New to poly, monog question

C

Curi85

New member
hello,

I dare say that I can identify as poly. Well at least I'm almost sure. However I'm. lost. Currently in a situation where I am on a relationship with someone who is married. That being said, I seem to be the monogomous partner in a poly relationship.
it doesn't feel right. But I truly
love them both. I am actively with him but have a good relationship with her. This is my first experience with this and I actually didn't know that ploy existed up until 3 weeks ago. However I've been in this relationship for a little under a year. Help? Advice??
 
I'm not sure where the problem is. Are you happy here? Are you saying you want to be free to date other people too? Not just date the married guy?

Galagirl
 
hopefully this helps?

Thank you for the reply. Sorry I've never posted in a forum and don't have anyone to talk to.
I am happy, but I want to explore and date other people. I've brought it up before and he wasn't too keen on the idea.
While I'm happy with him and her, I feel that I lack any control over this new concept for me because of them.
Is that right? Normal? It's like part of me feels really confused and upset at the thought of me not being able to explore relationships with other men. The last thing I want to do is taint this otherwise beautiful relationship.
 
You can say you want to date other people. You are no longer willing to be in a "Closed" V. You prefer to move on to an "Open V." You plan to start looking on X date. You will not longer be keeping agreements to stay Closed.

You can give him the polite heads up that your preferences have changed. You can ask if he's willing to continue to participate in polyship with you in an Open V model or he prefers to bow out.

It is fair to ask him where his willingness lies. You are not a mind reader.

It is fair to ask for continuing consent, and pause to end things if it is not granted.

Each one of you owns each of your (willing and able.) You own yours. He owns his. She owns hers.

  • He could choose talk to you about what changes in your arrangements and what healthy boundaries he might need to feel ok enough. (ex: review safer sex practices, handling sex health labs.) He can then choose to continue to participate in a new polyship model with you with confidence.
  • Or he can choose to stop participating. If he wants a poly model that is a network of 3, and you want a bigger one? Nobody's fault, things just don't line up. You guys could choose to end the romance, agree to be friends, and you get move on to date whoever else you want to date.

This isn't like he gets to be the boss of everyone just because he's the hinge person in the "V." You do not have to shrink yourself to fit here. You are are allowed to have your own preferences. Speak up about them. Then sort it out one way or another.

The last thing I want to do is taint this otherwise beautiful relationship.
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How are you tainting anything? Could you be willing to explain?

I do not see how being up front and honest about where you stand is "tainting" anything in relationship. Those are qualities lots of people WANT in their relationships.

People change over time. What you want in your 20's may not be what you want in your 30's, 40's, and so on. You kind of have to check in with your people periodically to see where everyone is at and if you are all on the same page still. Nobody is a mind reader and taking people for granted is not kind.

While I'm happy with him and her, I feel that I lack any control over this new concept for me because of them.
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Are you saying you do not control who you pick to date or not date? :confused:

  • What is it he is doing that is blocking you from exercising your own choices?
  • What is it she is doing that is blocking you from exercising your own choices?
  • What are you doing that is blocking you from exercising your own choices?

Galagirl
 
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Welcome to the forums! As always, GalaGirl has some wonderful advice. Does his wife "get" to date others (I am guessing the answer is no, but thought I'd check). I suggest doing a site search on "One penis policy," or OPP, and reading some of the previous posts on the topic. It's not, unfortunately, an uncommon thing for men to try to impose on their partners, but it's inherently unfair and based in fear, insecurity, and purity culture/slut shaming. So, along with GalaGirl's advice, I would say if he has an OPP, talk to him about why and find out the root of his feelings that it's necessary.

Are you also expected to, at some point, become sexual with his wife, or is this current V configuration acceptable to everyone?
 
Curi85 said:
I actually didn't know that ploy existed up until 3 weeks ago. However I've been in this relationship for a little under a year. Help? Advice??
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I'm confused. You have been in this V relationship for a little under a year but didn't know that "poly" existed until recently? Have you been exclusive with him for the past year - or did you start dating and he has recently asked you to be exclusive? Were you aware the whole time that he was married?

I guess I am just wondering how you got this far into a relationship and just addressing these questions now.
 
Quote:
The last thing I want to do is taint this otherwise beautiful relationship.
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How are you tainting anything? Could you be willing to explain?
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IMO, your frustration at not being able to pursue other relationship sis far more likely to "taint" an existing relationship than talking honestly about your desires. If the person you are with is not willing to support you in pursuing what makes you happy, that's not you tainting the relationship. It's him trying to control your life.

