I am new to being poly and need some advice on how to stick with my personal boundaries in the heat of the moment. I am used to the traditional paradigm that women are taught which is that submissiveness is sexy and that using condom is always negotiable. I find it difficult to stick to my guns about protection, and I also have trouble with taking charge as to how far things go. Sometime I just want to make out with someone or maybe 2nd or 3rd base. It is hard admitting this but I just get overpowered. I am horny and let the other person push me. Instead of a fulfilling mutual pleasure inducing experience I am always left with a bitterness afterwards because I know I let myself down by not sticking to my intentions and values. How can I regain my power as a poly-woman? How can I communicate more effectively what my needs are? Any advice would be much appreciated!
New to being poly and need your advice
- Thread starter Keats
- Start date
Perhaps you are seeing the wrong kind of people. Good, responsible men will be as concerned as you are about safer sex. And respecting your boundaries. Perhaps you need to make the use of condoms and your limits crystal clear before any action starts. If they don't respect them, then they aren't the right people for you.
My humber $0.07 (inflation)
MrMatou
Hi Keats,
Anyone you date, make sure you tell them ahead of time what your boundaries are. If they won't respect your boundaries, they are not respecting you as a person and are not worthy of dating you. End the date before they can go any further.
Some guys want to live on the edge, that is, do whatever they feel at the moment and let the chips fall where they may. You'll want to be on the lookout for such guys and shoo them away.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Anyone you date, make sure you tell them ahead of time what your boundaries are. If they won't respect your boundaries, they are not respecting you as a person and are not worthy of dating you. End the date before they can go any further.
Some guys want to live on the edge, that is, do whatever they feel at the moment and let the chips fall where they may. You'll want to be on the lookout for such guys and shoo them away.
Regards,
Kevin T.
I agree with the other posters -- don't keep dating people who "push" your boundaries. It is not respectful of you. Could be up front about condoms being required.
Another thing you could think about is create some "buffer"and go one lower. Like if you want it to end at kissing? Tell them hugging is where you want to stop. Then if you end up "leaking" over into kissing, it's where YOU wanted it to end. And if it stops at hugging, it's still a win for you because you can see the person really listens and respects your boundaries.
Because if you tell them your limit is kissing? If you experience either pushing from the dating partner or a momentary lapse because you got caught up in the moment... there's no buffer there to handle it in or regain your mental gears.
If you get horny, think of other things you can suggest ahead of time. Like watch each other masturbate or other kinds of outercourse. It doesn't always have to end in PIV or PIA or other penetrative intercourse.
Galagirl
Another thing you could think about is create some "buffer"and go one lower. Like if you want it to end at kissing? Tell them hugging is where you want to stop. Then if you end up "leaking" over into kissing, it's where YOU wanted it to end. And if it stops at hugging, it's still a win for you because you can see the person really listens and respects your boundaries.
Because if you tell them your limit is kissing? If you experience either pushing from the dating partner or a momentary lapse because you got caught up in the moment... there's no buffer there to handle it in or regain your mental gears.
If you get horny, think of other things you can suggest ahead of time. Like watch each other masturbate or other kinds of outercourse. It doesn't always have to end in PIV or PIA or other penetrative intercourse.
Galagirl
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Condom use is negotiable in the traditional paradigm?? I'm not sure where you are from, but be reassured that in the vast majority of Western cultures this is emphatically not the case, and most men wouldn't bat an eyelid at the thought. Please, please, please, if there is any personal boundary that you remain firm on, let it be this one: no condom, no sex. To me, any man that is pushing for condomless sex, unless you are both in agreement about wanting children together, is not a man I want to be having sex with ever. If he's in the habit of fucking bareback, then his risk of passing on STI's is that much higher, and it shows a basic lack of respect for me which tells me he's not worth my time. My physical and reproductive health is important to me, as it should be for any partner I'm with.
That being said, I never rely on a guy having a condom - I carry my own. The fact that I have some on me pretty much always does not in any way indicate I am up for sex at any time or with anyone, but it does give me more control of the situation should the mood take me (and them). Because I know that I will never have sex without a condom, the logistics of asking/offering to get one actually act as a useful checking point for me to figure out if my partner wants our make out session to lead to sex or not, and vice versa for them. That is to say, if I'm in the mood to take things further, I can say 'hey, would you like to take things further, I have a condom in my bag' and that gives the other person a clear indication of where my head is at and what I would like. Similarly, if someone is being respectful, and says the same thing to me, and I'm not quite ready for that step, I can easily say 'Actually, I'm happier just making out and getting to know you better tonight, thanks' and then things are clear. If he continues to push and whine, then I know he's a jerk and I can leave. So to me, even in the heat of the moment, sticking firm to the 'no condom, no sex' boundary means that I always get a chance to stop and evaluate whether I want to go down that route with someone or not. Maintaining that one boundary allows me to better maintain my other boundaries.
