New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

[Urraca]

I've read so many articles and watched so many videos but I've been struggling quite a bit. Everything is very emotional and hard to give step-by-steps but if anyone can give me concrete things to try that might help, I'd really appreciate that...


My spouse and I have been married for a decade and recently he told me he was starting to have feelings for someone and wanted to explore polyamory. It's totally open for the both of us, but honestly, I've maybe only liked one other person romantically in my life, I'm somewhere in the Asexual family. As things are, it's mono-poly, and I'm having trouble adjusting.

For one thing, I don't even really know what the average adjustment period is. It's been ~8 - 10 weeks since they started dating and that's not too much time but I don't know how long I should consider it normal that I'm very uncomfortable before I decide that this isn't something for me. At what point or realization can a person know it's truly not for them and not just them still experiencing the normal growing pains?

I've heard a lot of monogamous people feeling less "special" and I guess I feel that way too and I'm trying to learn to cope with this. After they got together, my spouse replaced his lockscreen/background art on his phone from stuff related to me to all her, and on instant messengers they changed their icons to match each other. I feel very pushed out and demoted, and when I voiced this, my spouse changed his lockscreen to be a random drawing I did. It felt like it was done out of pity and didn't make me happy, I feel like I need to figure out tools for myself to cope with this on my own. Otherwise, these moments feel like shutting the barn door after the horse got out.
I'm vocal about my discomforts and boundaries, but since I'm new, it's just a lot of things I can't possibly hope to predict unless I become super paranoid, and I don't want to be that. Some things I remind him of but other things are... difficult, and also totally his to do with on his own. Another example is he got his ears pierced and he told me he got my birthstone and that felt nice, and then when I saw it he explained one was my birthstone and the other birthstone was her's. That killed the feeling, but like... It's his ear. I don't know how to feel. I imagine this is a normal discomfort I'm feeling but I haven't really found an article that says "when you feel this way, try doing x and y."

When they first started dating, when my spouse mentioned going to see her someday, I said "okay, just so you know, I won't come." Initially, he said "then I won't go." He's since changed his mind but the topic of a polytriad and threesomes came up and I was clear that's not for me. I'm just really not attracted to this lady, I'd rather be separate from her. Then recently, my spouse said something along the lines of "It'd be at least a year before I'd consider if she'd move in. Maybe longer." And it's like whoa whoa!! I don't want that! It wasn't even posed as "WE will consider it in a year"!
I thought on it for a while and decided was uncomfortable for more than just growing pain reasons (tmi but I'm an indoor nudist and I don't want to be nude around someone I'm not in a relationship with...!) so I brought this up recently, saying that this is a boundary of mine that I don't see changing and that should be considered for future decisions. His response was, "I hear your expectations and will adapt." I have no idea if this is a healthy response or not. I don't want to stifle him, but I'm going to keep my boundaries, so I'm not sure how to find common ground on very different polyam lifestyle ideals. I think we'd be too poor for him to have two apartments, one for each of us, so what do people do?

I know it's a bad move, but ultimately—currently—the reason I'm okay with the polyamory is for his benefit. I want him to figure himself out, I want him to understand what he feels for this lady, I don't want him to wonder what could have been, etc. And I absolutely do not think that is a sustainable way for me to progress in the long term. A lot of articles say that in a mono-poly relationship, the monogamous person should have other reasons for getting into it and understanding what they get out of it, and I... I just do not know what those are supposed to be? Are there examples people would be okay giving me that aren't just having more time to myself..? I feel like I already get a lot of that, I was already missing that we weren't spending a lot of time together lately before the poly shift, and I know as the relationship grows, it'll become less and less time as they visit one another and whatnot. What are some pros to the situation I can think on, or if examples don't work, how does one figure out what the pros are..?

To add to the pros thing... I'll admit the ugly truth that I feel a bit resentful about how much I have to do for something that isn't even about me in the end. It's their relationship, but I feel like I'm doing so much homework. Sometimes the homework puts me at ease but regardless, it's like I'm taking a college course on polyamory, and as I write this, I'm taking time off my job (I'm my own boss at least) to do this, so like... What are my "college credits" going to, you know? Is there self-growth to be expected, or am I taking "classes" I shouldn't be?

This is longer than I thought it'd be... I want to thank anyone who reads this and anyone who is willing to give me a helping hand. Thank you for your time.

 

[Magdlyn]

I've read so many articles and watched so many videos but I've been struggling quite a bit. Everything is very emotional and hard to give step-by-steps but if anyone can give me concrete things to try that might help, I'd really appreciate that...

Welcome! It sounds like you've had a trial by fire after Spouse dropped the poly-bomb!

My spouse and I have been married for a decade. Recently he told me he was starting to have feelings for someone and wanted to explore polyamory. It's totally open for the both of us, but honestly, I've maybe only liked one other person romantically in my life, I'm somewhere in the Asexual family. As things are, it's mono-poly, and I'm having trouble adjusting.

For one thing, I don't even really know what the average adjustment period is. It's been ~8 - 10 weeks since they started dating

Hold on! Did you agree to let him date the other person right away, and only now you're doing research into polyamory/ ENM? Has spouse done any research at all? Or just jumped in? He got a crush and bam, he tells you he's poly now and he's gonna go ahead and date this person?

and that's not too much time.

It sure is not.

But I don't know how long I should consider it normal that I'm very uncomfortable before I decide that this isn't something for me. At what point or realization can a person know it's truly not for them and not just them still experiencing the normal growing pains?

Most couples who open to ENM after being mono before often take a year or two to do research, get counseling, etc., before actually starting to date others. So you being uncomfortable at 8 weeks in is entirely normal.

He must have known this person for a while, so to him it's all great, but to you it's new and scary and upsetting as hell. It's up to you to decide if being in a poly r'ship will work for you or not. There is no "normal" time frame and no pressure to decide. You may decide you really prefer a monogamous partner/spouse and if he's poly, he's not for you. Or you may get more used to the idea, especially if Spouse steps up to the plate and reassures you properly.

I've heard a lot of monogamous people feeling less "special." and I guess I feel that way too. I'm trying to learn to cope with this.

After they got together, my spouse replaced his lock screen/background art on his phone from stuff related to me to all her, and on instant messengers they changed their icons to match each other. I feel very pushed out and demoted, and when I voiced this, my spouse changed his lockscreen to be a random drawing I did. It felt like it was done out of pity and didn't make me happy. I feel like I need to figure out tools for myself to cope with this on my own. Otherwise, these moments feel like shutting the barn door after the horse got out.

Yeah, he's in the NRE, new r'ship energy, infatuation phase. He's in lala land and his hormones are all afire and he's actually kind of lost his mind. You may feel like you don't know this person that you've been with for a decade anymore.

You shouldn't have to cope with it on your own. He needs to do his work too. He's being unkind to you.

I'm vocal about my discomforts and boundaries, but since I'm new, it's just a lot of things I can't possibly hope to predict unless I become super paranoid, and I don't want to be that. Some things I remind him of but other things are... difficult, and also totally his to do with on his own. Another example is he got his ears pierced and he told me he got my birthstone and that felt nice, and then when I saw it he explained one was my birthstone and the other birthstone was hers. That killed the feeling, but like... It's his ear.

I can see why it feels terrible that you've been with him at least 10 years and he's only known the other person a few months or weeks but now she id just as important as you.

I don't know how to feel. I imagine this is a normal discomfort I'm feeling but I haven't really found an article that says "when you feel this way, try doing x and y."

Try reading this article. And it's not just what YOU do, but what your spouse does to reassure you.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

When they first started dating, when my spouse mentioned going to see her someday, I said "okay, just so you know, I won't come." Initially, he said "then I won't go." He's since changed his mind

Ah, so he's only dating her online? He hasn't even met her, and so all this is just partly a big fantasy...

but the topic of a poly triad and threesomes came up and I was clear that's not for me. I'm just really not attracted to this lady, I'd rather be separate from her.

It's good you've made that boundary. Even if you are bi, you aren't going to automatically be attracted to the person your spouse is. Not to mention, you're greysexual, so a new sex partner is not a priority for you.

Then recently, my spouse said something along the lines of "It'd be at least a year before I'd consider if she'd move in. Maybe longer." And it's like whoa whoa!! I don't want that! It wasn't even posed as "WE will consider it in a year"!
I thought on it for a while and decided was uncomfortable for more than just growing pain reasons (tmi but I'm an indoor nudist and I don't want to be nude around someone I'm not in a relationship with...!) so I brought this up recently, saying that this is a boundary of mine that I don't see changing and that should be considered for future decisions. His response was, "I hear your expectations and will adapt." I have no idea if this is a healthy response or not. I don't want to stifle him, but I'm going to keep my boundaries, so I'm not sure how to find common ground on very different polyam lifestyle ideals. I think we'd be too poor for him to have two apartments, one for each of us, so what do people do?

He wouldn't have to "have" (pay for) an apartment for her. If they meet a few times and dating in person goes well, and she wants to move to be near him after some time of visiting back and forth, she can get her own place and pay her own rent. And if she does visit him, if you don't want her to stay in your house, say so. She can get a BnB or something. He can go see her there. If she can't afford that, that's not your problem.

Many poly couples do set up individual dating budgets for each person. So, IF you can afford that, your spouse would need that in order to date long distance, pay for trips, hotels, eating out, entertainment, etc.

I know it's a bad move, but ultimately—currently—the reason I'm okay with the polyamory is for his benefit. etc. And I absolutely do not think that is a sustainable way for me to progress in the long term. A lot of articles say that in a mono-poly relationship, the monogamous person should have other reasons for getting into it and understanding what they get out of it, and I... I just do not know what those are supposed to be.

