New member in a deep mess

patrolman

New member
Hello! I just joined this forum. I'm a 40-year old man and I’ve been in a relationship with the same person for the last 20 years. About 3 years ago we started to see other people as well. Until that point, we had been completely monogamous. The first year was rough, we had just started to learn how to deal with all of this, but we managed, and eventually it felt like a natural way of living for us.

Early on, my partner had met a man that she continued to see every now and then. Mostly our encounters were about sex at the time, but this guy stood out and it progressed to some sort of relationship between them. They saw each other semi-regularly and did some holiday trips together, even abroad. I never met him, until the end of last year. At that point they had already known each other for almost two years I believe, and things were becoming more serious. We of course knew about each other as well. Just as I knew that my partner had been seeing him for quite some time, he knew about me and our "open relationship". He seemed to be ok with it.

We got along really good - the three of us. I became good friends with the man. He was not poly in a sense, and at times he even seemed to be quite traditional, but at heart he was open for this. He had a somewhat troubled past, as he was a widow and he had a son who was not really ready for his dad to meet other people, not to mention seeing poly people! There were some other issues as well. Because all of this, he didn’t really include us in his life, not the way we included him into ours. We introduced him to our kids, to our friends and relatives. We believed that the openness we showed him would eventually be matched from his side. He was not in an intimate relationship with me, just with my partner, so it was more like a V-shaped thing.

Fast forward to present. Less than two weeks ago we learned that the man we had welcomed to our lives with open heart and love, turned out to be someone else he said he was. He had lied about his name, his age, his place of work, his past, his home, his dead wife (who was not dead), the number of kids he has, you name it. About absolutely everything! Well, almost everything. The feelings he had were genuine, the feelings they had for each other. Nonetheless, he had been living a double life.

There is of course no excuse for what he did. He hurt plenty of people, his wife and my partner most notably. It’s about the most unethical thing you can think of (Yes, I’ve been reading More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory). It was a real shock to us! Hindsight, it’s all too obvious, but I have to say I never questioned him, not about who he was. After he was exposed, he has told us “everything” and for what I know, he has been honest. He has also expressed remorse and he knows how much he has hurt us, and his wife. I haven’t yet met him face to face. I don’t think either one of us has dared to do it. I’m planning to meet him soon though.

My partner and him have been going through this together. Now it looks like my partner is willing to continue, to go forward with him, as long as there are no more lies and they can openly have a relationship. This of course means that he needs to come clean with his wife as well, rather sooner than later. I’m not convinced that it will happen, but who knows? As you might imagine, I'm somewhat short on trust right now. Anyhow, I’m having some difficulty dealing with all of this. It’s clear my partner loves him, and I do believe he loves her as well. Can this work anymore, between the three of us?

I’ve never felt this betrayed in my life ever before. I can’t believe my partner is willing to see past this. I don’t want to lose her, so I guess that’s something I need to accept. I hope I can do that. I also hope I can get over my own rage. The last thing I want is to make her choose between us. I hope that at some point I’m able to forgive and to get to know this man (again), the real him. I do believe that the things we shared, the things that were not directly connected to his identity, were always true. I also understand how everything came to be, how it started with a simple lie on a dating site, and how at some point it just had gone too far. It’s clear it was not planned, though it’s unclear how somebody is able to pull that kind of stunt off for that long!

Oh, and to make things even worse… sex. My partner and I are into some dom/sub play, me being submissive. Cuckolding could be one word to describe it, maybe not the best, but you get the idea given the context. For the past year, He has been part of our sex life as well, not physically (except for few times), but emotionally, especially for me. Now this thing has screwed everything up in that department as well.

So, that’s my story. Things are still unfolding and each day I seem to feel differently about things. So does my partner, but like I said, she is much more tolerant it seems. I feel like there was a good thing happening between us - before the lies. I was able to picture a happy life and future for all of us. Now I’m not sure. I want to be ok with this..
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Sorry this is happening. There's a lot going on here.

