New and having some serious difficulty. Help

U

unloaded88

New member
My girlfriend and I have been dating for approximately 5 months and living together for 3. (I know, it's quick.) I have never met a woman with whom I share this level of compatibility, philosophy, values, intellect and honest communication with in my life, and I've been in several long-term relationships. She has said her feelings are mutual and we are enjoying an honest, open, "best friend" kind of relationship. We agreed in the beginning, like most others I've read on this site, that life is for living and experiencing to the fullest, and neither of us want to be weighed down by traditional societal standards. I'm sure you know what I mean. So we stumbled upon polyamory and agreed that it was perfect. Neither of us have ventured out into another relationship yet (it's a little difficult finding like-minded people) but we each plan to when the opportunity arises.

She recently took a job in sales for a company that organizes "swingers" tours and flew to Jamaica last Friday for a week. Work-based but still time to run around and explore. Her being new to the job, and low on the totem pole, and my work schedule, made bringing me not an option. We've both agreed that were not looking for "just sex," but rather a loving, honest relationship like the one we share. However, I let her know that if she'd like to "play" while she was there it was ok with me.

New to the job, first time in a foreign country, and just new to this lifestyle in general, she was VERY nervous. She met a man on the second day who seemed very genuine and honest and relaxed her anxiety. They had a long conversation and, with my blessings, she slept with him.

Little did I know the profound effect this would have on me. Issues that I never knew I had have popped up and my head is running rampant. Trust. Abandonment. Mostly trust. It's almost possible to communicate while she's there. No cell phone service, etc., so were limited to email about once a day for an hour period.

Not being able to talk to her about anything is killing me, and probably at the root of what I'm feeling. I let her know what I was feeling through email (mass fear, anger, loneliness, jealousy etc.) but there's not much she can do for me 3000 miles away. She's reassured me as best she can and has agreed not to sleep with anyone else until we talk in person, and I believe her. She has never given me a reason not to believe her and she is a very honest, very real woman with a lot of integrity.

But my head is telling me otherwise. I've got all kinds of scenarios running through my head of her making excuses and sleeping with anyone she meets. Disrespecting me and our relationship, etc. I'm almost completely consumed by them. Left work early 2 days because I couldn't concentrate. Not sleeping or eating good. I'm 100% sure these are false fears, but how the hell do I get rid of them? My list of friends who are on the same page as me with polyamory is comprised of one and she's in Jamaica. I don't have anyone I know who can help me solve this or give me some suggestions. Did we go about this wrong? What should we do differently in the future? Help!
 
Well, here are my thoughts. Others will have different responses because they "define" poly differently. :) (Not to dredge that up here, but it is key to why I respond the way I do to this post.)

The thing is, *to me* (all disclaimers about your poly vs. my poly apply) your gf going to a swingers club (Hedo, I'm presuming) and engaging in casual sex with a man she may or may not see again after she leaves (whether with your permission or not) is not polyamory. It's swinging.

There's nothing wrong with swinging. My boyfriend is a swinger. He enjoys it. I don't. I cannot do casual sex, myself, but I am ok with him swinging for a couple of reasons. One is that he was doing it before I met him and it's part of who he is, so to ask him to quit would be kind of silly on my part. The other is that I know that, yes, there is a possibility he would meet someone and develop stronger feelings for them, but he doesn't approach swinging the way he approaches a poly relationship (like the one with me). He and I are very much on the same page about the difference between the two, with the understanding that if he meets someone while swinging and it looks like it's going to develop into more, we'll discuss it and figure out how to add this person to our relationship, if that's what he and she want.

But it sounds like you and your girlfriend haven't necessarily come to an agreement of what poly means to you and how you plan to practice it. The fact that you're afraid that she'll go crazy, disrespect your relationship, sleep around all over the place, etc., says to me that you and she need a LOT more communication. Being poly is a lot more (again, IMO, the way I practice poly, etc.) than just having sex with multiple people, it's about building relationships. And how you build relationships is something you both have to agree on.

Now, that said, if you want make your relationship open to swinging as well as poly, and to individual swinging while she's travelling for work, or similar situations, then that's something you'll need to work out in your own mind. But it doesn't sound like you're comfortable with the swinging part of it, to me.

Again, bottom line is that it boils down to communication. I personally would NOT have been comfortable with a new partner who I was still developing a relationship with going off and swinging while being largely out of contact with me.
 
Hi there.

I know just how that feels...

The one thing I might say to try is to find peace with yourself regardless of how your gf responds. Find something that will allow you to relax, feel good, or let some steam off. For me - swimming, bicycling, or racquetball work wonders. As does listening to some great music, or doing something that I don't have time to do If my bf is not around.

Really this has nothing to do with polyamory - more of a how to reduce anxiety in general.

Have confidence that things will work out for YOU regardless of if it does with someone you are in a relationship with... If you find that peace, relationship anxiety can just melt away.
 
