New, need advice plz!

[mrspolycurious]

Hi everyone! I am mrspolycurious and I am new. I feel like I'm in a "AA meeting" or something! lol

I don't know if I'm "coming out," or just fed up with denying what I want.

A little about me: married with children (mostly grown). I am 41, feel like I'm in my prime, very active and young-looking and acting. I have worked in various fields, from banking to office to hair stylist. I am currently a stay-at-home writer of erotica, and this leads me to my fascination, if you will, with polyamory. I had researched several sites as I was writing my first book and became intrigued with triad relationships. I began reading everything I could get my hands on about loving triads, quads, etc.

So, for the past few years I have been actually "craving" this loving type of relationship. Could it just be my very over-active writer's imagination running rampant? Well, yes, of course. But you see, I also believe I dream about future events, not world-shattering, but things that are about my life.

Since I was a small girl I have had dreams, you know, about small things... painting something, seeing someone I hadn't seen in a while, etc., that came true. Anyway, off subject a little, but it correlates. So, I started having dreams of two different men. Very vivid dreams, nothing sexual, mind you... Well, sometimes they were. But we were doing wild things, like running from enemies, running from tornados, etc. And yes, I see I am always running in my dreams, and I realize I have been running from my feelings... Yada yada yada.

But these dreams stayed with me into my waking conscious and have embedded into my every thought... not really the dreams, but the guys. I see their faces, and I don't know them, but I want to find them.

And, like I said, I am married and he DOES NOT SHARE! We have been married for many years. We have grown way apart, but he will not change or let me go easily. He is old school, vanilla sex, etc., and I am NOT. I have always done what was expected of me, married the HS sweetheart, raised the kids, stayed for the kids, etc. But now I want something different.

I want my two other halves. I feel great that I can type this and hopefully not be condemned here in this forum! Maybe they are not out there, but what if they are. I promise I am NOT CRAZY! Well, not enough to count, anyway! haha

I just would like some feedback on my circumstance. I know it kinda sounds as if I am basing my outlook on my lifestyle on a dream, or several dreams... But I have dreamed about these guys for many years before I found out about polyamory. It has all just kinda meshed together.

Would I stay with my husband if he was into being polyamorous with me? I don't know. We have had a lot of strife in our relationship and I really am just done! I am just waiting around for the right opportunity to come my way so I can become independent from him.

Okay... I guess that's a lot to say on a first post, but I had to get it all, well, most of this out of me!

Any helpful suggestions?

Thx and I hope every1 is having an awesome day!
Peace, love & chocolate cupcakes!
mrspolycurious

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, MPC. Welcome to the forum.

It's a bit odd you'd choose Mrs Something as your screenname when you're thinking of leaving your husband.

It's great you're dreaming big and want to spread your wings now that you're in your 40s and want to live larger than you have been. However, you know real life isn't erotic literature... really making polyamory work is nothing like a sex fantasy. If fantasy gets too "thinky," and there are tears and self-doubt and jealous rages and sulking, it kinda kills the sexy feelings you're striving for in the fantasy.

If your marriage is really on the rocks, focus on getting out, getting a new apartment, dealing with your kids' feelings, employment/money issues, etc.

If you then have time to also pursue new relationships, go for it. I separated from my ex in September '08, and met my new partner in Jan '09, kind of by accident, but my kids were all older teens or in their early 20s at the time... I still have to juggle their needs, as well as my divorce proceedings, money issues, etc.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Hello and welcome!

Have a very short moment before having to run, but my view on this? Work out the divorce with your husband first before pursuing poly. There are a few ladies (and probably gents, too!) here who have gone through divorce from long monogamous unions and are now actively practicing polyamory. Are you, in your heart of hearts, just looking for something that would trigger your husband to initiate the divorce, and save you from making the final decision?

 

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Welcome to the Forum.

Would I stay with my husband if he was into being polyamorous with me? I don't know. We have had a lot of strife in our relationship and I really am just done! I am just waiting around for the right opportunity to come my way so I could become independent from him.

I'm kind of curious, and perhaps a little concerned about the last part of this statement...
What exactly do you mean by 'right opportunity'? Is that a matter of a decent job, or market conditions to make moving out viable? Or is it a euphemism for finding another guy to sweep you off your feet and take you away?

 

[mrspolycurious]

Thanks all, for these first few replies.

Mags, I know fantasy is always just that, a fantasy. Real life is hard.

And about the husband, I don't know how many people fall into the everyday rut, and all passion, both for the spouse and for life in general, goes away. I have left him several times, even divorced him, twice. Yes, this seems crazy. But I came back both times for the kids.

I made it work, and continue to do so. I can be a great actor, and no one, but maybe my mom, knows exactly how I feel. I fall into that Southern, and maybe not so Southern, way of: husband is "lord" and wifey minds well. But I just don't mind well anymore! lol

My small area is Baptist-dominated. Everything "worldly" is frowned upon. I am in a very difficult position.

For the record, by "opportunity," I mean some job so I can make my own $$$.

