New boyfriend too nervous --> losing interest

SchrodingersCat

SchrodingersCat

Active member
TLDR: New boyfriend can't get hard because he gets too nervous around me and can't stop thinking. Also watches a lot of porn and masterbates frequently. While I know that PIV is not the be-all-end-all of sex, it's something I'm specifically seeking in my relationships right now. I already have a sexless marriage, I don't need a sexless boyfriend too. Hands will "get me off" but don't "satisfy" me. I want cock. It's been over a month now, if anything the problem is getting worse, and I'm losing interest. What to do?

Long version:

I've been seeing this guy, call him Mickey, for a few months. I was also travelling a lot, and somewhere in the midst of while we were "dating" but not "together," my relationship with my girlfriend ended and I inadvertently "friend-zoned" Mickey while I got my relationship-life stable. When I got over that and we started dating again, he basically couldn't believe that he still had a chance with me (his words). When I know what I want, I don't putz around, so I quickly moved to make things official. Now we're "in a relationship" and see each other pretty often.

My marriage is sexless, and that's fine. It's always been. We connect with a more spiritual energy than sexual energy, and that's just how things are for us. I also used to be on the pill, which killed my sex drive, so it was never an issue. Last winter, I switched to a Mirena IUD. Now that the hormones have cleared the rest of my system, my sex drive has come back with the vengeance of a thousand Venuses. Because my husband is awesome, he's happy to "service" me with his hands if I'm horny. But this newfound sex drive of mine isn't satisfied with "getting off." I'm craving that feeling of penis-in-vagina sex. I don't even care about orgasms from it, it's the feeling itself that I want.

Enter Mickey. Hung like a horse and self-reports to be very sexual. Perfect! Or so I thought. He's having trouble maintaining erections. It's all in his head -- if he drinks first, no nerves = no problem. We've talked a bit about it, and he says that he gets really nervous with me. Says he still can't believe that we're going out. So I've been doing everything I can to make him feel more comfortable. We spend a lot of time talking and cuddling. Sometimes he'll start to get hard while dry humping, but as soon as the pants come off, it's gone.

Add in that he watches a lot of porn and masterbates a couple times a day. I'm not an expert, but I've been reading up on this NoFap stuff. There's some pretty good evidence that excessive porn does affect your ability to maintain erections with real-life humans. Likewise for frequent masterbation. Far be it for me to tell someone else what to do and how to live their lives... But if it's affecting our sex life, then it becomes a relationship issue.

I'm not sure how to bring up the NoFap aspect, or even if I should. Maybe it's not my place, but if the alternative is to just dump him, then surely mentioning the "try to stop watching porn and masterbating" option is worthwhile? i.e. not making the decision for him, but letting him decide whether porn and masterbating are worth losing a relationship over... But then how to bring that up without killing the male ego?

The "too nervous" issue is even harder to overcome, since it's something he's got to tackle himself. I've done everything I can to make him more comfortable and believe that "this is really happening." But I have no desire for another relationship where the only sex is hands and toys, and my patience is running out.

Part of me wants to just forget about it. It's LDR, since I'm a traveller and also moving to a different city. So most of our relationship is non-physical anyway. But that feels insincere. He's a really nice guy and I don't want to keep him as just a side-piece. He deserves more than that. But his fear is becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy: he's afraid I'm going to leave him, so he can't get it up, so I'm losing interest, so if it doesn't change then I'm eventually going to leave him.
 
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Humm

If you're patient and wait for him to take the lead, might be a bit of waiting, let him start how he wants and with what he knows gets him going!?
Tight spot for sure.... But
There's absolutely nothing wrong with telling him that Porn isn't helping in this situation... So, if he needs to stay away from watching for a bit?
Stay away from self pleasure for a bit?
Because if he's not .... Then what's left for you? What's he need you for? You are sharing what your desire is... He should pay attention if you've voiced it.. More then once!
As a guy I think: You sharing what you want and some advice about how to get it, he should just take a bit of time and just let sink in.... But it shouldn't affect his manliness one bit! If it does.. He needs to work on self and not alone.. He'll need therapy unfortunately, I think.
When he does get hard... Let him do what he wants for a bit.. But make him hold, not to finish! Do that for a couple hours or till it's time to call it for the day. And do again next but time...
He'll need to stay away from porn/ self Pleasure.... It's just mechanics, I think, that should build some pressure .. You know..
Bey kitty!
 
