New poly and long distance. Can it work?

[Jay888]

Hi everyone,

After hours upon hours of reading, perusing and analyzing I'd love some straight from the hip advice of anyone would be so inclined.

My partner and I have been together for 2 years. She's always shown certain sexual tendencies and expressed herself as a very sexual person. Lately she's brought up the idea of possibly bringing a little openness into our relationship. At first it was a lot for me to try and process, as I'd never really given it a second thought. And it goes against so many social norms that my main struggle right now is simply trying to normalize this in my head. She's been very open about it all and says she thinks it could be amazing for us and actually bring us closer together. At first I was like, "No way, if she wants to be with other people, then she can do it alone." But I am starting to warm to the idea of having an amazing relationship with one person whilst being able to be involved sexually with other partners and have other areas fulfilled that may not necessarily be getting fulfilled right now. So I'm coming around, and I think if we continue to be open about it this could actually work. To be clear, at the moment we are only speaking about having different sexual partners, nothing romantic outside of each other.

The next hurdle is the fact that I'm going to be away for work next year on the other side of the country. It's all well and good to have an open relationship whilst living together, but I worry that being on the other side of the country from each other is going to add a whole new complexity into the mix? She also thinks that we should keep each other totally in the dark about our experiences with others, but I feel that is a recipe for disaster, and leaves the door open for dishonesty and deceit.

Do we approach things any differently being that there will be distance between us? will this make it harder, or possibly easier? I'd love to hear anybody's thoughts on this. Thank you!

J

 

[GalaGirl]

It's good you are talking things out ahead of time. I think you could keep talking. Figure out what open model(s) you want to be practicing together.

Let me ask you some things...

To be clear, at the moment we are only speaking about having different sexual partners, nothing romantic outside of each other.

How would this be prevented exactly? Or you don't expect to be able to prevent it, but should it happen you expect to do....what?

She's been very open about it all and says she thinks it could be amazing for us and actually bring us closer together.

Good that she's open and willing to talk.

But the actual final outcome is unknown. The experience could be one that brings you closer. Or not. That's stuff you find out AFTER you have already taken the leap. Not before. So I'd be leery of painting everything with rosy-eyed glasses. Don't paint it with the doom brush either. Try to be middle of the road realistic about it -- some things might be great, some meh, and some yuck.

You cannot plan for EVERYTHING. But you can plan for say... your top 5 situations. What would those be?

The next hurdle is the fact that I'm going to be away for work next year on the other side of the country. It's all well and good to have an open relationship whilst living together, but I worry that being on the other side of the country from each other is going to add a whole new complexity into the mix?

LDR can be challenging even in a monogamous situation. So you have to talk about how to deal with that. Whether you guys Open or not.

It's a separate issue than the "should we Open?" question.

She also thinks that we should keep each other totally in the dark about our experiences with others, but I feel that is a recipe for disaster, and leaves the door open for dishonesty and deceit.

What would you like instead? Where's the "private enough for her" and "enough info for you" line drawn?

• Do not want to know sex TMI details?
• Do want to know safer sex practices like BC are being used?
• Do want to know when a new relationships is forming and is looking to go lover?

Something else?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Jay888,

DADT is not generally recommended, but it works for some people. It sounds like you would rather have a basic exchange of information, e.g. who are you sleeping with, what are they like, are you practicing safer sex, etc.

LDRs are always difficult. It sounds like you are afraid that outside sexual partners will turn into romantic partners. Keeping things just sexual and not romantic can be really hard to do, with or without the long-distance factor. Something for you to consider I suppose.

To a large extent, you don't know what your obstacles will be until you start practicing this open relationship. It is important for you to keep the channels of communication open at all times. And, if you will, keep us updated here on the forum so we can continue to give you updated advice.

I think it's great that you are considering an open relationship. I hope things work out well and that it does bring the two of you closer together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

I've had several LDRs. They can work quite well, especially if it is only temporary. The two of you just need to figure out how much you want to communicate with each other while apart. The thing is you have to be secure in your relationship in order for it to work well. Otherwise one or both of you are going to be sitting there wondering if the other is going to replace you.

While it is possible for people to have sex and not develop feelings, ask yourselves how likely that would be for you. Polyamory means many loves, not just many sex partners. Make sure you do this ethically. That means telling potential partners you have no intention of getting seriously involved with them.

