New and needing advice.

[Tejon]

Hi all . Been lurking for a little.bit but decided that I should make an account to ask some questions.
Myself (47m) and my partner of 9 months (32f) have been living together for a little while and recently the topic of her being poly came up. She said she feels she has enough love to share with others and wanted to know if I was cool with it. I've only been in mono relationships before but all of them ended via my partners cheating on me.
Recently ( about 2 weeks ago and around the same time that we discussed her being poly) she remade contact with an ex of hers who she blocked 7 or 8 months ago ( they had a 2 year relationship which consisted of a few hours a week together no overnight or anything) and somehow has realised he would be the best other partner for her. In truth I have no issue with her dating others as I know there are some needs I can fullfill but he jumped into it straight away and decided that they were together..She has stated that I will be her anchor partner and the one she will marry and asked time and time again for me to not leave her as she loves me more then anyone else.
This weekend she has hosted him as he lives 5 hours away and I did ask that no sexual activities occur as I'm still learning the ropes and trying to deal with the emotional changes and so far it all seems OK.
The main question I really have is that I moved out of my bedroom which is my safe space as it was the only place they could smoke together as we currently don't have any spare rooms and they have been sleeping on a mattress in the lounge room. Is it unfair for me to ask that if she does host going forward that no sexual activities occur on our shared bed. I know its going to happen as they have history and eventually one day he may move in once our other housemate leaves I just feel like I deserve a space myself

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi all. Been lurking for a little bit, and decided that I should make an account to ask some questions.

Hi and welcome.

Myself (47m) and my partner of 9 months (32f) have been living together for a little while.

You've been together only 9 months and are already cohabiting?
How long have you been living together?
Did you move into her place or vice versa?
How had the living together and the relationship in general been going before she dropped the poly bomb?

and recently the topic of her being poly came up. She said she feels she has enough love to share with others and wanted to know if I was cool with it. I've only been in mono relationships before but all of them ended via my partners cheating on me.

Generally most formerly mono couples who succeed at opening to ethical-non-monogamy take at least a year to research the subject before actually starting to date others. So, you're on shaky ground. Having a good strong foundation can't be overly emphasized.

Add to that, you and gf have only been together 9 months, so you're still probably in the infatuation phase. We call it "new relationship energy." There are lots of problems with making big decisions during this early phase.

Recently (about 2 weeks ago, around the same time that we discussed her being poly) she remade contact with an ex of hers who she blocked 7 or 8 months ago.

It sounds like she wants to rekindle with her ex, and that's why she suggested opening up. A lot has happened very fast here:
- She dated another guy, and the breakup was so bad, she blocked him for eight months.
- She met you (while on the rebound from the other guy).
- You dated.
- You moved in together.
- Now, not only has she unblocked her ex, she wants to date him while still dating you, her live-in partner!
- And now, he's visiting, and wants to kick you out of your bed/room so he can be with her in it "to smoke."

They had a 2-year relationship, which consisted of a few hours a week together, no overnights or anything. Somehow [she] has realised he would be the best other partner for her. I have no issue with her dating others, as I know there are some needs [of hers I can't] fulfill.

What needs of hers are going unmet? You have a pretty large age gap, for instance.

He jumped into it straight away and decided that they were together.

He can think what he wants. It doesn't mean she has to agree. It doesn't mean you have to be cool with everything. Was him being so pushy one reason she broke up with him and blocked him? What did he do/say/promise to get back in her good graces?

If I'm reading you correctly, I am seeing red flags all over the place.

She has stated that I will be her anchor partner and the one she will marry, and asked time and time again for me to not leave her, as she loves me more then anyone else.

She can want what she wants. That has nothing to do with what you want and decide. Maybe you feel lucky she told you about hooking back up with her ex, rather than just cheating on you, like all your former partners had done. You're 47. How many times have you been cheated on?

This weekend she hosted him, as he lives 5 hours away. I did ask that no sexual activities occur, as I'm still learning the ropes and trying to deal with the emotional changes, and so far it all seems OK.

So he's there now?