That someone could live a lie for that long says a lot about their character, and it's not anything good. Personally, I'm not sure I could trust a person like that again.

Your partner's willingness to keep going forward is predicated on her boyfriend coming clean with his wife. I'd say the chances are slim and none that will work out well. If he's completely honest? Can you imagine being told that your partner claimed you were dead so they could cheat on you? I can't imagine any woman being okay with that. Chances are she will either want to divorce, or she will demand he call off his cheating relationship. I put the chances at near zero that she will be okay with it and agree to try poly.

So, is he willing to give up his marriage to be with your wife?
 

patrolman

New member
I have hard time believing he is willing to give up his marriage (even if it was dysfunctional). But like I said, I might be wrong. He has expressed that he will let his wife know about the whole situation, and he also acknowledges that it will almost certainly be the end of their marriage. His words. Of course he hopes that somehow they too can continue, as poly or even just as friends (good luck with that). I guess we will know soon, however it plays out. I'm not sure what outcome I'm hoping for..
 

mf1438

New member
It's hard to build a relationship when there is lack of honesty and trust. Putting all the cards on the table is definitely a good first step.
 

GalaGirl

Active member
Wow. :oops:

I don't know his reasons for choosing to lie and lead a double life. I can only imagine how hurt you and wife must feel at the discovery of it. I'm so sorry this is happening. :(

My partner and him have been going through this together. Now it looks like my partner is willing to continue, to go forward with him, as long as there are no more lies and they can openly have a relationship. This of course means that he needs to come clean with his wife as well, rather sooner than later.

I don't know that I could be willing to continue. It's not like one time, near the beginning. I could forgive nervousness and being new to poly dating. But basically lying to me for TWO YEARS about everything? Dang.

I know people who are willing and able can work overcome cheating, infidelity, and other things and work to rebuild trust.

Me? I'm only willing for certain things. Other things? My way of coping is to forgive, let go, and NOT continue together.

Not willing to try again. Not even if able. Because lying is a big deal breaker to me.

I think you could let yourself grieve, do your soul searching, and decide if you want to try again in this V or not. Decide where YOU land.

And if it ends up your wife wants to continue with this guy and you don't want any part of him? You may have to think about bowing out with wife. Because she's taking the Poly Bus to places you don't want to visit. So you are getting off at this bus stop now.

That's not making wife choose. That is you choosing for yourself.

I’m not convinced that it will happen, but who knows? As you might imagine, I'm somewhat short on trust right now. Anyhow, I’m having some difficulty dealing with all of this. It’s clear my partner loves him, and I do believe he loves her as well. Can this work anymore, between the three of us?

Sometimes love alone is not enough. Love is not the only thing that makes up a healthy relationship. He's not ticking some of the boxes.



To lie to me for two years while telling me you love me? That's not respectful behavior to me. It's not healthy relating to me.

I’ve never felt this betrayed in my life ever before. I can’t believe my partner is willing to see past this.

Of course you feel betrayed. This is big!

Keep in mind you both just found out and may be going through stages of grief in different ways of unfolding. She could be in one of the other stages while you sound like you are in the anger stage. Everyone responds to deep betrayal, grief, trauma differently.
  • denial (<-- is she here?)
  • anger (<--- you seem here)
  • bargaining (<-- is she here?)
  • depression
  • acceptance
I don’t want to lose her, so I guess that’s something I need to accept. I hope I can do that. I also hope I can get over my own rage.The last thing I want is to make her choose between us.

This JUST happened, and you both have to process it all.

But I will remind that you actually don't have to accept whatever comes along just because you are married. You do have your deal breakers.

If you partner picks out wonky people to be with and you don't like that and don't want these people in your poly network? It's a deal breaker? You can stop picking her out to be with.

Breaking up a marriage is not a rush decision. But don't lock yourself into a yucky situation either because you don't "want to make her choose." You could come at it from "What is healthy for me?" instead.