That being said, I never rely on a guy having a condom - I carry my own. The fact that I have some on me pretty much always does not in any way indicate I am up for sex at any time or with anyone, but it does give me more control of the situation should the mood take me (and them). Because I know that I will never have sex without a condom, the logistics of asking/offering to get one actually act as a useful checking point for me to figure out if my partner wants our make out session to lead to sex or not, and vice versa for them. That is to say, if I'm in the mood to take things further, I can say 'hey, would you like to take things further, I have a condom in my bag' and that gives the other person a clear indication of where my head is at and what I would like. Similarly, if someone is being respectful, and says the same thing to me, and I'm not quite ready for that step, I can easily say 'Actually, I'm happier just making out and getting to know you better tonight, thanks' and then things are clear. If he continues to push and whine, then I know he's a jerk and I can leave. So to me, even in the heat of the moment, sticking firm to the 'no condom, no sex' boundary means that I always get a chance to stop and evaluate whether I want to go down that route with someone or not. Maintaining that one boundary allows me to better maintain my other boundaries.
Emm
Stealth Mod
On what planet is this traditional? Condom use may be negotiable for many in long-term relationships, but I certainly wouldn't say it's negotiable for most people during the early stages of getting to know someone.
The men I've known have found a woman who takes control of her sexuality and sexual health to be far sexier than a woman who just lies there and lets things happen. Just saying. Some men find submission sexy, but submission doesn't mean letting your partner push you--without your consent--past the point where you're willing to go, and it damn sure doesn't mean letting your partner jeopardize your health.
I'm not sure where you've learned that condom use is always negotiable, unless it's part of your perception of what "submissiveness" means. Is your health negotiable? Your body shape, which would change with pregnancy? Your finances? Your job? Your LIFE?
Personally, I wouldn't consider any of those things to be negotiable. And since not using a condom can impact all of them, using one isn't negotiable either. "No glove, no love." Cliche, but still true.
I'm not sure where you've learned that condom use is always negotiable, unless it's part of your perception of what "submissiveness" means. Is your health negotiable? Your body shape, which would change with pregnancy? Your finances? Your job? Your LIFE?
Personally, I wouldn't consider any of those things to be negotiable. And since not using a condom can impact all of them, using one isn't negotiable either. "No glove, no love." Cliche, but still true.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Condom use shouldn't be negotiable unless you are looking at clean tests and know there have been no other partners since the testing. If a one-night-stand is pressuring you for unsafe sex, you can pretty much guarantee he is unsafe with all of his partners. No thanks.
I can be and enjoy being submissive, but that is during sex, not in the negotiation before anything happens. I sure wouldn't give away my safety.
I can be and enjoy being submissive, but that is during sex, not in the negotiation before anything happens. I sure wouldn't give away my safety.
I'll join the original post with a question. Is there always negotiation with you? How do you make negotiation happen/look like, so that it's not awkvard?
Bluebird
Well-known member
With me? Absolutely, I'm ok with negotiation. I'm super up-front when I meet new people about being poly, since I am out and don't mind questions. I'm very extroverted and not shy usually. If things are heading toward sex, I ask what they like and don't like - and hey, what have they always wanted to try? Then I share my answers. Guys usually like to hear about what I enjoy. 
I have been told my confidence is a big turn on. Anyway, I let my prospects know that as a poly person, I feel as though I am a gatekeeper for my other partners - I am responsible for keeping them safe, sexually. So I can't bend on that. I mean, a I wouldn't for my own sake, but doubly so for them. Especially since they are mono and don't have other partners currently. If they catch something, it can only be from me, and I am not going to do that to people I love, if it can be avoided. But that's a positive for my new person - they can trust that I am clean because I take responsibility for my network.