The main question I really have is that I moved out of my bedroom, which is my safe space, as it was the only place they could smoke together

"Smoke"? Do you mean "sleep?" Don't most people go outside to smoke these days? Weed or tobacco?

... as we currently don't have any spare rooms, and they have been sleeping on a mattress in the lounge room.

I am so confused! Can you please re-explain this sleeping/smoking, in the bedroom or lounge-room arrangement? They can smoke/sleep in your bedroom, but not in the living room? Why? And why should you care, or make this kind of sacrifice?

Why is she even "sleeping" with him at all, if you're not comfortable with her doing sexual activities with him at this time? Isn't that overly tempting? They could get up to shenanigans without you knowing, there in bed, under the covers, side by side all night! You might be getting "cheated on" yet again, my dude.

Is it unfair for me to ask that if she does host going forward, that no sexual activities occur on our shared bed? I know it's going to happen, as they have history.

If you don't want them to have sexual activities in your shared bed, she can sleep with him on the air mattress in the lounge. They can go smoke outside.

Eventually, one day, he may move in, once our other housemate leaves.

No. There is no reason for you to share a home with this sketchy dude from her past. Many/most people people in a V (where one person is dating two people, like you + gf + her ex) never share a living space. Your gf is the hinge in your V. She can live alone and host whoever she wants. She can share a home with you (and a platonic roommate if financially necessary), and if her "ex-turned-bf" moves back to the area, she can go visit him and have sex or whatever she wants at his place. Or, she can move out of your shared place and move in with her "ex-turned-bf." (I wouldn't recommend this, of course, as they seem to have an even shakier foundation than the two of you do!)

Slow down... Breathe... Think before you act! You're a middle-aged guy. This all sounds so impulsive and unconsidered.

I just feel like I deserve a space myself.

It's hard to know what to say, since the information you provided was so confusing. Of course you deserve your safe space, either your bedroom or your whole entire house!

Again, in general, if a formerly mono couple decides to open, they take at least a year to research how to do it before dating others.

For now, you could tell her you do not want to host this demanding fellow at your home. You can request she not go visit him, and not make any promises about the future with him, until you both get much more well informed about how to practice polyamory.

Decisions about where to sleep seem a bit trivial when you have so little knowledge of ethical non-monogamy, barely know your partner (9 months is nothing), she has unresolved history with a demanding "ex," etc.

Please see our Golden Nuggets section. Read the articles listed there, and at least one book, such as Opening Up, before consenting to your new gf going any further with her "ex," or any others. If she insists, you have power. You can leave. Don't promise to marry her! It's way too soon.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

 

[GalaGirl]

Wow. I think it have been better for her to have brought all this up before you and she were living together, because then you wouldn't have to see her going to/coming back from dates with other people or deal with her hosting someone in her home (which is now also your home.)

Is this home a rented house? Maybe you want to slow down and move back out again if you are going to try this? Like flats in the same complex, so nearby, maybe alone or with roomies, but not inside the same actual flat/house together?

Then later ease into a split bedroom floor plan where you each have your own bedrooms, IF you even want to live together again. You might not. But a split bedroom floorplan, so you each can host your other partners without displacing the nesting partner from their bedroom. They get to keep their own bedroom and safe space at all times. And no connecting wall, so less sex noises through the walls.

This is a lot of jumping the gun, to me.

If this is long distance, and Dude has to travel 5 hours to get here, they could space out the visits then, so they can take a hotel if he comes here. That doesn't put you out.

Or she can fly to him and he hosts her there and that doesn't put you out, either. Exactly why do HER dating logistics have to put YOU out of your bedroom?

And if that's too expensive? Guess what? Might not be workable then. She learns that LDR partners are too expensive for her.

he jumped into it straight away and decided that they were together.

What's his experience with polyamory? Where's the rush for him? Where's the fire? If he wants to zoom through his life, alright. He can do that. That doesn't mean you have to zoom in yours.

Why do you even know so much about him? Is she oversharing?

She has stated that I will be her anchor partner, and the one she will marry, and asked time and time again for me to not leave her as she loves me more then anyone else.

YOU have a voice in the things that concern you. You might not agree to that offer. While she might want all that, YOU might want something else. You might not want to be the anchor partner. You might not want marriage to her. You've only been dating her 9 mos.