Hmm... More time to yourself is about the only one I can think of! But if you don't get enough time with Spouse, and weren't getting enough even before he started "dating" this person, make sure to tell him you want more quality time together, more dates, more adventures. You shouldnt get him just for the chores, and housework, and new gf gets him for the fun romantic dates!

He shouldn't be texting her 24/7 now and ignoring you. That's very rude.

And you should also treat yourself to more fun times with friends, adventures, trips, whatever. Do you have kids?

To add to the pros thing... I'll admit the ugly truth that I feel a bit resentful about how much I have to do for something that isn't even about me in the end. It's their relationship, but I feel like I'm doing so much homework.

I understand your resentment. I know you've read a lot of articles and watched videos, but your spouse should also be reading and researching. You could also ask him to spend less time talking to new hottie online and spend more time talking to you, reading poly books with you (Opening Up is very comprehensive, Polysecure is another good one), and taking you on nice dates. Just because he's in NRE doesn't mean he should be taking you for granted. In fact, he should be paying MORE attention to you now, so you can feel reassured. More hugs and cuddles too, if touch is one of your love languages at all.

This is longer than I thought it'd be... I want to thank anyone who reads this and anyone who is willing to give me a helping hand. Thank you for your time.

We like a nice long intro post. It gives us more to go on to offer correct info.

 

[Urraca]

Welcome! It sounds like you've had a trial by fire after Spouse dropped the poly-bomb!

Hold on! Did you agree to let him date the other person right away, and only now you're doing research into polyamory/ ENM? Has spouse done any research at all? Or just jumped in? He got a crush and bam, he tells you he's poly now and he's gonna go ahead and date this person?

Most couples who open to ENM after being mono before often take a year or two to do research, get counseling, etc., before actually starting to date others. So you being uncomfortable at 8 weeks in is entirely normal.

He must have known this person for a while, so to him it's all great, but to you it's new and scary and upsetting as hell. It's up to you to decide if being in a poly r'ship will work for you or not. There is no "normal" time frame and no pressure to decide. You may decide you really prefer a monogamous partner/spouse and if he's poly, he's not for you. Or you may get more used to the idea, especially if Spouse steps up to the plate and reassures you properly.

Hello!
Yes, poly-bomb indeed hah! In the past we've discussed how we've felt about polyamory but I wouldn't say we did research or anything serious back then. It was more like "Oh, our friends have an open marriage, what do we think about that?" sort of conversation. So I wasn't blindsided, and I'm all for polyamory (although maybe not for myself, still learning), but in terms of relationships, it kind of happened that fast.
He wanted to rp sex with his friends online in a video game, and I was fine with that (as you put it, very fantasy land stuff) as I'm a writer and personally see that with total disconnect from Actual Sex and Actual Relationships. He ended up catching feelings for one of them, whom I'll call Lady. I was introduced to Lady one day after some months of them knowing each other, told she needed to make more friends, and then 24 hours later he sat me down and said he had feelings for Lady and wanted to actually explore that as an actual relationship where they see each other and whatnot.
I was told I could nix it, I don't really know if I could have had a timeframe to think on it, but I figured I was okay with polyamory relationships morally, so I gave it the go-ahead. So yes... definitely not the way you're recommending it be handled Unfortunately. So I've only got these past ~8 weeks of poly research done.
He's told me he's researched it but I don't know what that involves. I know he talked to someone who had two girlfriends and a monogamous wife, but when I asked him if he talked to the wife at all about her side, he said she basically only said one sentence. I don't know if the person on the lala land side should get advice from other monogamous folk in poly relationships or if just talking to the one in the center is the ideal or not, so I haven't suggested suggested anything. (You did mention more stuff below on this, and I'll pick up those books!)

You shouldn't have to cope with it on your own. He needs to do his work too. He's being unkind to you..

Try reading this article. And it's not just what YOU do, but what your spouse does to reassure you.

It's validating to hear that but I honestly don't know what to tell him I need (besides dates and time)... I've asked him to occasionally ask me how I'm doing so that at least I'm not always the one bringing up the Big Downer Conversations, but when we have these conversations, he ends up rather frustrated and unsure of what to do. He repeats that he loves me and wishes I'd trust him on that, but yeah, I like actions more than words when it comes to love. To me, him removing that art I made on his phone to things she did just speaks louder.
But I'm still processing everything. I heard this be compared to grieving, and in that regard, I don't know if I'm inconsolable, but I don't want to be.
(and thank you for the poly hell article! I'm definitely experiencing poly hell a bit )

When I tell him these things, he gets very sad too, saying he feels like he's failing me. Though I do still communicate, I do feel terrible when I do because if I don't have a solution, then he just comes out of it feeling like a failure. I'm scared of him associating me with failure but I don't know how to give him a win.

Ah, so he's only dating her online? He hasn't even met her, and so all this is just partly a big fantasy...

Entirely possible. For a bit, that concept was comforting, but a poly friend of mine said they knew a lot of people with success starting this way. They didn't want me to get blindsided if they got very serious. They'll be meeting in September, he'll be flying to see her for a few days. She lives someplace where it wouldn't break our bank if he wanted to do this every so often.

He wouldn't have to "have" (pay for) an apartment for her. If they meet a few times and dating in person goes well, and she wants to move to be near him after some time of visiting back and forth, she can get her own place and pay her own rent. And if she does visit him, if you don't want her to stay in your house, say so. She can get a BnB or something. He can go see her there. If she can't afford that, that's not your problem.

Many poly couples do set up individual dating budgets for each person. So, IF you can afford that, your spouse would need that in order to date long distance, pay for trips, hotels, eating out, entertainment, etc.

Ok, I can recommend this sort of thing then! We do live somewhere kind of expensive, so a lot of people can't afford an apartment on their own around here. Does that change this rule or should I stick to my guns on that kind of thing anyway?

Hmm... More time to yourself is about the only one I can think of! But if you don't get enough time with Spouse, and weren't getting enough even before he started "dating" this person, make sure to tell him you want more quality time together, more dates, more adventures. You shouldnt get him just for the chores, and housework, and new gf gets him for the fun romantic dates!

I'm in a bit of a pickle with their timing on this one. The poly-bomb happened 2 weeks before I got bariatric (stomach) surgery. I'm only just able to eat raw vegetables again, so typical dates like going to dinner or even just getting a smoothie aren't things I can really do yet because my diet is very restricted. My love language is definitely quality time, so going to the movies, though nice, doesn't satisfy me. We went mini golfing once and that was great, but things like that take a lot of time out of his day off. I'm admittedly not sure how often it's okay to ask for big dates like that before I'm being too needy? That feels like a silly question for someone who has been married for 10 years to ask, but I genuinely don't know what's fair, and I want to be fair.

Since I mentioned video games before, I will add: we did used to play video games (and table/board games) together a lot as a hobby, lots of fun teamwork games, but for the past year we haven't shared interest in the same games, so we haven't been sharing our hobby together. I've attempted to mend this early in the poly situation (and a few times beforehand), but to no avail. So unfortunately, that hasn't been an option for me.

And you should also treat yourself to more fun times with friends, adventures, trips, whatever. Do you have kids?

Luckily, no kids are stuck in the middle of this lol I do have freedom in this regard. Should my fun budget match his GF-dating budget? What's the etiquette for that?

We like a nice long intro post. It gives us more to go on to offer correct info.

Thank you.. it really means so much to get this reply. I feel like it helped a lot already.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this. I don't know if it helps you any.

For one thing, I don't even really know what the average adjustment period is. It's been ~8 - 10 weeks since they started dating and that's not too much time but I don't know how long I should consider it normal that I'm very uncomfortable before I decide that this isn't something for me. At what point or realization can a person know it's truly not for them and not just them still experiencing the normal growing pains?

That's going to vary for each person.

To me? You two got married promising a monogamous model and now he wants to break that up. And then change to another model.

You can't stop him from wanting to quit or breaking up. Because anyone can quit.

But you don't have to try or sign up for a new thing either. He can go do it without you.

How you cope with your break up grief AND learning this new model? That's on you.

How he copes with his break up grief AND learning this new model? That's on him.

Sometimes it turns out that the reluctant partner does better at it than the one who originally wanted to open. Because they go slower and the other just jumped in blind.

If you decided to try it and see? And you've seen enough? You can decide ANY TIME that nope. Not for you. And you prefer to quit.

If you need some kind of visual aid? This article gives a graphic with approx months under it. But know YOUR time could be shorter/longer.

Transitions: managing personal and organizational change

Article describing the transition process, its effects on our work & personal and implications for managers.

www.eoslifework.co.uk

If you need some kind of break up assessment tool?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

www.scarleteen.com

If some of this is poly hell? Could talk to spouse about that. Not sure how well he will HEAR you, if he's all NRE drunk with the new shiny person. But you can try.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Sometimes the one to start dating and learn hinge skills first? Later struggles when the spouse starts dating too. And then it's like "Ohhhh.... I get it now. Being the meta/dealing with poly hell stuff IS hard." Because now the new shiny person is OLD and not so shiny and reality is kicking in.

And the spouse is like "Pffft. Why should I be kind to you dealing with meta/poly hell stuff when you were a jerk to me when I was in it?"

So... there's that to watch out for.

I'm vocal about my discomforts and boundaries, but since I'm new, it's just a lot of things I can't possibly hope to predict unless I become super paranoid, and I don't want to be that. Some things I remind him of but other things are... difficult, and also totally his to do with on his own. Another example is he got his ears pierced and he told me he got my birthstone and that felt nice, and then when I saw it he explained one was my birthstone and the other birthstone was her's. That killed the feeling, but like... It's his ear. I don't know how to feel. I imagine this is a normal discomfort I'm feeling but I haven't really found an article that says "when you feel this way, try doing x and y."

