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Feekenn25

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Hello I’m m new to this.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, we have 2 children together, but we just started talking to other people about 2 months ago. We have boundaries set but very basic ones (if you say your going to be home at a certain time then be home or send a message saying your running late, keep one day a week strictly for discussions, and always be honest). We didn’t have boundaries about protection with our partners. He has a girlfriend I have a boyfriend. Even though we are still intimate I have slept with my boyfriend (as he has with his girlfriend). I just found out I’m pregnant, I told my husband and he is okay with it but doesn’t know how to handle the situation. The baby could be his or my boyfriend’s (so we are getting dna done). If the baby is my boyfriend’s my husband said he is by my side no matter what but doesn’t want to help with the baby unless the other guy isn’t in the picture anymore….to me it sounds unreasonable because if he is willing to help with the baby if my boyfriend ditched then why wouldn’t he want to help if my boyfriend stays in the picture??

If the baby is my boyfriend’s how do I split time fairly if he does stay in the picture?
 
Just to share my experience - NOT to tell you what you should do, should have done!:

When Dude and I got together I was not on contraception as I was still actively desiring a pregnancy. MrS and I had already gone through a miscarriage years earlier and never gotten pregnant again over the intervening 9 years (unsurprising as MrS is grey-Ace and we rarely have sex that could result in pregnancy). Initially Dude and I used condoms, and MrS and I talked about what would happen if I became pregnant anyway. After loads of discussion, our final decision was that - if I ended up getting pregnant, by either fellow - our (MrS and I's) preference was to raise the child as our own with Dude a potential "sperm donor" if he was the father with "favorite uncle"status (in our state any child born to a woman who is married is assumed to be her husband's regardless of biological paternity unless other arrangements are made).

I approached Dude, who had verbalized that he had NO desire to be a parent with a proposal that he and I could forego condoms (which he didn't like to use) and birth control IF he was willing to not seek parental rights should I become pregnant and he would be willing to sign a legal agreement to that effect. If he was not willing to enter into that agreement then we could - A.) continue to use condoms with fingers crossed, or B.) I could go back on birth control and resign myself to no babies, or C.) he (Dude) could get a vasectomy to prevent pregnancy on his end. He went with option A - no condoms and any baby conceived would be legal child of me and MrS.

I did end up getting pregnant - most likely with Dude. Turns out, when faced with the actual situation, Dude had unexpected feeling about being an involved parent (Surprise! - not really, a person doesn't know how they really feel until they are in a given situation). I ended up with another miscarriage. After talking with both of the boys - I decided to get off of the roller coaster and get back on birth control. MrS would have supported any decision I mide but wasn't keen on riding the roller-coast over again. So I went on birth control.

Dude is now out of the picture. I am on birth control (hormannal IUD - Condoms are used to decrease risk of infecton if deemed necessary. MrClean and I are both fixed - I have an IUD, he has a vesctomy. Pregnancy rules are the same...If an "oops" happens, then MrS and I are the parents regardless.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I think you should have discussed this way before now
Click to expand...
We had brought it up that is was always a possibility of happening to me or my husbands got and my husband is fine with that. We love kids and wanted a big family anyways. But to me it sounds as if he doesn’t want me to see my bf while pregnant but why should I have to stop seeing my bf? That sounds unreasonable…I don’t actually need my husband or bf to support the baby financially I just want this child to get the love my other children get.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
Just to share my experience - NOT to tell you what you should do, should have done!:

When Dude and I got together I was not on contraception as I was still actively desiring a pregnancy. MrS and I had already gone through a miscarriage years earlier and never gotten pregnant again over the intervening 9 years (unsurprising as MrS is grey-Ace and we rarely have sex that could result in pregnancy). Initially Dude and I used condoms, and MrS and I talked about what would happen if I became pregnant anyway. After loads of discussion, our final decision was that - if I ended up getting pregnant, by either fellow - our (MrS and I's) preference was to raise the child as our own with Dude a potential "sperm donor" if he was the father with "favorite uncle"status (in our state any child born to a woman who is married is assumed to be her husband's regardless of biological paternity unless other arrangements are made).

I approached Dude, who had verbalized that he had NO desire to be a parent with a proposal that he and I could forego condoms (which he didn't like to use) and birth control IF he was willing to not seek parental rights should I become pregnant and he would be willing to sign a legal agreement to that effect. If he was not willing to enter into that agreement then we could - A.) continue to use condoms with fingers crossed, or B.) I could go back on birth control and resign myself to no babies, or C.) he (Dude) could get a vasectomy to prevent pregnancy on his end. He went with option A - no condoms and any baby conceived would be legal child of me and MrS.

I did end up getting pregnant - most likely with Dude. Turns out, when faced with the actual situation, Dude had unexpected feeling about being an involved parent (Surprise! - not really, a person doesn't know how they really feel until they are in a given situation). I ended up with another miscarriage. After talking with both of the boys - I decided to get off of the roller coaster and get back on birth control. MrS would have supported any decision I mide but wasn't keen on riding the roller-coast over again. So I went on birth control.

Dude is now out of the picture. I am on birth control (hormannal IUD - Condoms are used to decrease risk of infecton if deemed necessary. MrClean and I are both fixed - I have an IUD, he has a vesctomy. Pregnancy rules are the same...If an "oops" happens, then MrS and I are the parents regardless.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your insight…I have now talked with my husband some more and he just really doesn’t want my bf to be in and out of ours or the babies life…my bf has 2 kids of his own and if the baby is his I know would like to be around…but my husband makes it seem like he wants me to be mono while pregnant and I don’t know if I can do that. But my hubs has started opening up more about his feelings with everything. I guess he needed time to process the situation. We still want to talk to my bf together just to clear everything up. I really appreciate your story!
 
It sounds like you and your husband aren't using any birth control together either? You've only been together 3 years, have 2 kids and another on the way? I guess, if that make you happy, you do you. My daughter popped out 5 kids in 8 years. And she tells me she may not be done! It sounds horrible to me, lol, but I was at my wit's end with 3 kids in 5 years, and stopped there.

Anyway, this is a highly unusual polyamory situation. After 2 months, you may not really love your bf. It's too soon to know. Did you and he not discuss using condoms to prevent the transmission of STDs as well as to prevent pregnancy? If he just started have sex with you with no condoms, he must have known pregnancy was probably going to happen. Does he know you and your husband weren't using condoms either? Does he want to be a dad to another child whether you and he break up or not? Is he married to the mother of his kids?

It sounds like you (all 3) just went headlong into this with no forethought. And now your husband is trying to tell you that you need to break up with your bf since you got pregnant by either the bf or himself. Where is the sense in that?

How do you even both have time to date with 2 kids under 3 years of age? I was so swamped with my kids when they were young I barely had the energy or time for dates and sex with my husband, much less energy to seek and date others.
 
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Hello Feekenn25,

I think you should give your husband and boyfriend equal portions of your time, but as I'm sure you know, you won't have much time to divide, the baby will require enormous amounts of it. If your boyfriend is willing to help with the baby, that should count as the baby's time, your boyfriend should still get an equal portion outside that. Such are my initial thoughts.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
YOU say you think your husband is being unreasonable for not wanting to be involved if bf stays in the picture. Has your husband even met the guy ? How many actual dates or better yet hours have you been with him. And how many of those were doing non naked stuff ? Poly dating with a husband and 2 small kids could mean once or twice a month tops . Why should your husband commit to something like that ?? I think it’s unreasonable to assume the opposite.
 
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