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Sushine7891

New member
Hi All,

I recently ended a casual agreement with a partner who failed to let me know they were in a open ENM relationship until after we had slept together. My issue isn’t with ENM but with being casual when their emotional ties are with someone else. Also with the idea that my understanding is ENM is consensual and I was not offered the opportunity to consent to involvement. Over time, what I wanted has changed and I’m uncomfortable with the idea that there are emotional ties elsewhere. I did communicate that my wants/needs had changed which is why I was told about the open relationship. Im told my ideas are wrong and there’s not hierarchy but I’m struggling to understand this, especially as I’ve discovered that open relationship partner is all over social media. Am I being unreasonable or am I right to walk away from this? Any insights, experiences welcomed. Keen to learn and understand.
 
I'm trying to understand what you mean here. Are you saying you were in a casual relationship (meaning no expectations of it going anywhere), but over time you wanted more from it? And when you asked for that, you were only then told that your partner is ENM and already has another partner? You don't want to be with someone who has another partner, and so you ended it? Is that basically correct?

If so, you don't have to stay with anyone for any reason. You are free to end it. I would agree that this person should have told you this information sooner, so that you could make informed choices. You seem to also be thinking a person can't have an emotional connection with more than one person. That part is incorrect. Polyamory is based on the idea that you can LOVE more than one person at a time. Most members of this board are poly, including myself.

Even so, that doesn't mean you have to be OK with it. You can date whoever you want, and if you want your partner to be monogamous, then that's your call. It's not unreasonable to walk away if that's a deal breaker for you.
 
Hello Sushine7891,

You are not being unreasonable, you are right to walk away from this. Your now-ex partner should have told you about their open ENM relationship before you slept with them. Not telling you (so as to not ask for your consent) removes the "E" part (Ethical) from the ENM. They cheated on you, more to the point. And there is definitely a hierarchy if they have emotional ties with someone else, but not with you.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Did you not want a casual relationship? Because if you did, I don't see what difference it would make if they had a more serious partner. Some polyamorous people also engage in more or less casual relationships with other partners.

Now, just the same, it's not ethical non-mono if they don't tell you that they're poly asap, either in chat before your first date, or on your first date. Not telling you until you'd had sex a few times and you were starting to fall for them was WRONG.

Even if you wanted a casual r'ship, it's a good thing to find out if they are dating/fucking others, and what their beliefs are around safer sex practices. I assume you've been using condoms, but some infections can still be passed on despite condom use, and condoms can slip off or break.
 
Openbook23 said:
I'm trying to understand what you mean here. Are you saying you were in a casual relationship (meaning no expectations of it going anywhere), but over time you wanted more from it? And when you asked for that, you were only then told that your partner is ENM and already has another partner? You don't want to be with someone who has another partner, and so you ended it? Is that basically correct?

If so, you don't have to stay with anyone for any reason. You are free to end it. I would agree that this person should have told you this information sooner, so that you could make informed choices. You seem to also be thinking a person can't have an emotional connection with more than one person. That part is incorrect. Polyamory is based on the idea that you can LOVE more than one person at a time. Most members of this board are poly, including myself.

Even so, that doesn't mean you have to be OK with it. You can date whoever you want, and if you want your partner to be monogamous, then that's your call. It's not unreasonable to walk away if that's a deal breaker for you.
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If I’m honest, I don’t fully understand but I’m trying to both for my own sake and because I’d like to be more aware.

Yes, it started casual and my needs changed as did the situation (unbeknown to me). They don’t describe themselves as poly, rather that they are in an open relationship where they can see other people. They also told me they were not ‘emotionally available’. My problem is not seeing someone that is seeing others, it’s the hierarchy and the lack of emotional availability. This is what I am trying to unpick.
 
Magdlyn said:
Did you not want a casual relationship? Because if you did, I don't see what difference it would make if they had a more serious partner. Some polyamorous people also engage in more or less casual relationships with other partners.

Now, just the same, it's not ethical non-mono if they don't tell you that they're poly asap, either in chat before your first date, or on your first date. Not telling you until you'd had sex a few times and you were starting to fall for them was WRONG.

Even if you wanted a casual r'ship, it's a good thing to find out if they are dating/fucking others, and what their beliefs are around safer sex practices. I assume you've been using condoms, but some infections can still be passed on despite condom use, and condoms can slip off or break.
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Hi, at first, yes. I wasn’t capable of anything more however, I had no awareness of their non-monogamous status. Lesson learned, I will ask better questions in future. The difference for me is that my wants changed and I communicated them. Only then did they share that they were in an open relationship (this was about 2 months in and plenty of unprotected sex). They claim my experience with them has only changed due to my awareness of the other person. My struggle is that I feel it was non-consensual but I don’t know if I’ve expected too much and if my expectations are unreasonable.

I’m not against open relationships. I just don’t want to be the casual/physical relationship for someone whom I’ve fallen for especially if they have emotional ties elsewhere.
 
To be blunt, then don't be. Extricate yourself now and look for what you actually want.
 
Evie said:
To be blunt, then don't be. Extricate yourself now and look for what you actually want.
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Oh I have. I guess I’m trying to avoid such ignorance in future. I’d never considered a non-monogamous relationship before. This experience has got me questioning lots of things.
 
Then for future reference, all you can really do is ask the question "is there anyone else you're involved with?" And hope you're told the truth.
 