I don't need tons of info about my partner's other partners, but I wouldn't want it to be kept a secret. I agree that it could be a recipe for disaster. I think it leads to being dishonest. I'd rather say I didn't have time to talk because I was on a date rather than make up some lame excuse that I would probably forget later. DADT just doesn't make much sense to me.

 

[Jay888]

Thanks so much for your replies.

GalaGirl, you've provided a lot more food for thought. It was naive of me to think that we could simply switch off the romantic side of an interaction. After all, it's exactly how we got together; started off physical, grew into emotional. If anything, the distance and the void left by not being together will most likely make us more inclined to crave that connection with somebody. Really not sure how we'd approach that one. I read somewhere about having a rule where you never obscure searching for a different primary partner in the guise of a non-primary partner. So basically, any other partners can only ever be additions, and not replacements.

We're pretty good with distance, I've just gotten back from a two month contract and about a third of our entire relationship has been over long distance so we're pretty solid on that front.

kdt26417, that's pretty much it. I don't want to know the gory details of her experiences (that may change as we evolve) but I don't want either of us to be put in a position where we're lying about what we're doing/where we are going or worse, not replying or answering phone calls and leaving the other person guessing and making assumptions. I just feel like that will end up in a downward spiral of distrust and resentment. Thank you for your kind words.

A lot more talking is needed and I will keep you guys updated on the progress. Thanks so much.

 

[Emm]

I don't want to know the gory details of her experiences (that may change as we evolve) but I don't want either of us to be put in a position where we're lying about what we're doing/where we are going or worse, not replying or answering phone calls and leaving the other person guessing and making assumptions.

There is a large middle ground between receiving a play-by-play of what went on on the bedroom and pretending that you are the only partner your partner has.

Each of my partners knows about each of the others, and when my regular date nights with them are. If they try to arrange to do something on a day I'm already booked in to do something with one of the others I'll tell them just that; "I'm going to see a movie with Bob* that day, how about Thursday?", much as I would say "I'm going shopping with my mother that day", if that was the case. None of them get any "gory details" about what I do in private with any of the others, but that's just due to it being none of their business and the fact that I haven't asked any of them if they'd be comfortable having me talk about those sorts of things with others. Privacy and secrecy are two different things.

*(I really need to give them nicknames on here that I can remember... for now, one of them is "Bob".)

 

[Jay888]

Thanks for your input Emm.

Any type of trying to pretend that I'm the only partner or anything like that is out of the question. There needs to be disclosure, to each other and others I feel.

The more I mull this over in my head, the more I wonder if I'm cut out for it. I remember with my last partner I always (over the 5 years we were together) had weird feelings about the idea that she would be the last person I would ever be with, and not liking it. The fact that I wanted to sleep with other people played a part in the eventual demise of our relationship. But then I went out and saw other people and eventually decided that I was properly ready to be with one person. Now this one person is going through the same or similar stuff that I went through. Only difference being that she can talk to me about it. I guess I am concerned that she will end up developing feelings for some one else, end up wondering why we're maintaining a LDR when we don't really need to and this will just spiral downwards, leaving us to break up from a distance, when we could save each other some heart ache and part ways amicably now, which I would actually be ok with. But then we could have the best of both worlds if it works. gah...

Forgive me for simply venting, this post doesn't necessarily warrant a reply, just nice to put it on paper, so to speak.

J

 

[kdt26417]

Not a problem, it's good to vent.

 

[Spork]

Thanks for your input Emm.

Any type of trying to pretend that I'm the only partner or anything like that is out of the question. There needs to be disclosure, to each other and others I feel.

The more I mull this over in my head, the more I wonder if I'm cut out for it. I remember with my last partner I always (over the 5 years we were together) had weird feelings about the idea that she would be the last person I would ever be with, and not liking it. The fact that I wanted to sleep with other people played a part in the eventual demise of our relationship. But then I went out and saw other people and eventually decided that I was properly ready to be with one person. Now this one person is going through the same or similar stuff that I went through. Only difference being that she can talk to me about it. I guess I am concerned that she will end up developing feelings for some one else, end up wondering why we're maintaining a LDR when we don't really need to and this will just spiral downwards, leaving us to break up from a distance, when we could save each other some heart ache and part ways amicably now, which I would actually be ok with. But then we could have the best of both worlds if it works. gah...