It's hard to go from monogamy and being the ONLY sweetie to sharing the hinge's time, attention, etc.

The opening up book has a lot of worksheets in it. You can read it free online.

Opening up : a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships : Taormino, Tristan, 1971- : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

xxv, 346 p. ; 22 cm

archive.org

The worksheets are also here.

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist


It IS his ear. And if he wants whatever jewelry, he can do that. Including each partner's birth stone. At the same time, it's nice to have things just for you and him. So maybe you talk to him about what that is now?

When they first started dating, when my spouse mentioned going to see her someday, I said "okay, just so you know, I won't come." Initially, he said "then I won't go." He's since changed his mind but the topic of a polytriad and threesomes came up and I was clear that's not for me. I'm just really not attracted to this lady, I'd rather be separate from her. Then recently, my spouse said something along the lines of "It'd be at least a year before I'd consider if she'd move in. Maybe longer." And it's like whoa whoa!! I don't want that! It wasn't even posed as "WE will consider it in a year"!

If you haven't detangled and he's so used to telling you EVERYTHING? And operating like a CoupleBlob?

You might need to put your foot down if he's a new hinge that's all NRE drunk and oversharing TMI details with you. Like wanting you to be his other relationship coach or dear diary something.

You might need to put your foot down on "NO. I'm not just along for the ride on this one. I'm not up for threesomes, dating the same person, etc."

Group sex is NOT a requirement in poly. It's a thing of its own. But shocker... you might want your own threesomes that do NOT automatically include him. Or maybe you don't. But has he even thought of that, or is he approaching everything centering his own desire/wants? Or like a joined at the hip couple? Like whatever he wants you must want cuz CoupleBlob?

I encourage you to detangle.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

SOMETIMES you are a couple. At all times you are still you and he is still him -- individuals. And now he's a couple with Lady too. So he has to learn to balance that and sharpen his hinge skills.

334 - What Makes a Good Hinge Partner — Multiamory

Being a hinge partner can be tough sometimes. This episode focuses on some unique struggles that hinge partners may face, some common pitfalls, and what it takes to be a good hinge partner.

www.multiamory.com

There is nothing wrong with a separate, poly V. (You + Him) stuff on this side. And (Lady + Him) stuff on that side.

Accept he's gonna have "enthusiasms" but they are NOT "reality." He's not just in NRE with Lady. He's probaby in NRE with the IDEA of polyamory and is gonna go through all the fantasies of living all in one house like some Kumbaya Household, you dating his partner too so he has his MFF fantasy, blah, blah, blah.

The reality is that for things to happen? The consent of all parties is required.

He can't just move people in here without your consent It's your home too.

Just because he fancies some KTP model (kitchen table poly where he and all his partners hang out together and operate like family) doesn't mean that the partners want to be doing that.

So what is it really? A random announcement? That he'd be ready to think about it in a year.

That's nice.

That doesn't AUTOMATICALLY mean you would. You are NOT a CoupleBlob.

And out loud I'd say "Thanks for sharing. So long as you remember that *I* might not be up for that. Let's leave that talk for a year out and deal with one thing at a time."

I thought on it for a while and decided was uncomfortable for more than just growing pain reasons (tmi but I'm an indoor nudist and I don't want to be nude around someone I'm not in a relationship with...!) so I brought this up recently, saying that this is a boundary of mine that I don't see changing and that should be considered for future decisions. His response was, "I hear your expectations and will adapt." I have no idea if this is a healthy response or not.

Glad you did that.

It is ALWAYS healthy for you to have your own personal boundaries. They define you limit of tolerance, what you will and will not put up with, what you are and are not up for, WHEN you are prepared to deal with something or not, and a lot more.

They are important to have.

(cont)

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't want to stifle him, but I'm going to keep my boundaries, so I'm not sure how to find common ground on very different polyam lifestyle ideals. I think we'd be too poor for him to have two apartments, one for each of us, so what do people do?

You aren't stifling him any.

If he really wants to go there? He can end things with you and go there without you.

But if he wants to date you AND Lady? He's got to work within your limits to keep you happy and this relationship worthwhile.

And then go do the same on the other side of the V with Lady.

If he can't keep his partners happy? They might choose to break up with him. Like in any other relationship model.

People figure it out for housing. And if it means the hinge goes to and fro? Well, what of it? They see their partners at their homes.

People do NOT have to mix their finances.

Maybe looking over the relationship menu helps YOU figure out what YOU are ok with and not.

https://www.freakskinksandgeeks.com/_files/ugd/8fef47_008cdf68faf645f1b7c7a71f301e91b3.pdf

And he does it separately. Then you two figure out what still aligns on this side of the V or not.

He'd have to do it with Lady separately.

Just because you and DH were compatible for monogamy? Doesn't make you automatically compatible for poly because you two might have different ways of practicing it.

He's not just dating Lady in a new model. He dating YOU in a new model too.

You will get to see a whole new side of him. And him you.

I know it's a bad move, but ultimately—currently—the reason I'm okay with the polyamory is for his benefit. I want him to figure himself out, I want him to understand what he feels for this lady, I don't want him to wonder what could have been, etc. And I absolutely do not think that is a sustainable way for me to progress in the long term.

What do YOU need to be happy in your relationships? Is monogamy your fav relationship shape?

What do you need for mono-poly to be sustainable for you long term?

Or were you hoping he'd "get it out of his system" and return to monogamy with you?

A lot of articles say that in a mono-poly relationship, the monogamous person should have other reasons for getting into it and understanding what they get out of it, and I... I just do not know what those are supposed to be?

Basically you enjoy the relationship you have with hinge and find it fullfilling. And enjoy or feel comfortable being an end point in a poly V or similar model.

Like it it was a set of toggles.

• Monoamorous (capacity or desire to love 1 sweetie), monogamous (wants 1:1 relationship shape only)
• Monoamorous (capacity or desire to love 1 sweetie), relationship shape flexible (can do either monogamy or non-monogamous shapes like being an end point in a V)
• Polyamorous (capacity or desire to love more than 1 sweetie), relationship shape flexible (can do either monogamy or non-monogamous shapes)
• Polyamorous (capacity or desire to love more than 1 sweetie), NO monogamy, poly relationship shapes ONLY (V's, N's, etc)

You have to figure out what YOU are. He figures out what HE is. And if those things still align or not.

It might turn out you are up for poly... just not with HIM because his style is not compatible with yours. That's ok.

Or... you prefer monogamy. That's ok too.

To add to the pros thing... I'll admit the ugly truth that I feel a bit resentful about how much I have to do for something that isn't even about me in the end. It's their relationship, but I feel like I'm doing so much homework. Sometimes the homework puts me at ease but regardless, it's like I'm taking a college course on polyamory, and as I write this, I'm taking time off my job (I'm my own boss at least) to do this, so like... What are my "college credits" going to, you know? Is there self-growth to be expected, or am I taking "classes" I shouldn't be?

Well, if YOU want to be in a mono-poly thing, some amount of self education is required if you do not want to just jump in blind. But you don't have to do ALL the work in a relationship.

Why are you doing so much? Is that your habit carrying over from monogamy? You used to "carry him" a lot in that model too and he just coasted and continues to coast now?

You like to plan and think ahead? He just jumps right in? Like personality differences?

But I'm still processing everything. I heard this be compared to grieving, and in that regard, I don't know if I'm inconsolable, but I don't want to be.

You ARE grieving. You two broke up the old model. The old deal is gone.

You signed up for some new deal you aren't sure about. With a partner who is a newbie. So yah. Normal for things to feel weird in transition time. "Old normal" is gone and "new normal" isn't here yet.

It is ok for you to be hesitant and unsure and maybe even voting "no confidence" if he's acting all NRE drunk and doing poly hell dismissive things because he's busy chasing the new shiny and taking you for granted. Acting like you rain on his parade if you are simply being honest and realistic about your concerns.

Ever deal with a drunk who had too much beer who INSISTS they are not drunk? Total PITA.

NRE drunk people are similar. It's a reason, but it isn't an excuse to treat existing partner crap.

So watch out for that.

Since I mentioned video games before, I will add: we did used to play video games (and table/board games) together a lot as a hobby, lots of fun teamwork games, but for the past year we haven't shared interest in the same games, so we haven't been sharing our hobby together. I've attempted to mend this early in the poly situation (and a few times beforehand), but to no avail. So unfortunately, that hasn't been an option for me.

So... how is (you+ him) relationship then? Do you have schedule dates together? What do you share together now?

Or is the relationship kinda circling the drain?

Luckily, no kids are stuck in the middle of this lol I do have freedom in this regard. Should my fun budget match his GF-dating budget? What's the etiquette for that?

Glad there are no kids. Keep up birth control while sorting all this out.

I think you two could have had separate banking even in monogamy.

Maybe joint checking for the home bills like rent, power, water, car payment, etc.

Then your personal and his personal. All dates come out of personal. You can take turns treating each other to dates or split the bill. He can do same with Lady.

All personal comes out of personal.

And if he wants to spend the rest of his personal on video games? That's his biz.

If you want to spend the rest of your personal on starbucks and massage? That's your biz.

If that wasn't the set up before? Could get on with making it the set up now.

Best thing my mom did for me when I moved out was give me a "fuck off fund." She told me to put it away for a rainy day. And if I ever ended up in a bad relationship? Remember I could take the money, move out or come on home and tell the person to fuck off. I would not be "trapped" in a bad situation just because of finances. I gave my kids same and so did she. So they have a bigger nest egg set aside for emergency.