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I dated a man that had trouble staying hard for psychological reasons. Viagra didn't work... But he learned to trust me and over the course of a couple months, he started getting hard and staying hard, and being really good at fucking (he was already super awesome at oral and fingering and spanking and tit play and all the other stuff I loved, and he was really fun to hang out with, so he was worth my time giving him a chance).

I'd say you've got nothing to lose by suggesting laying off the porn and masturbation. Seems to me, from being a long time OKC user, there are way way too many men out there these days that fear actual sex with an actual partner! So many OKC guys that contact me seem to want to just get me to talk sexy to them while they do whatever in front of their screen.

I want sex. I want foreplay, I want kink, I want fucking. If a man can't provide that for whatever reason, I'm not going to go along with their lame ass preferences for anything less.

If you really care about this man, be upfront. Be honest with yourself, and with him. Tell him what his options are to make himself be a better partner for you, sexually. Then don't have sex with him, of any kind, until he puts on his big boy panties and gets himself in order.

If he won't help himself, don't waste your time being a sexual martyr. Dump him and move on.
 
I'm not sure how to bring up the NoFap aspect, or even if I should. Maybe it's not my place, but if the alternative is to just dump him, then surely mentioning the "try to stop watching porn and masterbating" option is worthwhile? i.e. not making the decision for him, but letting him decide whether porn and masterbating are worth losing a relationship over... But then how to bring that up without killing the male ego?
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"We haven't tried this game yet. How about we save ourselves for a hot date night and then just go wild and eat each other up? Like go celibate for a week. No porn, masturbating, nothing. You up for that?"

The "too nervous" issue is even harder to overcome, since it's something he's got to tackle himself. I've done everything I can to make him more comfortable and believe that "this is really happening." But I have no desire for another relationship where the only sex is hands and toys, and my patience is running out.
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"Hon, I'm concerned about your anxiety. Are you willing to see a doctor? Do you want me to make you an appointment? I would be willing to call to set it up and go with if you need moral support."

Part of me wants to just forget about it.
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TBH? That is where I would be. Skip the first two options above and just go right to breaking up.

I already carry kidcare, carry eldercare. If I was going to open my marriage again tomorrow? I don't want someone ELSE to carry. I just want to date. I would want an already healthy partner who is not a "fixer upper." I don't have the energy for that.

He's a really nice guy and I don't want to keep him as just a side-piece.
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So you part ways. This is not compatible at this time. And there. He is not a side piece. And he's still a nice guy.

But his fear is becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy: he's afraid I'm going to leave him, so he can't get it up, so I'm losing interest, so if it doesn't change then I'm eventually going to leave him.
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I had a BF and situation like that. He would not even go see a doctor. If I could see evidence of him TRYING to get well like doing appointments? I would have stayed. There would have been some hope. But he didn't do that at that time. So I left because to it had become hopeless.

Strangely he called me almost ten years later to apologize for being that way back then and to let me know he was now in therapy. I congratulated him and encouraged him on his path to wellness.

While secretly thinking "Wow. This is the weirdest out of the blue call I ever got. Like he is in some kind of 12 Step doing his homework apologizing to all he hurt and he hit my name on the list. How many other GFs had to dump him before he FINALLY took himself to a doc?"

Had he entered therapy when I was dating him? I would have stuck around because I would have been able to see him at least TRYING. Another 10-15 years after the odd call, I heard he got engaged and married a nice seeming person. I was glad for him. But also glad for me! To wait 20 -25 years for him to get it together? Not for me.

I don't think you need to feel bad about letting this go. If it is not a match at this time, it is not a match at this time. Nobody's fault.

Galagirl
 
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Hi SchrodingersCat,

Perhaps the thing to say to your new boyfriend is, "Dear, I have to be honest, I am in need of PIV sex and we are not having that. Are there steps we could take to solve that? Could you refrain from the porn and masturbation for awhile, and see if that helps? What about going to see a sex therapist? Could you do that?"