Forgive me for simply venting, this post doesn't necessarily warrant a reply, just nice to put it on paper, so to speak.

J

I would say that if your relationship is good, and you have no particular reason to want to end it right now, don't write a doom script and end it just in case the script starts playing out. You simply DO NOT KNOW what will happen...and in fact, if you get ok with that, you can find some pretty awesome stuff in life.

I don't feel like rules work, when it comes to what people will or won't feel, and whether things will or won't change. It makes sense to say, "I will step forward with this intent." The best rules have to do with communication. It's so much easier to say "I will tell you if I start seeing someone, I will tell you before we become intimate and give you a chance to respond to that with any needs you may have in this regard, and I will tell you if/when the intimacy bridge has in fact been crossed and we're now a Thing."

Replacement isn't real. Sorry. People are not shoes. That, in my thinking, is serial monogamist thinking that just doesn't translate to poly. Humans are not simply interchangeable units. She might develop a Thing with a secondary male, it might go great and she might want to pursue it into emotional connection. That doesn't mean that she no longer values her Thing with you, or wants to keep you in her life and nurture your connection. To use the analogy that they use in several poly books, one does not stop loving one's older child and throw them out of the house, simply because a second child is born.

So guess I'm saying that rules and requests and guidelines about specific behaviors like communication, cohabitation, planning, time...those make more sense than "you will not develop feelings" or anything so abstract and nebulous.

And if you have other reasons to consider breaking up, that's another matter, but I don't think you've given much indication thus far that it's a foregone conclusion or the obvious right choice...and trust me, many posters do get that advice, but I would not give it to you based on what you've shared thus far.

Good luck!

 

[Jay888]

The plot thickens...

Back story: we had an 'agreement' whist I was away for the last 2 months that we were allowed to hook up with other people. Kissing only, no number sharing, no dates, no dating sites, just possible random kiss with a stranger on the dance floor. Seems juvenile I know, but baby steps, right? When I got home we spoke about it and both admitted that nothing had happened with anybody. I had an opportunity but didn't pursue it as I was still worried about the possible repercussions at that point.

We've been talking a lot about it all the past couple of days, and she made some passing comments that she actually thinks she could be bi and wants to explore that. She said it kind of casually so I guess I didn't pay it the attention it deserved. Yesterday I did something stupid and went through her phone when she wasn't looking. I found a conversation with a girl that she had been on a date with whilst I was away. She told her new friend how she enjoyed kissing her and hoped to catch up with her again soon. To pour salt in the wound she was texting her whilst I was driving us up the coast for Christmas. After I digested the information, got the image out of my head, I was distraught that she lied to me. I confronted her. "I wanted to tell you but didn't know how, I was embarrassed because I actually enjoyed it and that's weird..." we spoke about it some more and I told her this will never work without honesty. Embarrassing or not, honesty comes first.

Later yesterday evening, I stupidly took an opportunity again to peruse through her phone when she wasn't around. Why look for something you don't want to see? Anyway, found another conversation with a guy she met on tinder whilst I was away. At this point she's pretty much broken all the rules we set out before I left. Nothing happened with this person. Again I confronted her, and she played ignorance, saying she does not remember us saying no dating sites, because how else would we meet people? Tried to explain the whole idea of our agreement was that it was random, we specifically said no dating sites because that leads to numbers being exchanged etc. I should have pushed more for her to just be f@#king honest or I'm walking away as she just keeps coming up with excuses now and I don't believe them. Even though she did seem genuinely apologetic about it. She broke down, tried to explain how hard this has been for her the last couple of months, she's really struggling with the idea and very confused that she actually might be bi. She said she's scared I'm going to leave her because of this. I am sure that being in a hetero relationship and being confused about your sexuality would be extremely difficult. I am trying so hard to see this from her point of view. I really want to be a supportive partner and be there for her and help her through this tough time. I do love this girl, but the dishonesty is really getting to me. I hate myself for going through her phone and i hate that i had the urge to do it. But she's a serial liar. Mostly little white lies, nothing serious, but she does it with ease and that makes me nervous. Alarm bells are going off...

J

 

[GalaGirl]

we spoke about it some more and I told her this will never work without honesty. Embarrassing or not, honesty comes first.

Sounds like you value honesty in your dating partners. That is your personal standard. Right now? She doesn't meet it as a dating partner.

You can't be snooping in her phone all the time. That behavior erodes trust. If you just don't trust her, get out.