Each one of you three was choosing to participate here in this poly V thing. For you all to share that poly bus ride? All have to choose to ride the bus. You are free to get off the bus any time you choose. It's about continuing consent -- it belongs to YOU. If this bus trip is going to weird places now? You can get off the bus.

I suggest you consider a counselor to help your with the anger/rage and for extra support during this weird if you can.

I hope that at some point I’m able to forgive and to get to know this man (again), the real him. I do believe that the things we shared, the things that were not directly connected to his identity, were always true. I also understand how everything came to be, how it started with a simple lie on a dating site, and how at some point it just had gone too far. It’s clear it was not planned, though it’s unclear how somebody is able to pull that kind of stunt off for that long!

I hope you arrive at the place you want to be. Note those can be two separate toggles.
  • Hoping at some point to be able to forgive this man.
  • Hoping to get to know the real him.
Me? I tend to forgive. But I don't forget. And even if things were good for a time? If it was based on lies, then it wasn't real relationship to me. I can understand bumps in the road at the beginning, but lying for 2 years is a pretty big deal.

I prefer to be with people of stronger character. Who have values like honesty, integrity, resilience, courage. And don't just talk, but actually walk the walk.

I suggest in your soul searching you think about the kind of people you want to be around and the kind of people you don't want to be around.

Because this situation has a spectrum. There's probably other levels in between. But roughly...
  • I hate you. Go to hell.
  • I don't like you. Go away.
  • I don't wish you ill, I don't wish you well. I don't know what made you do that and I do not care to know. Goodbye.
  • I like you. I'm willing to hear what happened and what led to this. I'm willing to rebuild trust and be good exes and friends.
  • I like you you. I'm willing to hear what happened and what led to this. I'm willing to rebuild trust and continue as lovers.
Could give time to settle and figure out where you land. Wife can figure out where wife lands.

Then you see if those two things are compatible or not for you and wife to be able to continue together.

So, that’s my story. Things are still unfolding and each day I seem to feel differently about things. So does my partner, but like I said, she is much more tolerant it seems. I feel like there was a good thing happening between us - before the lies. I was able to picture a happy life and future for all of us. Now I’m not sure. I want to be ok with this..

It's normal to feel something different every day -- like the ripple effect of the shock and all. It is very stormy skies right now. Try to weather it out. Over time as things calm and as you heal you will become more ok.

Whether or not this person continues in your life.

Again... I'm so sorry this happened. :(

Galagirl
 
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icesong

Member
I think in some ways this may be easier to work through if you *do* acknowledge that even if it wasn't romantic, given your friendship AND the fact that you did have a sort of... para-sexual relationship with him via the hotwife/cuckold dynamic, you DO have a relationship that was betrayed here.
It wasn't just V-shaped, in the way a parallel poly relationship would have been.

And I'm curious - I understand, though I think it's unethical, why he lied about his wife and even name and place of work. But some of his other lies - age? number of children? those seem... wildly irrelevant to keeping his secrets and going into "lying for the sake of lying". Did he explain *why* he lied about so much beyond what he had to? I think the answer to that question might shed some light on whether or not moving forward with this person is something you want to do.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings patrolman,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
It seems to me that there are six major factors here; things that must be determined.

  • Why did this man lie to you?
  • How can you know when/whether he is telling the truth now?
  • Will he come clean with his wife?
  • When?
  • Will his wife be willing to go along with the polyamorous situation?
  • If she's not willing, will they get a divorce?

You seem to have a sincere desire to forgive and forget, so I am going to assume (for now) that eventually you will forgive and forget. Your partner seems to have already forgiven and forgotten. I am assuming (for now) that you are willing to stay with your partner, and accept her decisions. So that just leaves the above bullet list. Things you have to know, in order to go forward. Perhaps you don't need to know them all instantly, but it would help if you could know them soon.