I had an encounter a few years ago that later turned into a long term friend with benefits thing, that I actually WASN'T safe with initially. We fucked with no condom. While there was no chance of pregnancy, I was immediately hating myself for being so rash. I had trusted his story - we had been on a few dates, he had been celibate since his divorce a year prior, and their breakup wasn't caused by infidelity of either partner. And he had been tested 3 months previously, and prior to that as well, since he worked with infectious diseases. However, his tests were 3 months old and that shouldn't have been good enough, when I have people to protect. It worked out, thankfully, but it really made me even more cautious.
Negotiation is just a fancy word for a conversation. And if I want to fuck you, it's probably because I like talking to you. So discussing our upcoming acrobatics in bed isn't something that makes me nervous.
I have been told my confidence is a big turn on. Anyway, I let my prospects know that as a poly person, I feel as though I am a gatekeeper for my other partners - I am responsible for keeping them safe, sexually. So I can't bend on that. I mean, a I wouldn't for my own sake, but doubly so for them. Especially since they are mono and don't have other partners currently. If they catch something, it can only be from me, and I am not going to do that to people I love, if it can be avoided. But that's a positive for my new person - they can trust that I am clean because I take responsibility for my network.I had an encounter a few years ago that later turned into a long term friend with benefits thing, that I actually WASN'T safe with initially. We fucked with no condom. While there was no chance of pregnancy, I was immediately hating myself for being so rash. I had trusted his story - we had been on a few dates, he had been celibate since his divorce a year prior, and their breakup wasn't caused by infidelity of either partner. And he had been tested 3 months previously, and prior to that as well, since he worked with infectious diseases. However, his tests were 3 months old and that shouldn't have been good enough, when I have people to protect. It worked out, thankfully, but it really made me even more cautious.
Negotiation is just a fancy word for a conversation. And if I want to fuck you, it's probably because I like talking to you. So discussing our upcoming acrobatics in bed isn't something that makes me nervous.
In all my years living full time as poly, I have only fluid bonded with 2 other women, and 2 men. I have had intercourse with about 10 men in that time.
The times I chose to be fluid bonded with men, the requirements were:
Enough time spent together to know how honest they were about their sexual status. Knowing how many other partners, if any, they had, and whether they used condoms with them. Getting tested for STDs and seeing the paper copy of the results.
I chose to be fluid bonded with the first guy because I knew he had infrequent sex with his wife, and she was mono. We waited 6 months to go condomless at his choice by his request, not mine. Even though he was 60, I was the first person he had ever gone condomless with, other than when he and his wife were making babies (only 2 kids). She was still fertile at 60 so they still used condoms. I liked the ease of bareback sex, because it allows you to go back and forth between oral and vaginal penetration with no pauses or rubbery taste. I think he liked the experience of going bareback too.
Currently I am fluid bonded with my bf of 8 months. We got fluid bonded kind of early, 3 months in, because he has trouble maintaining an erection with a condom on. We both got tested and were clean, and he is mono with me, and I knew he was trustworthy, since we had many detailed discussions about the issue.
I am highly sexual but I have never been so horny, or drunk, or whatever, in the 8 years I have been poly, that I have allowed someone to fuck me bareback. Now, back in my youth in the 70s, I was on the Pill, and condom use was rare. It was used for birth control, as there was no HIV, and other STDs were rare in my social circles. But still, looking back, I did take a risk.
As for the supposition that submissive women=sexy, YIKES. Feminism has been around since the suffragette days in the very early 1900s. I like to submit sexually in a consensual BDSM sense, but outside of that? I am extremely assertive of my rights and protective of my health. And I choose men who respect that, and are also concerned about their own rights and sexual health.
If I encounter a man who is into "creampies" on the first sex date, I block him.
The times I chose to be fluid bonded with men, the requirements were:
Enough time spent together to know how honest they were about their sexual status. Knowing how many other partners, if any, they had, and whether they used condoms with them. Getting tested for STDs and seeing the paper copy of the results.
I chose to be fluid bonded with the first guy because I knew he had infrequent sex with his wife, and she was mono. We waited 6 months to go condomless at his choice by his request, not mine. Even though he was 60, I was the first person he had ever gone condomless with, other than when he and his wife were making babies (only 2 kids). She was still fertile at 60 so they still used condoms. I liked the ease of bareback sex, because it allows you to go back and forth between oral and vaginal penetration with no pauses or rubbery taste. I think he liked the experience of going bareback too.
Currently I am fluid bonded with my bf of 8 months. We got fluid bonded kind of early, 3 months in, because he has trouble maintaining an erection with a condom on. We both got tested and were clean, and he is mono with me, and I knew he was trustworthy, since we had many detailed discussions about the issue.