I should have pushed more for her to just be f@#king honest or I'm walking away as she just keeps coming up with excuses now and I don't believe them.

Your boundaries are for YOU to obey, not her. If your boundary is something like...

"I want honest dating partners. If I find myself with a liar, I can give them X chances to get it together. Past that? I walk away because I don't want to deal in lies."
​

How many strikes before you walk away? You just have to decide the number. I like 3. You can pick something else. But I hope it would not be 100, 1000, 1 million strikes right? If she clocks the strikes, YOU follow through and obey your boundary and walk away. You cannot control her behavior -- her being honest or not. You CAN control yours. Which includes your "stayingness."

I get that figuring out how to cope with your bi side can be hard... but it isn't excuse for bad behavior. It might be a reason, but it isn't an excuse.

If the agreements are hard to keep because they are too restrictive or she's not ready to share stuff she hasn't finished processing? You guys could talk about those change the agreements.

I really want to be a supportive partner and be there for her and help her through this tough time. I do love this girl, but the dishonesty is really getting to me.

Maybe you figure out how to support her as a friend rather than as a dating partner.

Galagirl

 

[Spork]

OK with the additional details, I understand better how you can say that a breakup could be in the cards.

What I am seeing here is not only lying/dishonesty on her part, I think that the micro-managey rules are a setup for her to fail. Frankly. It really sounds to me like those were mostly rules that you came up with, or they were more impositions on her behavior than yours. Any rules that apply to you are probably more stuff that comes naturally to you, whereas hers are restrictions against the current of her emotional flow, and they're almost bound to fail. Of course then, you get to say she was the bad guy, even though you helped to architect the entire situation.

If you are NOT OK with her being bi, being poly, exploring with other partners, then BE FREAKING CLOSED. If you ARE ok with these things, then BE OK WITH THEM. Don't be conditionally ok as long as a dozen rules are adhered to, which she's likely to forget or break in the heat of any given moment. And if you want to break up with her, then just do it, don't try to wait until you have caught her in an act of wrongdoing so you can be righteous about it.

Honesty is super important, but reading your last post, OP, felt like reading the description of a minefield.

And to go back to what I said before, rules that apply to you and her will be more sensible and easy for her to do, than rules that apply to her and others. I don't see poly succeeding with you and her if you're micromanaging and trying to legislate her other interactions. You want honesty? Be safe and comfortable for her to be honest with. If she's constantly worrying if she will be "in trouble" with you after telling you something, then she won't come to you and tell you things. Which also means she's got to hide, internalize, and feel shamey about her own inner truths, and that sucks. There's no shame in being bisexual, nor in wanting multiple partners. None. She just needs to be with someone who is compatible with those things. If that isn't you...maybe do let her go.

Not saying that you guys can't work through this. You can, if it's worth it to both of ya. I don't think it will be easy though. Usually by the phone snooping phase, you're in a relationship with a shelf life.

Best of luck!

 

[Jay888]

Harsh truths thank you Spork. You've pointed out some fatal flaws in my thinking. Our original 'arrangement' was unrealistic and was never going to work. There had obviously been a lot more going on in her head than we originally spoke about. I can't exactly scold her for going behind my back when snooping someone's phone is in and of itself dishonest. I have a tendency to over react and definitely over think, which leaves her worried about telling me things through fear of me over reacting and over thinking. Perhaps I was searching for something where I could put myself in the position of being righteous and being the good one. In saying that I wasn't looking for an excuse to break up with her with my head held high in the situation. I want to be ok wth it, I'm just trying to figure out how to do that as this is something entirely new for me. Trying to keep an open mind.

Obviously specific and strict rules are not going to entirely work as that is me kind of trying to control the situation. But I still think there needs to be Balance. Figuring out where the line is is probably going to be a bit.of trial by fire over the next few months. So any agreements we come up with before I leave I will make it known that nothing is set in stone and everything is always up for negotiation as we go.

J

 

[Spork]

Harsh truths thank you Spork. You've pointed out some fatal flaws in my thinking. Our original 'arrangement' was unrealistic and was never going to work. There had obviously been a lot more going on in her head than we originally spoke about. I can't exactly scold her for going behind my back when snooping someone's phone is in and of itself dishonest. I have a tendency to over react and definitely over think, which leaves her worried about telling me things through fear of me over reacting and over thinking. Perhaps I was searching for something where I could put myself in the position of being righteous and being the good one. In saying that I wasn't looking for an excuse to break up with her with my head held high in the situation. I want to be ok wth it, I'm just trying to figure out how to do that as this is something entirely new for me. Trying to keep an open mind.

