Hello! I have been with my partner for about 6 months. The first 4 months were pretty lovely, he prioritized me and calmed my fears before I even had them. We discussed monogomy and I said I was open to exploring poly/ENM but all I knew was monogomy - he on the other hand said he had always preferred multiple partners. This is something I have been interested in exploring for awhile. Despite me telling him that I would like for him to do what makes him happy but to be transparent with each other about it he told me about 2.5 months in that he was not looking for anyone else and that he enjoyed me and didn't want to do anything to push me away (I repeated that if he felt like he wanted to see others to just tell me as I didn't want to squash his desires). About a month and some after he told me this I noticed things that led me to believe there was another person (if not more). Within the last 6 weeks the access and good treatment and prioritization I use to get/have has been very clearly given to another "primary" girl. She is his first option, gives her prioritization on dates and times to spend together... (ex: we made plans to spend time together on a day - we never specified time but a couple days before we were confirming plans and he gave me the morning/day time hours and she got the evening and overnight - as well as the affection and cuddles and sex). This is not the only instance where she has been given preference or I have been made the second option. It is really painful. I don't know what the verbage is for this (hierarchy?)... I was the main person and being displaced from that position is almost a deal breaker for me. I don't have to be the only main person but I need things like quality time and treatment to be pretty fair. Can anyone help explain what is happening from an outside perspective?
Important to note: I suspected she existed for about 2.5 months but just truly confirmed it about 2 weeks ago and it was done in a unethical way, which I have since admitted to my partner and apologized for. I think both of us feel a huge weight off of our shoulders that it is now in the open. My problem is not that she exists (I know there are others he pursues and sleeps with on top of her and myself) the problem I have is that we are not being treated equally. I have told him that I feel optional, not prioritized, and possibly even unwanted lately. He has been pretty consistent and stepped up some since the time I found out (which was a few days before I told him I knew) and I know that only his actions in the future will tell how this will play out.
Try not to judge him for the dishonesty surrounding the other person. I am guessing he has never truly had another partner that was actually open to polyamory.
Important to note: I suspected she existed for about 2.5 months but just truly confirmed it about 2 weeks ago and it was done in a unethical way, which I have since admitted to my partner and apologized for. I think both of us feel a huge weight off of our shoulders that it is now in the open. My problem is not that she exists (I know there are others he pursues and sleeps with on top of her and myself) the problem I have is that we are not being treated equally. I have told him that I feel optional, not prioritized, and possibly even unwanted lately. He has been pretty consistent and stepped up some since the time I found out (which was a few days before I told him I knew) and I know that only his actions in the future will tell how this will play out.
Try not to judge him for the dishonesty surrounding the other person. I am guessing he has never truly had another partner that was actually open to polyamory.