You're probably in something of a state of shock right now. As well as anger. You need some time to get past the surreality of the situation, before you can put your thoughts together in a way that is calm, and makes sense. For awhile, everything you think is going to have a bizarre aura about it. This is a normal way for you to respond to the very abnormal conditions that have been put before you. So cut yourself some slack; you need time to process all of this.

I hope the posts here are helping so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Hey, GalaGirl, he didn't say they were married. I'm not even sure they live together. It's a quibble, but it could make things just a tiny bit easier.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I'm so sorry for your loss, Patrolman. What a horrible shock! I can relate, as I also found out horrible things about a male lover after 2+ years of a relationship. It threw me for a loop. It was unforgivable.

I just... you say he was "exposed." He slipped up somehow in his lies, finally? Ugh. This seems unforgivable. Give your partner time though. She has soft feelings for the guy. They won't go away overnight. It might take time for the betrayal to sink in. She loves and illusion, a persona.

How would you determine whether he comes clean to his wife or not?

Some people lie just for the fun of lying... the thrill of getting away with it.
 

patrolman

New member
Wow. I appreciate all the feedback and support. I'm actually a bit overwhelmed by it. Thank you. I need some time to process this, the situation in generally and all the things presented in this thread. You gave me a lot to think about! I was originally a bit scared to share this, not really sure why, maybe because I was afraid all the focus would be in hating the person who lied to us, and that's not what I really want or need.

Joining a poly-community such as this was actually suggested to me by my occupational psychologist who I met a few days ago (not because of this incident originally but of course this took priority).

Some tidbits:
* Me and my partner are not legally married, but in every other meaningful way we are. We have kids together, a house, mortgage... everything.
* The lying started because the man was cheating on his wife and was only looking to have some fun. Faking a widower was just to get some sympathy, to get attention on a dating site. It sickens me to even think about it. I guess his original idea was, that it's not really important who he is, as there was no intent to get emotionally involved with anyone. Of course all this speaks volumes of his true character and we really need to consider it...
* Why the lying was so extensive, why faking a name wasn't enough? That I need to ask him about. I guess it might be, because there was a woman before my partner, who he saw a few times, but who then ultimately figured out he was cheating, and it ended immediately. With her, there were fewer lies. Maybe he didn't want to repeat the same mistake? Interestingly enough, he told about this woman to us from the beginning. Of course he didn't explain why it ended or any of the details. We have since been in contact with her and verified some of the things he has said after he was exposed. Everything checked out.
* He didn't come clean on his own. We happened to overhear someone greeting him with a different first name, and figured everything out by ourselves the following night. That's a night to remember for sure... The following morning we confronted him and he broke down and told everything. We had already figured most of it out already though.
* Why he didn't come clean at any point? He was afraid that he would lose both women (and my friendship) if the truth came out. At the same time he knew that this can't go on forever. He was literally falling to pieces himself dealing with all the guilt and shame and lying. It started to show for us too. It probably was showing for her wife too. Would be nice to meet her at some point, if she is ever willing to do that.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
It sounds like things started for this man with just wanting a bit of fun, he probably didn't realize that things would develop into such a heavy relationship. And by the time they did, he was buried too deep in his web of untruths to extricate himself. I am able to have sympathy for his position, while at the same time I can see why you are as upset about it as you are. You'll have to have a more in-depth talk with him when you get the chance.
 

GalaGirl

Active member
Me and my partner are not legally married, but in every other meaningful way we are. We have kids together, a house, mortgage... everything.

Thank you for clarifying. I wasn't sure if you were legally married, common law marriage, long term partners, or some kind of combo or things.

The lying started because the man was cheating on his wife and was only looking to have some fun. Faking a widower was just to get some sympathy, to get attention on a dating site. It sickens me to even think about it. I guess his original idea was, that it's not really important who he is, as there was no intent to get emotionally involved with anyone. Of course all this speaks volumes of his true character and we really need to consider it...

