New meta is better than me in every way

F

FirstWinter

New member
My partner met someone new recently and by all accounts they seem like a great person. But from what I'm told, they're not just better than me in terms of my flaws, they're better at my strengths too.
  • They're objectively more attractive than me.
  • They're funnier than I am.
  • They're a better conversationalist than I am.
  • They share more interests with my partner than I do. For example, I've played some D&D video games, but they're an experienced tabletop DM who also played those games.
  • They're more sexually experienced than I am.
  • They share more kinks with my partner than I do.
  • I enjoy cooking / baking, they went to culinary school.
  • They've been poly longer than I have and they're much more grounded about it, whereas I have baggage.

My partner isn't denying any of these things, they're not made up in my head. It's simple objective fact.

The only advantage I have is time, but I feel like that'll become less and less significant as my partner spends more time with my meta. I spoke with my partner, and all they can say is "So what? It's not a competition." But I can't shake the feeling that I just don't measure up anymore, that my partner will be objectively happier with my meta, that I'm just not good enough anymore.

I just don't feel I have anything special anymore.
 
Hi, welcome to the forum.

Did you have a question, or are you just introducing yourself and explaining your situation?
 
Do you ask your partner to tell you these things about your meta, or do they tell you these things on their own? I know you can't unhear what you already know, but maybe it would be helpful if you asked your partner not to share so much. If you were asking about these things yourself, perhaps it would be helpful if you stopped asking.
 
Have you met your meta? How do you know they are a better conversationalist, and funnier than you? Remember, your partner is in NRE and has rose-colored glasses on. Everything about your meta is new and fresh.

If you're feeling lesser than, ask for reassurance. And step up to the plate. Take your partner out on dates, have sex, do romantic things.

You're not chopped liver just because some new untried person came into her life. They might turn out to be an asshole, a narcissist, less than perfect in many ways.
 
Hello FirstWinter,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't blame you if you felt like your partner was going to dump you for the meta. I don't know if it's possible to improve yourself in certain areas, so that you feel a little more self-confident. If it's not possible, maybe you are just stuck with this, and have to rely on your partner's pity for you. I hope that's not the case, that would be really depressing. I assume it would help if your partner would stop seeing your meta, but maybe that ship has already sailed.

Respects and regards,
Kevin T.
 
Sorry to hear this.

Maybe ask for less TMI? Doesn't sound your partner has a problem with dating two different people. It's not a contest indeed. He has the comfort and history with you, and everything with meta is very new. Is that the case here? That he just feels comfortable telling you these things?

How is your partner tending you and making you feel secure in your relationship with him and vice versa?
 
kdt26417 said:
I don't know if it's possible to improve yourself in certain areas, so that you feel a little more self-confident. If it's not possible, maybe you are just stuck with this, and have to rely on your partner's pity for you.
Click to expand...
I don’t think suggesting you should try to improve yourself is helpful for building self-confidence. What helps your self-confidence is really appreciating how unique you are.

Yes, the meta may also have a nice style of conversation and a sense of humour, etc and I’ll bet they also have two arms, two legs, a neck, a head, bellybutton, etc. We humans are remarkably similar and yet each and every one of us is unique. Your partner chose you because your uniqueness made you special to them.

It’s not clear why you have come to the conclusions you have. Did you meet your meta? Or is your partner making comparisons? You said your partner said “It’s not a competition” and they are right.

Magdlyn had some good advice. Focus on your relationship with your partner, go on date nights, keep the conversations spoken. Celebrate your specialness together without trying to compare it. If you find the presence of a meta really difficult at the start - and are committed to being poly - it’s also perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to pace things a little more slowly while you adjust.
 
I do not think we should be telling someone whose partner is in NRE that it is on THEM to try to win back their partner's attention.

@FirstWinter, it's not on you to try to chase your partner, romance them, or ask for dates. THEY should be asking YOU for dates, they should be going out of their way to make sure you feel loved & cared for. Otherwise, they'll have the option of just sitting back and triangulating the two partners in their life, creating an unsustainable power imbalance.

That "better than you" partner? They probably don't want your partner full-time. They might have other partners, and if you were to leave your partner, your partner would lose some of that swagger fast.

"It's not a competition" is easy enough to say when you're the one toggling between two people and you want your partner to stop complaining. Not so easy if you're feeling like you're losing big pieces of your partner's time, energy, attention.

If you're feeling like a second fiddle in your own r'ship, speak up. Loudly. If your partner is not listening, it may be time to move on. *Edited to correct pronouns
 
Last edited:
LaminarFlow said:
Sorry to hear this.

Maybe ask for less TMI? Doesn't sound your partner has a problem with dating two different people. It's not a contest indeed. He has the comfort and history with you, and everything with meta is very new. Is that the case here? That he just feels comfortable telling you these things?