After decades I doubt DH would go bananas, but I didn't marry him without each of us having one. We both still have that. Separate nest eggs.

It's ok to "try it and see" but you don't go jumping without a parachute. Right?

And if it ends up "Tried it. Not for me" -- well, that's how it lands then.

You seem to be clear headed enough. And having normal and natural concerns. It's a big change.

Rather than you or him bringing up Downer Conversations? Maybe have a monthly check in? Then ease up to once a semester or once a year?

RADAR — Multiamory

www.multiamory.com

And think about working with a counselor experienced in non-monogamy so you both get support in this transition? YMMV but could try seeking at

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl

 

[Openbook23]

There's a newish book out called the Polyamory Paradox. It focuses in particular on the emotional FEELINGS that can occur, independent of your own intellectual thoughts. In other words "I shouldn't be upset by this because X and Y" is all well and good but doesn't stop your feels from happening. It might help you, because it deals with the concrete situations around all of that.

 

[Urraca]

What do YOU need to be happy in your relationships? Is monogamy your fav relationship shape?

What do you need for mono-poly to be sustainable for you long term?

Or were you hoping he'd "get it out of his system" and return to monogamy with you?

I see, okay, these are prompts I can work from and think about...
As for the longterm/getting it out of his system thing; no, it took me a bit to find the articles that said my reason (doing it for his happiness) wasn't enough and was unwise. I sat in denial for a while, and then, once I accepted it wasn't good, I was confused and unsure what to do with my motivations. That's basically where I am.

(also want thank you for all the info before I forget!! I don't know how to quote two different posts hah)

Well, if YOU want to be in a mono-poly thing, some amount of self education is required if you do not want to just jump in blind. But you don't have to do ALL the work in a relationship.

Why are you doing so much? Is that your habit carrying over from monogamy? You used to "carry him" a lot in that model too and he just coasted and continues to coast now?

You like to plan and think ahead? He just jumps right in? Like personality differences?

He does view me as his Emotional Rock, but I am also the anxious over-planning type and he's impulsive in everything but buying a new car. I'm not sure if it's intentional coasting or anything, or even how much any one person is supposed to do for homework.
I want this relationship to work, and he's very confident it will regardless due to us being best friends, but I'm not happy.
When I get uncomfortable, I study my problem, and sometimes it makes me feel better. But like... I've spent all day today studying, and I do feel like I've learned a lot (and have a LOT more to learn), but I also feel frustrated because I didn't work today. I couldn't get my mind off learning more on this but I can't keep doing that...

How do I put my foot down if I don't feel like he's bringing information? I feel like if I stop being the educational one, then what if no one will be and everything just crashes down?

So... how is (you+ him) relationship then? Do you have schedule dates together? What do you share together now?

Or is the relationship kinda circling the drain?

For the past 8 - 9 months it's been a bit stale with, for me, sparse sharing of fun things... We don't do much together. It concerns me and has concerned me since before the poly stuff (~8 weeks ago) but he's always very confident in our relationship and that it'll last.
I think because of what love language we like to receive, it creates a different perception of the situation. He's very happy to be in the room over from me, or in the same room while watching videos, talking with his friends, etc, but yeah, I like direct interaction.
But after today, I think I've also been tackling the situation wrong... I've been addressing it as "I feel unfun" and general insecurity compared to how fun his video games have been instead of as any relationship needing their crops watered.
(I hope I didn't ramble too much on this one)

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helps you some.

He does view me as his Emotional Rock,

Do you even want this job? Or would you prefer he do his own emotional management? And you do yours?

That is not to say you don't care about him. You can give partner support to a reasonable and rational degree. But you also cannot be overdoing it like trying to be his free therapist or doing all his jobs FOR him. YKWIM?

Do you feel like being the pillar of strength for him to lean on all the time?

Or do want to take turns in relationship because you sometimes need him to be "the rock" for YOU?

And didn't really get that here in monogamy?

You aren't getting it now in transition?

So neither experience inspires confidence that you will get it from him once deeper into polyamory?

Is that part of the problem?

I want this relationship to work, and he's very confident it will regardless due to us being best friends, but I'm not happy.

Is that the problem?

He won't see/hear your unhappy even before this poly V experiement?

You understand that a 2 people relationship only "works" if 2 people consent to be there, are putting in effort, taking time, taking care? (you + him) And he was phoning it in then.

You understand that a 3 people poly V relationship only "works" if 3 people consent to be there, are practicing the same model, are putting in effort, taking time, taking care? And he's also absent now?

(you + [him + Lady] with him as the hinge is the current model.

But if he can't even take care of 1 partner, what makes him think he can balance 2?

And his "Oh, stop worrying, it will work out just because I say so" leap of blind faith thing.

That might be enough for HIM to risk.

But it makes cautious you think "OMG, what is he even thinking? What's his approach here? Just "whatevers" kind of attitude? What dings is that gonna cost ME if I join him on this trip to Poly Town? Why am I doing this again?"

If he doesn't even want to acknowledge it or talk about it? It leaves you out in the cold, unreassured, and pretty much making your own emergency plan for how to get out of the crashing plane on your own then.

So... I suggest you pack your own parachute.

When I get uncomfortable, I study my problem, and sometimes it makes me feel better. But like... I've spent all day today studying, and I do feel like I've learned a lot (and have a LOT more to learn), but I also feel frustrated because I didn't work today. I couldn't get my mind off learning more on this but I can't keep doing that...

If you worry, and are trying to learn fast like read the whole internet in one go? I see that as anxiety and trying to control SOMETHING. When you are in a rickety feeling thing.

Trying to be prepared for whatever because he's NOT talking to you in the way you need to feel safe enough attempting this.

You don't know him as a hinge. You never saw this side of him. And him acting NRE drunk? Does not inspire confidence.

I think you could decide "poly learning day" is Saturday from 10 AM to Noon -- and leave it there. Live the rest of your life the rest of the time.

And decide YOUR dealbreakers. What are they?

If it gets too crazy and crosses any of the dealbreaker lines, you are gonna drop out. And your emergency plan is to do 1, 2, 3. Then it doesn't matter what wacky happens or not. YOU can rest assured YOU have created your parachute. You will be ok.

If he doesn't pack one? Let it be his thing to deal with.

And don't give him yours.

How do I put my foot down if I don't feel like he's bringing information?

What do you mean by this? Can you give example?

Do you mean like you want to know if there's other poly partners he's seeing and he's not telling you who he dates? He's not using safer sex practices?

Something else?

I feel like if I stop being the educational one, then what if no one will be and everything just crashes down?

Then you get you out of the splash zone before the crash. So whatever mess he's making doesn't land on YOU or ding you too much. You get out of the way. For the day, the week, or permanently by breaking up with him depending on the issue.

Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU. If you don't want to participate in wacky? You don't.

For the past 8 - 9 months it's been a bit stale with, for me, sparse sharing of fun things... We don't do much together. It concerns me and has concerned me since before the poly stuff (~8 weeks ago) but he's always very confident in our relationship and that it'll last.

Nope. It won't. And his confidence bubble will burst.

If he's viewing relationship as possessive? Like he has this sweater relationship? He can chuck it on a shelf and it will still keep him warm whenever he wants even if he doesn't put energy in? He's wrong.

Cuz you aren't a sweater. Neither is the relationship you offer him.

Relationships are participatory. You both tend to it like gardeners looking after a shared plant. Chuck that on the shelf? No light? No water? The relationship plant will die out. You are already pointing out that it's not doing well. He's waving at it like "It's fine, it's alive, it will last."

He's gonna be real surprised when the day comes you are tired of trying to tend a shared relationship plant alone. And choose to walk away because you got no nurture here and you got tired of it.

Because you don't want to be barely alive in your relationships. You want to THRIVE in your relationships.

Is that part of what you struggle with? His refusal to SEE even when you point?

But after today, I think I've also been tackling the situation wrong... I've been addressing it as "I feel unfun" and general insecurity compared to how fun his video games have been instead of as any relationship needing their crops watered.

You seem to see clear enough and understand that relationships are participatory. And he hasn't been participating in the relationship with you. You are living on the plant water reservoir but eventually even that gets used up and runs dry and need refilling or else the plant dies out.

"Parallel play" is fine -- DH and I both like that. I read, he does his games, we look up once in a while say a few words and return to our hobbies. But that is not the ONLY way we interact. We also interact directly doing things together on our own, with friends, family, etc.

What is wrong with this whole experience so far feeling "unfun" to you? Seems appropriate to the situation at hand. Cuz it DOESN'T sound especially great or fun here.

You aren't being insecure or needy. You are in an unstable situation. The old normal is gone. The new normal is not here yet. And he doesn't want to help you build it. Whatever is here is all rickety. You can't feel stable or good like that.

You are being super generous giving this space for him to date Lady.

But if you get little in return? That is you doing a LOT more work for a lot less of his time/attention than you used to get in monogamy.

So... how's this an awesome deal for you?

Did you think if you were super generous and gave this? He'd finally get around to watering the relationship crops on this side of the V with you?

To me it sounds like he is being a sloppy hinge and taking you for granted.

And like you are at risk of drowning going "Hello? Throw me a life line, please." And he's not.

Is that true?

I don't know what to tell you. If he doesn't wake up soon, he's going to be at risk of losing you.

And it's ok for that to happen if you don't get what you need here in this poly V. It's ok for you to decide to break up.

Just maybe not what you hoped for though.

Ask him to read poly hell with you and explain you are feeling neglected on this side of the V -- even before the poly experiment.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I see, okay, these are prompts I can work from and think about...