I am highly sexual but I have never been so horny, or drunk, or whatever, in the 8 years I have been poly, that I have allowed someone to fuck me bareback. Now, back in my youth in the 70s, I was on the Pill, and condom use was rare. It was used for birth control, as there was no HIV, and other STDs were rare in my social circles. But still, looking back, I did take a risk.
As for the supposition that submissive women=sexy, YIKES. Feminism has been around since the suffragette days in the very early 1900s. I like to submit sexually in a consensual BDSM sense, but outside of that? I am extremely assertive of my rights and protective of my health. And I choose men who respect that, and are also concerned about their own rights and sexual health.
If I encounter a man who is into "creampies" on the first sex date, I block him.
Firstly Thank you everyone for your feedback.
Secondly, please let me clear that my health and preventing pregnancy is all very important to me. I am not in the habit of making the no-glove mistake.I know that needs to be a priority. I am also not in the habit of being poly. I basically have a history of three long term mono relationships.
I am here for help and advice, not judgments about my previous mistakes or my current perceptions based on what has happened to me. Maybe you have never been pressured or forced into sex, maybe you have never been controlled and taught falsehoods your whole life, and that's great for you but anyone that has can tell you that it takes a lot of time and effort to rewire yourself and nothing hurts progress more than aggressive holier-than-thou jack asses. We have all made mistakes, we all start out at different levels. The point is my current reality and feelings are based on previous experiences. I am trying to seek out help to change my world drastically. I am trying to take back my body, my sexuality, my health, etc. I am trying to do all this from a previous life of abuse, false education, religious dogma...so please try to be kind.
I am new to being poly and need to learn how to meet people, how to talk to people, how to create healthy and consistent habits so that I and any partners I may have are safe and happy.
Secondly, please let me clear that my health and preventing pregnancy is all very important to me. I am not in the habit of making the no-glove mistake.I know that needs to be a priority. I am also not in the habit of being poly. I basically have a history of three long term mono relationships.
I am here for help and advice, not judgments about my previous mistakes or my current perceptions based on what has happened to me. Maybe you have never been pressured or forced into sex, maybe you have never been controlled and taught falsehoods your whole life, and that's great for you but anyone that has can tell you that it takes a lot of time and effort to rewire yourself and nothing hurts progress more than aggressive holier-than-thou jack asses. We have all made mistakes, we all start out at different levels. The point is my current reality and feelings are based on previous experiences. I am trying to seek out help to change my world drastically. I am trying to take back my body, my sexuality, my health, etc. I am trying to do all this from a previous life of abuse, false education, religious dogma...so please try to be kind.
I am new to being poly and need to learn how to meet people, how to talk to people, how to create healthy and consistent habits so that I and any partners I may have are safe and happy.
Infinity
New member
That's really awesome
It sounds like you're feeling that you'd like to take really good care of yourself, because you're worth it. Good for you.I'm not in the habit of being poly either, but I'm educating myself. This forum is helping. It's nice to meet another 'poly newbie'
I often find that when someone is cautiously asking for help and advice, often they haven't tapped the well-spring of wisdom that's already inside them, because they've been taught not to listen to it. I have some insight into how that feels, because I've also been in relationships where I allowed someone to treat me with disrespect, and in so doing, got more and more cut off from my own sense of what is right and wrong *for me*. It's good to get back in touch with that.
So, from the perspective of me knowing that *you* best know, better than anyone else what is good for you, may I ask?
1. What would a sexually healthy encounter look like to you? (Could script it if you like, write it out like two sides of a conversation, with you creating each side).
2. What do you like & not like about the idea of being sexually submissive? Is it *just* something you have been taught is culturally appropriate, or is there something about it which also rings your bells?
3. What would it feel like to be really relaxed and at peace about your past sexual encounters, to have made peace with them - not judging yourself for anything you did or didn't do, or anything you allowed to happen - what would it feel like to say (and mean) "that was then, this is now, nothing went wrong and it was just a learning experience"?
4. What are some words which describe how you would like to *feel* about sex and sexuality now?
(For me, I use words like joyful, clear, easy, free - those are what I want to feel when I have a sexual experience).
I hope these questions help you; answer them on the forum if you wish, or away from here, away from prying eyes
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OK. This isn't about condoms, this is about our woman hating culture. Warning: rant ahead.