How is your partner tending you and making you feel secure in your relationship with him and vice versa?
Click to expand...
yes, I dont accept and dont consent to cross sharing of info. Its a strict boundary of mine.
 
Is brutal honesty an option in your relationship?
What is it that you fear? That your partner will break up with you for the new person? Ask if that has been on their mind.
Maybe this hasn't crossed their mind at all. Then, one fear less. They might also be able to tell you some things that he appreciates about you in particular.
But maybe they ARE thinking about it. Maybe NRE has swept them off their feet, maybe they have lost interest. Maybe the are fighting this absence of feeling, trying to figure out if it's temporary or permanent (Hint: It's most likely temporary.), fully aware they can't decide and have to wait it out.
Would you want to know if something like this is going on for them, or not? Would it be easier to know if your fears are a possibility and time will tell if they come true, or is it better to deal with fantasies?
 
FirstWinter said:
My partner met someone new recently and by all accounts they seem like a great person. But from what I'm told, they're not just better than me in terms of my flaws, they're better at my strengths too.
Click to expand...

How long have you and your partner been open or practicing poly? How did you arrive at that decision?


FirstWinter said:
  • They're objectively more attractive than me.
  • They're funnier than I am.
  • They're a better conversationalist than I am.
  • They share more interests with my partner than I do. For example, I've played some D&D video games, but they're an experienced tabletop DM who also played those games.
  • They're more sexually experienced than I am.
  • They share more kinks with my partner than I do.
  • I enjoy cooking/baking, they went to culinary school.
  • They've been poly longer than I have and they're much more grounded about it, whereas I have baggage.

My partner isn't denying any of these things, they're not made up in my head. It's simple objective fact.
Click to expand...

How many partners does this person have? Is there a marriage contract with any of them? Realistically, how entangled is he or she with someone else?

FirstWinter said:
The only advantage I have is time, but I feel like that'll become less and less significant as my partner spends more time with my meta.
Click to expand...
Time in the historical sense never seems to buy much because many in this community believe every relationship has a shelf life and longevity or time isn’t the measure of success. A 25 yr marriage with 4 kids or a 3 yr poly relationship might be favored as more successful.

FirstWinter said:
I spoke with my partner, and all they can say is "So what? It's not a competition." But I can't shake the feeling that I just don't measure up anymore, that my partner will be objectively happier with my meta, that I'm just not good enough anymore.
Click to expand...
It might not be a human-to-human competition, BUT it might be a competition for time, attention, energy, how people chose to invest time and money. Do you live with your partner, have shared responsibilities?

FirstWinter said:
I just don't feel I have anything special anymore.
Click to expand...
Do you have an exit strategy?
 
You are comparing yourself to your meta. How does your partner compare you, to your meta? I would guess no one else is “you”. I would also guess no one will ever love your partner quite the way you do. Heck, you do not mention how much your partner loves or is reciprocated by the new interest. That person may not even be providing any love! And love lasts longer than looks, abilities, and is arguably at the top of emotions. Plus, love is not limited to any one person. And love, is the essence of poly.

By the way, I found it interesting how your post was gender neutral.
 
I don't think FirstWinter is coming back. Seems they were a drive-by. Too bad,
 
With FirstWinter leaving the conversation dangling, could I hijack this? My situation is very similar and I'm STRUGGLING.

I'm not sure what the etiquette is for this, or if I should create my own new post.
 
BirdMonster said:
With FirstWinter leaving the conversation dangling, could I hijack this because my situation is very similar and I'm STRUGGLING.

I'm not sure what the etiquette is for this, or if I should create my own new post.
Click to expand...
You should create your own post and add a link to this one, if you want.
 
But from what I'm told, they're not just better than me in terms of my flaws, they're better at my strengths too.
Click to expand...

Why is hinge even telling you all that? It's not a kindness.

I spoke with my partner, and all they can say is "So what? It's not a competition."
Click to expand...

Exactly! It's not a competition. So what was the purpose of this hinge telling you all these TMI details? Just to be mean to you? Get you rattled? Again, not a kindness.

But I can't shake the feeling that I just don't measure up anymore, that my partner will be objectively happier with my meta, that I'm just not good enough anymore.
Click to expand...

Yeah, thanks to hinge telling you all this stuff from the sky!

Hinge sounds like a bully.

I just don't feel I have anything special anymore.
Click to expand...

I'm sure you are a nice person with lots to offer. But you aren't going to feel good with this hinge. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Constructive critique when you ask for it is one thing. You are asking for feedback to help you improve something.

Random comparisons and being kinda mean about it is another. It is hard to feel safe with a partner who behaves like that.


Galagirl
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top