Hello! I just joined this forum. I'm a 40-year old man and I’ve been in a relationship with the same person for the last 20 years. About 3 years ago we started to see other people as well. Until that point, we had been completely monogamous. The first year was rough, we had just started to learn how to deal with all of this, but we managed, and eventually it felt like a natural way of living for us.
Early on, my partner had met a man that she continued to see every now and then. Mostly our encounters were about sex at the time, but this guy stood out and it progressed to some sort of relationship between them. They saw each other semi-regularly and did some holiday trips together, even abroad. I never met him, until the end of last year. At that point they had already known each other for almost two years I believe, and things were becoming more serious. We of course knew about each other as well. Just as I knew that my partner had been seeing him for quite some time, he knew about me and our "open relationship". He seemed to be ok with it.
We got along really good - the three of us. I became good friends with the man. He was not poly in a sense, and at times he even seemed to be quite traditional, but at heart he was open for this. He had a somewhat troubled past, as he was a widow and he had a son who was not really ready for his dad to meet other people, not to mention seeing poly people! There were some other issues as well. Because all of this, he didn’t really include us in his life, not the way we included him into ours. We introduced him to our kids, to our friends and relatives. We believed that the openness we showed him would eventually be matched from his side. He was not in an intimate relationship with me, just with my partner, so it was more like a V-shaped thing.
Fast forward to present. Less than two weeks ago we learned that the man we had welcomed to our lives with open heart and love, turned out to be someone else he said he was. He had lied about his name, his age, his place of work, his past, his home, his dead wife (who was not dead), the number of kids he has, you name it. About absolutely everything! Well, almost everything. The feelings he had were genuine, the feelings they had for each other. Nonetheless, he had been living a double life.
There is of course no excuse for what he did. He hurt plenty of people, his wife and my partner most notably. It’s about the most unethical thing you can think of (Yes, I’ve been reading More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory). It was a real shock to us! Hindsight, it’s all too obvious, but I have to say I never questioned him, not about who he was. After he was exposed, he has told us “everything” and for what I know, he has been honest. He has also expressed remorse and he knows how much he has hurt us, and his wife. I haven’t yet met him face to face. I don’t think either one of us has dared to do it. I’m planning to meet him soon though.
My partner and him have been going through this together. Now it looks like my partner is willing to continue, to go forward with him, as long as there are no more lies and they can openly have a relationship. This of course means that he needs to come clean with his wife as well, rather sooner than later. I’m not convinced that it will happen, but who knows? As you might imagine, I'm somewhat short on trust right now. Anyhow, I’m having some difficulty dealing with all of this. It’s clear my partner loves him, and I do believe he loves her as well. Can this work anymore, between the three of us?
I’ve never felt this betrayed in my life ever before. I can’t believe my partner is willing to see past this. I don’t want to lose her, so I guess that’s something I need to accept. I hope I can do that. I also hope I can get over my own rage. The last thing I want is to make her choose between us. I hope that at some point I’m able to forgive and to get to know this man (again), the real him. I do believe that the things we shared, the things that were not directly connected to his identity, were always true. I also understand how everything came to be, how it started with a simple lie on a dating site, and how at some point it just had gone too far. It’s clear it was not planned, though it’s unclear how somebody is able to pull that kind of stunt off for that long!
Oh, and to make things even worse… sex. My partner and I are into some dom/sub play, me being submissive. Cuckolding could be one word to describe it, maybe not the best, but you get the idea given the context. For the past year, He has been part of our sex life as well, not physically (except for few times), but emotionally, especially for me. Now this thing has screwed everything up in that department as well.
So, that’s my story. Things are still unfolding and each day I seem to feel differently about things. So does my partner, but like I said, she is much more tolerant it seems. I feel like there was a good thing happening between us - before the lies. I was able to picture a happy life and future for all of us. Now I’m not sure. I want to be ok with this..
Early on, my partner had met a man that she continued to see every now and then. Mostly our encounters were about sex at the time, but this guy stood out and it progressed to some sort of relationship between them. They saw each other semi-regularly and did some holiday trips together, even abroad. I never met him, until the end of last year. At that point they had already known each other for almost two years I believe, and things were becoming more serious. We of course knew about each other as well. Just as I knew that my partner had been seeing him for quite some time, he knew about me and our "open relationship". He seemed to be ok with it.
We got along really good - the three of us. I became good friends with the man. He was not poly in a sense, and at times he even seemed to be quite traditional, but at heart he was open for this. He had a somewhat troubled past, as he was a widow and he had a son who was not really ready for his dad to meet other people, not to mention seeing poly people! There were some other issues as well. Because all of this, he didn’t really include us in his life, not the way we included him into ours. We introduced him to our kids, to our friends and relatives. We believed that the openness we showed him would eventually be matched from his side. He was not in an intimate relationship with me, just with my partner, so it was more like a V-shaped thing.
Fast forward to present. Less than two weeks ago we learned that the man we had welcomed to our lives with open heart and love, turned out to be someone else he said he was. He had lied about his name, his age, his place of work, his past, his home, his dead wife (who was not dead), the number of kids he has, you name it. About absolutely everything! Well, almost everything. The feelings he had were genuine, the feelings they had for each other. Nonetheless, he had been living a double life.
There is of course no excuse for what he did. He hurt plenty of people, his wife and my partner most notably. It’s about the most unethical thing you can think of (Yes, I’ve been reading More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory). It was a real shock to us! Hindsight, it’s all too obvious, but I have to say I never questioned him, not about who he was. After he was exposed, he has told us “everything” and for what I know, he has been honest. He has also expressed remorse and he knows how much he has hurt us, and his wife. I haven’t yet met him face to face. I don’t think either one of us has dared to do it. I’m planning to meet him soon though.
My partner and him have been going through this together. Now it looks like my partner is willing to continue, to go forward with him, as long as there are no more lies and they can openly have a relationship. This of course means that he needs to come clean with his wife as well, rather sooner than later. I’m not convinced that it will happen, but who knows? As you might imagine, I'm somewhat short on trust right now. Anyhow, I’m having some difficulty dealing with all of this. It’s clear my partner loves him, and I do believe he loves her as well. Can this work anymore, between the three of us?
I’ve never felt this betrayed in my life ever before. I can’t believe my partner is willing to see past this. I don’t want to lose her, so I guess that’s something I need to accept. I hope I can do that. I also hope I can get over my own rage. The last thing I want is to make her choose between us. I hope that at some point I’m able to forgive and to get to know this man (again), the real him. I do believe that the things we shared, the things that were not directly connected to his identity, were always true. I also understand how everything came to be, how it started with a simple lie on a dating site, and how at some point it just had gone too far. It’s clear it was not planned, though it’s unclear how somebody is able to pull that kind of stunt off for that long!
Oh, and to make things even worse… sex. My partner and I are into some dom/sub play, me being submissive. Cuckolding could be one word to describe it, maybe not the best, but you get the idea given the context. For the past year, He has been part of our sex life as well, not physically (except for few times), but emotionally, especially for me. Now this thing has screwed everything up in that department as well.
So, that’s my story. Things are still unfolding and each day I seem to feel differently about things. So does my partner, but like I said, she is much more tolerant it seems. I feel like there was a good thing happening between us - before the lies. I was able to picture a happy life and future for all of us. Now I’m not sure. I want to be ok with this..