New to poly and feeling isolated - judgement from others

A

Andi1787

New member
Hello,
I am brand new to ENM relationships. My husband and I have been together for 10 years (married for 6) and have been monogamous. A few months ago, we both shared that we would be interested in having more sexual experiences together since we have only been with two other people. We waited and decided to think about it until my best friend (well... was. More on that soon) posed the question what I thought about open relationships. It prompted me to speak to my husband again and we decided to pursue an open relationship (together.. not separate).
I made the mistake of making a Tinder account looking for another couple and somehow, my best friend found my profile. She questioned me and I opened up to her. To my disappointment, she was very judgmental. Without me asking, she shared that she would never do this, she thought it was strange, and acted very weird around me. She explained that she was only telling me this to “help me”. I would never do that to someone so I was truly hurt by her response. My questions are:
1. How do you deal with judgement from loved ones? Her judgement made me feel shameful and guilty and I have lost what I thought was a dear friend in the process.

2. I do have some feelings of jealousy when my husband and I swap. He assures me that it is purely physical with these other women but I can’t seem to get over the fact that he is being intimate with someone else. However, it would not be fair for me to swap and he not and I do want the experience.

I am only 2 weeks into this whole new world and it already feels isolating. Polyamory is a big no no in my community so it feels like a shameful secret that I have to keep, which I hate. I am here since I really need to find a like minded community of people who understand.
Thank you for reading!
 
Could keep this simpler on you.

Polyamory is a big no no in my community so it feels like a shameful secret that I have to keep, which I hate. I am here since I really need to find a like minded community of people who understand.
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Well, you don't have to shout it from the street, but you also don't have to keep a "shameful secret" either. You can be "out" at poly to whoever you trust and want to be out to.

I made the mistake of making a Tinder account looking for another couple and somehow, my best friend found my profile. She questioned me and I opened up to her. To my disappointment, she was very judgmental. Without me asking, she shared that she would never do this, she thought it was strange, and acted very weird around me. She explained that she was only telling me this to “help me”. I would never do that to someone so I was truly hurt by her response.
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That says more about her than you.

I suppose you could have asked her "What are you helping me with?" But really Help that is not asked for, is not "help." It's intrusion.

One of my oldest friends went on a similar rip when talking about poly. How it is crap, it would never work, she didn't know anyone poly, it was stupid. etc. I calmly told her I was poly and it worked out fine for me for over 5 years in a V. And my mom's best friend has been the second wife for DECADES. And if it wasn't for her, just don't practice poly then. Why make a big deal?

She was stunned, and wanted to know why she didn't know sooner. I asked her when would she ever hang out with my mom's friend? And why would I tell her? I didn't want to date her. I also said...

"I suspect you know more people than you think, but they don't say anything to you. Anyone around you who is different -- poly, LGBTQ+, divorced, different religion, whatever... when they observe you going off on a rip like that from the sky... being so judgy? How does that make it seem you a safe person to talk to about their more personal/private things? You may not be as close friends as you think, because you go around behaving like that."

She pretty much didn't know what to say. In the end she said something like "Well, poly might work for you, but it would NEVER work for me. I am way too jealous."

I said "Well, that's a different statement than "all poly is crap and it would never work." You don't HAVE to practice poly. Nobody is making you. You have your own preferences for your relationships."

I didn't take any of HER STUFF on board for me. You are not obligated to carry other people's baggage for them.

To this day I don't know where that rip out of the blue sky came from.

My questions are:
1. How do you deal with judgement from loved ones? Her judgement made me feel shameful and guilty and I have lost what I thought was a dear friend in the process.
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I have strong personal boundaries.

I say "no" if someone is crossing a line and I leave the room.

I change the topic.

I ask them "What do you mean when you say..."

I also figure people are free to think whatever they want to think. Even crap thoughts.

And I am free to live my life how I wan to be living it. Including not listening to crap thoughts.

I've been told I'm going to hell. I calmly replied "Well, God made me as I am. I'm prepared face God's judgement if I end up there and take the heat."

If this is your first time dealing in that, I can understand feeling upset, angry, etc. It can also feel lonely, isolating. Also sad when you see people more fully, and what you see disappoints you.

I am fortunate in that the people I am out too? They don't make a fuss about it. They are out themselves in similar or other ways or very accepting. The other people in my life? They are used to it. "Oh, there's Galagirl, doing her weird stuff again. She's always been weird."

The ones that make a super stink about it? Well, I don't associate with them any more.

Give you friend some time. Perhaps over time, even if she doesn't come to LOVE the fact that you are in an open marriage, she will realize this area of your life doesn't really affect her or the friendship.

we decided to pursue an open relationship (together.. not separate).
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Ok.

2. I do have some feelings of jealousy when my husband and I swap. He assures me that it is purely physical with these other women but I can’t seem to get over the fact that he is being intimate with someone else. However, it would not be fair for me to swap and he not and I do want the experience.
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Poly is different than swinging. If you are discovering swinging together is not for you? Could try to adjust over time since it is still very new. Or could swing without having to watch your spouse.

As you say, you are only 2 weeks into exploring open marriage. What KINDS of open activities you are into? Well, you have to figure that out.
Maybe some of these help you organize your thoughts.


Galagirl
 
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Welcome. We started out swinging, then moved to poly. Me first then my wife. Sit down and talk. Discuss your feelings, get it all in the open. What are your individual goals. What are his goals. What are your corporate goals. Find a common ground from which to operate.