As for the long term/getting it out of his system thing; no, it took me a bit to find the articles that said my reason (doing it for his happiness) wasn't enough and was unwise. I sat in denial for a while, and then, once I accepted it wasn't good, I was confused and unsure what to do with my motivations. That's basically where I am.


He does view me as his Emotional Rock, but I am also the anxious over-planning type and he's impulsive in everything but buying a new car. I'm not sure if it's intentional coasting or anything, or even how much any one person is supposed to do for homework.
I want this relationship to work, and he's very confident it will regardless due to us being best friends, but I'm not happy.
When I get uncomfortable, I study my problem, and sometimes it makes me feel better. But like... I've spent all day today studying, and I do feel like I've learned a lot (and have a LOT more to learn), but I also feel frustrated because I didn't work today. I couldn't get my mind off learning more on this but I can't keep doing that...

How do I put my foot down if I don't feel like he's bringing information? I feel like if I stop being the educational one, then what if no one will be and everything just crashes down?

He's not bringing information because he's not gathering any. He's just over there on his computer having sex with Lady in a game format where they're both naked and gorgeous. It has absolutely no bearing on reality. You know what? My gf used to play one of those games back about 12-14 years ago. One of the "women" she used to dance and do fake sex with turned out to be a guy. LOL. He finally confessed. And she kept talking to him. After a couple years, he was going to be in our area and said he'd come visit. He never did. He chickened out.

That's the thing with online relationships. Sure, they might work out, but also, you might get catfished in some way.

For the past 8 - 9 months it's been a bit stale with, for me, sparse sharing of fun things... We don't do much together. It concerns me and has concerned me since before the poly stuff (~8 weeks ago) but he's always very confident in our relationship and that it'll last.
I think because of what love language we like to receive, it creates a different perception of the situation. He's very happy to be in the room over from me, or in the same room while watching videos, talking with his friends, etc, but yeah, I like direct interaction.
But after today, I think I've also been tackling the situation wrong... I've been addressing it as "I feel unfun" and general insecurity compared to how fun his video games have been instead of as any relationship needing their crops watered.
(I hope I didn't ramble too much on this one)

You didn't ramble at all! You're fine. You have every right to be worried.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello!
Yes, poly-bomb indeed hah! In the past we've discussed how we've felt about polyamory but I wouldn't say we did research or anything serious back then. It was more like "Oh, our friends have an open marriage, what do we think about that?" sort of conversation. So I wasn't blindsided, and I'm all for polyamory (although maybe not for myself, still learning), but in terms of relationships, it kind of happened that fast.
He wanted to rp sex with his friends online in a video game, and I was fine with that (as you put it, very fantasy land stuff) as I'm a writer and personally see that with total disconnect from Actual Sex and Actual Relationships. He ended up catching feelings for one of them, whom I'll call Lady... so I gave it the go-ahead...

He's told me he's researched it but I don't know what that involves. I know he talked to someone who had two girlfriends and a monogamous wife, but when I asked him if he talked to the wife at all about her side, he said she basically only said one sentence.

Talking to one person for a short time about how he handled being poly is not research. We are talking about books, videos, websites, articles, etc.

I don't know if the person on the lala land side should get advice from other monogamous folk in poly relationships or if just talking to the one in the center is the ideal or not, so I haven't suggested suggested anything. (You did mention more stuff below on this, and I'll pick up those books!)


It's validating to hear that but I honestly don't know what to tell him I need (besides dates and time)... I've asked him to occasionally ask me how I'm doing so that at least I'm not always the one bringing up the Big Downer Conversations, but when we have these conversations, he ends up rather frustrated and unsure of what to do. He repeats that he loves me and wishes I'd trust him on that, but yeah, I like actions more than words when it comes to love. To me, him removing that art I made on his phone to things she did just speaks louder

Actions speak about 80% louder than words.

.
But I'm still processing everything. I heard this be compared to grieving. thank you for the poly hell article! I'm definitely experiencing poly hell.

When I tell him these things, he gets very sad too, saying he feels like he's failing me.

He is. He should feel bad. He is not treating you well.

Though I do still communicate, I do feel terrible when I do because if I don't have a solution, then he just comes out of it feeling like a failure. I'm scared of him associating me with failure but I don't know how to give him a win.

Give HIM a win? How about you're the winner?

Entirely possible. For a bit, that concept was comforting, but a poly friend of mine said they knew a lot of people with success starting this way.

It happens in this day and age, sure. My daughter is in her mid 30s and she's had 3 serious relationships that started online and very long distance. Each one started great. They all turned into real life r'ships of 3-4 years. She's traveled across country and even to Europe to be with these people. All 3 people ended up being narcissistic almost dangerous jerks. Right after she came back from Europe she started falling in love w a friend on a discord. He turned out to be 16. I beg her to just date someone local but she's always online. sigh...

They didn't want me to get blindsided if they got very serious. They'll be meeting in September, he'll be flying to see her for a few days. She lives someplace where it wouldn't break our bank if he wanted to do this every so often.


Ok, I can recommend this sort of thing then! We do live somewhere kind of expensive, so a lot of people can't afford an apartment on their own around here. Does that change this rule or should I stick to my guns on that kind of thing anyway?

It's not a rule. It's a suggestion. If his new online "gf" wants to come visit him in your expensive area, it comes from her own funds (hopefully), or it comes partly from your partner's play money. It doesn't come from your household fund, it doesn't come from your fun money. And if your hubby spends ALL his fun money on dating her and not you, well, that will tell you something, won't it?

And if, big IF, they decide they want to be together full time, it's best for everyone if she doesn't just assume she'll move into YOUR marital home. It's safer for her to have her own place (with roommates if necessary), and of course, you shouldn't have to just allow her to move on in to your safe place, your home, your sanctuary. Most poly people do not have the entire poly network cohabiting. I imagine your hubs wouldn't want your new bf to be moving into HIS house in a year or two haha

Some poly couples don't even want visiting OSOs (other sig. others) to have sex in their home, or at least, not in the marital bed. They may allow a short visit once the new person has proven to be trustworthy, pleasant, polite, a good guest, in other words. But some poly people do not want to meet their partner's partner (their metamour) at all, much less entertain them in their home, much much less live with them.

I'm in a bit of a pickle with their timing on this one. The poly-bomb happened 2 weeks before I got bariatric (stomach) surgery. I'm only just able to eat raw vegetables again, so typical dates like going to dinner or even just getting a smoothie aren't things I can really do yet because my diet is very restricted.

Good for you for taking that big step! It takes a lot of adjustment. Did hubs help you when you were just post op and struggling with diet? Are you OK? I know things can get messed up weeks or months later.

I am not sure if you're able, but there are more adventures to be had in life other than eating, watching movies or playing video games. What about walks in nature? A day trip to a new town, exploring there? If you're healthy/trying to get healthier, and pretty young, there's hiking, horseback riding, biking, going to museums, going to concerts, going dancing, going to visit friends together, going to a zoo, going to an amusement park or Disney, going to an arboretum, going swimming, camping, doing a home improvement project, crafting of some kind together, kayaking or paddleboarding, Renn Faires, comic conventions, hunting through secondhand stores, even just reading out loud to each other, etc., etc. I could go on all day. That's what I did in my 20s, and I even did some when my ex and I had 3 kids, and then after they left the nest, I still do things like that (only not as much because I am 68 and I get tired lol). Do some of these things together and you'll both be the "fun ones."

My love language is definitely quality time, so going to the movies, though nice, doesn't satisfy me. We went mini golfing once and that was great, but things like that take a lot of time out of his day off.

He only gets one day off a week? Well, he should spend it with you. How can he go swanning off to spend days with Lady when he can barely take you mini-golfing once?

I'm admittedly not sure how often it's okay to ask for big dates like that before I'm being too needy? That feels like a silly question for someone who has been married for 10 years to ask, but I genuinely don't know what's fair, and I want to be fair.

As GG said, r'ships need nurturing. Nice quality dates like mini golfing or anything from my list are ways to keep a r'ship exciting. Sitting on separate screens talking to others every night is going to kill your relationship.

Since I mentioned video games before, I will add: we did used to play video games (and table/board games) together a lot as a hobby, lots of fun teamwork games, but for the past year we haven't shared interest in the same games, so we haven't been sharing our hobby together. I've attempted to mend this early in the poly situation (and a few times beforehand), but to no avail. So unfortunately, that hasn't been an option for me.

And he hasn't cared enough to try and mend this and instead has started this sex game with someone else. Frankly he doesn't sound poly. It sounds like he'd rather just be with a new and shiny person and ignore you.

Just throwing this out there, but is he overweight too? Is he threatened that you're losing weight and having a glow up? Hmmm... I know that when an addict cleans up (food addiction in this case) it can throw off the former dynamic in a relationship.

Luckily, no kids are stuck in the middle of this. lol I do have freedom in this regard.

Good

Should my fun budget match his GF-dating budget? What's the etiquette for that?

Yes, of course. Maybe you can start dating too. Join a dating site. Start getting hit on right and left. See how bf likes that.

Thank you.. it really means so much to get this reply. I feel like it helped a lot already.

My pleasure.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Urraca,

I'm not sure what the right amount of time is to give mono/poly before you decide it isn't for you. Possibly three months, possibly a year. In your case I would think closer to three months, but as I said I'm not sure. I do not like the fact that your spouse replaced you on his lockscreen/background art to all her, he is getting way to carried away with his NRE. Sure he changed it back to some random drawing you did, but that was only when you confronted him. Also it is wrong of him to think about moving her in, rather than consulting you first. She should have her own apartment, and be the one to pay for it. He should alternate between her apartment and yours. If it's too expensive to find a place close to where you live, then he and she will just have to cope with her living further away.

Honestly, I don't see any benefit to you from this poly situation.