While I'm happy with him and her, I feel that I lack any control over this new concept for me because of them.
Is that right? Normal? It's like part of me feels really confused and upset at the thought of me not being able to explore relationships with other men.
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Unless you are in a negotiated power exchange relationship, it is NOT right for you to feel you lack any control. It is, unfortunately, far to common for a "secondary" partner in poly to be made to feel that they need to submit to the whim and rules of the primary couple. There's a few threads about the forum that discuss "couple privilege" that address this issue.

You have the right to define what you want in a relationship. Sometimes what two people want in a relationship conflicts and no one's in the wrong--your partners want a closed triad and you want and open one. That happens, it's hard to manage, but it's just part of navigating multiple people's wants and needs.

Sometimes what two different people want in a relationship conflicts and someone is definitely in the wrong--an abuser wants to control you and use you as a punching bag, and you have no interest in being anyone's punching bag. That's just unhealthy and wrong.

We don't have enough information to say if the conflict between you and your partner is just people wanting different things, or your partner being unreasonable and controling (which may or may not go back to the One Penis Policy mentioned earlier in the thread). What we can say is that you have every right and reason to state your wants and needs in this relationship (to be able to see other men). If your partner tells your its his way (just him) or the highway, well then you know he is ore interested in controling you than supporting you.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
I'm confused. You have been in this V relationship for a little under a year but didn't know that "poly" existed until recently? Have you been exclusive with him for the past year - or did you start dating and he has recently asked you to be exclusive? Were you aware the whole time that he was married?

I guess I am just wondering how you got this far into a relationship and just addressing these questions now.
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This kind of thing is surprisingly common. People who are drawn to non-monogamy but haven't heard of polyamory or don't have any connection to other non-monogamous communities fall into non-monogamous relationships and muddle through as best they can. Without knowing anything about how to make non-monogamy work outside of some (usually really incorrect) knowledge of historical polygamy, they don't do any of the communication and question asking that folks in the poly community take for granted.

Think of a couple of kids in highschool, three months into the relationship they have a big fight b/c he went out with another girl. They never said they were exclusive, so he doesn't see what the big deal is, she can't understand why he would cheat on her, who the hell goes steady for three months and then suddenly says "well, we're not actually exclusive or anything." They don't have the experience in having relationships to know that this is a conversation they should have had before things reached this point.

I can't speak for you, but in my first poly relationship I had heard of poly, but only heard of it, didn't read any of the books or blogs, had no connection to the community, and hell yeah we went well over a year before some really important things came up. We didn't know any better and that's just the way it was.
 
JessicaBurde said:
I can't speak for you, but in my first poly relationship I had heard of poly, but only heard of it, didn't read any of the books or blogs, had no connection to the community, and hell yeah we went well over a year before some really important things came up. We didn't know any better and that's just the way it was.
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Ah, well, I see. I was familiar with the concept (thanks to Heinlein), well before I reached an age where it was relevant. It would seem to me that defining what expectations you have in a relationship (mono or poly) would be fundamental to building that relationship in the first place. Then again, I've always been fairly relationship-averse, so from the very beginning I always wanted to know just what I was getting myself into!:rolleyes: (Long version in my "Journey" blog here.)

(Perhaps it should be noted that I have relatively limited "relationship" experience - in that I am still IN every serious relationship I have ever had.:p)
 
Also, remember that poly relationships have been going on for centuries before "poly" was a word and certainly before poly communities, poly books and poly blogs.
 
When my ex h and I first opened, he requested a one penis policy. His idea was, I was bi, we found a woman we thought we could share, why did there need to be any other cocks in the equation?

Silly man. I tried to set him straight. Oddly he just got angrier. It wasn't until his gf (she turned out to not be interested in me) concurred with me that a one penis policy was sexist and hypocritical, that he saw the light. :rolleyes: Of course, being his new hot lover, her word was golden.

Right now your bf has 2 lovers, his wife and you. Even if you are bisexual (not sure) you are not attracted to his wife, you may not be attracted to any other women right now. You never know. Another hot guy might come along. Your bf needs a slap upside the head (figuratively). If he is straight (and poly), he has what he wants. 2 female lovers. Good for the goose, good for the gander. If you are straight, you get what he gets, 2 male lovers (or more, if you can handle it). If you are bi, you get 2 male lovers, or a male and a female, or whatever! He isn't in charge of you. You are an autonomous person.

Read this "Secondary's Bill of Rights":

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
 
I was also a poly-friendly or "theoretically poly" person before I knew what poly was.

Before learning about polyamory/consensual non-monogamy all of my relationships were monogamous, but I told partners that if they wanted to hook up with people on the side, I was fine with that (nobody took me up on it). I also mulled through the idea of a partner building an emotional connection with another partner and being able to love more than one person at a time, but I never talked about it with a monogamous partner, because I never got past the "you could hook up with someone else" phase with anybody.