There can be some difficult times dealing with sharing, swinging or poly. Accept that as a reality and deal with it. Another good book is “the Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships “. It is meant for poly folk but applies to any relationship.

Best wishes
 
Greetings Andi1787,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Here's some things to help you with your feelings of jealousy.
As for your best friend (ex-best-friend), to me it just sounds like she's being a jerk. What business is it even of hers what you do in your romantic life? So you have a Tinder account, so what? Heck, why does *she* have a Tinder account? I wonder if she is projecting. Just tell her that you would appreciate it if she would not involve herself in your business.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Response to 1. Judgement

When I told my best friend I was poly, we were staying at a holiday home on our annual girly getaway. The next morning she told me that after she went to bed that night she rang her husband and had a total meltdown about what I'd told her. He (and he's actually not that fond of me, hence why we go to a holiday town, just her and I) told her to pull her damn head in, that my choices don't affect her in any way, nor should they affect our friendship. I was honestly quite hurt when she told me she had a meltdown, but I was really pleased that her hubby was firm about giving her some perspective.

The deepest irony is that before she met him, she cheated on every significant other she'd had (and generally they on her). Also, she actually started "dating" (in the truly Kiwi sense) her now husband BEFORE he left his ex-wife. But she chose deliberate monogamy with marriage; if she even gets a hint of an attraction to someone else she'll actively shut them out of her life to the greatest extent possible. We have totally different values around marriage, but both with the same goal - to preserve the relationship. I want to grow old with my husband, and she does with hers. I just don't think that means I can *only* grow old with my husband.

She's gained some perspective now and is happy enough to hear when I talk about Adam, Puck, Lance, Mike and Golf. She's known Hermit as long as I have, so if I ever talk about him she's got a face to put to the name, plus he and I are just friends anyway.

So, I nearly lost a friendship, but luckily we persevered. Admittedly, we're at a time of life where we aren't close - she's raising a family and I'm not, and this is at least as big of a gulf between us, but we stay in touch and make the effort to catch up every year or two. But right now, space is healthier for our friendship than being super close is.
 
People are going to question polyamory. It's a new way of relating that flies in the face of our supposedly monogamous culture. I firmly believe that humans are not biologically mono. And pretty much no other animal that walks, flies or creeps is monogamous, either. Period.

Economically, ages ago, when we humans left tribal groups and small villages, and started to amass goods in cities, we began to pay attention to the idea of inheritance. That is when children become the property of one man. Earlier, children "belonged" to a tribe, and were raised in and supported by the collective. While having one set of biological parents, they did not "belong" solely to them. That's the idea of, "It takes a village."

The cycle continues. Polyamory is not really a new idea. We are gradually entering a phase, where one man does not own his wife (and control her sexuality) and own his biological children. Women are more autonomous. We control our own sexuality. If we have a child, we may be able to afford to raise it on our own, or to get help from social services, or child support from the bio father, even if we no longer are in a "mono" relationship with him.

So... people are uncomfortable with this change, and all its implications. It's hard to be mono! So many people cheat on mono relationships, and then feel guilt and shame. To hear that a person is NOT mono, and that their partners know about each other, can be extremely shocking. And then "mono" people may speak without thinking rationally, from their own place of fear and guilt and repression.
 
While I am in a historical mood, I'd like to share the role of "religion" in controlling sexuality.

The testament of the Hebrews (called by Christians, the Old Testament) was written at a time when many people were still living in small tribal groups (even as many people do today), and some were moving to, or establishing cities. There were large cities, Babylon, for example, cities in the advanced culture of Egypt, etc. But by and large, most people were still rural, farmers, goatherds, etc.

At that time (1200-400 BCE), by and large, people worshiped powerful goddesses, as well as gods. People were polytheistic and polyamorous. The idea that children and women belonged to one man was new. It was being imposed by force. The Adam and Eve story came about partly, to enforce the idea that the woman "should," or more specifically, "must," only desire one man, her husband. (No mention was made of him desiring only one woman, note.)

There was about a 2000 year period around that time where monogamy (for women) and monotheism were imposed by force, to shore up men's ability to hand down their businesses and goods to their own bio sons. This left women in a very vulnerable position.

The question remained, what if she was "barren"? What if she couldn't have kids with her husband? As we know now, this could be caused by the man's insufficient fertility, not just the woman's. In the culture of the time, despite the gradually imposed monogamy, actual practices increased fertility in 2 ways. If a woman couldn't conceive, she could go to the temple and have sex with a male prostitute. Also, at certain holidays, sexual license, aka orgies, were encouraged. These practices allowed many women to conceive even if their lawful husband was infertile. Children born from these practices would have been considered to belong to a goddess, or god, or to the woman's husband. It varied.

These practices were considered to be sacred, and were proudly practiced, even into Roman pagan times.

I'm a nerd, but I think this kind of history is so freaking interesting.
 
FallenAngelina said:
I'm curious what dating in the truly Kiwi sense means. Sex?
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Yep. And the all important brunch the next day. So, it usually goes: Brief flirtation, have sex, sleep off whatever had led to the flirtation, and see if the conversation flows well the next morning, enough to get through brunch. If it does, you're basically in a relationship at least until the NRE wears off.

Alternatively, someone goes home before falling asleep, or at the latest, before brunch. This is basically the "thanks but no thanks" indicator.

That's how it worked for my generation, not sure quite how it goes now.
 
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