This sounds so exhausting! I'm glad you're out of there. I do see what you mean and these are familiar beats. To be fair to my husband, I'm equally concerned that I come off this way to him. This transition has meant I've sought a lot of reassurance from him. If it's okay to say, was there anything your counselor suggested he do that I could learn from?
At the time, one of the things she said I was doing right, and she did with him, with the responsive listening things. (I was trained in communication skills like that through the organization I was working for, so I was familiar with it and already did it with him and the kids. At least, I tried.) She tried to get him to get familiar with this form of talking. Listen fully to your partner. Tell them back what you heard. They correct you if that's not what they meant. You tell them again what you understood to be their meanings. Then, and only then, do you share your side. And they have to sit there and listen, not interrupt. They wait until you're finished, repeat back, etc.
Also, we learned to take breaks in arguments if things got heated. Generally that meant the discussions should last one hour, max. Return to the subject when you're fully calmed down. Gala says it takes her three days to clear the adrenaline, but I find I can reapproach the topic during the same day, a couple/three hours later, apologize and try to get on the same page.
So, we both did that with him, and he STILL said he didn't feel heard. He'd say that: "I don't feel heard!" It was incredibly frustrating. As background he had really low self esteem. Despite what I've written, he was a people pleaser. He would do too much for others, and then resent it. He was also conflict avoidant. He'd go hide and play Warcraft for eight hours at a time.
He really didn't feel he was worthy of love. He was the oldest of five kids, all born in 10 years. He got neglected as the cute babies came along, told to grow up and be a big boy. Therefore, he was envious when we had three little kids. He felt unloved because their needs came first to me (as they should have to him). But it was triggering to his childhood neglect (and the spankings he got, and the shaming). So he wanted special lunches and lots of sex to feel seen, heard, loved. His mom did provide bagged lunches, sandwiches, when he was in school so he felt her love that way, maybe only then (according to him), But he wanted something better than her sandwiches. And the sex, was of course the cuddles he didn't get enough of as a child. It was sad, really. He was a good dad and loved our kids, but at the same time, he resented the care I had to give them. (And I'd get touched out by the end of the day. I was a SAHM and had three kids in five years.) He wanted equal time/effort even when they were little infants and preschoolers-- just a big baby himself.
The problem was, he didn't/couldn't/wouldn't delve deeply into his childhood trauma. So despite my best efforts at doing what he asked (and more I haven't listed here), he never felt loved.
Therefore, our counselor dropped him. He hit a wall and that was that.
Definitely a familiar feeling!! It can feel like monkey-branching, as opposed to poly, but I don't know if this is a normal poly-newbie mistake to not research when suggesting something as big as threesomes, or if it's a genuine red flag.
It is a very common newbie mistake to do little to no research but if taken too far, it shows a certain selfishness, I think. My ex wasn't much of a reader in general, except the tech stuff he needed for his job. He took his lead from his gf-- her words were gold.
(They're still together. I think their neuroses match up. She was outright abused as a child.)
My ex just wanted to focus on his gf and the sexy floaty NRE, and pretty much avoid all the hard stuff. A lot of the kids' needs were no longer important, paying bills and yard care and my car maintenance became my job. My older daughter had to get skillful with a screwdriver for odd jobs he wouldn't do. And he never grocery shopped, cooked, cleaned or did laundry-- heaven forbid! I even did his clothes shopping and made all his medical appointments, planned all the holidays and birthdays. Women's work! He worked an eight-hour day and that was ALL he needed to do.
When he saw I was pulling back, that's when he started treating me better. He could see I was done trying and that's when he started buying me flowers, taking me away on hotel weekends, and whatnot! But it was too little, too late at that point. He lost his maid, cook, housekeeper, gardener, sex partner, personal shopper, and personal secretary all in one fell swoop.
I'm not bitter, btw, I am just listing what happened. He and I are on friendly co-parent, co-grandparent terms. We don't hang out unless one of our kids wants a family shindig to happen, like for their birthday or something, but we definitely don't fight or bitch at each other. I've moved on.
Thank you!