Sushine7891 said:
If I’m honest, I don’t fully understand but I’m trying to both for my own sake and because I’d like to be more aware.

Yes, it started casual and my needs changed as did the situation (unbeknown to me). They don’t describe themselves as poly, rather that they are in an open relationship where they can see other people. They also told me they were not ‘emotionally available’. My problem is not seeing someone that is seeing others, it’s the hierarchy and the lack of emotional availability. This is what I am trying to unpick.
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I was confused by what you meant by "casual" - it meant; it means, to me, no promises, no expectations - but you expected them them to be "emotionally available" which means different things, apparently, if you are mono, poly, or open. For you, did "casual" mean that if they were casual with you, they were casual with anyone they were involved with? (i.e. the minute something becomes non-casual everything else shuts down even if the people involved don't want anything more?)

As a poly identifying person, I would say I am potentially emotionally availble regardless of my other relationships...depending on how things work out with any given individual....
 
Ok, thank you. This helps. I fully understand what casual means and was happy with that. I guess I (wrongly) assumed that we were casual due to distance/timing rather than emotional availability
 
That helps a lot, thanks! Sounds like they are basically swingers. They are allowed to have casual things with other people but not develop emotional feelings. Yes, that's ENM (although the E part, as noted above, means this person should have told you...and having unprotected sex with you without telling you they are with someone else is a HUGE red flag). It's not poly, but you never said it was.

How to avoid this in future? As others noted, I guess you'll have to ask if they have any other sexual partners. Still, this person should have offered that, and that's not OK. Sorry.
 
Sushine7891 said:
At first, yes, I wasn’t capable of anything more. However, I had no awareness of their non-monogamous status. Lesson learned, I will ask better questions in future.
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Be aware that asking questions is a good idea. However, you may get lies for answers. More on that below.
Sushine7891 said:
The difference for me is that my wants changed and I communicated them. Only then did they share that they were in an open relationship (this was about 2 months in and plenty of unprotected sex).
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Wait a minute! You had lots of unprotected sex with a brand-new dating partner? Never mind the casual/committed wonderings. I hope you have already gone and got yourself tested. Even if your dating partner and you shared sex labs results before the first time you had sex, if he lied by omission about his dating status, he might be having unprotected sex with any number of other partners, putting you at risk. Run, don't walk, to your clinic and get tested!

Generally most polyamorous people share sex labs before starting to get sexual with a new partner, and then continue to use condoms for at least a few months, until trust is established and you are fully aware of whom else they are dating and what safer sex practices they are using with them.
Sushine7891 said:
They claim my experience with them has only changed due to my awareness of the other person.
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That sounds like he is passing the buck onto you, for your choice to end the relationship, when he was at fault for not telling you he had a serious commitment to someone else in the first place. Of course, if you thought he was mono for those two months you were dating him, only to have him tell you he wasn't mono two months and many sex sessions in, you aren't going to trust him and are going to decide to dump his ass.

Hell, even if you were fully polyamorous, you might still dump him for not being upfront about his serious r'ship with someone else. I wouldn't blame you at all.
Sushine7891 said:
My struggle is that I feel it was non-consensual, but I don’t know if I’ve expected too much and if my expectations are unreasonable.
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It's not a "feeling." It is a fact that you were not given the opportunity to make an informed choice to date this person who is in a non-ethical open relationship. He is not ENM. He didn't tell you about his other partner(s), so he is non-ethical. He probably does this all the time. Poly men are not seen as good dating choices by many women. Most women are mono, after all. So he chose to lie about his dating status just to get into your pants.
Sushine7891 said:
I’m not against open relationships. I just don’t want to be the casual/physical relationship for someone whom I’ve fallen for, especially if they have emotional ties elsewhere.
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So you're thinking you could be in an emotional/romantic/sexual relationship with someone else if they were only in casual relationships with others? You're interested in monogamy, being someone else's ONLY love. You're not polyamorous. You don't want to be in love with someone who loves more than one person. That's fine. Polyamory is not for everyone.

This isn't the same thing, but, I have been lied to by men who said they were polyamorous, only to find out a few dates in that they were actually not poly, they were just "playing the field" until they found Ms Right. One of these men told me they were dating a woman who had a kid, and they were sure they didn't want to get serious with someone who had a kid, only to dump me and commit to this woman and her kid! Another man told me he wanted to keep dating me, but the other woman he was dating wanted to be mono, and even though he wanted to remain poly (in his heart), and liked me/was attracted to me, he chose to be with the mono woman (with the intent of being sexually faithful to her.)

I once had a few dates with a younger Indian man. I quizzed the heck out of him in chat and on our first date, because of the culture in his former homeland, about his intent to get married. I asked him if his parents/relatives were not trying to find him a young Indian woman in the US to get engaged/married to. He said, Oh no, there was no pressure from his family in India to marry. He wanted to be with me, he was a swinger, he was into open relationships. After we'd had sex twice, he then told me he was dating a young Indian woman an Indian COWORKER had set him up with. And this woman was seeking an Indian husband! It seemed like he thought of me as some kind of unpaid sex worker, a concubine, who was good to be put to use for his own sexual release, but not worthy of true long-term partnership.

Men do say the darnedest things just to get laid. The omit info, they skirt the edges of the truth, they outright lie. Men admit among themselves, as a badge of honor almost, how they lie just to get laid. Hahaha they are so clever. "Yeah, man, you got laid by that dumb bitch, go you!"
 
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