So he lied about being a widower to get sex easier? Not really caring about the person on the other end, just looking to score some sex? Nrgh. That's not looking for "fun" to me That's cheating on his wife. And behaving like a user toward the people he was deceiving.

Interestingly enough, he told about this woman to us from the beginning. Of course he didn't explain why it ended or any of the details.

So "widower" pity points and "my gf dumped" pity points to fish for the next one or secure one? While leaving out he is actually married and the ex-girlfriend figured out he was a cheater and that's why she ended it?

DO consider his character moving forward.

I agree with Mag. Your wife may have soft feelings for the illusion man he built for her. Learning about the "real him" (the illusion builder) is a shocker because it means he was leading a double life. So she might be going through some funk wanting to cling to the illusion man because learning to see without the rose colored glasses at the "real him" who lied to her so much might makes her feel stupid for falling for it. She might not be ready to take the rose colored glasses off just yet. It could part of the "denial" stage of grief.

Even as you move through your own grief stages? Remember she has to move through them her own way and it won't be like yours. She was being duped as a lover longer than you were being duped as a kink play partner. Watch your anger and don't aim it at her head like "Why can't you see this was a X?! Are you crazy!?" kinda stuff.

She's already been hurt. Don't pile on more hurt.

And do take care of you too. Have regular sleep, meals, exercise, work schedules so those areas have some stability while other areas are thrown for a loop.

Why the lying was so extensive, why faking a name wasn't enough? That I need to ask him about.

I get you might want to know why. But what would make him give you an honest answer?

Why he didn't come clean at any point? He was afraid that he would lose both women (and my friendship) if the truth came out.

So what mattered to him the most was gaining access to people for extramarital sex even if it means cheating on his wife. And then having obtained it, what mattered most was maintaining continued access to the women and to you so he could get stuff he wanted from each. Is that it? If so, sounds kinda user-y to me. Whether on purpose or one poor choice after another? It's still not treating people kindly or respectfully.

Be careful of fake apologies while sorting this all out. Like busy putting on a good show of apology, but not actually sincere and not taking personal responsibility. Just busy trying not to lose his access to the people.

At the same time he knew that this can't go on forever. He was literally falling to pieces himself dealing with all the guilt and shame and lying. It started to show for us too. It probably was showing for her wife too.

We are all free to choose our actions. We are not free from consequences of our actions.

If leading a double life and lying so much was stressful for him? Could have come clean sooner. But nope.

I don't know him and I'm not gonna hate on the guy. But I can't say I admire his way of going in his relationships. This all sounds like really poor behavior, weak character, and wonky values.

If you all choose to try to rebuild, think carefully on what needs to happen to develop a better relationship, build trust, make amends, etc.

And carefully think if you are all willing AND able.

Because it doesn't matter if all are able, if some are no longer willing. Like heart just not in in any more.

And it doesn't matter if all willing, but not actually able because they lack character, relationship skills, trustworthiness, etc.

Would be nice to meet her at some point, if she is ever willing to do that.

That might be slim odds.

His wife might prefer to distance herself from him and all his cheating affair partner people even if he was snowing them too. Just so she can have a healing time and a new start away from all the mess. Or a condition of continuing the marriage for her might be working on trust and cutting ties with all his previous people. But their marriage is their stuff to sort out and not yours. Let them deal with that.

Again, I'm so sorry this happened. I cannot even imagine the pain you and your own wife must be going through along with trying to process all of this.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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patrolman

New member
All right. Things have calmed down. I have calmed down. I met him (alone) some days ago and we talked. It was a long and at times even somewhat heated conversation, but a good one. I was absolutely exhausted when it was over, but the next day I felt really good about it. I feel like I was able to express myself and what's even more important, I feel like lived up to my own values. I didn't deny my feelings but at the same time I was able to connect in a human level. I was heard, and I listened. I still don't completely understand everything, and I suppose I never will. I do still have my guards up, but I also feel like he is not a complete stranger after all.

