New to poly, and partner's partner is cheating. Please help!

T

threefiveeight

New member
Hi everyone,

I'm going through a really tough time with this, and I'm hoping you guys can help me figure out what to do.

This is the first poly relationship I've been in. I only have one partner right now, and we've been together for about five months. He's an incredibly special person, and I care deeply about him.

About a month into our relationship, he started seeing someone else--but she was in a closed marriage, and her husband still doesn't know the extent of their relationship. A few weeks ago, I realized this really sat with me wrong. I felt like I suddenly didn't trust my partner because he was willing to keep up that lie (he was living with the married couple for a couple weeks), and it also made me lose respect for him.

I voiced my concerns and said that I couldn't feel authentic and keep seeing him if he continued to be in a deceitful relationship, and after we had a lot of discussion and took space from each other, he decided to stop seeing his other partner until it was okay with her husband. I was relieved, and it felt like a solution.

She then opened up to her husband about wanting to be with my partner (though not about their history), and her husband initially gave the okay. Three days ago, he changed his mind, and two days ago, he left for the Navy (he'll be back in their town in 3 months for a period of about 6 months). My partner told me yesterday that he wants to continue seeing her anyway.

Now, I'm new to polyamory, and I'm having a hard time sorting out my feelings because I have no precedent for all this. I am jealous of his other partner. They both live in a different city than I do and spend a lot of time together. I can't figure out whether I want him to stop seeing her so I can trust and respect him more or because I'm jealous of their relationship. I've been working a lot on my jealousy; it's a journey.

His justification for continuing their relationship is that it's good for both of them: his therapist says she helps him deal with issues he has with his mother, and he feels like their relationship has allowed her to improve her self-esteem and speak up in her marriage about things: apparently her husband has hit her and engages in abusive behavior like shaming, and she has since stood up to him about these things. He says their plan is for her to get her husband comfortable with the idea so they can all be open about it.

As far as I know, he's been very open about everything with me.

So, my questions are: am I justified in wanting that relationship to end if they aren't able to be honest about it? Is this just coming from a place of jealousy? Should I trust my partner? Am I not being compassionate enough?
 
I had the same issue, and eventually, it caused my partner and his SO to part ways. Karma always takes care of things, in my experience.
 
PiP, thanks for the reply. Did you do anything about the situation, or did you just wait it out? Did you feel like it affected your trust or respect for your partner for them to be with someone who was cheating?
 
Honestly, I think this would be a deal breaker for me. It's my own issue (my parents' marriage included a lot of cheating) but I just couldn't trust someone who was willing to be "the other party." I understand there are all sorts of circumstances, reasons, etc, and I don't think that someone is a bad person for making that choice, but it's still a hard limit.
 
threefiveeight said:
So, my questions are: am I justified in wanting that relationship to end if they aren't able to be honest about it? Is this just coming from a place of jealousy? Should I trust my partner? Am I not being compassionate enough?
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You can want anything that feels right. As far as it being justified, that's all a matter of perspective. We've had this discussion on these boards at one point, I'd link it for you but I couldn't find it.

Some people believe that you should consider his willingness to cheat as evidence that he is fundamentally dishonest.

Myself, I don't see how his other relationship is any of your business.

In the end, none of our opinions really matter. If you find that your ability to trust him has been hampered then that is just the way it is. Since he is not willing to stop the behavior you are responding to negatively, there isn't much you can do to repair said damaged trust. So it seems that you can either accept him as he is or adjust your relationship with him to a point where your lack of trust doesn't impact you.
 
I am sorry you struggle. Don't overthink it.

Here is your boundary:

I voiced my concerns and said that I couldn't feel authentic and keep seeing him if he continued to be in a deceitful relationship, and after we had a lot of discussion and took space from each other, he decided to stop seeing his other partner until it was okay with her husband.
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Is the husband currently ok with them seeing each other? Nope. The husband is not ok with it a this time.

Your BF want to see the woman behind the husband's back at this time? He is a grown up. He can choose what he wants.

You are a grown up. You can choose what you want. So when you check against your boundary? It is limit reached. You have your answer -- you break it off with him so YOU can keep true to what YOU value.

In breaking up and not seeing him any more? You keep your authenticity/integrity. And you are free to date a person who does not do that behavior that you do not like.

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. That's what dating is FOR -- to find the compatible ones who share your values, interests, etc. :eek:

Galagirl
 
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threefiveeight said:
PiP, thanks for the reply. Did you do anything about the situation, or did you just wait it out? Did you feel like it affected your trust or respect for your partner for them to be with someone who was cheating?
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I waited it out at first, than my partner stepped forward of his own accord. He ended up removing himself from the relationship (at least romantically, he refused to sleep with her as long as she chose to cheat with married men).

I don't think I could have stayed with him, in the long run, if he hadn't done so.
 
I, myself, would not be comfortable being in a romantic relationship with someone who was willing to be with a cheater. While their other relationship may be none of my business, the type of person that they are certainly is. And the fact that they are the type of person who is willing to be with a cheating spouse would certainly lessen their attraction for me.

There is also the practical concerns of STIs/testing (if she's cheating on her husband, she may also be cheating on your boyfriend type thing) and fall-out along the chain if things go side-ways and angry husband goes on a rampage and blows up boyfriend's car (possibly with you in it as a casualty of war!) The potential for unnecessary drama is, in my estimation, too high.

But I don't know how far out I would take it...what if my partner's other partner's other partner was dating a cheater? etc.
 
