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CharlieBird

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I'm new here. I'm UK-based & have a partner & family & have the agreement from my partner that we open our relationship to a woman. He isn't active about this, I've had to fight to be heard over many years, been problematised & had to shift through many levels with it to get here. It's up to me to find her, I'm not sure about how the practicalities would play & I'm weary of the dynamics being this way but also accept, this is the reality & more work is needed from me & that he will follow if I continue to be as up front as I can.

I want advice on looking for her & feel I need the freedom & space in something & wish to move with gentle, slow steps. Partly because of my own self-care, partly because of the kids being young & wanting to protect them from any emotional storms. But this is set against a loneliness that has gone on for so long & that I wish to shift from....
 
Hi CharlieBird, welcome to the board.

I am not sure if you are seeking a "unicorn" (a woman for you and your male partner to share) or another partner just for you.

My advice is to seek a partner just for yourself. The chance that you will find a bisexual woman who will be equally sexually and emotionally attracted to both you and your male partner is slim to none (mainstream media to the contrary).

You say you are lonely. What do you mean by that? You have a male partner and children to keep you company at home. Do you also have some good platonic friends? (Female, male or non-binary)

If you do have lots of friends and family, do you mean by "lonely" that you are yearning for the romantic companionship of a woman? Or are you yearning for romance/sex in general? Are things good and satisfying with your male partner or has it become stale?

I'm sorry you have had to spend years asking for a female partner, and you finally only have his reluctant consent. The best polyamorous relationship is one in which each partner is joyfully consenting, not just going along to get along. Would this whole thing feel different to you if you were seeking a woman just for yourself, and not that elusive unicorn that would somehow meet your needs for romance and also pique your male partner's interest somehow?

Where have you looked for this hypothetical partner so far?

These are just preliminary questions. Feel free to add more information.
 
Hello CharlieBird,

Here are some poly-friendly dating sites that may help you in your search:
What you are looking for probably won't materialize quickly or easily, but if you are patient and steadfast, you will find her eventually.

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello CharlieBird,

Here are some poly-friendly dating sites that may help you in your search:
What you are looking for probably won't materialize quickly or easily, but if you are patient and steadfast, you will find her eventually.

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Hello Kevin T, thank you for these links & for your kind words, I appreciate this very much. CBee
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi CharlieBird, welcome to the board.

I am not sure if you are seeking a "unicorn" (a woman for you and your male partner to share) or another partner just for you.

My advice is to seek a partner just for yourself. The chance that you will find a bisexual woman who will be equally sexually and emotionally attracted to both you and your male partner is slim to none (mainstream media to the contrary).

You say you are lonely. What do you mean by that? You have a male partner and children to keep you company at home. Do you also have some good platonic friends? (Female, male or non-binary)

If you do have lots of friends and family, do you mean by "lonely" that you are yearning for the romantic companionship of a woman? Or are you yearning for romance/sex in general? Are things good and satisfying with your male partner or has it become stale?

I'm sorry you have had to spend years asking for a female partner, and you finally only have his reluctant consent. The best polyamorous relationship is one in which each partner is joyfully consenting, not just going along to get along. Would this whole thing feel different to you if you were seeking a woman just for yourself, and not that elusive unicorn that would somehow meet your needs for romance and also pique your male partner's interest somehow?

Where have you looked for this hypothetical partner so far?