I'm sure I (we) are able to move on, whatever the direction is.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi patrolman, thanks for that update. It sounds like you are on the road to being okay with this. That is good to hear. Like you are able to stick to your ethical code, but at the same time connect with this man in a way that says he is not a total stranger. I'm sure as you have more talks in the future, things will continue to improve. Hang in there.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
All right. Things have calmed down. I have calmed down. I met him (alone) some days ago and we talked. It was a long and at times somewhat heated conversation, but a good one. I was absolutely exhausted when it was over, but the next day I felt really good about it. I felt like I was able to express myself, and what's even more important, I felt like lived up to my own values. I didn't deny my feelings, but at the same time I was able to connect on a human level. I was heard, and I listened.

I still don't completely understand everything, and I suppose I never will. I do still have my guard up, but I also feel like he is not a complete stranger after all.

I'm sure we will be able to move on, whatever the direction is.

When you say "we," do you mean him and yourself, or include your wife in this hope? You can take a step back from this lying liar, and/or cut ties completely, but is she willing to? Are you willing to give her as much time as she needs to heal, or break up with him, or whatever she decides to do?

What if she won't break up with him? What if she waffles and stresses for many months? Will that go against your values? What will you do then?
 

patrolman

New member
When you say "we," do you mean him and yourself, or include your wife in this hope? You can take a step back from this lying liar, and/or cut ties completely, but is she willing to? Are you willing to give her as much time as she needs to heal, or break up with him, or whatever she decides to do?

What if she won't break up with him? What if she waffles and stresses for many months? Will that go against your values? What will you do then?

Originally by we I meant me and my partner, but I guess I was talking mostly about myself. I cannot speak for anyone else in this situation. I'll try to keep this in mind.

If he keeps his promise to let his wife know what is going on, my partner is willing to continue with him, or at least open up for the possibility. There's a deadline set for this (by him!). I'm ok with this, as long as he takes that step. Actions triumph words. If / when that happens, I'm sure it'll take some time to really see how it goes and what happens between him and my partner. There's so many variables that no one can really predict the outcome. The wife is a complete mystery to me for now.

If he doesn't let his wife know by the end of the deadline, I hope my partner ends things swiftly. If she doesn't, and they somehow end up having a cheating relationship, that's something I'm not ok with. That is against my values. I'm quite confident it doesn't come to that, but I'm aware it is possible. If that happens, I guess it's up to me and my partner to discuss what to do (between ourselves). But like I said, I'm very confident it doesn't come to that.

Even though he broke my trust badly, I want to forgive him. I know I don't need to. However, even after all he has done, I sense that deep down he is a good person. I cannot really defend that, it's just how I feel. I don't want to let this solely define him forever in my eyes, if that makes sense? Anyhow, that's my choice. I don't want to hold a grudge if I can help it. At least I need to give it a try, to be open to the possibility. If I don't do that, well that's definitely against my values. We don't need to be friends, but I kind of hope we could be, especially if things progress between my partner and him. With this, I hereby grant any one of you to say to me "I told you so", if things go south (again) :) Fool me once, fool me twice...

I still have doubts, and my feelings tend to change on a daily basis, but in the long run, I think this is what everything is gravitating towards to. Future is still unknown.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
We like people to choose nicknames for their partners and metas. I'll choose a few generic names, but you can change them if you want, of course. It just makes it much easier for other members if you refer to people by name, rather than by your relationship with them.

Originally, by we, I meant Jane and me, but I guess I was talking mostly about myself. I cannot speak for anyone else in this situation. I'll try to keep this in mind.

If John keeps his promise to let Amber (his wife) know what is going on, Jane is willing to continue with him, or at least be open to the possibility. There's a deadline set for this (by him). I'm OK with this, as long as he takes that step. Actions trump words. If/when that happens, I'm sure it'll take some time to really see how it will go, and what will happen between John and Jane. There are so many variables, that no one can really predict the outcome. Amber is a complete mystery to me, for now.