Butterflies

Hi Unloaded,

Yea - those first few experiences really get to us.
But I wouldn't advise beating yourself up over your feelings or suddenly questioning the decision you and she have carefully thought & talked out - to the best of your current ability/experience.
It's absolutely normal and expected. She'll (likely) go through the same on you're first time "out" (if it's not together).
It roots from the distorted perspective we are conditioned with by society regarding sex. That 'programming' starts very early, when our brains are very much in their formative stages, and won't be undone just by a conversation and decision.
That make sense ?

It does take some work. Yeppers - there's a little pain involved. But it DOES pass, and usually faster than we might think. That fact that you two seem so close and have had the foresight to discuss where sex played into your relationship in advance only makes it easier. Good for you !

It's also good to remember that 'sex' is just 'sex'. The sex we partake in with different people is different because the equation is different. What you have together that's good (or great) won't change because of it. And at the heart of it all - it's NOT what defines and glues your relationship together ! (I hope)

Hope that helps some. Most here have been there with you before. :)

GS
 
unloaded88 said:
I have never met a woman who i share this level of compatability, philosophy, values, intellect and honest communication with in my life, and ive been in several long term relationships.
Click to expand...

Awww! Congratulations. :)

She recently took a job in sales for a company that organizes "swingers" tours and flew to jamaica last friday for a week.
Click to expand...

Can I just say what an awesome opportunity that is? Non-monogamist working for a company that caters to other non-monogamists -- wonderful matchup.

They had a long conversation and, with my blessings, she slept with him.
Little did I know the profound effect this would have on me.
Click to expand...

I think this is the key. You didn't know quite what that would do to you. You took your best guess, and your guess turned out wrong. That's not your fault or anyone else's.

This is one of those times where jealousy really is the symptom of something else underneath, and I feel for you. Distance seldom helps when one is feeling insecure. At least she should be home very soon, and you can reconnect, not to mention talk about it face-to-face.

I think you went about it the best you could. Be open about your feelings and fears; make sure you two know each other even better next time one of you wants to go outside the relationship. Really, just keep going as you have been. Five months together is early days yet. (Sometimes I feel like one and a half years is early days yet. To each their own pace.)

Best of luck. <3
 
You should do some thinking about what sex means to you, and ask her to do the same.

If I were in her shoes, I would be very bothered by your worries, because it seems like you're questioning what kind of person she is, what she'd do if she could get away with it. Maybe that's not quite explaining it right-
A friend of mine occasionally annoys me by making comments that seem to assume I'd like to go around screwing a bunch of random guys. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I know he enjoys casual sex and would like more opportunities in that area, and envies me because if I wanted to, I could have oodles of casual sex- the reason I get annoyed is that his comments make me feel like he just doesn't understand me--which, considering the amount of time we've spent talking about sex and relationships, and that I've explained to him many times that I get emotionally attached to people I have sex with, and that sex without some kind of emotional intimacy just doesn't interest me, his lack of understanding makes me suspect he's a total idiot or he just doesn't listen to me.
 
www.xeromag.com
has some KICK BUTT articles about dealing with insecurity and jealousy-actually walk you through steps to take for yourself that will help with those emotions.

Check it out.
 
There is a lot on jealousy here on the forum if your do a search for tags or related topics... it might help make you feel like you aren't the only one and that we all start somewhere.

Feeling for you in this.... *hugs*
 
lovefromgirl said:
At least she should be home very soon, and you can reconnect, not to mention talk about it face-to-face.
Click to expand...


This made something click in my head. After my husband has alone time with our girlfriend, I need time to reconnect with him (to help me realize that our relationship will continue in a healthy manner.) This is because of issues in my past and in the history of our relationship, which likely you don't have, but maybe it would help you in future to make sure that the two of you can set aside time afterward to reconnect in a way that's meaningful to you. Also, as you can see from the responses you got, different people define poly in different ways, and different people connect or don't connect sex with emotion. It's important that you figure out where you and your girlfriend stand on this issue.
 
what you are going though i went (and still am) going though, it is natural to feel hurt, rejected, angry,lost, plus many other emotion all at once in a slurry of chaos and confusion....feel it, own it, acknowledge it, tell yourself what your feeling out loud, but don't tell yourself that since your not enjoying what your feeling that your relationship has to change, because if you tell yourself it is ok to feel all these things, in my albeit short poly experience, it help you be ok with more,

good reading while your lady is gone would be the "ethical slut" it has a whole chapter dedicated to what your experiencing, and while because you and i are not that same, it may provide the assurance you need, i know it helped me out alot,

it wont change what your feeling, but it might help you better unde3rstand it so you can learn how to make what your feeling positive, (ie, glad your girlfriend is having such a good time,)

to of the people i am dating (one of them i have been in a committed poly relationship for nine years) are married now, and i cannot even begin to describe the feeling i went though when that happened,

just try to remember that it gets better

bear in mind though poly is very fluid, what works for you is something your going to have to find, sometimes though trial and error

good luck
-Sile
:)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top