Your fun budget should match his dating budget. That's the etiquette for that. Also there should be a budget for you and him to do things together.

If he won't do homework on his own initiative, you might want to assign him homework. Give him books to read, give him links to articles, videos, and podcasts, and have him report back to you. I know, it sounds like you being like his teacher, and him like your student, but that's what you may need to do if he won't do it on his own.

To me it sounds like he is taking his relationship with you for granted. Like you have concerns that your relationship with him is ailing, and he just waves those concerns aside. And then he frames it romantically, like, "Nothing can tear us apart, babe, cause we are too perfect together." This way he can let you do all the work. Because you are the only one who worries, and you (supposedly) don't need to worry.

He should be willing to go on one "big" date with you at least once a week.

Anyway those are some of my initial thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Urraca]

I'm sorry I fell off the face of the planet on this thread but I wanted to thank you all and give an update. I think I have to split this into two posts... but here I go!


The reason I stopped replying was because I presented the dating menu thing to my spouse and it didn't really go as one would hope... His entire menu was "maybe"s with the exception of just a couple strong No's that have always been the case (ex, no kids). Even all the kinks were "maybe", level of meeting metamours was "maybe". No strong "Yes definitely"s. I asked him about this and he said it was confusing and stupid. Ultimately, he doesn't like me researching polyamory stuff and said the concept of having to do so was "retarded" (context: a word we never use normally in our household). He compared it to "do gay or trans people need to study for 1 - 2 years before coming out?" Which, honestly, I think if someone's unsure about something like that, why not! But I digress.

I felt discouraged and didn't want to get excited about more information I wouldn't get to do anything with.

Since I last talked to y'all, I have opened my own bank account and honestly, it's energized me so much! I plan to visit various friends around the country (USA), we're planning a trip to Chicago together My surgery therapist has recommended I seek routine therapy as the impending move + surgery + polyamory are all major transitions. I still research polyam stuff but limit don't overdo it anymore. My husband and I do go on regular dates. This has included a walk by the ocean, ice cream, and going to a mall we both used to visit a lot as teenagers.

Since then, my husband has met his girlfriend and things went well for them.

However, I am messaging with bad news. I have been seething over something for over a week now and really don't have any place to express it. I need some honest help from experienced folks...

To start, I will say I have a boundary where I don't want to hear about the girlfriend very much anymore which has translated to my husband as "never talk about her". I'm fine with this, but this boundary has been a problem. My husband and the gf seem to see it as an unwarranted wall that makes things difficult and unpeaceful. In example, as my husband was mid-travel on the trip, he mentioned he packed soup cans to save on dinner. I replied "I don't want any details but please do more together than just eat soup cans at a motel," to which he responded with details about how they'd be going to the zoo and asked if I'd want pictures of the animals.

I was very hurt and upset for him to reply this way. I didn't say anything until the Sunday after the date because I didn't want them to reschedule their plans to ruin their first impressions of each other, but they were mad at me when I brought it up. One thing I mentioned while doing so is it makes me not want to go to a zoo ever with my husband, it's something I always wanted to do but we never got around to doing.

My thinking is that first dates are special and you'll always be reminded of that magical first date, especially if you're still dating that person, so there'd be no going to the zoo without my husband thinking about the time he went to the zoo with gf. Equally so, I think it'd be weird if he took her to a brazilian grill sometime because he'd probably be reminded of our first date. Any other date I think is fine, it's the fact that it's a first date location.

I have no clue if this is a very monogamous thing I'm thinking of, if it's generally considered a little rude, or if I'm overthinking it. They can't see my reasoning at all and think what I'm saying is that if my husband does something with me, then he can't do it with anyone else. But I keep telling them I didn't even want to hear about this date, I wanted to be completely in the dark!

I'll admit, in my anger, I compared my husband's actions to treating me how his mother treats him. I shouldn't have said that and apologized, but I wanted to include that here for extra context.

Additionally, it put a spotlight on the dates by comparison. Before he went on his trip, we had a date but it was to pick up wings at a restaurant that'll be right next to the apartment we'll be moving to soon. I see his reasonings, but the date amounted to taking the food home and watching tv shows. Food dates are kind of weird in general for me right now because I could only eat ~2 wings and then I spend the rest of the time just watching tv while he eats. But then part of the way through watching tv, he started packing for the trip, switching out his earrings to more comfortable ones for the trip, and then was on his phone. It wasn't a great date and I was already down about it before I learned that they got to go to the zoo.

But when I try to bring up what feels like double standards, they both think I'm turning things into a competition and that I'm being too jealous and insecure. And I am insecure and jealous, but I more meant it in the same way someone might ask, "Hey, why did I get a new t-shirt while Kathy got a new car?" Maybe that's still insecurity but I don't think it's unreasonable of me to ask.


TMI sexual territory ---
Admittedly, we haven't had sex since he's gotten back. For the first week or so, the concept just made me feel uncomfortable. It's not too weird for us to have infrequent sex anyway since I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum but during that week it just felt too soon to me. There were a few points where he tried to initiate something and I turned him down saying "No, that makes me uncomfortable."

After the week, I sought him out for reassurance. I just wanted him to tell me that he wouldn't think about his gf while we had sex. I know we should expect that from our partners; we should trust that in our partners, but I wanted to hear it so that I felt safe to have sex and know it'd be about just me and him. He did reassure me, but then brought things around to me making comparisons and that it isn't a competition and that it's not about one of us being better than the other. He then brought up that she was a virgin and she was on her period, breaking that TMI about gf boundary again.
I was more upset than angry but I mostly just defended myself. That I wasn't trying to make it a competition or worried about who was better, I don't want to hear about her body or boob size, but that I just wanted to end my concern that he might accidentally call her name.

Again, I don't really know if I'm being unreasonable on this stuff or if I should just let him talk about her freely until I'm desensitized, but there was no shred of me that wanted to hear she was on her period or the implication that comes with her being less experienced.

During the discussion, he brought up that he was upset and knew that was my problem when I rejected his advances. He was a bit angry saying these things. He told me if I am going to turn him down, that I shouldn't say "No, that makes me uncomfortable" in an uncomfortable voice, but that I should use a gentler tone and say something like "no no no, but we can still cuddle/etc." I've never been in a situation like this before but would really like some insight if anyone has any to give...

---End of TMI sexual territory

 

[Urraca]

In the end I rambled a bit about things upsetting me and honestly, I should have stopped sooner. During it, he also expressed some things he would like me to do.
1. Cuddle with him more, like being the big spoon more. I have since started doing this.
2. Occasionally jump up from my work station (I'm an artist) to greet him excitedly when he gets home and ask him how his day was. Frankly, no, I don't see myself doing this because I'm kind of a low energy person, I'm not a giddy girl, and disrupting detangling myself from my work station to do feels intrusive. I've always greeted him by saying hello and welcome back with a smile, and whether prompted or not (varies), hearing about his day.
3. To talk to his gf and tell her that I don't hate her. I thought she wasn't talking to me anymore because of me saying I didn't want to hear about her, that maybe he told her not to talk to me, and I was fine with that even though I didn't ask for it. But apparently, she felt like I held a lot of animosity toward her and was scared of talking to me. My husband said it'd mean a lot to him if I'd do this, and said "I understand it's a big ask, and you don't have to do it right now but please do it sometime."

...And so, I did 3 the next day. I contacted her, told her that my husband told me how she was feeling worried, and then I gave a positive message about how I think she's nice and wish the best for her, and their relationship.

She replied that she wouldn't talk to me unless I apologized. I asked for what, and from there it turned into an argument. During it, she said I am putting up walls and making things "harder for everyone." That I don't do anything in my relationship with my husband and when I said I do she demanded I list what, and then picked apart everything I did as unnecessary, invalid or a requirement. In example, I suggested me and him do couple's therapy and he said no, and the gf agreed that it was invalid. I tried to end the conversation there, pointing out we just don't see eye-to-eye but she persisted the conversation.

She said I need to have "adult conversations", and not to bitch to my husband about this later (and then told me I bitch 90% of the time), she said I keep things in until I blow up about them. That I turn everything into an argument, including the night before. I told her that it wasn't an argument, it was just kind of bad, sad news. She said I really pissed off my husband.

She said I've been hurting my husband for a year but that these past ~4 months have been the worst. That she wants me to see how wrong I've been and how I hurt him. (And admittedly upon her saying this I also told my husband, hey, if I've been hurting you then maybe we should stop doing this. To please consider divorce if I'm hurting him. He said came home, said he loves me, asks if I love him (I said yes) and then took a nap and never talked about it again).

She was very angry I was upset about the zoo thing. She said I don't treat her like a human with feelings and that the comparisons I'm making need to stop. She pushed me about finding a therapist and when I said I was, she said "well don't just stop after a few calls." She and him think if my insecurity and jealousy stop then everything will be okay, and that's why they really want me in therapy. She was mad she can't go on dates like the zoo if I want to do them, saying I was being restrictive. She insisted that eventually, she and my husband WILL live together and I need to get my act together (but then during the conversation, she backpedaled a little to say "as long as I can see her everyday then that's fine), but I've already made the two apartment suggestion and I didn't even bring up the things y'all said about how she should 100% pay for it.

At the end she apologized and said she came into this conversation too hot but honestly, the damage was done. Since I hadn't talked to her in so long and our time talking was so brief, this means that all her information about me is coming from my husband. It hurts that what he says about me to her makes her conclude I bitch 90% of the time, etc. The fact that she brought up the comparisons means he immediately vented to her about what I wanted reassurance on the night before. It also hurts that he'd talk to her about me but then expect us to talk or be on good terms. To me, that goes from venting to talking behind someone's back, but I also don't know the norm for polyam relationships.. I just know that'd be bad news in a platonic friend group.