I know I have to take care of my current situation first, and go on from there, which is a scary thing. He doesn't want me working, and that would be great, but it makes me very dependent upon him, just the way he likes it.

But maybe it is better to dream, and write about it. It's simpler. I'm sure I am not the only unhappy woman to stay in a unhappy marriage. It is a very common thing here.

But thanks for the input. That's what I asked for, right? lol

 

[Derbylicious]

If your mom is aware of how you feel, is it possible to leave your husband and go and live with her for a while, while you get your feet on the ground with a job? If you want out of your marriage, get out of your marriage. What I see happening, if you stay where you are, is that you won't be able to financially leave until you find someone else to support you. At one point you loved your husband. You have raised kids with him and you have had a life together. To leave him for someone else, someone "better," just sucks. It's a cowardly way out.

I know I sound harsh, but I have been on the outside of this looking in with a couple of close friends last year. The fallout sucks for everyone around you when you split up because of cheating. Since there isn't anyone else in the picture right now, it's time to work on a doable plan to get out of the marriage for the sake of ending the marriage, not because there's something shiny and new on the horizon. Once the marriage is over (and be firm with him that it is and you're not coming back), then you can start pursuing other relationships, and other forms of relationships.

 

[Carma]

I am just wondering if there is anything worth salvaging in the marriage. It is so hard to open the mind to new ideas about love and marriage. Do you think he would be willing, at all?

Is he a good dad? How important is co-parenting? How well do you work as a team, in that regard, at least?

I don't know... I'm wondering a lot about divorce and if it has to be the only solution. The mainstream world seems to think so, but here in "Polyworld" people seem to ask "what if?" and consider alternative solutions.

Does your husband LOVE you? Underneath all he has learned, and been conditioned to believe, does he just want to possess you and be in control, or do you think there is some genuine kindness and respect for you as a human being?

I find that sometimes, what I am rejecting and resentful of is the institution of marriage, as it has been traditionally defined, rather than the actual person I am married to. Sometimes that is hard for me to sort out. It can be hard for me to remember that my husband is as much a victim of the conditioning as I am.

Just some food for thought...

 

[redpepper]

Oooo Carma, I like what you say here! I would wonder the same thing, too. What if you were to throw the rules of marriage out and work on an alternative?

mrspolycurious, if you have been and gone a few times, and come back, obviously, this is not working, and your husband knows it. Maybe suggesting to him that you live together, you doing your wifely duties, him doing his husbandly duties, the two of you free to pursue others, until such time as you find a job and move out and your kids are grown... That way it all "looks good," especially as he seems to think there is value in that.

I think, if this were me, I would find the best-case scenario and go from there. What would be the best for you and your family? If you ask for the above, and he says no, what is second best? What is third best? In that way you keep your integrity, and are honest and open until everyone settles into something that is workable for all. If he says no the first time, then keep asking! It's not fair for him to have control in this. If he insists, then you get to pick the best scenario, which sounds like you leaving. In this way, you are respectful to him, considerate of your family dynamic and the cultural concerns within your community. Better to start there, I think, than to seem selfish.

Finding this illusive triad is the least of your concerns, it seems. I would suggest that the dreams and fantasies you are having are more about having adventure, and moving on in your life as a single woman. Sure, a triad might happen one day...

Actually, what you describe sounds more like a vee than a triad. Do these men have sex and their own relationship apart from you, in these dreams? If they do, then that is a triad. For some reason, the term triad is lumped onto any configuration where there are three. The description is confusing to me, as to me there are huge differences between triads and vees.

I am in a MFM vee. I am also 41. I have a husband and a live-in boyfriend. We raise a child together. My husband and I never were concerned with the state of marriage and what was expected of us as a married couple. We never put any of those roles on each other and never subscribed to any norm. At one point, we used to say that he was the wife and I was the husband, in terms of roles. It's pretty much true now, actually. It is possible to create whatever you want out of your marriage.

I don't know what living in the South is like. I live on the west coast of Canada. But perhaps freeing yourself from everyone's expectations, asking your husband to do the same, and figuring out what would work better would be a good place to start.

Maybe just getting out into the world, doing some traveling, exploring different cultures within your own country, and in North America in general, would help open your mind to possibilities, and give you the confidence to ask for what you need. Anything is possible, and it is all valid to ask for.

Please don't cheat, though. It's really not a good option. Do a tag search for "cheating" and "affairs" and you will see some disastrous results. You might think your husband doesn't care what you do, but I would be very surprised if he cared so little that cheating wouldn't affect him.

 

[Magdlyn]

Wow. You and your husband divorced twice? So, you married him, divorced him, married again, divorced again. Are you married AGAIN, or just living together, at this point?

I am divorcing and already receiving alimony. I can live on it if I am careful with my money. If our kids weren't adults, my soon to be ex would also be paying me child support.

There *are* people living in unconventional arrangements in the Bible Belt. It can be done. If you really want it, you can get it. Takes courage. It's scary. You might want to move to a bigger city in your state, where there are more alternative people. Or heck, move to one of the coasts.