These are just preliminary questions. Feel free to add more information.
Click to expand...
Hello Magdlyn,
Thank you for this kind welcome.
I appreciate your advice. My instinct tells me to same, to look for someone just for me. I'm not very interested in threesomes, having tried it once & finding it too complicated emotionally, wondering how each person was & if anyone felt left out & wanting one person more than the other, but it was the bed of the other...!
What I meant by 'lonely' was not for platonic love or the love of females in my family. I had an awful break up from someone some years back & part of the healing was to let a lot more friendships in & admit to having a huge appetite for all sorts of connection, friends, colleagues, delighting in everyone where I could. I've also got a fellow bi guy that I work with, & queer mates who I can be open & talk to about the pressure of the hetero norms that come with being in a partnership with a man & being a mum. So yes, the loneliness was the missing of a female lover, the romantic companionship of a woman, to be seen by a woman, my experience has been very different with women, more personal somehow, more known.
This is not to denigrate men (I've quite a few very good male friends, 2 brothers who I adore) or my male partner, he's great. We are under a lot of pressure with one of the children being unwell. I don't think it's stale just very particular in what it provides me. He is bright & interesting & the sex is still hot. But it's like a tasty meal begins to be bland if it's the same meal every meal time.
I appreciate your expression of regret on my part, yes it's been extremely challenging & we've split up & got back together several times with him adamant for so long that monogamy was the only way, at times I found him deeply infuriating & upsetting & disrespectful. Yes, I hear you about the best polyamorous relationship being as you put it 'joyfully consenting' on both sides which is why I think it's really me seeking a woman. And yes, a unicorn seems so unlikely as to be far fetched.
I've looked for the female partner in life, I've not been on any forum until now & have not used dating sites due to his constant refusal to accept the possibility of her. It would have been going behind his back. I met someone in spring who she told me she was interested but it dissolved quickly without anything happening as her partner (a woman) did not want to open the relationship & got cross with me. I have not contacted her in more than 5 months, firmly believing in self-respect & a strong boundary. I miss her though & wonder what it would be like to see her again. It might be the lack of opportunities to meet people or the fact I've always been mega choosey, but this feeling for a person only comes every 5-6 years.
I've talked a lot about myself here & am interested to hear your reflections on what I've been saying but also on your own life & experience.
Thank you,
CBee
 
CharlieBird said:
I'm new here. I'm UK-based & have a partner & family & have the agreement from my partner that we open our relationship to a woman. He isn't active about this, I've had to fight to be heard over many years, been problematised & had to shift through many levels with it to get here. It's up to me to find her, I'm not sure about how the practicalities would play & I'm weary of the dynamics being this way but also accept, this is the reality & more work is needed from me & that he will follow if I continue to be as up front as I can.

I want advice on looking for her & feel I need the freedom & space in something & wish to move with gentle, slow steps. Partly because of my own self-care, partly because of the kids being young & wanting to protect them from any emotional storms. But this is set against a loneliness that has gone on for so long & that I wish to shift from....
Click to expand...
It sounds like you've done a lot of thinking within yourself and working with your partner to get to where he is okay with (or at least you have an agreement about) you seeking a relationship with a woman.

Your story worries me a bit in that I wonder how much say your partner will have along the way as you seek and develop relationships, some of which will not be the ones that stick, and some of which have more potential. Do you intend to give your partner veto power? Do you have any idea how they will deal with jealousy - as in, will he make it his job to work through that, or will he blame you and ask you to dial back your dating? Do you two agree on how child care and other domestic responsibilities are divided? Do you handle most of that so any time with potential new partners will seem to be a burden to him? These are the kinds of things I would encourage you to iron out ahead of time. Detangle a bit so that you have some "you time" (and potentially "you funding") that you don't have to answer for or plan around -- you take it and use it the way you want to. IF you already have that, then that's very good. Go meet some people!

I'm not sure whose self-respect and boundaries you meant regarding the person you met in the spring. If she chooses to stay in relationship with someone who doesn't want you around, it makes the most sense (to me) to consider that a closed door until and and unless she re-opens it. Trying to cowgirl someone away from a monogamous relationship is one of those things that creates more drama than anyone needs. And someone who's willing to cheat or sit the fence with a monogamous partner while stringing you along is saying a lot about how they shirk the hard work of maintaining and (when necessary) ending relationships. You don't need to knowingly take on that pile of difficult when you're already treading new territory. Stick with simple, straightforward, no-obvious-drama situations.

Finally, don't forget to turn the lens of relationship compatibility on your current partnership. No one likes to find out it's time to move from romantic-and-everything partners to friendly co-parents. But just as you don't want to spend your scant free time and energy chasing people who are in other monogamous relationships, you don't want to be stretching your partner to breaking by insisting on a relationship shape that is fundamentally incompatible with their sense of self and their relationship needs. And you don't want to be squished into a box that doesn't fit.

