New normal??

mountaingirl

New member
Hey everyone!
I posted on here a while ago asking for advice on loving two men at one time (Jo (my husband, we recently got married! :)) and our friend P). I was given advice to chill out essentially and let them work through their feelings on their own (thanks @GalaGirl) and things have been pretty awesome lately! It's still really new, so my husband Jo occasionally gets intense feelings about P and I being intimate, but making a few adjustments has helped. For eg., Jo gets upset when he wakes up alone (sometimes I end up falling asleep on the couch with P, we all live in a one bedroom apartment until August lol) so I have started making a point, even if I do fall asleep with P, getting up and being there for Jo in the morning. P and I also aren't having sex, by Jo's request, and honestly it hasn't been a hard promise to stick to (for now). It's nice having an outside influence to slow things between me and P down, I think I need that as I have a lot of career stuff going on and don't want to feel overwhelmed. I do know if we ever do have sex it will cause feelings for Jo that we'll have to work through, but we'll deal with that when it comes up. I genuinely enjoy getting to show both of them how much I love them. I've found that not using labels has helped... I feel as if Jo is my partner, and P is a very good friend to both of us. If I had to find a definition, it would definitely be an example of "kitchen table poly"... Jo and I make dinner and P does the dishes... sometimes I do nothing which is also nice ;) It has also been helpful to not expect them to communicate about some things. I had an expectation early on that they would both become as close with each other as they are with me. While they are really good friends, I don't think either of them are ready to open up to each other on a super deep emotional level right now or ever...I am really the only person they do that with, and as long as I don't start taking on their feelings as my own I can be there for them without hurting myself. I read somewhere else on this forum that a pro of MFM Vs is that the woman can go to one man to complain about the other and he can offer a male perspective... SO true! Instead of 1000% siding with me like my friends do, both Jo and P explain where the other may be coming from and it makes things a lot easier. No advice needed here, just really happy and enjoying the process :)
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Wow, a wedding. And also everyone living together after so much LDR? Lots of changes. Glad things in general are happy and going well/enjoying the process. I hope the upcoming move in August gives you all more space and things continue to go well. :)

Galagirl
 
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mountaingirl

New member
Is P having/allowed to have sex with other people? Or is his life sexless at the request of Jo?
He doesn't currently but he definitely could if he wanted to. To clarify, when I said "P and I" it's literally just sex between the two of us isn't happening, but P and Jo are free to do whatever, they just haven't yet.
 

PolAmy

New member
He doesn't currently but he definitely could if he wanted to. To clarify, when I said "P and I" it's literally just sex between the two of us isn't happening, but P and Jo are free to do whatever, they just haven't yet.

Im curious, (and feel free to say tell my I’m getting too private). How are you defining sex in the relationship? Intercourse only? Sex is such a tricky thing to define.
 

mountaingirl

New member
Im curious, (and feel free to say tell my I’m getting too private). How are you defining sex in the relationship? Intercourse only? Sex is such a tricky thing to define.
YES it is hard to define lmao I have had some angst about it. Yeah actually intercourse is how I would define it; P and I do make out frequently and Jo is aware of this. I try not to talk about it with Jo too much, he knows it happens and sees P and I cuddling but we don't get into specifics about it often. In a stage where I think he's just growing more comfortable with me and P being intimate in general. For background, P and I have had sex, Jo knows about it and was initially fine with it but it felt like a lot all at once (this was when we were all living apart, it felt like we were playing emotional catch up every time we saw each other) so he asked us to slow down for awhile.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings mountaingirl,

It sounds like the three of you are getting along well. Not that everything is perfect, just that you are working and figuring things out, as you go along, and that is the best way to do things in any relationship. Congratulations on moving in together, on your recent wedding, and on sharing much love between the three of you!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It's very kind of you and Pea to not have sex, to prevent Jo from having certain feelings. But if you're enjoying backing off from sex with Pea, even though you already have done sex/fuckin/PIV/whathaveyou, to sort of slow your rolls, and making out feels good enough, I'm not going to object or tell you that Jo has jealousy or territorial or patriarchal issues that don't belong in polyamory. But keep an eye on that, just the same.

Modern poly is based on feminism and female empowerment. No man should be telling a poly woman who is allowed to put something in her vagina.
 
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