New relationship issues

S

SBE 1974

New member
Hi All,
I am new to this poly relationship thing. I have some concerns my GF is lying by omission. Tonight is the 3rd time she has lied by omission, I have been asking her for a month to spend the night with me in a hotel, so I could treat her to a birthday night, she hasn’t answered me, but when she did, she used the reason that she didn’t want to be away from her boys, which I fully understand and said as much.
Now I find out she has been planning to go out to a party with her Dom, I am ok with, but the fact that she lied, didn’t tell me until just before she was going out, to a sex club, we said we would do together.
Am I over-thinking or am I being played?
 
Hi SBE. WELCOME TO THE FORUM.

Simple answer, maybe both.

How new are you to this dynamic?
What’s been the routine in terms of when or how you and your gf get together?
Did she explain/discuss the availability parameters, or some deference/permission thing that needs to happen with her dom? Worth investigating if there’s some structural thing you’re not privy to, or some subliminal thing she’s doing to demonstrate her submission and devotion.

Getting blown off multiple times definitely means something. You’re a seat filler when dom guy is busy, or she’s just not into you, or some variation.
 
Hello SBE 1974,

It sounds like your girlfriend has been leading you on to some extent, I will note that mutual knowledge and consent is an integral part of what polyamory is, you do not have poly if you do not have all-around knowledge and consent. And you can't consent to something you don't know about, so if your girlfriend has been lying to you by omission, then she does not have poly with you. Sit down with her and have a long talk about this.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I see you are upset.

There's some kind of communication gap going on here. I don't have enough information to figure out what part of it is wonky, but if it helps validate anything, there IS some kind of communication gap here.

I have been asking her for a month to spend the night with me in a hotel, so I could treat her to a birthday night. She hasn’t answered me, but when she did she used the reason that she didn’t want to be away from her boys, which I fully understand.
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Would you prefer a clearer, "No, thanks. I don't want to do that" from her, rather than her postponing, or saying she doesn't want to be away from the kids right then?

Now I find out she has been planning to go out to a party with her Dom,. I am ok with this.
Click to expand...

Then be ok with it.

but the fact that she lied didn’t tell me until just before she was going out, to a sex club, we said we would do together.
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I don't know either of you. Is that the part that bothers, the timing?

Was there a shared agreement to tell you details about her social life/dating life apart from you? If so, then yes, she kept the agreement, but it was short notice. So maybe it's a case of the agreement needing fine-tuning, so you aren't getting this news last minute or from the sky. Maybe regular RADAR check-ins could help with that.

www.multiamory.com

RADAR — Multiamory

www.multiamory.com www.multiamory.com

If there's no actual agreement, what she does on her other dates is not something she HAS to share with you.

Is there a shared agreement about THIS sex club, that the first time attending this venue you two would go with each other, so you're disappointed she changed her mind on that?

Maybe it is more broad -- like it's jarring to hear about her doing fun dates with other people when she's recently turned a hotel date with you down? Is that it?

Would you please be willing to clarify which parts bother you the most? Is it a combo of things?

Galagirl
 
Hi, Galagirl. The specifics are that we did have an agreement that the1st time at the club would be with the both of us. The part that bothers me the most is the omissions. We spoke about communication being the key to maintaining the relationship, and that’s the part that has broken down. She knew the party was at the club. She told me she didn’t know, but she already had her outfit laid out, which was only suitable for a sex club.

I have now seen pics on Fetlife that show she was actively participating in impact play, wearing not a lot. Again, this was against our agreement.

Thanks for your help.
 
With regards to the hotel, one of her reasons was she didn’t want to spend the night away from her boys (18, 15, 13), which I completely understand. But in the same conversation she said that she is staying at a country town for a kink event. The town is 3.5 hrs away from here. The hotel was 40 minutes. How do I react to that?
 
SBE 1974 said:
With regards to the hotel, one of her reasons was she didn’t want to spend the night away from her boys (18, 15, 13), which I completely understand. But in the same conversation she said that she is staying at a country town for a kink event. The town is 3.5 hrs away from here. The hotel was 40 minutes. How do I react to that?
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I'm going to jump in here and say that she is not being honest. It's pretty laughable that she'd not want to do an overnight 40 minutes away from her family (about an hour and a half round trip), but be okay with driving 7 hours round trip with her dom.

It seems to me, from the outside, that she's really into the dom guy, but actually pulling away from you. I'm sorry, buddy. She might want to break up, but be taking the coward's way out, by lying and dropping hints and being difficult, so that you do the breaking up. :(
 
When she said she can't be away from her boys, I was assuming kids under 8 or so. Teenagers don't need their mom home every night.

It's okay to break up with her and find someone who is excited to spend a night in a hotel or so.
 
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