Obviously specific and strict rules are not going to entirely work as that is me kind of trying to control the situation. But I still think there needs to be Balance. Figuring out where the line is is probably going to be a bit.of trial by fire over the next few months. So any agreements we come up with before I leave I will make it known that nothing is set in stone and everything is always up for negotiation as we go.

J

Being open to renegotiation is a great start. Ask for her input, too. Try to avoid dictating the guidelines and just getting her to agree. And watch out for her trying to figure out what to say just because it's what you want to hear.

I just get the sense that she feels kind of cornered. You need to metaphorically back away and sit, and let her come out of the corner, so you can interact on a fair playing field with respect for each other.

I know that I can come off harsh when I see things like this, and I often say that if anything resonates, then think about that bit of logic more, and if anything seems to not apply to your situation, please do disregard it. I'm certainly not there or involved and have all of my own natural human biases that shape my view.

One other thing I would suggest you consider... Maybe instead of, or in addition to, the "set up these rules so that if they get broken I can be right in the event of an ending" there may also be a subconscious program running that you feel out of control of the situation and want to impose some of your own controls so that you feel safer in it.

When I was doing polyamory and in my relationship explorations of the last couple years, I learned that it was like a crash course of intensive therapy. Breakthroughs, learning what makes me (and others) tick, figuring out bad behavior patterns, and the life origins of unhealthy bits of thinking from my childhood or from any time between then and now, and through this understanding trying to be more honest with me, and more honest with others.... So the whole thing, I think, has made me WAY better at relationships, or at least has put a lot more tools in my toolbox.

So when I say it's not hopeless, it's just going to take some work, and it will have to be worth the effort for both of you...that's the kind of thing I mean.

 

[Jay888]

If you are NOT OK with her being bi, being poly, exploring with other partners, then BE FREAKING CLOSED. If you ARE ok with these things, then BE OK WITH THEM

Seeking advice on how to learn to be ok with these things. After a lifetime of social conditioning of monogamy being the only valued and acceptable relationship model, there is no switch to flip that normalizes other ways. I want to get on board with this not just because this is the direction that my partner seems to be heading, but also because I can see how it can have so many benefits to an already loving relationship. Even everything that's happened in the last week has caused us to be way more open and honest than I have been able to be with any other partner and right now we're in a good place. There's a rocky road ahead but I would like to know how to start off with a solid foundation so we have something to build from rather than just try and get ok with it. Any particular resources, books etc.? If anyone could chime in it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

J

 

[Magdlyn]

Sure, there are websites, podcasts and books. Plus, you can just keep reading threads here around communication, boundaries, LDRs, bisexuality, etc.

More Than Two is a website and a book.
Opening Up is a book geared to couples going from monogamy to Open.
http://polyweekly.com/ is a podcast

 

[kdt26417]

In particular Poly FAQ addresses many concerns that people new to poly often have.

In general, I think that polyamory seems alien until you get used to it. In other words, expose yourself to poly ideas and poly people for a long time. Which is one of the reasons why regular participation on this forum is a good idea.

 

[Spork]

Also, you might hit up the Googles and see if there is a poly community in your area that gets together for discussion groups or social meetups. Sometimes just meeting others face to face and talking through stuff can be awesomely helpful. Sometimes those kinds of things are listed on fetlife.com's events section. Beware though, that entire site is NSFW.

I only mention that, because here in my town, the local poly community is generally loosely tied to the kink, BDSM and swinger community, and the discussion groups take place at our local club/dungeon/"community center for alt lifestyles" Voodoo Leatherworks. But it's not a mingle & hookup sort of event, it's more like group therapy or something. Just a bunch of people getting together and discussing their experiences and issues and how they make things work.

Thing is, no one should ever hold it against you that you have complicated feelings about this sort of thing (or anything really.) We feel what we feel. You do have to own what you say and do in response to your feelings though. So when I said, "be ok with it" I meant more, be OK to her/with her about it...less flip a switch and feel a different way. Think about what you say and do. Don't simply shoot from the hip with every emotion. Make sense?