I think you could be honest and say, "No, thank you. I appreciate the offer, but that's too much too soon. Counterproposal -- I'm willing to try this out and take polyamory one semester/lease at a time. But I cannot promise you marriage. We've only been dating 9 mos. I cannot promise that I'll never break up. I reserve the right to quit if this doesn't feel good to me."

You might want a slower approach like going semester by semester. No more hosting Dude here in the shared home til you can move out and it isn't a shared home anymore. She can go to him, or host in a hotel if he comes here. You might accept she has started poly-dating Dude, but you could ask for no dating even MORE new people til you both catch up your poly education and/or you move out. You could even talk to a poly counselor so you have support through all this.

You need time to get to know her as a poly hinge and figure out if she's even a good one, or if she's too impulsive, picks out weirdos to date, too much drama, etc.

You also need time to get to know yourself as you poly date. You might poly date a partner you are more compatible with for marriage than her. Like you still want to date her, but you want to marry the other one. Why is she in a hurry to lock you down into marriage after dating 9 mos? You don't find that odd? If she wants to zoom through her life, she can. I think people are free to choose whatever, even dumb things. But YOU get to choose for YOU. And you don't have to zoom along in YOUR life.

Why the big rush? Where's the fire? Living together is a big step, engagement is a big step, marriage is a big step, changing from monogamy to polyamory is a big step. Do all the things HAVE to be piled up together? Can't some of this be spread out some so it's not hitting like mega-stress?

I am not being mean, ok? But I urge you to reflect.

If this goes wrong, do you REALLY want to be living with your ex who is still dating Dude and having him there lots? Tread with caution.

Is it unfair for me to ask that if she does host going forward that no sexual activities occur on our shared bed?

I think you could tell her you did not love the last time she hosted here and it left you without your bedroom. You tried it once already. You prefer she hosts him in a hotel if he comes here, or she goes to him and he hosts her there.

I know it's going to happen, as they have history. And eventually one day he may move in, once our other housemate leaves. I just feel like I deserve a space myself.

You do deserve your own space. Make it so. And make it not here, so even if Dude moves in, she can deal with him and you still don't have to. You have your own bedroom elsewhere. Maybe when the housemate goes you also go and she also goes. You all disperse and get your own places?

Myself (47m) and my partner of 9 months (32f) have been living together for a little while

Recently (about 2 weeks ago and around the same time that we discussed her being poly) she remade contact with an ex of hers who she blocked 7 or 8 months ago

She took up with you only 1-2 mos after breaking up with him/blocking him?

Are you the rebound relationship? She wasn't really over her ex and wants to go back? So she is suggesting polyamory as a means to get to keep both of you? But she's not REALLY wanting polyamory?

What do YOU want? If she was out of the picture, would you still want polyamory for yourself?

I suggest you do your soul searching and slow down some. I don't know if you can avail yourself, but this could help you find a counselor.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

I think if you want to try polyamory with her, you do it from your own flat and not living together. It would suck to break up with her and be stuck living with your ex because of finances, while she moves Dude in when the housemate moves out. Then having to watch them all lovey-dovey in the shared home. Best to not even have to deal in that weird.

You value a space of your own -- so make it happen.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

Hi,
I'm not about to judge as harshly as previous posters. I think having feelings for an ex is pretty natural and not necessarily a bad choice as a second polyamorous partner. It does, however, make things more difficult for you. It's ok to be open to polyamory but not so fast and not with ex - but if you can deal with her choice, I think that's nice.
Re a shared bed, every couple will deal differently, but this is also something that's off limits for me, and for many couples. It icks me out to have someone else in my place. Others who are more kitchen-table will search for a huge one and sleep all together.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm not about to judge as harshly as previous posters.

You can judge me and GalaGirl harshly and say we were harshly judgmental. However, I don't think we were "harsh." In fact, as per the Guidelines, I think we were both rather kind, asked a lot of questions, were concerned for the OP's safety and comfort. I found his post somewhat confusing and asked for clarification.