Good luck, and keep asking questions of yourself and others. There's a lot of perspective and experience in this forum. I hope you get more advice and have more to tell us.
 
I'm UK-based & have a partner & family & have the agreement from my partner that we open our relationship to a woman. He isn't active about this, I've had to fight to be heard over many years, been problematised & had to shift through many levels with it to get here. It's up to me to find her, I'm not sure about how the practicalities would play & I'm weary of the dynamics being this way but also accept, this is the reality & more work is needed from me & that he will follow if I continue to be as up front as I can.
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Really follow and agrees? Or is he saying whatever in the moment and relying on this being hard keeping you "de facto" monogamous?

I don't know if anything here helps you.


If you are going to proceed, better you NOT seek a unicorn for both of you. Just find a GF for just you.

But before you even do that? Reflect. Are you bending into pretzels just to avoid the fact that this might be better with him as decent exes and coparents? Rather an up and down and together and not?

we've split up & got back together several times with him adamant for so long that monogamy was the only way, at times I found him deeply infuriating & upsetting & disrespectful. Yes, I hear you about the best polyamorous relationship being as you put it 'joyfully consenting' on both sides which is why I think it's really me seeking a woman. And yes, a unicorn seems so unlikely as to be far fetched.
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Does he even consent to be in a mono-poly thing? Like he's not going to see anyone on his side of the V. And on your side of the V, you are going to limit it to seeking and finding this GF person you seem to want?

Because if you and him don't see eye to eye, and he wants strict monogamy? Where you want polyamory?

Or are trying to use poly to keep both him and find a new person? More like a "bandaid" thing?

You may have to accept that it's best to part ways first and stop going back and forth on it. Or drag some new party through the weirdness at home because you jumped the gun. People don't like being "collateral damage" on the side to a marriage that might be circling the drain. Poly has a way of shining a light on all the cracks.

So tread with caution.

I've looked for the female partner in life, I've not been on any forum until now & have not used dating sites due to his constant refusal to accept the possibility of her. It would have been going behind his back.
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Good that you refrained from cheating.

But if you and spouse are no longer compatible? Clean up your stuff at home so you can be free to pursue new people CLEAN. Don't do wonky poly.

I encourage you not to jump the gun and do your soul searching on this.

Galagirl
 
Hi and welcome to the forum

CharlieBird said:
I'm new here. I'm UK-based & have a partner & family & have the agreement from my partner that we open our relationship to a woman.…….…I'm not sure about how the practicalities would play & I'm weary of the dynamics being this way but also accept, this is the reality & more work is needed from me & that he will follow if I continue to be as up front as I can.
Click to expand...
Is your male partner truly aware of the pressure you feel living in a hetero norm structure and all that comes with him being a man ? You have avoided words such a spouse or husband is that because you dislike acknowledging that legal entanglement or because it’s factually true you’re not legally married ?

CharlieBird said:
….or my male partner, he's great. We are under a lot of pressure with one of the children being unwell. I don't think it's stale just very particular in what it provides me. He is bright & interesting & the sex is still hot. But it's like a tasty meal begins to be bland if it's the same meal every meal time.
Click to expand...

DOES he know this ? Understand this ? ARE you being completely honest with yourself on what your true authentic nature / self is ?


CLEARLY I only know what was written here which is almost nothing however if read this about myself and or my romantic partnership “ bland or heading toward bland “ I’d be thinking maybe it’s time to set you free. To me you could be describing the guy who serves you coffee in the morning ….great guy, bright, interesting.…serves a great cup of coffee….but over time his coffee service is a bit bland.

FROM what you wrote to me it seems like your romantic passions / heart lean way more toward women and or away from men or at least the one you share a house with.

My advise would be to ditch looking for a unicorn or even a female lover for yourself but rather truly think about what romantic / domestic relationship would make you happiest. Dont settle ….don’t participate in a hetero normative sham. Life is too short To settle.
 
I thought the OP was a bi guy in a gay relationship...but I could have misread it.
 
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