Magdlyn,
Thank you for all of this, it's incredibly helpful!
Very good perspective on how I spend my time. I most definitely would not want to use the time I have with Annie to focus on Adam. That time is finite, and I'd definitely prefer to use every second of it with her.
Really appreciate the perspective on "permission" in poly relationships. It makes a lot of sense now that I think it more deeply. Thanks for that.
The point is that your authority figures give you permission. As a kid, that would be your parents, teachers, etc. But as an adult, a poly adult, if you have partners, you negotiate the kind of arrangements you want, and then you both sign on, so to speak, for this kind of contract.
If she thinks she needs Adam's "permission," she can blame him for what she can or can't do. But it ends up sounding like, "My dad says I have to be home by 10," kind of deal. It's best if she says (and thinks), "I have to be home by 10," because she herself has agreed to that for her own reasons. It's not good to make your OSO the bad guy.
Yeah, right now my time with her isn't locked into any type of schedule. Her time has been open to me when either Adam is out of town for work, and after they discuss it. Or when he is out with someone else.
This is kind of a flag... in poly, you can't always arrange to have a date with your OSO while your partner is on their date with their OSO (or out of town, or out with friends, etc.) What if he has plans, so you and Annie "get to" have a date, but then his plans are cancelled? Would Annie "have to" cancel her date with you just to keep him company? That ends up being like a mini veto.
Your last question is a really good one. I've been thinking about that, and will see if anything else comes up for me. My initial thoughts were that it would make things easier on all of us, especially Annie, if there was some form of friendship between us.
Valid. My nesting partner wishes her bf was more open to spending time with me, as a KTP V. But his time is limited and he is rather introverted, so our dinners together are fairly rare. My bf would also like to spend more time with my gf... But in the past, some of my former bfs have ended up getting crushes on my gf, and it gets weird. We tried some sexual threesomes quite some time ago, but it didn't work out (to say the least). So we avoid too much togetherness to this day.
I still think that's probably best, but I guess just knowing him was my initial desire. But, "What do I want out of it?" is a better approach. Definitely, I want to understand his feelings, needs, etc., around their hierarchy, I think that will be informative. Outside of that, I'd like to know his preferred relationship dynamics, and if he had a crystal ball what his ideal idea of all of this is months and years down the road, at least from what he can imagine now.
Generally, I get that kind of info about my meta from my actual partner. I don't want to be too nosy with my metas and all up in their business. I'm not dating them.
Obviously, I care much more about what Annie's desires are, but knowing is helpful, I think.
I just leave that kind of negotiation to my partner and meta. Then my partner can come to me with the final result, or the evolving decisions she has made or needs she would like me to meet. She has to accommodate her other partner. I just accommodate her.
Time, that's definitely one I want to discuss, I just have to figure out how, without trying to go too far too fast. I'll take a positive experience for the three of us above all else.
I know other poly people might disagree, but I've never been a fan of "helping" my partner to negotiate their issues with their other partner. I am not their marriage counselor. I don't want to be in between them like that.
I just followed their lead. He honestly seemed a bit nervous, and I was sensing a little tension between the two of them. I did ask him about his OSO toward the end, he really seemed to like that.