Here are our Guidelines, which ask members to be kind to newbies who aren't familiar with polyamory. #10 and #11 are particularly pertinent.

User Guidelines

This forum was founded on the idea that communication, empathy, and the functional relationship skills so necessary for poly relationships should be fostered here. The primary rule of this board is for members to be considerate towards each other. Other guidelines for board members include (but...

polyamory.com

I think having feelings for an ex is pretty natural and not necessarily a bad choice as a second polyamorous partner. It does, however, make things more difficult for you. It's ok to be open to polyamory but not so fast and not with [her] ex.

Here we agree.

but if you can deal with her choice, I think that's nice.

GG offered ways the OP's gf could date her ex. It's not "harsh" to be looking out for the OP, who is brand new to polyamory, and uncomfortable sharing his house with his new gf's demanding ex. If you think me calling her ex "demanding" is harsh, okay. I think when he allegedly said he was "together" with the gf, after just coming out of being blocked for most of a year, sounds kind of pushy!

Re a shared bed, every couple will deal differently, but this is also something that's off limits for me, and for many couples. It icks me out to have someone else in my place. Others who are more kitchen-table will search for a huge one and sleep all together.

"Kitchen table polyamory" might be a new term for our OP. Mostly it means being able to sit around the kitchen table with your partner and her OSO (your metamour). Or go out on vanilla dates, watch Netflix together, share hobbies, that kind of thing.

Once in a blue moon, if the two arms of the V get along super well, it's possible to share a huge bed. It's rather unlikely two straight men, between whom there seems to be a budding rivalry, will want to share a bed with this gf, now or ever. I don't want our OP to think that might be in his future, or expected, or common amongst poly people in Vs.

 

[Tinwen]

You can judge me and GalaGirl harshly and say we were harshly judgmental.

No, sorry, I didn't mean that, I just have a more optimistic view of the people involved.

 

[Tinwen]

Once in a blue moon, if the two arms of the V get along super well, it's possible to share a huge bed. It's rather unlikely two straight men, between whom there seems to be a budding rivalry, will want to share a bed with this gf, now or ever. I don't want our OP to think that might be in his future, or expected, or common amongst poly people in Vs.

It's somehow common discussion topic in our small local poly community, people sharing huge beds and where to get one... I'm always surprised by it.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's somehow common in our small local poly community, people sharing huge beds... I'm always surprised by it.

Oh really? And there is group sex, or just cuddle puddles? Of the poly people I know personally, there is none of that. I shared a bed with two partners once, for one night, when I attended a kink con with them both, and my bf got us a hotel room onsite.

Not to derail this thread, maybe this would be a good topic for a separate poll and thread.

 

[Tinwen]

Oh really? And there is group sex, or just cuddle puddles? Of the poly people I know personally, there is none of that. I shared a bed with two partners once, for one night, when I attended a kink con with them both, and my bf got us a hotel room onsite.

Not to derail this thread, maybe this would be a good topic for a separate poll and thread.

I don't know, maybe just cuddle. The more outgoing part of our local community seems quite cuddly, with blurry boundaries between friend and partner and random overnights. It's probably just a few individuals making this overall impression.

 

[Tejon]

I would like to clarify some things.

When we met, she was in a very one-sided open relationship with an abusive partner and had been trying to escape for a few years without success. The other party was not this guy, however he wasn't really doing anything to help her leave.

When we met, we never planned on falling so quick for each other, and as we both overthink, it was difficult to put into words what we felt.
I got her out of that situation and we moved states so she could recover her health and mental issues.

The other party was blocked at this time as she felt he hadn't wanted to help her.

Yes, everything moved quick. Yes, I was aware she may have had poly ideals and thoughts before.

We have discussed how I felt by being left out of a few things this weekend, and that her attention seems to be taken up by him all the time. They have both acknowledged that they may have moved too quick.

They have also agreed that he will get hotel rooms nearby when he comes down every month or so, so that I have my safe space, as will they.

He has acknowledged that he made mistakes in the past by trying to be too perfect for her, but really does want the best for her, and feels like he may lose her again, and he can't deal with that pain again.

They are both poly and have had poly relationships before, whereas this is new to me.