Polyfolk absolutely still experience jealousy and insecurity and all sorts of stuff, I don't think anyone has figured out how to flip that switch and not feel those feelings. There's just more of an effort to say, "OK...I am feeling this...how can I process it so that I don't cause harm to self or others or relationship(s)..." And sometimes if a feeling is persistent, and despite your best efforts at doing a poly structure because you THINK in your logical mind, that it's a great idea...sometimes after a while you realize it just does not work for you. And that's ok, too! But I think it's good to give yourself the time to figure out if this is a discomfort you can overcome, or if you're flinging yourself against a concrete wall of your own inner truths trying to do something that is against your personal nature. Ya know?

 

[Jay888]

So far so... good?

Hi all. Firstly I'd like to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to comment and provide your insight into my situation. Always better to hear from an objective perspective.

So! We decided to give it a go, laid down some ground rules which may seem trivial to some but it's what we decided would work for us. The biggest one I guess was that we decided on a DADT policy, and if one was going on a date etc. that we would just tell a little white lie to protect the other. I've been living interstate for just over a month now and it was all going quite well. There has been at least one occasion where I knew she was lying and at the time it really bothered me. The thought of knowing that if I tried to call her in that instant she probably wouldn't pick up was a bit too much. But we spoje later that evening and all was right with the world again. (as I write this I can see that that simply boils down to my own insecurities). I've been on a few dates myself, and last week i brought a girl home. At the time, it was great. The following couple of days, not so much. I came to realize that we are doing this for completely different reasons. I talked myself into agreeing with it because I figured that if I'm doing it as well then I can be ok with her doing it. Now that I've done it, I don't want to do it. And when I know she's doing it, I struggle. I have no interest in being with other women when I'm perfectly happy with the one I have. One thing that has come out of this for me is that I now see how opening up a relationship that may be getting a bit stagnant or caught in a bit of a rut could truly help. Perhaps 5 or 10 years into a marriage. But to me, when we're only two years in, we're still learning about each other, our love is still growing, being open has no benefit to me whatsoever. We are so far from being on the same page that we may as well be in different books.

Last weekend it came to a bit of a climax where I couldn't hold it in and told her that I don't know if I can be a part of this. This immediately put us on shaky ground, as she told me that she still needs to continue on this path. She is young and at the moment is a little unsure of who she is, and wants to explore herself and her sexuality with both men and women. I have no intentions of stopping her from doing so. I can see that this has nothing to do with us as a couple, but something that she needs to go through. We ended up deciding to take a couple of days off from speaking to think about things alone. In a way it helped, and also didn't. She's on a flight to come and see me as I write this and I am unsure how this weekend is going to unfold and what will be the end result.

I feel like pride has a lot to do with me not being able to be on board with this. How can I rationalize another guy being with my girl? I do understand her reasons for wanting to do this, but i just cannot figure out how to look at it in a way where I can be ok with her being with other people. I don't even know what my biggest fear is that makes me not ok with it. Maybe that we will simply drift and she will simply end up falling for someone else. There is a nagging, annoying voice inside me that is telling me that I need to let her go, and that this is a journey that she needs to go on herself. But when we can both see such an amazing future for ourselves, how do you come to terms with that? I am trying everything I can to not unnecessarily end what could be the most loving, fulfilling relationship. I do believe that a lot of people end relationships these days way too easily, without fighting for it, and I don't want to fall into that category. How can I make a paradigm shift within myself to be ok with being in a one-sided open relationship? Or are we just fighting a losing battle and need to accept the reality that right now, we are not meant to be, and let go?

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi all. Firstly I'd like to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to comment and provide your insight into my situation. Always better to hear from an objective perspective.

You're welcome. Have you looked at the links I provided? The FAQ here that Kevin recommended? Have you done a search on "jealousy" on this board? It doesn't seem so, since you still have basic newbie questions and concerns and fears.

So! We decided to give it a go, laid down some ground rules which may seem trivial to some but it's what we decided would work for us. The biggest one I guess was that we decided on a DADT policy, and if one was going on a date etc. that we would just tell a little white lie to protect the other. I've been living interstate for just over a month now and it was all going quite well. There has been at least one occasion where I knew she was lying and at the time it really bothered me.

Well, that seems hypocritical. We all recommended not doing DADT, and yet you agreed to do it. And then you got mad because she lied, when you already agree lying was OK! How does this make sense?