That's a complicated situation, for sure.

Personally, I choose not to form romantic or sexual relationships with married men unless their wives are fully aware and on board with it. And I have been known in the past to ask the wife to cover my own ass; the last thing I need is to be accused or suspected of deliberately breaking up someone's marriage.

That's my boundary for *my* interactions: If you're married, your wife has to be fully aware of what's going on.

Would I be willing to date someone who is also dating a cheater? That's a very gray area. I think that would make me uncomfortable, and I don't think I would be able to maintain the relationship. Honesty is very, very important to me. What other people do with their lives is none of my business; but if it involves me, it is my business. And in my mind, my partner's partner involves me tangentially. It's none of my business what they do together, but as others have said, if my partner is willing to support someone's cheating by having a relationship with them, I would question how far *I* could trust him. (Then again, I have massive trust issues, but that's another story for another time...)
 
threefiveeight said:
. . . it also made me lose respect for him.
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Personally, I cannot be in relationship with someone who has lost my respect, nor with anyone who doesn't respect me, so everything you wrote after that sentence is a moot point to me. Doesn't matter what his reasons are - who gives a shit? If someone I'm ddating engages in acts that I do not regard as ethical, and which effectively erode away my respect for him, the only reason I would still hang onto trying to make the relationship work would be either very low self-esteem on my part, or "scarcity thinking" - a mistaken belief that there is no one else out there for me and this is my last shot at love.

Honey, believe me, it's true when they say there are plenty of fish in the sea. Don't settle! Your personal ethics and convictions have to mean something to you; otherwise, why have them?
 
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It's very likely your bf has been completely open with you. The fact that he chooses to continue to engage with this woman who is cheating - yes, she is the cheater; your bf is the enabler - speaks to perhaps a different set of ethics than yours, but it does not follow that he is being dishonest, even if the woman he is involved with is.

The thing that stands out to me is that this has the potential for some seriously toxic drama once the husband returns. The fact that her husband has a history of being abusive only heightens the likelihood.

I applaud you for considering the fact that your jealousy may be interfering with your ability to evaluate objectively. But just because you are jealous doesn't mean these other concerns have no validity.
 
Re (from Marcus):
"We've had this discussion on these boards at one point, I'd link it for you but I couldn't find it."
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I was reminded of "Confessing a Past Affair," though I don't suppose that's the one.

Re: would I keep seeing someone ("an enabler") who was seeing someone ("a cheater") who was cheating on their spouse ... possibly, though I'd probably at least nag them about it indefinitely unless/until they did something to correct the situation.

Re: jealousy ... that is an entirely separate issue. As difficult as it is, I think you need to figure out where you stand with respect to the ethical dilemma before anything else. If you decide to stay with this guy, then you can start working on the jealousy problem.

Just my opinion
Kevin T.
 
Hi threefiveeight,

I see your dilemma and I think it's wonderful that you are trying to differentiate between feelings of jealousy and judgement over ethics.

As others have said, it is perfectly possible for both feelings to exist at the same time, and it doesn't mean that your ethical responses are invalid because you are also jealous.

As for me? I have my own personal feelings about cheating. My feelings and opinions are very strong. I am very much anti-cheating, and anti-lying of (almost) any kind.

On the other hand, my GF feels that cheating is justifiable. Though she's never cheated on a single person (and says that she never would), she believes that some people are stuck in marriages or relationships and 'have no choice' than to cheat. She feels that affairs can bring something that each person needs.

I will say that I don't necessarily think an 'enabler' is inherently dishonest, or would necessarily lie and cheat. I would actually say that enablers could be more along the lines of emotionally immature, inexperienced, naive, etc. Possibly even self-focused, or other things.

I say this because I personally had a 2-year affair with a married woman when I was 16. At that age, I was extremely emotionally inexperienced. I literally barely ever thought of her husband. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. However, despite this, I would *never* cheat on a partner of mine, am extremely honest, trustworthy and loyal (more than most people I've met, actually), and at the age of 29, I'd never get involved with a married (or otherwise joined) person again - because I now have the emotional maturity to understand how this can impact the other person.

So, overall, I don't think that an enabler will necessarily be a cheater - particularly if the enabler (your bf) is being honest with *you* about their affair.

My bottom line is that this wouldn't be an instant deal-breaker for me, personally. However, what it would do is lead me to lose a little respect for my partner. It would also lead me to wonder about their ethics, self-centered traits, compassion, sense of self-worth, etc. Wondering about these things would undoubtedly alter my perspective of them, and might alter my love for them, or my commitment / opinion of them.

When it comes to communicating my feelings and judgments on the situation, I'd do it once and that's it, unless asked again. If my GF wanted to be involved with a married man, I'd tell her that I don't personally approve of the behaviour, but that her choices are hers to make.

If I were in your position and didn't necessarily feel that it was a deal breaker, but that you were worried about his propensity towards dishonest behaviour, I'd have that conversation very soon. I'd explain how I felt, and most importantly, I'd ask him what he needed to be safe to be honest with me, in order to ensure that he doesn't have to feel like he has to lie to me in the future.
 
I've had a partner and I expirience a situation like this. Nothing as major, but we have been aproached by people that would be lying to see us. We have decided and agreed that we would not risk hurting them, ourselves, or the institution of Poly, by being a part of anyone's cheating. I think it's the best way to go really. Why dedicate yourself to honesty and openness then condone deciete and hurt.
 
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