New here, poly all my life, but....

S

sophie-brida

New member
Hello everyone. I'm new here. English is not my native language, so it won't be perfect.

My partner and I have been together now for 15 years. When I met him, he told me he had a girlfriend and he didn't want to break up with her. For a while he cheated on her. Then he and I found out about polyamory and the world got a little brighter. It is possible to love more than one person and not cheat. He felt he was polyamorous and I felt the same way.

At that time, he was the only person in my life, but all my life I felt a strong need to be free to get into more than one romantic relationship. We talked a lot about it. He opened up for his girlfriend and for 5 years we formed a V-shaped relationship. She and I became close friends, but had no romantic feelings. Their relationship ended, and for the last 10 years, my partner and I have been just the two of us. I thought we were both still open for polyamory. We talked about being able to love more than one person, but never did we talk about how that would work out for us. Big mistake...

Four months ago, I met a guy who I fell deeply in love with. I told my partner and he just freaked out. He got so jealous and scared-- it scared the hell out of me. I decided to, at least for the moment, cut off the contact with the guy I fell in love with and stay with my partner. That made me physically sick. I went on a short holiday on my own to think things over and came to the conclusion that I am polyamorous and I need to be able to live that way. I told my partner I had to be able to see this new guy in order for me to feel ok, once a week, for a couple of hours. My partner wanted to try to give me this space, although he wasn't happy about it.

A week ago he told me he can't do it anymore. He sort of expects me to just cut off the contact and live happily the way we did before I met this guy. But things have changed. All that time, I thought I had the freedom to get into other relationships. Cutting off the contact feels like cutting off part of myself. My partner says he can give me space for a poly lifestyle, but he can't handle the way this relationship started. He didn't expect it at all. I'm bi-sexual. I think he means that I can get into relationships with women, not men.

I would like to hear some opinions on this from poly people, since I don't have poly people around me...
 
Welcome to the board.

Well, of course it's clear your bf is being hypocritical. But perhaps, as you said, you two didn't discuss things enough to draw up an agreement beyond him having you and that other gf. He just thought, once she was out of the picture, you two were then mono. You thought you were open, non-monogamous, polyamorous, and so was he, and so you could both date any others of your choice.

It does seem kinda crazy that, after 15 years, you'd have this big disconnect. That sounds horribly upsetting!

As for your last point, that you think he thinks that because you're bi, he'd feel better about you dating other women, but not men, that is a very common feeling for men to have in this, our patriarchal society. Men generally feel less threatened by "their woman" dating another woman instead of a man. They've been taught that it makes them seem weak and a cuckold to have "let" "their woman" have sex with another man. But if she has sex with another woman? That's just hot.

So does it seem like he's really done? He's drawn an ultimatum: you must choose him or the new guy.

Think deeply about this. Do you want to give up a 15-year relationship (and I assume it's a pretty good one) for a guy you've only known four months? You're in NRE (new relationship energy), infatuated. It is an intense time. Your hormones are at high alert in this exciting time with this guy. But he's untested. Will he really work out? You don't know.

What do you want to do? Do you want a suggestion? You could take a break from new guy and do some work with your long-term partner, and give him time to get used to knowing you're attracted to and dating another man. Ask him what he's afraid of, exactly. Many men are afraid the other guy has a bigger penis, a better job, more money, better bedroom skills, be funnier, more charming, and so on. Men can be very competitive.

Of course, another woman could have a better job, more money, better bedroom skills, be funnier, more charming, and have a penis-shaped dildo that stays hard all night, but men don't seem to think of that.

Would he be willing to meet you halfway, give it a defined time limit, to try and get on the same page? Would you be willing to do that?
 
The whole situation is realy upsetting. If we hadn't talked about being poly all those years I would understand it a little better. But we have been talking about it. Being mono feels unnatural for both of us. At least, that's what we both said to each other and to people we got talking about it.

I feel so puzzeled. I don't NEED another person in my life. I was happy being just with my partner for 10 years. I do need the freedom to, when I meet someone special, get into a relationship with that person. I'm not looking for a third. It's just that the connection I have with this guy, feels like I have to be with him. So quitting with new guy, getting things settled with my partner and then start looking for another new guy isn't going to work for me. I know it is NRE that I'm going through, I'm aware of that.

At the moment my partner doesn't realy want to talk. Every tiny hint towards me being poly and wanting to talk about it is enough to get him angry and too much in a panic to have a constructive conversation. I wish we had talked this all over a lot better during our relationship...
 
sophie-brida said:
The whole situation is really upsetting. If we hadn't talked about being poly all those years I would understand it a little better. But we have been talking about it. Being mono feels unnatural for both of us. At least, that's what we both said to each other and to people we got talking about it.