The thought of knowing that if I tried to call her in that instant she probably wouldn't pick up was a bit too much. But we spoke later that evening and all was right with the world again. (as I write this I can see that that simply boils down to my own insecurities). I've been on a few dates myself, and last week i brought a girl home. At the time, it was great. The following couple of days, not so much. I came to realize that we are doing this for completely different reasons. I talked myself into agreeing with it because I figured that if I'm doing it as well then I can be ok with her doing it. Now that I've done it, I don't want to do it.

Right. Tit for tat doesn't work, if you are monogamous and it's going against your nature.

And when I know she's doing it, I struggle. I have no interest in being with other women when I'm perfectly happy with the one I have. One thing that has come out of this for me is that I now see how opening up a relationship that may be getting a bit stagnant or caught in a bit of a rut could truly help. Perhaps 5 or 10 years into a marriage.

No, poly is not a band-aid for a stagnant relationship either. Poly is for people who feel incomplete without the ability to date and possibly love multiple people. That is your girlfriend. She is young, she wants to see what is out there. She wants to date, have sex with, possibly fall in love with, men and women. She also loves you. Her love for another would not negate or quell her love for you. That is what you are not getting. She may be poly, or she may just be young and "playing the field" right now, and might be willing and able to "settle down" with one partner at some point. We don't know. But certainly right now, with your relationship being long distance, she is seeking companionship and sex with others... I don't see that as unnatural. And I don't see it as a threat to you.

Monogamists can only love one at a time. Polyamorists can love more than one. Falling for one person does not mean falling out of love with another.

But to me, when we're only two years in, we're still learning about each other, our love is still growing, being open has no benefit to me whatsoever. We are so far from being on the same page that we may as well be in different books.

Last weekend it came to a bit of a climax where I couldn't hold it in and told her that I don't know if I can be a part of this. This immediately put us on shaky ground, as she told me that she still needs to continue on this path. She is young and at the moment is a little unsure of who she is, and wants to explore herself and her sexuality with both men and women. I have no intentions of stopping her from doing so. I can see that this has nothing to do with us as a couple, but something that she needs to go through. We ended up deciding to take a couple of days off from speaking to think about things alone. In a way it helped, and also didn't.

It's healthy to take a break from talking if people get emotionally overloaded.

She's on a flight to come and see me as I write this and I am unsure how this weekend is going to unfold and what will be the end result.

I feel like pride has a lot to do with me not being able to be on board with this. How can I rationalize another guy being with my girl?

You do need to read those links I provided, and get the book More Than Two. You don't seem to get the basics yet. If you keep thinking of her as "your woman," ie: your possession, you're going to keep suffering. She doesn't belong to you. She is her own person.

BTW, she wants to be with women as well. If that seems like less of a threat than imagining her being with a man, and actually kinda hot, check your male privilege.

If you truly want monogamy, it's time to break up. But if you think you can come to terms with it eventually, hang in there. It's completely up to you. It can take a year to see how it all comes together. Are you willing to give it that much time? To communicate HONESTLY (both of you) and respectfully, and to be kind to each other on your journeys? Or is it too much, and you're in extreme pain, and need to let go? Only you (and she) can decide this.

I do understand her reasons for wanting to do this, but i just cannot figure out how to look at it in a way where I can be ok with her being with other people. I don't even know what my biggest fear is that makes me not ok with it. Maybe that we will simply drift and she will simply end up falling for someone else.

Again, falling for someone else does not mean falling out of love with you!

There is a nagging, annoying voice inside me that is telling me that I need to let her go, and that this is a journey that she needs to go on herself. But when we can both see such an amazing future for ourselves, how do you come to terms with that? I am trying everything I can to not unnecessarily end what could be the most loving, fulfilling relationship. I do believe that a lot of people end relationships these days way too easily, without fighting for it, and I don't want to fall into that category. How can I make a paradigm shift within myself to be ok with being in a one-sided open relationship? Or are we just fighting a losing battle and need to accept the reality that right now, we are not meant to be, and let go?

There is no way of knowing. I'd say stop with the lying would be your first step. Be brave and tell her you want to know when she's on a date. Or if she makes out with someone new spontaneously, tell her you want to know ASAP afterwards. Then, the ball is in your court. You may need reassurances from her that you still matter to her even after she's flirted, danced, kissed, had sex with, someone else. What kind of reassurance would work for you?