You know what I have to say to men that abuse women just because they are in a position of power? Just because they have these big dumb muscles and loads of testosterone induced RAGE?
FUCK YOU. Really. FUCK YOU. Painfully. With a splintered broomstick right up the ass.
Women have been fighting, hard, for their rights to have their own personal space, openly, in public, risking life and limb and prison and the threat of being locked up in a mental institution, for about 135 years. Progress is ohhh so slow.
If someone used the Bible to abuse you, it's only natural. Ever read the Bible? The entire Old Testament, from Genesis to Judges, is a clear documentation of how men, using the word Yahweh (the LORD) have used force to keep women down, down in the dirt. Less valued than their cattle and goats. Women were chattel. Which means cattle!
Example:
Judges 6:25
That night the LORD said to Gideon, "Take the second bull from your father's herd, the one that is seven years old. Pull down your father's altar to Baal, and cut down the Asherah pole standing beside it.
Note the use of the word "pole." There is no word for pole in the Hebrew. Just the word Asherah. Who was a goddess. The great goddess of the people of the land. Which men, monotheistic men, hated, because she was the one women honored in their daily lives, to keep them healthy, to keep their kids healthy, to have a healthy birth and breastfeeding experience.
Asherim, small wooden effigies of Asherah, have been found by the thousands all over Israel, buried in the dirt which covered over the huts of the people of Canaan. She was the supreme goddess. Her rites were stamped out by men hungry for power, who sought to control the independence and sexualities of "their" women.
Yahweh even tortured men. He demanded their foreskins, to reduce their enjoyment of sex. The patriarchy hurts men too. But not as much as it hurts women.
Yahweh told Eve (Genesis 3:16):
To the woman [Yahweh] said, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."
As Lewis Black says (and he is a Jewish man), the God of the Old Testament was a prick. The Old Testament is bullshit.
Asherah was prayed to, to reduce the pain of childbirth. Midwives gave the women soothing herbs and hugs to help with the pain, and make the birth process easier and safer. Men's God wished to make the pain as severe as possible. And it went on from there, to this day. To men like the men in your life who taught you to submit to them whenever and wherever they pleased. And if you wouldn't, they took you down to the ground and raped you.
Last year, I tried to date a woman who confessed to me her father raped her from a young age. He was a Bible thumping minister, and well respected by the community. In the family home, he raped her, with the full knowledge of his wife, who was so afraid for her own life and safety, she allowed her prepubescent daughter to be raped repeatedly, a couple times a week, for years.
When this woman got to be 12 she had reached her full height of 6.' Her father was being his usual asshole self at the dinner table, verbally abusing her and making sexual comments, with the other younger kids at the table. My friend took him down to the floor and beat the shit out of him. He left her alone after that.
Sad to say, I met her when she was in her late 50s. She had married and borne two children to a man who was almost as abusive as her father had been. She was that messed up in the head.
This woman was tall, stunningly beautiful, compassionate, an award winning gardener and art teacher and artist. She went into prisons with her modeling clay and helped the prisoners make art to purge their anger and pain from the world.
Nonetheless, while we were dating, she showed extreme "attractive," as you say, submission to myself as a lover, and to two men who were pursuing her. One of them had sex with her, and as she lay there happily semi conscious after sex, took nude photos of her, and posted them on a public board on the internet. When she found them, she asked him to take them down. She had broken up with him a short time before she found the pictures. He said, he would take them down if she took him back. She took him back! Thankfully she broke up with him again soon after. For all I know, those pictures are still up.
FUCK YOU. Fuck that guy and fuck them all. So many men are assholes. We've got one running for President. Women support this fucker. They want a "manly" President!!! By all that's holy, wake up, people!
You know what I have to say to men that abuse women just because they are in a position of power? Just because they have these big dumb muscles and loads of testosterone induced RAGE?
FUCK YOU. Really. FUCK YOU. Painfully. With a splintered broomstick right up the ass.
Women have been fighting, hard, for their rights to have their own personal space, openly, in public, risking life and limb and prison and the threat of being locked up in a mental institution, for about 135 years. Progress is ohhh so slow.
If someone used the Bible to abuse you, it's only natural. Ever read the Bible? The entire Old Testament, from Genesis to Judges, is a clear documentation of how men, using the word Yahweh (the LORD) have used force to keep women down, down in the dirt. Less valued than their cattle and goats. Women were chattel. Which means cattle!