It made me kind of give up. Like, what's the point in talking about how I feel if it's going to be seen as bitching 90% of the time? I feel unsafe talking to my husband about my problems if they're being not only seen this poorly but then told immediately to his gf.

I wanted to cool off and think about it for a few days. After that, I decided to take screenshots of the whole conversation and show my husband. I figured he should know, and I didn't want to paraphrase anything. His only big rule for me and her was he didn't want us to ever fight.

I told him I wanted him to read it, but that we didn't necessarily need to talk about it, that we'd only do so if he wants to, but I admitted that I've "lost my fire, and I have no will to fight for anything or give a shit about anything right now."

He said he'd read it, said he had a lot to think about, came home late so he could shop for shoes, and then got on his computer, and we never talked about it. I don't know if he ever talked to his girlfriend about it, it's just a weird dark zone right now.


I've vented to some friends (that aren't his friends), I've journaled about it, I'm exercising a lot, I've treated myself to a new book, but nothing seems to get all of this out of my mind. Our anniversary is in a week, and I've been working on a piece of art for him but it's been hard on me mentally. But I feel like I really need to do something extra nice for him if he feels like I haven't been doing anything at all. I'm not even confident he'll remember our anniversary, he's already mixed up the date for it twice in the past month (he thought it was in a whole different month the first time!) and that's never happened before.

I don't know what I can do to improve myself to better handle the situation, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if this relationship as a polyam one just doesn't work for me. I know if this polyam situation is not for me, then it's divorce time, and that's not a decision I want to take lightly or make hastily. I'm really down, and I don't know what to do...


Thank you for reading. I wish I had a happy update but alas...

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for the vent.

Glad you have your own bank account.

Glad you reduced "poly study time" to a certain window and aren't trying to read the whole internet.

He compared it to "do gay or trans people need to study for 1 - 2 years before coming out?" Which, honestly, I think if someone's unsure about something like that, why not! But I digress.

If they are worried about being "out" and family kicking them out and disowning them when still dependent? Worried about hate crimes? Things being weird at work? Yeah, they do put some thought into it. But that's neither here nor there, because LGBTQ+ issues are not what you and he are dealing with.

You like to plan ahead. He jumps in feet first. You have different styles. If you are going to stick with him, you have to make it so his "jumping in feet first" doesn't ding YOU. Pack your own parachute.

To start, I will say I have a boundary where I don't want to hear about the girlfriend very much anymore which has translated to my husband as "never talk about her". I'm fine with this, but this boundary has been a problem.

You can have whatever personal boundary you want. All you need is the calendar and basics for sex health.

In example, as my husband was mid-travel on the trip, he mentioned he packed soup cans to save on dinner. I replied "I don't want any details but please do more together than just eat soup cans at a motel," to which he responded with details about how they'd be going to the zoo and asked if I'd want pictures of the animals.

I see that as YOU not obeying your own boundary. They can eat only soup if they want. It's not your problem or responsibility to deal with -- it's their dinner. It seems he viewed it as you making a bid for casual conversation. So he made zoo chit chat and offered to share pix. Well, what's wrong with that? People on vacation frequently do share pix with friends and relatives.

If it's that YOU need more time and space to adjust to him having a GF and you feel sensitive, obey your own boundary. Don't get involved in what they have for dinner. They are adults. If they want to eat just soup, they can do that.

but they were mad at me when I brought it up. One thing I mentioned while doing so is it makes me not want to go to a zoo ever with my husband, it's something I've always wanted to do, but we never got around to doing.

I encourage you to talk to a poly counselor about these feelings rather than blurting it out to them.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

It might hurt that you see him making an effort with his dates with GF if he's been phoning it in with you with wings and then not even being PRESENT for the TV show, but starting to do chores.

Instead of complaining she gets "nicer zoo dates," how about you ask for a nice date for you, zoo or otherwise?

I could be wrong. But from reading it it kinda comes across like petty sibling rivalry. "But why does Timmy get to do that? I didn't get to go to the zoo!" Well, did you ask him out for a zoo date in all this time?

My thinking is that first dates are special and you'll always be reminded of that magical first date, especially if you're still dating that person

How YOU think about things is not how other people think about things.

I can't even remember the first date I had with my DH. I'm sure it was nice and I remember the early part of our relationship being lots of fun. But nope. Still dating him, but after these many decades together, I have no idea if it was ice skating, a movie, a walk in the park or just Denny's. I remember we did that kind of stuff back then, but I don't know the order. He doesn't either.

Could you be projecting too much of your own stuff onto your spouse?

Maybe that's still insecurity but I don't think it's unreasonable of me to ask.

It is HOW you do the asking.

"DH, how come you take her to the zoo and not me?"

"DH, I found this museum thing that looks neat. I'd like to ask you out to attend. Would you be interested in a date like that?"

Do you hear how different each sounds?

"I just wanted him to tell me that he wouldn't think about his gf while we had sex."

I wanted to hear it so that I would feel safe to have sex and know it'd be about just me and him. He did reassure me, but then brought things around to me making comparisons, that it isn't a competition and that it's not about one of us being better than the other. He then brought up that she was a virgin and she was on her period, breaking that TMI about gf boundary again.

I don't know why he's not hearing you. It's reasonable not to talk about other people when sharing sex.

So this is where you enforce your boundary better.

"DH, I just asked you to reassure me that this could be sex, just you and me. And here you are bringing things up about her. I'm willing to talk, but NOW? No. I think we best have a regular check-in time to deal with poly things, so that sex time between us can be just that."

Maybe this helps you.

RADAR — Multiamory

www.multiamory.com

You need to do more work on detangling.

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

He needs to do more work on not oversharing and not being a sloppy hinge.

334 - What Makes a Good Hinge Partner — Multiamory

Being a hinge partner can be tough sometimes. This episode focuses on some unique struggles that hinge partners may face, some common pitfalls, and what it takes to be a good hinge partner.

www.multiamory.com

Both might need this.

The Other Skipped Step in Opening Up — MAKING POLYAMORY WORK

Transcript Why is it that some monogamous couples who open up their relationship end up blowing everything apart while others don't are the people who make it work just better. People immune to jealousy at one, with the abundance of love while the people who end up bitter and broken, just aren't

www.makingpolyamorywork.com

Again, I don't really know if I'm being unreasonable on this stuff or if I should just let him talk about her freely until I'm desensitized. But there was no shred of me that wanted to hear she was on her period or the implication that comes with her being less experienced.

You do NOT need to know any of that.

"During the discussion, he brought up that he was upset and knew that was my problem when I rejected his advances. He was a bit angry saying these things. He told me if I am going to turn him down, that I shouldn't say 'No, that makes me uncomfortable' in an uncomfortable voice, but that I should use a gentler tone and say something like, 'No no no, but we can still cuddle/etc.'

I've never been in a situation like this before but would really like some insight if anyone has any to give..."

He's not wrong. You are NOT obligated to share sex with anyone. But you could have offered a hug since he was clearly making a bid to reconnect. Pick something you ARE up for.

On the flip side, if that's what he wants, he can ASK for a hug.

I could be wrong. But it's like you're both going around wanting "mind readering" and feel rejected if the other one doesn't magically know "the perfect answer" or "the perfect way to behave," when this is all new to BOTH of you.

I get it's new. It's his first date/trip with a new partner. It's the first time navigating "back at home." So give each other some grace there. There WILL be some wobble. You are both learning this new thing.

Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

1. Cuddle with him more, like being the big spoon more. I have since started doing this.

That's a rational and reasonable request. It seems like you are making an effort.

2. Occasionally jump up from my work station (I'm an artist) to greet him excitedly when he gets home and ask him how his day was.

It might be his coming home, but YOU are still "at work at my office." If he just came into your work office somewhere else, you are supposed to jump up and greet him and disrupt your work flow? It's ok to counter offer: "How about we reconnect over tea when MY work day is done, or at dinner?"

3. To talk to his gf and tell her that I don't hate her. I thought she wasn't talking to me anymore because of me saying I didn't want to hear about her, that maybe he told her not to talk to me, and I was fine with that even though I didn't ask for it. But apparently, she felt like I held a lot of animosity toward her and was scared of talking to me. My husband said it'd mean a lot to him if I'd do this, and said "I understand it's a big ask, and you don't have to do it right now but please do it sometime."

Why would she even KNOW?

She replied that she wouldn't talk to me unless I apologized. I asked for what, and from there it turned into an argument.

Honestly, it sounds like your DH has been using her for a "free therapist," unloading all the things he should have been telling YOU, or a counselor first, and then you. And because she's besotted with him, she doesn't see the poor hinge behavior, just lashes out at you. Trying to solve it from the back door -- like if she gets you to stop doing X, then HE won't complain at her, and then SHE is free of his complaining. When really, she could tell him she's not his free therapist and to stop leaking things from one side of the V onto the other, solving it more directly.

At the end she apologized and said she came into this conversation too hot but honestly, the damage was done.

Well, she apologized. It sounds like she was holding in a lot. Really, most of that belongs on the HINGE, but it came whooshing out on you. It sounds like the sloppy hinge is oversharing on BOTH sides.

You could cool off. Tell her you appreciate the apology, that you are seeking counseling, and you don't hate her, but dislike this sloppy hinge stuff. It is stressing you out. Things are leaking from one side of the V to the other and he is trying to get each of you to be the "free therapist" for his problems with the other one. Tell her you plan to talk this all out with a counselor.

Your meta can expect you to go very low contact, like only get in touch if he's sick or goes to the hospital.

There. Done.

