New to poly-- jealousy/flirting/etc.
- Thread starter Mark80
- Start date
Hi Mark80. Just to make sure you're in the right place, do you know the difference between polygamy and polyamory?
Hi Mark, welcome! Is there any particular entry point you're facing that is why you want to learn more? I.e. dating an already partnered person, or opening your own previously mono relationship, or something else?
Our pinned post at the top of Poly Relationships Corner has a list of resources you might want to dive into.
Or just read along on whatever is posted to help get the general feel for the kinds of advice given (Poly Relationships Corner) or how a few of us go about our lives (Life Stories and Blogs).
Glad you could join us.
Our pinned post at the top of Poly Relationships Corner has a list of resources you might want to dive into.
Or just read along on whatever is posted to help get the general feel for the kinds of advice given (Poly Relationships Corner) or how a few of us go about our lives (Life Stories and Blogs).
Glad you could join us.
Greetings Mark80,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
You've come to the right place, for learning more about polyamory. Dive into our various threads and boards, and let us know of any questions you may have. It's great to have you with us!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
You've come to the right place, for learning more about polyamory. Dive into our various threads and boards, and let us know of any questions you may have. It's great to have you with us!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Hi. I have a general understanding of polyamory. I was just interested in learning more about how people love more than one person and how they overcome jealousy.
Well, jealousy tends to be equated with a fear of loss. And when you release that fear, the jealousy abates.
Envy is more about fomo. You might feel a bit hard done by that person X is doing something with person Y and you're not. So overcoming this is about making sure you're doing the things you really want to do with your people.
As for loving more than one person, that partly depends on how well you nurture each relationship. Love is often the easy part, managing one's time, money and energy is the trickier part.
Envy is more about fomo. You might feel a bit hard done by that person X is doing something with person Y and you're not. So overcoming this is about making sure you're doing the things you really want to do with your people.
As for loving more than one person, that partly depends on how well you nurture each relationship. Love is often the easy part, managing one's time, money and energy is the trickier part.
Bobbi
Well-known member
Speaking only for myself, I’ve loved more than one, but have not been “in love” with more than one, so cannot speak to that.
As for jealousy, I’ve never felt more secure in my relationships in my life and yet still feel the very uncomfortable body sensation I equate with jealousy. I have over-analyzed my thoughts and fears, and in the end, it’s just a body response that I dislike. If I'm having negative thoughts, then I work on changing those thoughts, and get reassurance from my partner, if needed. (I don’t find reassurance makes it go away, but it’s always good to hear.) If I’m not having negative thoughts, then I distract myself from the feeling in my body by making my mind focus on something else. Music, singing, dancing, exercising, playing video games or even an engaging TV show or movie. Once the feeling goes away, it’s usually gone for good over that thing.
I just remember that feeling jealousy is a normal fight-or-flight bodily response. Some people think that your thoughts cause that feeling. Because it’s biological feeling more than an emotion, I think it’s the fight-or-flight body response that brings up negative thoughts. When there isn’t an actual fight-or-flight threat, your mind needs to find a reason for the feeling it, so your brain brings up insecurities or any minuscule issues in your relationship and makes them the problem. Those thoughts then bring in more emotions on top of the body response. That’s why people hate dealing with jealousy so much… because its more than just emotions.
If you can bring it back to a body response of fight-or-flight, you can let your body work it out, and you will come down once your body recognizes there’s no actual threat.
At least that’s how I look at it. That has helped me a lot.
The first time I had a great time during the date, but immediately when it was over, I felt horrible. I immediately talked to my partner, who reassured me that it was okay and I'd done nothing wrong. Once I knew that those feelings were true and he was genuinely happy for me, then I had no issues, guilt or anything.
Are you single or opening up a pre-existing relationship? It sounds like you're partnered, but looking to open.
Have you and your partner started looking into this together, or are you wanting to research the topic some before broaching the subject?
For a quick and thorough run-down of all the new-to-poly questions and concerns, I highly recommend getting or downloading the book Opening Up. Most people new to poly really get a lot of out of it. It was created from dozens of interviews with actual practicing polyamorists and is broken down into topics that everyone wonders about. You can avoid a lot of mistakes and pain by soaking in all that info.
Other helpful books are Polysecure and Designer Relationships. And there is a podcast, if you prefer listening, called Multiamory. I haven't listened to it, but I've heard it's great.
With every resource you can start from the beginning and just go through it all, or search particular topics that are in the forefront of your mind.