She has also expressed that she is afraid she is going to lose me, as I've been the best partner she has ever had, and no one will ever replace me, and I do believe her. The attraction was so strong at the start and still is. There was just something about her I couldn't resist.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I will take it all on board. I have started speaking up for myself. I'm very self sacrificing, because I've been conditioned that way in past relationships.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Tejon,

In poly, there has to be compromises. In this case, you are graciously supporting your partner in her (rather sudden) relationship with her ex. In return, you ask that she and her ex not have sex in the bed you share with her. This, to me, sounds like a reasonable compromise. Does she and/or her ex object to this? If they don't have a problem with it, then you don't need to worry about it. This is my take on the matter, you can draw your own conclusions.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Tejon]

Hello Tejon,

In poly, there has to be compromises. In this case, you are graciously supporting your partner in her (rather sudden) relationship with her ex. In return, you ask that she and her ex not have sex in the bed you share with her. This, to me, sounds like a reasonable compromise. Does she and/or her ex object to this? If they don't have a problem with it, then you don't need to worry about it. This is my take on the matter, you can draw your own conclusions.

Regards,
Kevin T.

No problems with that at all. They both have agreed that they need their own space for that and he won't be doing anymore overnight until that is arranged.
He ended up sleeping on the futon we have in our room and she slept on my side of the bed.
None of us managed to sleep at all that night.

 

[GalaGirl]

We have discussed how I felt by being left out of a few things this weekend and that her attention seems to be taken up by him all the time. They have both acknowledged that they may have moved too quick.
They have also agreed that he will get hotel rooms nearby when he comes down every month or so, so that I have my safe space, as will they.

Glad you had a talk. Glad that moving forward, he will get a hotel when he visits, rather than staying in the shared home.

They are both poly and have had poly relationships before, whereas this is new to me.

That doesn't mean anything other than they each had poly relationships before. They each might be good at it or they might not. Either way? You still need to speak up for your own self and the things you need. People cannot be mind readers.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I will take it all on board and have started speaking up for myself as I'm very self sacrificing because I've been conditioned that way in past relationships

I'm sorry past relationships were like that. I'm glad you are starting to advocate for your own self more.

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

I think this situation would be clearer to your readers if people had nicknames. I will use generic names. You can of course, choose others.

Apple- your gf
Mango- her ex turned present partner
Grape- Apple's ex who was abusive

So I see that you fully rescued Apple from Grape after only knowing her a short while, not only helping her get out of an abusive relationship, but even going to far as to move out of state together, and getting a place together. No wonder she thinks you are the best bf she's ever had!

You uprooted your life for Apple, leaving your home town, your job, friends and family, perhaps. Do you or she have any established roots in your new state? Did you both get jobs? Do you have friends and family there, or are you both "us against the world," relying only on each other?

Now, her former bf Mango is back in the picture. She was mad at him for not helping her escape from Grape. I guess somehow he broke through her no-contact barrier and has convinced her that he still wants her, and she has forgiven him for not doing enough to help her when she was in peril before.

All this is much more complex than just who sleeps where when Mango comes to visit. You were/are Apple's knight in shining armor, her savior, and you are aware that you are very self-sacrificing. But at least you put your foot down about hosting Mango in the future. That's good.

In my opinion, no one should be making long-term future plans of marriage yet. Apple might still have PTSD from the abuse. You've just moved to a new state. Those are some of the most stressful things to recover from.

Let's see how this plays out with Mango for a bit... You're new to polyamory, so might have some struggles ahead being one of two men Apple is dating.

 

[Tejon]

So yes, Apple has family nearby. Mango has family about an hour away from here. I do not. But I am working and volunteering in the community, as well as finishing my degree. Apple is not working currently and about to start studying.

I was planning on moving states anyway, as my previous relationship had ended with, let's call her Pear, deciding she wanted to spend her time partying and getting involved in IV drug use, as well as trying to sleep with all the fruit salad she could. That relationship ended years ago. However, we lived in the same house, as neither could afford to buy the other out. I had my own area away from hers. I moved to where my best friend lived and that's where I met Apple. It was about 2 months before Apple and I got her out from Grape's control.