New, from Scotland. trying to figure things out

F

Fogul

Member
Hi. I'm a 53 year old male (he/him) from Scotland, UK. I'm in a 31 year mono marriage and like the title says, I'm here trying to figure some stuff out, not least of which is whether some form of ENM might be right for me.

If you want to know more about me I've started a blog/journal of my journey here: https://polyamory.com/threads/allosexual-husband-of-an-asexual-wife-explores-options.156010/

If you've got time on your hands there's also a long thread here: https://polyamory.com/threads/is-an-open-marriage-right-for-us.155998/

I've already found the members here to be delightful people, more than willing to offer the benefit of their wisdom and experience to a dim-witted novice seeking greater understanding (of himself as much as of this world), so I look forward to more online interactions.
 
I'm new also, welcome! Cool to see someone from Scotland here, I'm Basque and Welsh which aren't actually that related to youse but I feel like we're cousins in a way.
 
Espoir said:
I'm new also, welcome! Cool to see someone from Scotland here, I'm Basque and Welsh which aren't actually that related to youse but I feel like we're cousins in a way.
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Thank you. I've certainly heard Basques being described as Celts, and the Welsh certainly are so that makes you pretty close to us Scots Celts.
 
Greetings Fogul,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I've been following your story, I hope to be of some help both on this thread and on other threads. I think an open marriage would be good for you, but of course your wife has to feel that way too. Perhaps the thing to do for now is to open a conversation with her about it. And that might be an ongoing conversation for quite a while. Let us know if we can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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Welcome aboard!
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings Fogul,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I've been following your story, I hope to be of some help both on this thread and on other threads. I think an open marriage would be good for you, but of course your wife has to feel that way too. Perhaps the thing to do for now is to open a conversation with her about it. And that might be an ongoing conversation for quite a while. Let us know if we can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)
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Thanks Kevin. You’re right. I need to have a conversation with my wife. I just need to make sure I’ve thought everything through first. Step one of that was joining here. Step two is a session with a therapist on Saturday and hopefully soon I’ll have everything sufficiently clear and thought through in my own head to not arse it up when I do.

It’s taken me 31 years to get here. I’m not about to mess it all up by rushing things now. However nor am I going to continue sitting on my hands, doing nothing about it for a moment longer than I need to.
 
It makes sense to me that you should take things slowly, make sure you have all your ducks in a row before you initiate this conversation with your wife. As long as you are not putting it off indefinitely, I think you are doing fine.
 
I’m also from Scotland and welcome you. I hope the ‘difficult’ conversation will only be so because it feels awkward going into unexplored terrain and you’re unsure how Joy will react. But conversation is the cornerstone of all successful relationships and particularly of polyamorous ones. So it’s unavoidable :) All you can do is start with expressing how much you love her and want to stay with her always, but you also need to explore how you can feel ‘whole’ yourself too - which for you means having a sexual relationship. I mentioned on your longer post that I’m here if you’d like a practice pal who’s not your therapist. That’s not me hitting on you btw just being friendly :)

PS re your perfectionism/don’t start, don’t fail thread - could just be being Scots of a certain age lol. I know a lot of other Scots men with similar challenges and to me it seems as much a Presbyterianism characteristic as guilt is to Catholicism. Please don’t take that as me attacking religion, no offence is intended, just an observation from the Lothians!
 
@MoPoly, thank you. I think you could be right about the Scottish trait or perfectionism. I do think it owes something to the way I was brought up. I think I was brought up never to show any kind of weakness or indeed softness and failure is weakness.
That and this need to always put others before myself, which I think of as Presbyterian stoicism.
 
Fogul said:
@MoPoly, thank you. I think you could be right about the Scottish trait or perfectionism. I do think it owes something to the way I was brought up. I think I was brought up never to show any kind of weakness or indeed softness and failure is weakness.
That and this need to always put others before myself, which I think of as Presbyterian stoicism.
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“Dad, I got 95% in the exam today!”
“So where was the other 5% Son?”
… or am I being too simplistic, lol!
 
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