Perhaps as a last resort, you did say that he has no problems if he drinks first. Maybe if you and he don't often have sex, you could put up with him drinking, in order to get it up. I can understand if you don't want to go down that road. But I mention it just in case.

I do think it's reasonable to ask him to take steps to improve his performance -- and even to make dating him depend on it. After all, if sex is a part of the relationship, then what you're getting out of it sexually matters. And it should be possible to break up with him but still be his friend. You just need time to seek out another sexual partner.

That's my take, anyway. I know I might be wrong.
Kevin T.
 
Have either of you read 'Come as You Are' by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D? https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

It is focused on women so may not be as obviously useful to him. However, I am positive that the same drivers/inhibitors that help shape a woman's sexuality, desire and response are also present and active in men. Maybe not in the exact same way but there.

Dan Savage also has some useful advice for shy/nervous dicks. Basically demanding that he be hard is the fastest, easiest way to make him not hard. Some dicks, like your boyfriend's, do not respond well to pressure or expectations. Savage also suggests that if porn/masturbating is contributing to his inability to have hard ons around you, then asking him to not jerk off, and not watch porn for a while is worth a try.

But all this might be more work than you want to invest. And that's ok too.
 
Things like Viagra and Cialis won't work. Not putting pressure on him will work. Complaining to him will guarantee he won't get hard. And yeah, masturbating twice a day is going to put a damper on things no matter how much of a stud a guy might be.

Give it time. You say a few months, but it's LDR so it's not like you've been around each other every day for those few months.
 
I've had similar problems with Hal. He can get hard, with or without viagra, but can only come from his own hand. I hated it the first time we dated, it really made me feel less than sexy that he'd never "finish" on or in me. We've recently started dating again, and it's one of the things that makes me wonder if I want to progress to sex with him or not. When we'd talked about it before, he said he'd "work on it," but then I'd come over and find bottles of astroglide out...

IMO There's nothing wrong with wanting the full sexual experience with your lover, not just whatever's left over when they're done spanking off. But seems to me like the porn/masturbation habit is as tough to quit as smoking cigarettes. See if your guy is willing to forgo to porn and masturbation for a while, and if things improve.
 
I've learned to care less if a man can cum from intercourse or a BJ. Finding a good sex partner for a man, can be difficult, and some have resorted to long term masturbation. Their cocks are trained to cum only from their own hand. I am not thrilled if a guy needs to finish with his own hand. But I have adapted. After all, lots of women can't cum from intercourse either. And some can't cum at all. It's not just the guys.

Also, I have dated older men... I am 62, so, my peers, or even men in their 50s and 40s. Testosterone abates just like our estrogen does. It's not their fault they can't get rock hard and stay that way, and cum multiple times like a guy in his teens, 20s or 30s.

Also, I have found some men don't cum or stay reliably hard on the first sex date or 2 or 3, and it's not always age or hormone levels. Men are sensitive creatures too! They may take time to get comfortable and trusting enough to really let go.

And some circumcised men have issues, because of having been mutilated. Some even find erections to be painful, from a very drastic circ. Some have so little sensation, a condom kills their hard on.

I have heard men who are used to masturbation being counseled to stroke more lightly when jerking off, not using a tight "death grip." A man's strong hand can be somewhat tighter than a vagina. So a guy could gradually experiment with a lighter stroke or even just sort of flutter taps on the frenulum.
 
I had a boyfriend that was good with once a month.. it wasn't really for me.. we connected on a friendly level.. Now, my advice to myself is to get out early. I can't deal with never wanting sex with me.
 
Chrystee said:
I had a boyfriend that was good with once a month.. it wasn't really for me.. we connected on a friendly level.. Now, my advice to myself is to get out early. I can't deal with never wanting sex with me.
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Because all us men are good for is a hard penis?

LOL
 
Mostly sorted itself out. I told him one day that sex was something I needed in relationships I'm pursuing. He made one more valiant effort, but unsurprisingly the conversation only made the pressure worse. He's a little slow when he wants to be (ie when he doesn't want to hear what you have to say) so it took another two days before the breakup "took," after a second conversation where I simply said I only have friend feelings now (my body is really cooperative about turning off when pursuit is pointless, so the last attempt to fuck left me 100% cold for him).
 
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