I know you see yourself at age 41 living an inauthentic life, hiding in your erotic daydreams and writing. There is more out there, options you can find, if you just have the strength to do it.

 

[mrspolycurious]

Thanks so much, you guys, for your input, comments and suggestions. Greatly appreciated! I don't know where and who exactly to respond to.

I wish I could paint y'all a picture of life here. I mean, it is very rural. The mindset of "most" people is... well, I hate saying this, because it makes me sound bad, but it's ignorance (because most of them were born and raised here, present company included), and they don't like anything new, different, outside the box. They are very redneck, I mean, tobacco spittin,' coon hunting,' good ol' country boys.

Just a fun fact-- the movie Deliverance with Burt Reynolds was filmed about 20 miles from my house! haha

I see so many intelligent comments here that I wholeheartedly agree with. But, like, the suggestions about asking my husband, and telling him what I need, or want to experiment with-- he just wouldn't go for that. The way marriage around here is viewed is you marry your high school or college sweetheart, get pregnant right away, stay home, if you're lucky, and raise them until they go to school. Then have more kids, or get a job at a bank. (That is the big time job here.)

I am sorry, I make this place seem stupid, but I am so SICK of small-minded people!

Whew...okay, breathe. lol

I don't feel comfortable telling or asking my hubby all this stuff. For one, he is extremely homophobic, and two, he would accuse me of wanting to cheat on him. He sees marriage as one man/one woman only, because that is how we grew up, and what church says about it.

I don't know who my parents swapped me with, but I have never felt part of it around here! I am actually quite intelligent. It is hard to get my thoughts and points across to a husband that doesn't understand me.

I think there was a question about does he love me or control me? Ask my friends, and they would say, very loudly, CONTROL.. I know he thinks he loves me, but he is very controlling. I don't think he values me as a person. He compliments my mothering and wifey skills, and he does still find me attractive, but I wonder if it's not just easier than having to get out there at our age and start over.

I wish I could talk to him, and he wouldn't get mad and sulk around for days. I usually keep my wants inside. I guess they come out in dreams and my writing.

About the triad versus vee, I'm totally thinking triad. I totally find the idea of the MM in the MFM relationship exciting and sweet at the same time.

About my community, I only speak for those I know, who have been here since I have been... all our lives. I crave knowledge and learning about new things, but it seems most people here would rather let life pass them by and stay in their small bubble.

About traveling, my husband doesn't like to travel or fly. He said he will never leave the USA.

Just an example: I have recently learned I like to be spanked, or thought I would like it. So I hinted and told him to go ahead and do it (while having sex). He would lightly pat me. It took over 6 months to get him to do it hard enough to feel it! He said all the things I wanted to experiment with-- blindfolds, handcuffs, whippings, etc., he just wasn't comfortable doing.

I appreciate his honesty, but what about me? I guess that's selfish, but do I just push that aside because he isn't into it? (See where a third would be greatly appreciated?)

 

[SNeacail]

I don't know who my parents swapped me with but I have never felt part around here!

LOL! My brother and I are asking ourselves the same question. He and I have, independently, come to very similar ideas on stuff, and it is quite contrary to how our parents think they raised us, especially on religious stuff. In their world, there is just no room to disagree with their views.

I think there was a question about does he love me or control me. I know he thinks he loves me, but he is very controlling. I don't think he values me as a person.

I wish I could talk to him and he wouldn't get mad and sulk around for days. I usually keep my wants inside. I guess they come out in dreams and my writing.

Are your friends' opinions based on firsthand observations, or from listening to you complain? Sometimes we are too close to a situation to view it for what it really is.

It's not all that unusual for a guy to need to process stuff on his own for a few days. I think you are doing both of you a disservice by keeping everything inside. Maybe with the help of a marriage councelor (non-church affiliated) you can make some progress in your communications. My husband would dismiss things I was trying to say prior to us going to therapy, but she was able to get through to him that I had a legitimate issue that needed to be addressed. Even if you don't stay together, if you think he isn't showing you respect, I would strongly suggest therapy, because your kids will treat you exactly how they see their dad treating you.

Have you had him read any of your writing? That may be a place to start. Tell him that these are some of the things you fantasize about.

I totally find the idea of the MM in the MFM relationship exciting and sweet at the same time.

HEHE! I feel the same. But realize, I based on conversations I have had with my husband, they are, for the most part, totally unrealistic.

 

[redpepper]

Honey. Move on. Get your act together and move on. You have one life to live and one chance to live it. Seriously, I feel a panic attack coming on just thinking of what I would do if I were in that kind of life. You are young yet and there is so much to do! You will find people like you everywhere, just go find them. Community as you see it is just around the corner. Freeing yourself from your present situation is the first step.

 

[mrspolycurious]

SNeacil, you are very wise. My friends mostly only get my version, but sometimes they know from experience.

I have been doing some thinking. I thought maybe if I turn it around and tell him I'm flirting with a woman we know, and she is so beautiful, he might get into the groove...

NOT.

He will not go there at ALL.

Just now happened! He won't play with me at all.

So, Redpepper, I think you're right!!!