Example:
Judges 6:25
That night the LORD said to Gideon, "Take the second bull from your father's herd, the one that is seven years old. Pull down your father's altar to Baal, and cut down the Asherah pole standing beside it.
Note the use of the word "pole." There is no word for pole in the Hebrew. Just the word Asherah. Who was a goddess. The great goddess of the people of the land. Which men, monotheistic men, hated, because she was the one women honored in their daily lives, to keep them healthy, to keep their kids healthy, to have a healthy birth and breastfeeding experience.
Asherim, small wooden effigies of Asherah, have been found by the thousands all over Israel, buried in the dirt which covered over the huts of the people of Canaan. She was the supreme goddess. Her rites were stamped out by men hungry for power, who sought to control the independence and sexualities of "their" women.
Yahweh even tortured men. He demanded their foreskins, to reduce their enjoyment of sex. The patriarchy hurts men too. But not as much as it hurts women.
Yahweh told Eve (Genesis 3:16):
To the woman [Yahweh] said, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."
As Lewis Black says (and he is a Jewish man), the God of the Old Testament was a prick. The Old Testament is bullshit.
Asherah was prayed to, to reduce the pain of childbirth. Midwives gave the women soothing herbs and hugs to help with the pain, and make the birth process easier and safer. Men's God wished to make the pain as severe as possible. And it went on from there, to this day. To men like the men in your life who taught you to submit to them whenever and wherever they pleased. And if you wouldn't, they took you down to the ground and raped you.
Last year, I tried to date a woman who confessed to me her father raped her from a young age. He was a Bible thumping minister, and well respected by the community. In the family home, he raped her, with the full knowledge of his wife, who was so afraid for her own life and safety, she allowed her prepubescent daughter to be raped repeatedly, a couple times a week, for years.
When this woman got to be 12 she had reached her full height of 6.' Her father was being his usual asshole self at the dinner table, verbally abusing her and making sexual comments, with the other younger kids at the table. My friend took him down to the floor and beat the shit out of him. He left her alone after that.
Sad to say, I met her when she was in her late 50s. She had married and borne two children to a man who was almost as abusive as her father had been. She was that messed up in the head.
This woman was tall, stunningly beautiful, compassionate, an award winning gardener and art teacher and artist. She went into prisons with her modeling clay and helped the prisoners make art to purge their anger and pain from the world.
Nonetheless, while we were dating, she showed extreme "attractive," as you say, submission to myself as a lover, and to two men who were pursuing her. One of them had sex with her, and as she lay there happily semi conscious after sex, took nude photos of her, and posted them on a public board on the internet. When she found them, she asked him to take them down. She had broken up with him a short time before she found the pictures. He said, he would take them down if she took him back. She took him back! Thankfully she broke up with him again soon after. For all I know, those pictures are still up.
FUCK YOU. Fuck that guy and fuck them all. So many men are assholes. We've got one running for President. Women support this fucker. They want a "manly" President!!! By all that's holy, wake up, people!
IndieSolo
Active member
Keats, perhaps you could practice standing up for yourself in small ways every day. For example, saying no or being direct about what you want in everyday situations like in restaurants, grocery stores, the workplace, etc. Flex that muscle and it will be stronger when you're caught up in being horny with someone and feel like you have to acquiesce when a guy doesn't want to put a rubber on. If he still refuses, you can always get yourself off after you kick him out. I mean, any guy who complains about using condoms in 2016 is an ass. Also figure out what your personal boundaries are and know them well, so that you can identify when someone tramples them, and become confident in not tolerating bullshit and crappy treatment.
Spork
Active member
I'm gonna give you some food for thought here, but whether it's a possibility of any interest to you in your reality will depend on many things...not just you, but where you live and how things are there.
I was used to just going along to get along, too. I had no concern of pregnancy as a teen, being as I was on the pill, and I had 34 partners and almost all of them with no protection. Granted. I had a HOBBY of taking the virginity of high school boys and many were either that or so inexperienced as to nearly be that. Still I was LUCKY I did not catch a disease.
Then I met a man who did not simply use me and be on his way, he wanted a woman to possess for life. The full story of that abuse can be found in my blog, I will not get into it here. He had 18 years of my life, from age 18 to 36 I was his. Eventually, if you do not find your voice, you end up property. Because you're letting them decide.
