New poly, curious, interested in guidance

S

ScarletKanti

New member
Hello, as you can tell, I'm new to the poly world. I'm kinda talking with a fella I'm quite interested in and would like to better understand his lifestyle, as I have only ever been in one poly relationship that wasn't comfortable for me because he started playing favorites with me and spending less time with the wife. So to avoid problems until I could better understand the lifestyle, I ended things.
 
What is it you would like to understand? There is just so much. If you're a podcast person, you could listen to Multiamory from the beginning. If you're a reader, then here's some links https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

If you want to be a good poly partner to this new fella because he already has another partner, then respect the time he spends with his other person/people, and don't expect your relationship to follow the traditional escalation steps. Ask for what you need and want, and if he can't give it, walk away rather than suffering and in turn making him and possibly his other partners suffer your dissatisfaction.

Be prepared for compromise. Be prepared for emergencies leading to cancelled plans. Be prepared to process your emotions around envy (FOMO) and jealousy (fear of loss). Be prepared to be a strong, independent person who can doesn't need the constant attention of a partner to feel secure, happy and fulfilled. Understand your attachment issues, most of us have some form of childhood influence upon them. Be prepared to work on yourself and continue to grow into your own confidence. Those would go for being in a monogamous relationship, too.

As you've already done, be prepared to walk away if something feels hinky. Walking away from unhealthy situations is an act of self-love. Walk away whenever you need to. Some relationship have the ability to be communicated about and improved, some don't. It may take practice to spot the difference. Don't be too hard on yourself if you stay a little long sometimes.

Keep dating other people - don't let this fella control who you can see. He's poly right? Well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Don't let him demand monogamy from you. Offer it if you wish, in time, but don't just straight into being with just him. I'm poly because I believe there are always more soulmates out there - the world is huge. Polyamory lets me get to know people as deeply as I wish. I keep some people in my life, and they keep me in theirs, and those connections turn into relationships. Most don't. Be picky.
 
Thanks for the insight and links. He is very much so poly. We share a lot of the same values and dreams as we have been talking for a while now and I've already experienced a lot in a short time, such as emergencies that require his immediate attention to be taken off of me, and having to respect his time with his other partner, and respect that he also is a very busy man, working hard for his dreams, just as an example.

I sought out a community of like-minded ppl, upon his suggestion actually, because even he says there is no better feeling.

He came into my life at a time of monogamy and we had this wonderful unexpected easy connection that didn't feel forced, isn't based on looks, or isn't even sexual. We literally made a soul connection. I'm from Canada and he's in the US.

I was confused at first on how you could love more then one person with the same amount of love. The unfortunate part is my current partner is 1000% mono. I've told him about how I feel for this other person and he said do research and talk to others in the lifestyle. See what the pros and cons are and base your decision off of multiple experiences, rather then his and his partner's experience, and maybe in time if it's what I still really feel I want, my current partner might be willing to walk beside me if we want to get a gf in the picture.

So already experiencing the what's good for the goose is good for the gander, as well as my partner has been explained that will include men as well, and he said he can't do that. So as much as I love him to death and don't want to lose him, I cannot ignore how I'm feeling. The struggle to find yourself is real and meeting this fella in the States has opened my eyes to a lot of things, but most of all, to who I am really capable of being.

That being said, I'm 42 F Canada, looking for friends, possibly more. Add me. Let's see where things go.
 
if we want to get a gf in the picture.
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Please don't make dating a team sport.

That ability to find new soul connections is a lovely way to approach things. It's very unlikely that both of you will find that in one person. Let alone that triads are like polyamory on hard mode.

The struggle to find yourself is real and meeting this fella in the States has opened my eyes to a lot of things, but most of all, to who I am really capable of being.
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I found a soulmate in the US, too. And one in the UK. Highly inconvenient since I live in New Zealand lol. But I let those connections develop as far as possible for life's circumstances. My US partner is due to visit me in January.

So, you're a hinge between hubby and fella, and a spoke in fella's poly wheel. You may want to give them nicknames to help readers keep them straight :) With fella being in the US, you and hubby will have to talk about your travel budget and his amusement budget and how he will cope mentally/emotionally when you're away visiting fella, even if fella is visiting you and you're getting a Airbnb somewhere local.

FYI, we generally don't call polyamory a lifestyle, it's more like a lovestyle. "The Lifestyle" is a term swingers use for themselves 🙂
 
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Thank you so much. I appreciate everything you're giving me. It's very helpful.

For all those reading, my fella is Fox, and Boo is my man.
 
And Fox and his wife/your bff (nickname?) are long established poly? Is she good with him and you connecting?
 
Greetings ScarletKanti,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like your first poly experience was a little disappointing, hopefully you'll have better luck in the future. If there's any way Polyamory.com can help, let us know. I don't think you've done anything wrong so far, for what it's worth. Not everything that goes wrong in poly will be your fault. Sometimes ending things is the right decision, and the best you can do.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Evie said:
And Fox and his wife/your bff (nickname?) are long-established poly? Is she good with him and you connecting?
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Star is a little taken back by our connection, so they are being provided with ample time to discuss their feelings and set up their boundaries regarding my connection with Fox.
 
Maybe calling it a “lifestyle” was a Freudian slip. Many swingers tend to “play” with people they do not know. The reason they tend to not play with “vanilla” or non-swinger people they already know is that if it does not work out, they can walk away without souring a pre-existing relationship. It sounds like you are moving slowly, which is great. Time and investment are crucial to success. And you are discussing it here. Plus as you read poly materials, such as the book or audiobook Opening Up, the more your chances of success will increase. It takes a lot of work to make one relationship work. As mentioned above, thinking through logistics of travel is just one more thing that drives the point that working poly relationships require the development of excellent scheduling skills. So yes, two relationships may require non-linear level of increased difficulty, particularly for the unprepared.

In terms of swinging, it tends to be just sex. Because here you already have a strong connection, playing as couples can have lopsided results. You may value a long-term platonic relationship with Fox and your Star to such a degree you do not want sex to get in the way and ruin it. Just sayin’.

Keep communication and your primary relationship with Boo strong. And, I like your mention of the excellent advice that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I think you have a great sense of the complexities should you all move forward. And, as they suggest in the lifestyle, do not go faster than the slowest person.

Good luck in your inquiry and let us know how your personal relationship growth develops.
 
Thank you all for the wonderful sense of community you have built here.

Boo and I also hit a rough patch over the last week, but after talking things through, we are other same page, finally.

As for Fox, we have been on the same page from the moment we started talking.

As for keeping things Platonic with Fox and Star, I don't see that happening. But it maybe we will all know better when I make my first trip to the States in early 2025.
 
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