New member-Peter

P

Peter555

New member
Greetings,
My name is Peter and this is my first post. Here is a little of my history which brought me here. My wife and I have been married for 25 years. Although we talked about this off and on for years, I encouraged my wife to come out and get a girlfriend almost 2 years ago. We thought she might be bi, but she had the "awakening" and is definitely a lesbian. We are slowly in transition (unraveling) to the next stages in our lives. She currently has a girlfriend and I (am straight) and going to start exploring the dating world. It's been a minute since I was there. I am 49 years old. We are currently separated and still in each others lives. I posted this on a straight spouse board and there was too much negativity. Life is too short for that. My (separated) wife said I should try a polyamory site. There seems to be much love, happiness, and open mindedness on this forum as I have read so far. Not sure if anyone has gone through this or something similar. I am excited for the next chapter in my life. If there is a better thread please let me know where to go. Thank you!
 
I am not sure what a straight spouse board is, but here you will find a great deal of people with experience in marital transition. This was a good introduction.

It sounds like you're no longer together with your wife. Has the romantic/sexual side of your relationship ended? Do you plan to divorce so you can both present as single when you start dating? You can stay good friends as divorced spouses who live separately. That might increase the size of your dating pools.

If you yourself plan to practice polyamory now, this is a good place to ask questions. If you plan to practice monogamy now, as a separated or divorced single guy, this board is not going to fulfill your needs. I am not sure why you'd get negativity for separating from a spouse who has realized she's gay.
 
Greetings Peter,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I wonder if the straight spouse board you visited was in Reddit -- if so, I have to say that Reddit isn't exactly known for its kindness and helpfulness, especially on the relationship subreddits. You should have a much better experience here on Polyamory.com, we're not perfect but I do think we're a sight better than Reddit. Yahoo also has some boards that are not the greatest, perhaps that was where you had your negative experience.

Since you and your wife are both new to open/poly, you'll probably hit some bumps along the way. For the most part though, it sounds like you're managing the bumps well. I wonder if you would consider an amicable divorce. That would make things simpler for both of you, I think. Of course, I am not completely familiar with your situation, so if I'm giving you advice that doesn't fit, just ignore it. I do think it's great that you have joined our forum, and I hope you'll keep reading and posting here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Magdlyn said:
I am not sure what a straight spouse board is, but here you will find a great deal of people with experience in marital transition. This was a good introduction.

It sounds like you're no longer together with your wife. Has the romantic/sexual side of your relationship ended? Do you plan to divorce so you can both present as single when you start dating? You can stay good friends as divorced spouses who live separately. That might increase the size of your dating pools.

If you yourself plan to practice polyamory now, this is a good place to ask questions. If you plan to practice monogamy now, as a separated or divorced single guy, this board is not going to fulfill your needs. I am not sure why you'd get negativity for separating from a spouse who has realized she's gay.
Click to expand...
Hi Magdlyn,
Thank you for your response. Yes, the sexual side has ended. I'm not sure about divorcing yet. We are separated now, maybe a legal separation next, and then... not sure. I understand your point about having a larger dating pool, just not there yet. That may be the end result, I just have to walk the path to get there. Regarding your point about negativity on the other board, it seems many people in my situation were lied to or cheated on before they found out their spouse was gay. I was lucky enough not to be in that situation. I came to this board because as I go through my complicated situation, I thought the poly community would be more open minded than the strictly hetero.
I live in Connecticut, are there ever any gatherings in the northeast? Thank you for taking time to respond to my introduction.
Peter
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings Peter,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I wonder if the straight spouse board you visited was in Reddit -- if so, I have to say that Reddit isn't exactly known for its kindness and helpfulness, especially on the relationship subreddits. You should have a much better experience here on Polyamory.com, we're not perfect but I do think we're a sight better than Reddit. Yahoo also has some boards that are not the greatest, perhaps that was where you had your negative experience.

Since you and your wife are both new to open/poly, you'll probably hit some bumps along the way. For the most part though, it sounds like you're managing the bumps well. I wonder if you would consider an amicable divorce. That would make things simpler for both of you, I think. Of course, I am not completely familiar with your situation, so if I'm giving you advice that doesn't fit, just ignore it. I do think it's great that you have joined our forum, and I hope you'll keep reading and posting here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for your response. I think the board was on Yahoo. We are working through our situation and I'm not sure about a divorce just yet. Thankfully, there is no animosity between us, which definitely makes it easier. I will check out the golden nuggets and thanks for your greeting.
Peter
 
Hello Peter,
Glad to be of help, I am glad you are with us.

As regards gatherings in the northeast, you might want to google "Connecticut polyamory" and see if any groups come up in your area.

Good to hear from you, and good luck,
Kevin T.
 
Welcome, Peter.

While challenging for both you and your wife it sounds like you and her are dealing with this honestly and respectfully.

And trying to do an intentional decoupling that honors both/all. My hats off to you there. Not everyone can manage to do that.

Maybe give her a pretend name for when you talk about her on the board? Alias names makes it easier to read/write.

Did you mean poly gatherings? Usually you can google "name of city polyamory" to see what is going on. Or search in the social media search bars for groups.

But maybe you meant LGBTQ+ support with these sorts of transitions?
 
GalaGirl said:
Did you mean poly gatherings? Usually you can google "name of city polyamory" to see what is going on. Or search in the social media search bars for groups.

But maybe you meant LGBTQ+ support with these sorts of transitions?
Click to expand...
Those were my questions as well! We are a helpful queer-friendly group here, but our focus is polyamory, not divorce or queer-related issues for non-poly people.
 
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