Since getting away from him, I have become very involved in the local kink and BDSM community which in my area is (in my opinion) very healthy and full of a diverse assortment of (mostly) smart, empowered people who are on journeys of self awareness. Coupled with that, my seeking of forums such as this one where we're trying to hear our own authentic voices and follow our own true paths, and I've been absorbing a lot of very healthy messages from these sources. And it has helped.
I've found that one great thing about the community is that it isn't considered petty gossip to use the network to know if people are safe partners. Or more particularly, to OUT the ones who are NOT safe and respectful. I'm in a community where submission is one half of the most common relationship dynamic, where people hurt and humiliate each other, but it's the most healthy and respectful thing you'll encounter, because usually the submissive actually has most of the real power. It is EXPECTED that there will be negotiation. Talks. What we do can be dangerous, so safety is part of the conversation and rules are in place, and people respect them. The submissive partner's boundaries are known and abided by.
The entire thing, whether it's a spanking at a party or a sexual encounter with a new partner of whatever depth, is so much more deliberate. No one wants to take a chance that someone's consent will be violated. Because if they do, the scorn of the community will be upon them.
It doesn't work absolutely perfectly 100% of the time. But my god is it ever a breath of fresh air in the world of ignorant fumblings and assumptions I came from before. And when you surround yourself with empowering messages...you gain empowerment. And until you do, I'd suggest that you take care to avoid situations where your impulses or theirs dictate the outcome.
So. Long story short, I suggest you seek empowering community, to help you find your voice. If your area has a good one, the kink/BDSM/alt lifestyle community might not be a bad idea. Look for munches, classes, and discussion groups. Best wishes.
I was used to just going along to get along, too. I had no concern of pregnancy as a teen, being as I was on the pill, and I had 34 partners and almost all of them with no protection. Granted. I had a HOBBY of taking the virginity of high school boys and many were either that or so inexperienced as to nearly be that. Still I was LUCKY I did not catch a disease.
Then I met a man who did not simply use me and be on his way, he wanted a woman to possess for life. The full story of that abuse can be found in my blog, I will not get into it here. He had 18 years of my life, from age 18 to 36 I was his. Eventually, if you do not find your voice, you end up property. Because you're letting them decide.
Since getting away from him, I have become very involved in the local kink and BDSM community which in my area is (in my opinion) very healthy and full of a diverse assortment of (mostly) smart, empowered people who are on journeys of self awareness. Coupled with that, my seeking of forums such as this one where we're trying to hear our own authentic voices and follow our own true paths, and I've been absorbing a lot of very healthy messages from these sources. And it has helped.
I've found that one great thing about the community is that it isn't considered petty gossip to use the network to know if people are safe partners. Or more particularly, to OUT the ones who are NOT safe and respectful. I'm in a community where submission is one half of the most common relationship dynamic, where people hurt and humiliate each other, but it's the most healthy and respectful thing you'll encounter, because usually the submissive actually has most of the real power. It is EXPECTED that there will be negotiation. Talks. What we do can be dangerous, so safety is part of the conversation and rules are in place, and people respect them. The submissive partner's boundaries are known and abided by.
The entire thing, whether it's a spanking at a party or a sexual encounter with a new partner of whatever depth, is so much more deliberate. No one wants to take a chance that someone's consent will be violated. Because if they do, the scorn of the community will be upon them.
It doesn't work absolutely perfectly 100% of the time. But my god is it ever a breath of fresh air in the world of ignorant fumblings and assumptions I came from before. And when you surround yourself with empowering messages...you gain empowerment. And until you do, I'd suggest that you take care to avoid situations where your impulses or theirs dictate the outcome.
So. Long story short, I suggest you seek empowering community, to help you find your voice. If your area has a good one, the kink/BDSM/alt lifestyle community might not be a bad idea. Look for munches, classes, and discussion groups. Best wishes.
Bravo Magdlyn! You took the words out of my mouth.
I love our country, but sometimes its really hard to love it's people and their ignorance and stupidity.
Matou
Spork
Active member
Yes, and I ramble a bit but the point to make is that SOME folks are rebelling from the ignorant mindsets and forging a new social reality for ourselves. The trick is finding those people.
We are out there! Here. Whatever.
Thanks.
But it's not just our country, of course. It's even worse in some other countries, of course, where women can't even leave the house without a male escort, don't receive an education,can't vote, can't get a decent job to enable financial independence, have no access to birth control, are married at age 8, and pregnant at 11, etc., etc.