I feel so puzzled. I don't NEED another person in my life. I was happy being just with my partner for 10 years. I do need the freedom to, when I meet someone special, get into a relationship with that person. I'm not looking for a third. It's just that the connection I have with this guy, feels like I have to be with him. So quitting with new guy, getting things settled with my partner and then start looking for another new guy isn't going to work for me. I know it is NRE that I'm going through, I'm aware of that.
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No, I didn't mean to break up with New Guy, work out poly agreements with Nesting Partner, and then find another new bf. I meant to take a break from the New Guy for say, 4 weeks, tell your Nesting Partner you need to get on the same page, that you're willing to give it 4 weeks of conscious restructuring, and then you will start dating New Guy again.

Honestly, to many, polyamory in theory can seem great, but the actual reality of it may turn out to be horrible (for one reason or another, but often because of jealousy). But the truth is, you're not really poly unless you can at least tolerate your partner or partners having other partners of their own. It was all fine for your Nesting Partner when HE had two women, but you having two men is somehow the worst thing in the world... I'm sorry this is happening.
sophie-brida said:
At the moment my partner doesn't really want to talk. Every tiny hint towards me being poly and wanting to talk about it is enough to get him angry and too much in a panic to have a constructive conversation. I wish we had talked this all over a lot better during our relationship...
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I guess it's been four months since you started dating New Guy, and Nesting Partner is still angry and panicking. The book Opening Up suggests that poly can trigger deep childhood memories of loss, for example, something like being an only child for x number of years, and then a sibling coming along. It can actually take therapy to process certain traumas that polyamory can trigger.
 
Greetings sophie-brida,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Hmmmm, I guess it's possible your partner wanted you to limit your outside relationships to women, to be honest it doesn't seem like you're getting the clarity/honesty from him that you deserve. He previously led you to believe that he is okay with polyamory; at that time he had his opportunity to say, "But I only want you to see women." It's on him that he didn't say it. Anyway, the situation is now that he is consenting but in an unhappy way. You'll have to decide whether that suffices for you. I know you've been with him for 15 years, but that doesn't mean you couldn't break up. It's up to you. I hope Polyamory.com can be of some help to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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kdt26417 said:
He previously led you to believe that he is okay with polyamory; at that time he had his opportunity to say, "But I only want you to see women." It's on him that he didn't say it. Anyway, the situation is now that he is consenting but in an unhappy way. You'll have to decide whether that suffices for you. I know you've been with him for 15 years, but that doesn't mean you couldn't break up.
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We did talk about that a little bit in the past. He told me a couple of times that he would be okay with me seeing a woman and that he would find it more difficult if it were a man. More difficult, to me, doesn't sound like impossible. But I'm afraid that's where we are at the moment.

I'm not sure if a short break with new guy would help in any way. When I told my partner about new guy he replied he and his former girlfriend had had so much stress trying to meet each other's needs, and in the end splitting up, that he decided he doesn't want to go through that again. He didn't tell me about that decision though... I don't blame him. Its just that he made this decision years ago and he doesn't seem to be willing to think it over now. He tried to give me the space I needed. He and new guy met each other a couple of weeks ago. I suggested that it might be easier for my partner if he knew who was "at the other side," so new guy went over for a visit. I'm afraid that worked out the wrong way.

It's hard to see my partner being so afraid and tired. And I'm afraid and tired too...
 
I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time right now. It seems that your partner has somewhat misrepresented his position over the years. For one thing, he did not tell you, "I do not want to do the poly thing anymore." I understand he is upset now and suffering, but he should have told you that and at the least his failure to do so was a mistake on his part.
 
Two months ago I asked my partner if he would have ANY space for me to be in a poly relationship with a man. We didn't talk about it until last week. I asked him again and he said: not really. Yesterday he said that maybe there would be space for a sexual relationship, but not a romantic one. And absolutely not with New Guy, because he feels betrayed by him.

I'm devastated... I don't want to lose my partner. But I need to be able to get into romantic relationships if they occur. And I really want to be with New Guy... How did we end up in this situation...?
 
Okay. So now you know. Your NP is definitely not into doing polyamory with you. However, you feel like you want the freedom to be poly. It sounds like you are no longer compatible with NP.

You wouldn't be leaving him for New Guy. You'd be leaving NP for yourself, your own values, desires, needs.

It's best to make a clean break as soon as ever you can. Dragging it out any longer sounds kind of pointless. I am very sorry. I went through the same thing, so I understand.
 
I'm sorry it's come to this. It does sound like breaking up with your NP would be for the best in the long run.
 
It took way too long, but I finally broke up with NP. I feel totally lost now. It felt so wrong to end a relationship with someone I love so much. Everything was right in our relationship except for him to let me have another man in my life. I tried to push my feelings away and live with NP, but I felt worse and worse. I feel I had to make this decision. Although I'm crying my heart out at the moment...
 
I'm sorry for your pain, break ups are brutal. Take the time and tears you need, but also keep it forefront that you did the right thing. Your future will be a better fit for you. I hope you keep posting here whenever you wish.
 
I'm so sorry dear, I hope you get feeling better but I know that will probably take a long time. Thank you for that update. It sounds like you and NP were perfect for each other in every way, except for this one little thing. Which was not so little.
 
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