If John doesn't let Amber know by the end of the deadline, I hope Jane ends things swiftly. If she doesn't, and they somehow end up having a cheating relationship, that's something I would not be OK with. That is against my values. I'm quite confident it won't come to that, but I'm aware it is possible. If that happens, I guess it's up to Jane and me to discuss what to do, between ourselves. But like I said, I'm very confident it won't come to that.

Even though John broke my trust badly, I want to forgive him. I know I don't need to. However, even after all he has done, I sense that deep down he is a good person. I cannot really defend that, it's just how I feel. I don't want to let this solely define him forever in my eyes, if that makes sense. Anyhow, that's my choice. I don't want to hold a grudge if I can help it. At least I need to give it a try, to be open to the possibility. If I don't do that, well, that's definitely against my values. We don't need to be friends, but I kind of hope we can be, especially if things progress between Jane and him.

With this, I hereby grant any one of you to say to me "I told you so", if things go south (again). Fool me once, fool me twice...

I still have doubts, and my feelings tend to change on a daily basis, but in the long run, I think this is what everything is gravitating towards toward. The future is still unknown.

John might tell Amber, his wife, that he has been cheating on her, for 2 years, with a MF couple. Most likely, she will hit the roof and their marriage will be in deep shit. In most cheating cases, the betrayed spouse will insist their spouse break up immediately with their cheating partner(s). Added to this, John is/was in a cuckold type relationship, which shows a bit of a bisexual aspect. Amber most probably does not realize John had these desires, which adds to the mess.

Usually, what has to happen first is healing and rebuilding of trust. Generally, a serious commitment to marriage counseling is required. Even if, after all that, Amber agrees to an Open relationship, she may demand it not be with Jane or you. I don't hold out much hope for anything healthy and adult here. Even if Amber is the submissive type, and John insists on continuing with you and Jane, there will be tons of resentment, whether it is outward, or subsumed into passive aggressive behaviors.
 

patrolman

New member
I was thinking about nicknames, and I would've used John myself! So let's go with these.

At the moment John is quite convinced that his marriage will come to an end as a result of this. He has already been checking out new places to live etc. We have both said it's premature, but that's how he is. According to John, Amber is not open to open relationships. Again, I've not met Amber or spoken to her, so I don't know anything for a fact at the moment. John has said that they have had problems in their relationship (duh), and they were actually separated when he met Jane, but it was only temporary and they got back to living together quite soon. I have gotten an impression that they are/were both unhappy in their lives. Have they truly tried to make things work between them, I don't know. In any case, if Amber decides that she wants to work things out with John, then it's pretty obvious that things between John and Jane (and me) cannot really continue, or at least it will be really messy like you said. It will probably be very messy in every possible case.

I don't know what to say about the cuckold thing. I actually introduced John to the whole concept, he had already been seeing Jane for a long time before we got introduced, so I'm not really sure how much John really has these desires himself, or how much it was about pleasing Jane. He has not been very adventurous sexually in his past life, so all this was very new to him. I think meeting Jane really opened his eyes for many things. He seemed like he was into cuckolding too, but it definitely wasn't the main thing between the three of us, and in the end, it kind of withered down. But so did the whole relationship, due to the impossible situation caused by the lies.

This things is tearing my soul apart. I'm having a really difficult time. I just hope things would progress into any direction soon.
 

patrolman

New member
Should I create a new topic to some different part of the forum? I feel like this is getting somewhat out of boundaries from the "introduction" label.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Should I create a new topic to some different part of the forum? I feel like this is getting somewhat out of boundaries from the "introduction" label.

You certainly can, if you like. You can post in the Relationships section for more feedback, or start a blog in Journals just to keep track of developments and your feelings. It would be helpful to include a link to this thread for reference.
 
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