your feelings, and let her know that you are open to a threesome with her friend.
Thank you again
I’m being supportive of both women’s feelings, yet struggling with my own. As for a relationship with this other woman, I don’t really have one. I somehow hold a great deal of respect for her, she has shown me kindness and thoughtfulness and respect, both before and after this all came to light. I’m finding myself increasingly wanting her acceptance and companionship, and a deep friendship with her. I’m not sure if I have a sexual attraction to her, but that only comes with time, if it’s to be something real. My wonderful wife has expressed her desire to have us all involved if we choose to move forward, in any capacity, and we have not “planned” a threesome at all. As previously mentioned, my ignorance of the dynamic is what is causing the most roadblocks currently. Sex is easy, but I believe I speak for the 3 of us when I say we want more than just a fling. We’re all hoping for something real and healthy and long term
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
You might consider giving them generic alias names. Like "Apple" and "Banana" or "Daisy" and "Rose" or something else you prefer. It makes it a bit easier to read/write about. You don't have to reveal their actual names.

I’m not ready for a poly relationship. I need to work on myself and my marriage for probably 6 months, to get to the point where I will be.

Glad you realize just jumping into it is not a good idea and are slowing it down.

I’m unwilling to have an open marriage, while my wife dates and sleeps with other people, so I’d like this situation to work eventually.

If this situation works out eventually, you will be in an Open Marriage. I think you mean you are willing to consider open marriage for this one case, this one scenario.

What happens if it doesn't work out with the lady though? Do you and wife go back to Closed? Or does she date new women looking for that desired long term partner? Do you date?

Things to talk about maybe.

In the meantime.... how do I cope with my wife’s increasing feelings ( it’s out in the open now, and undeniably happening), flirting, etc? Is it normal in the poly world, for long term throuple type relationships, to begin this way? Thanks

I'm not sure what you are dealing with that is bothersome or what you are trying to cope with.

She's going to go through the pink fluffy lala clouds of New Relationship Energy (NRE) -- all the crush stuff.

What annoying behavior is wife doing when she's around you? You can always ask her stop the behavior or dial it down around you.

If she's not doing annoying behavior, and it more the knowledge that wife can have feelings for more than just you and having to share her time and attention? You may have to do some work on your thoughts and beliefs.






May or may not help you.

Galagirl
 
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Well... that’s kind of brutal.
I don’t have permission from either of them to use their names, so respectfully, I’ve chosen to not to. This is my first post, and first experience, so I’m here for advice, and support. For the most part, I’ve gotten some eye opening, intelligent replies, that have been helpful to me in understanding how I’m to deal with/ accept/ or decline this unforeseen chapter in both my life, and in the growth of my marriage.
I don’t think I’m disrespecting her at all. You’re being quite harsh. In my “normal” conditioning of relationships, if another man was trying to sleep with my wife, I’d be tempted to threaten him or otherwise act like a caveman. Honestly, I see little difference because it’s a woman in this case. If you read everything I’ve posted however, you’ll see I’m not being a Neanderthal, but am trying to get a better grasp on my needs, boundaries, and understanding. If it was just some random lesbian trying to sleep with my wife, as you’ve suggested, I’d have every facking right to be however I chose to be, as I’m Married.
Perhaps you should actually read the entire post, and try and see my struggles, rather than just throw out your pro feminine comment. We’re all just people, tryin to get a grip on what’s going on
I honestly have read all your posts. As for "names," I did mean nicknames.

From what I have read, you want to at least be present during their first few sexual encounters. Your wife wants all three of you to be involved in a relationship. The potential girlfriend does not have sex with men. Do you AND your wife not see how she might be compromising her own wants and needs by even considering to be sexually involved with you, a man?

If I was her, I would head for the hills. Yes, I am being harsh. You can choose not to read my response, but you might be well served by at least considering it. This IS all new for you, and difficult. However, this isn't just a question of you and your wife's well-being.
 
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