Anyways, I eventually moved to a new area and fell into a polyamorous community, and then decided to be actually polyamorous. I never had a problem with cheating or falling in love with more than one person at once before I was poly because I have a really hard time forming strong relationships with people - now being poly, I have some sexual relationships with friends who I also love deeply. And I have Jonathan, who is my anchor partner and the only person who I've ever thought I could spend the rest of my life with him (which isn't to say that all my relationships have been about lifetime commitment - most of them have been about enjoying each other while we could, before our differences became insurmountable).

Anyways, my point is, in my late teens and early 20s (late '90s, early '00s), computers were already everywhere, and it was possible to look up all sorts of things online - but only if you'd heard of them, and knew what to look for. I didn't hear about polyamory until my mid-20s. I did grow up in a rural area and then went to college in a small town, so maybe that made it hard to learn about polyamory?

Based off of my experience, I can very much see people not knowing about polyamory even if they are inherently polyamorous.
 
Curi, you need to always remember that you are the boss of you. You can do whatever the fuck you want, see whoever the fuck you want, and live your life as you see fit. You don't need anyone's permission. However nice it's been, or however nice this couple seems, they are putting their own needs first - you certainly don't have to clear it with them to do the same.
 
Yep, you are free to choose how many partners you have but that doesn't mean that he will choose to continue a relationship with you. I got with a monogamous man because I didn't want to deal with metamores. Im not into sharing my space with other women, if Sam chose to seek others he's free to do so but I would choose to no longer be in a relationship with him.
 
Inyourendo said:
Yep, you are free to choose how many partners you have but that doesn't mean that he will choose to continue a relationship with you. I got with a monogamous man because I didn't want to deal with metamores. Im not into sharing my space with other women, if Sam chose to seek others he's free to do so but I would choose to no longer be in a relationship with him.
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That's the euphemism of the year. What exactly does the word "free" mean when used that way? How could someone be less free than in such a situation? If the consequence of an action is to loose ones dearest, you are in no way "free" to act.
It's fine for me (of course - I am far away :) ) for you to live that way and also for Sam it may be quite fine. However, the choice of words does not really match reality.
 
Well anyone has free will. I can't stop some one from doing what they want to do, I can only control myself and whether or not im willing to support that choice. It happens all the time, one partner decides they are are poly and want additional partners and the monogamous partner has to decide whether they are willing to participate in that. No one is controlling anyone else but perhaps the price of admission for that relationship is monogamy. I chose a monogamous partner for a reason, it's my personal preference. Just like his personal preference is that I don't have more partners and I choose to honor that to maintain a relationship with him. I am free to choose more partners but I know that it would cost me if I did.
 
Inyourendo said:
Well anyone has free will. I can't stop some one from doing what they want to do, I can only control myself and whether or not im willing to support that choice. It happens all the time, one partner decides they are are poly and want additional partners and the monogamous partner has to decide whether they are willing to participate in that. No one is controlling anyone else but perhaps the price of admission for that relationship is monogamy. I chose a monogamous partner for a reason, it's my personal preference. Just like his personal preference is that I don't have more partners and I choose to honor that to maintain a relationship with him. I am free to choose more partners but I know that it would cost me if I did.
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You have a one vagina policy?
 
Curi85 said:
Is that right? Normal? It's like part of me feels really confused and upset at the thought of me not being able to explore relationships with other men. The last thing I want to do is taint this otherwise beautiful relationship.
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I'm reinforcing the opinion above that exercising your right to choose your own partners doesn't not taint a relationship. If you want to date someone else, and your boyfriend reacts poorly, his inability to manage his emotions is what taints the relationship.

nycindie said:
they are putting their own needs first - you certainly don't have to clear it with them to do the same.
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Putting your own needs first is the healthy way to do it. The problem comes when you completely ignore the fact that others in your life have needs too.

Kerala said:
That's the euphemism of the year. What exactly does the word "free" mean when used that way?
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Ahh, the old confusion between "free to choose" and "free from consequence."

We're all free to choose anything within our mental or physical means. We're never free to behave without consequence. That's the foundation of the whole decision making process: weighing our desires against the consequences and choosing the optimal outcome.
 
It is a one vagina/penis policy if someone in the relationship isn't allowed to have other partners. If your partner deciding to date other people would be met with disappointment and horror, then yes, you are in a one vagina policy.

I would also suggest that a poly person's preference for mono partners is indicative of the type of control issues present in OPPs.
 
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