Then just maintain very low contact, and whatever whooshies he does to her again, she can advocate for her own self with him.

It hurts that what he says about me to her makes her conclude I bitch 90% of the time, etc. The fact that she brought up the comparisons means he immediately vented to her about what I wanted reassurance on the night before. It also hurts that he'd talk to her about me but then expect us to talk or be on good terms. To me, that goes from venting to talking behind someone's back, but I also don't know the norm for polyam relationships.. I just know that'd be bad news in a platonic friend group.

Again, he's doing sloppy hinge stuff, "passing the buck," expecting each of you to do some of his hinge work, rather than doing it himself.

It made me kind of give up. Like, what's the point in talking about how I feel if it's going to be seen as bitching 90% of the time? I feel unsafe talking to my husband about my problems if they're being not only seen this poorly but then told immediately to his gf.

Yup. I think you could suggest counseling. He isn't holding a safe space for you in this relationship if he's just gonna blab your private things to other people.

I wanted to cool off and think about it for a few days. After that, I decided to take screenshots of the whole conversation and show my husband. I figured he should know, and I didn't want to paraphrase anything. His only big rule for me and her was he didn't want us to ever fight.

He doesn't get to dictate that. People can do healthy conflict resolution, or not. But that's between those two people, not him.

I told him I wanted him to read it, but that we didn't necessarily need to talk about it, that we'd only do so if he wants to, but I admitted that I've "lost my fire, and I have no will to fight for anything or give a shit about anything right now."

He said he'd read it, said he had a lot to think about, came home late so he could shop for shoes, and then got on his computer, and we never talked about it. I don't know if he ever talked to his girlfriend about it, it's just a weird dark zone right now.

He sounds avoidant, like "sweep it under the rug" or "pretend it never happened." Again, consider counseling, for just you and for the couple. And speak up: "I know you wanted some time to reflect. I just needed a date on the calendar. WHEN can we talk about this? Would you be willing to talk it out with a counselor? I am willing to set that up."

I don't know what I can do to improve myself to better handle the situation, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if this relationship as a polyam one just doesn't work for me. I know if this polyam situation is not for me, then it's divorce time, and that's not a decision I want to take lightly or make hastily. I'm really down, and I don't know what to do...

I cannot tell if it is "new to this" turbulence, like he needs to figure out hinge skills, and you and the GF need to figure out meta skills and how to tell when the HINGE is being sloppy, and how to call him on that poor behavior rather than blame each other, OR if you are discovering that your husband's style of doing poly is not compatible with your style. Maybe you could do poly with other people who are more compatible and more considerate, but you can't do it with HIM. Or maybe you are discovering you aren't into polyamory at all.

That is something only you can figure out, maybe with help of a counselor. Internet people can help you with 1 or 2 things, but this sounds like A LOT of things, so maybe it's time for professional help.

Galagirl

 

[Urraca]

Galagirl

Thank you so much for the insight. I'm going to do the legwork you're suggesting and make sure that, in seeking a counselor, I find someone who has a specialty in this subject. I'm going to be a lot better about my boundaries and following my own boundaries, and definitely love that tea idea as a compromise!

Until I had that fight with the girlfriend, I was always pretty vocal about what was bothering me and if something felt hurtful. That's ultimately why they both, or just her, feel like I bitch 90% of the time. I'll do my best about that blurting stuff out I do without also stopping good communication like I have been lately. I'm sure that'll take time, but from all that you've said, I'm sure it'll make a huge difference.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm glad you took it in the spirit intended.

I get that it is tricky for you right now, especially since he doesn't want to read anything.

- There's a space between "oversharing/blurting" and then "asking for reasonable support as a partner."
- There's a space between "pass the buck" and "owning it."
- There's a space between "communication that centers people and solves problems" and "communication that puts people off and just makes things worse."

Maybe you want to read about non-violent communication steps, and see if that helps lower the temperature on some of these conversations.

The only one you can manage is you. So yeah... think about a poly counselor.

YMMV, but you could start there.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

As for the GF-- you aren't dating her. He can deal with her and her upsets if he's oversharing with her and she's getting all cranked up as a result.

You can be basic polite, but step back from that too. You two don't have to be pals.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

 

[Urraca]

I'm glad you took it in the spirit intended.


Maybe you want to read about non-violent communication steps and see if that helps lower the temperature on some of these conversations.

Yes! Very much want to learn! I do try to use non-violent communication and whatnot. Its mileage varies. One thing I need to tackle is using "but" less, as even when I make sure to acknowledge what my husband says, once a "but" or other disagreeing word is put in there, he feels as though I'm not hearing him. I'm studying communication videos/articles here and there to improve.

The only one you can manage is you. So yeah... think about a poly counselor.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Definitely... I wish my spouse were more open to couple's counseling. I think a professional third party would be helpful. But I can at least seek it out for myself.

As for the GF?-- you aren't dating her. He can deal with her and her upsets if he's oversharing with her and she's getting all cranked up as a result.

You ca be basic polite, but step back from that too. You two don't have to be pals.

Honestly, that's a relief... I will reach out to her soon with very simple politeness and appreciation.

Oh! You asked before if I'd ever asked to go to the zoo! The answer is yes, for like a decade... I mostly draw animals for a living, and we live semi-close to a zoo that I went to as a child, etc., etc. So I am very much dying to go to a zoo! But it's always been just enough out of the way that we couldn't conveniently plan it around his work schedule, or something would come up that we would have to use those funds on instead.

My love for zoos/animals is why my husband offered to send me pictures of the animals. I can understand that he offered that with good intentions, but it definitely felt like I was a kid being offered photos of Disneyland (with the added discomfort of my growing pains).

Your perspective on a first date does make it sound like it varies how much someone cares about that stuff than I would have imagined. I definitely care, and maybe my husband wouldn't think much of it, but I still think I'd be too discouraged to want to go with him... at least for the time being. However, part of the reason my friends and I chose to plan a trip to Chicago is to go to that zoo! So I'm at least not waiting around on his schedule to go somewhere I really want to go.

 

[GalaGirl]

One thing I need to tackle is using "but" less, as even when I make sure to acknowledge what my husband says, once a "but" or other disagreeing word is put in there, he feels as though I'm not hearing him.

Wow. I don't know what to tell you, but just reading this makes me tired. Now you can't say "But" in a sentence? Sheesh. He sure wants a lot from you, but then doesn't do much back.

• He won't educate himself on poly.
• He won't see a counselor.
• He won't respect your boundaries about not oversharing TMI.
• He grumps that you didn't want sex when he wanted sex and didn't at least offer to cuddle him.
• You can't say the word "but" or else he complains you aren't hearing him.

What is this? He's doing the mememememe show, where everything is for him? When do you get a turn for something? It's like your husband expects you to carry him a LOT.

Maybe you want to try other approaches, like swapping out "but" for "and," and see if that works any better.

• "Yes, I see you offered to share zoo pix. That's nice. AND I'd also like to go to the zoo some time. Would you be willing to go with me? "

Or even ask for repeat backs.

• "Let me repeat that back in my own words so I know I got it how you meant it. "
• "Okay. Now you repeat that back in your own words so I know you got it how I meant it."

OR. you could simply take a break, and NOT do any more "extra" emotional labor on this. You can't carry him forever. Definitely do not carry his GF.

However, part of the reason my friends and I chose to plan a trip to Chicago is to go to that zoo! So I'm at least not waiting around on his schedule to go somewhere I really want to go.

Good for you! Go get your zoo on with your friends then. You don't have to wait on him!

But it's always been just enough out of the way that we couldn't conveniently plan around his work schedule or something would come up that we would have to use those funds on instead.

It's disappointing when the New Shiny Person seems to get the extra effort and the Nesting Partner gets the "in a rut/boring" stuff. Now I get you not being excited about visiting a zoo with him any time soon.

At the same time, you CAN ask him out on other dates and try on your end. But you can't FORCE him. And don't beg.


Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

This is all not exactly the same, by a long shot, but I am hearing echoes of my ex-husband in this kind of behavior from your husband. The increasing demands. The "nothing is ever enough" stuff. The "don't say but, etc." stuff.

In our case, my ex used to say he didn't feel that I loved him enough.

Me: What can I do to show my love?
Him: Make me lunches for work. I like to see something from you in the middle of the day.

Me: Makes him sandwiches for months/or a year, every day, with two kids hanging on my legs and one on my boob, me unshowered, uncaffeinated, not having had time to eat breakfast or poop yet.
Him: drinks coffee, eats breakfast, shits, showers and off to work with the lunch.

Him: still grumpy
Me: What's wrong, honey?
Him: I don't want sandwiches, I want yummy leftovers, or steamed broccoli and a baked potato with ranch on them.

Me: Makes sure to make enough dinner for leftovers, or microwaves potato and broccoli and puts it all in a Tupperware.

Him: still grumpy
Me: What's wrong honey?
Him: inarticulate
Me: Goes and buys cute lovey stickers and puts stickers on his Tupperware (like he's 6 years old).

Also me: Makes sure when he comes home, to keep the kids off him for 15 minutes so he can eat and go potty or whatever

Him: still grumpy
Me: What's wrong honey?
Him: We don't have enough sex.
Me: has sex with him pretty much every day

Him: still grumpy
Me: What's wrong honey?
Him: We need to go out on more dates without kids.
Me: plans dates, hires sitter, goes on dates

Him: Let's be poly and we can have threesomes!
Me: reads Ethical Slut (he doesn't), attempts
Him: falls in love with other woman, out of "love" with me

Us: couples counseling
Therapist: Mags is doing/saying all the right things.
Therapist: fires him as a patient after a year

Me: Does another year of therapy alone
Me: I want a divorce