New to the idea and kind of stuck

L

Lou88

New member
Hello!

Me any my wife have been together for 15 years now and married for 6. I've recently realized that I'm (and probably always have been) polyamorous. We started to talk about polyamory in the last couple of months and after the initial shock now she kind of likes the idea. We have a really good and honest relationship, we can talk about anything, and after polyamory got in the picture it's even better now. We are more honest, if it's even possible, and it was good on our sex life, too. So it was worth it so far. :)

We got together at a pretty young age and we were always discussing the idea of an open relationship, sort of, playing together with others, swinging and stuff, but we never knew polyamory even existed. So she is and were kind of open to sex with other people, and now she likes the idea of polyamory, too, but she doesn't feel that polyamory is an innate feeling for her. She sees the cool things about it and understands why it could be a good way to live but she is scared of the strong feelings that new relationships could bring. It's not that she doesn't trust our relationship, or me, or herself, it's just the unknown that is scary for her. That you never know what could happen.

I want and try to help her with this but so far to no avail. I don't want to rush anything, we are just talking about things, but if she starts to think about serious stuff she always gets nervous or frustrated. We don't really have any time now for new people since we have 3 pretty small children, even talking is hard to arrange sometimes, so we are just exploring the idea. But we are kind of stuck at this point. We talked about her doing things first in the future, to see how things feel, since she doesn't really have any romantic experience beside our relationship.

Currently she feels like it's 50-50% between good things polyamory could bring into our life and the scary notion of it all. Could this clear out eventually for her? Is it possible for someone to be open to the idea itself but couldn't get themself to try it out?
 
Anything is possible and right now you are in a conversation. It may never progress beyond that. If it does, there WILL be bumps along the way. So, risk vs reward, or perhaps fulfilment vs longing. Certainly better to talk now without someone "waiting in the wings" for you two to sort it out enough that you can trust your spouse to have another partner, possibly even a life long partner.

Many newly opening up couples get caught up in the short term challenges (new sex, new feelings, new babies!!!!), which is natural, but taking a long term view - what could life look like at 77 years old (just to pick my Mum's age) - that's a bit of perspective that's always comforted me, because I always see my husband there. Therefore, I don't need to cling to the usual "couples privilege" stuff that shows up quite a bit in opening up stories.

I wish you all the best in your conversations.
 
Lou88 said:
... Is it possible for someone to be open to the idea itself but couldn't get themself to try it out?
Click to expand...

Being open to the idea of polyamory, and understanding that you are polyamorous, is the difference between your realization about yourself, and just talking about it. I'm not sure how you can convey this to someone who hasn't gained this clarity.

The conceptual challenges are much easier to grasp than internalizing it on an emotional and intuitional level. For some people, the barriers erected by mono socialization may be insurmountable, in which case they may never be comfortable in situations where others are.

All that being said, it sounds like you're approaching it from a healthy perspective. Perhaps, however, you might make it less about "helping her" and more about you being yourself, and moving forward in small enough steps for your wife to adapt. Little revelations that she comes to on her own from things that are experienced, will make more of an impact than words ever will.
 
Greetings Lou88,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like your wife would like to have some way of knowing what the pitfalls are in polyamory, so that she can avoid them. To that end, there's a book you should read ... "Eight Things I Wish I'd Known about Polyamory (before I tried it and frakked it up)," by Cunning Minx. For me I think the biggest pitfall was NRE. Fun to experience, not so fun for your spouse, at least not unless you are aware of its power, and influence over you. I can tell you more about my poly experience if you have any questions. In the meantime, get the book, and see if that doesn't help you (and your wife) feel better prepared. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Lou88 said:
Currently she feels like it's 50-50% between good things polyamory could bring into our life and the scary notion of it all. Could this clear out eventually for her? Is it possible for someone to be open to the idea itself but couldn't get themself to try it out?
Click to expand...

Honestly, I think 50/50 is a lot closer than many people contemplating the possibility of poly start at.

My MrS was poly-friendly, in intellectual principle, from the beginning but was much more comfortable with me having relationships with women (which, to be fair, was my focus for the first 20 years we were together). When Dude came into the picture it was still a rough transition for him (which was compounded by the fact that I did just about everything possible wrong despite identifying as poly and bi for my entire adult life!) Although he was honestly trying to feel differently it took a potentially life-threatening event to trigger the epiphany that led to his willingness to participate in a fully poly relationship. (I do, actually, think that he would have gotten there eventually anyway - but realizing that he could have lost his life shifted his perspective dramatically.)

Having the conversations is the first of many steps on the journey.
 
Welcome

You seem to be approaching this in a positive manner. Comversati9n is the key. We went through the book “More Than Two”. We would each read a chapter then discuss same. It has helped a great deal. Keep the research going. Regards.
 
Another thought... does she HAVE to get on board with polyamory? :confused:

What if you both agree to practice non-monogamy. And on her side it's open relationship where she can explore sharing sex with other people. And on your side it's exploring sharing sex and sharing love?

Or something else?

Why the assumption you both would be into the same kinds of non-monogamy?

Have you seen this image?

http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/nonmonogamy2.5.gif

Keep talking, but don't rush it. And in that talking, include talking about ways it might end. Whether it is you and her still together or not.

Other links that might help..

https://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com/

Galagirl
 
she likes the idea of polyamory, too, but she doesn't feel that polyamory is an innate feeling for her

That would describe myself Lou88

R is very much true poly, it is love and connection she seeks along with the sex. For me, I could be poly perhaps if I met the right person but I would not say that is my innate feeling nor what I am looking for...I'm far closer to just fun encounters.

I think that both can coexist in a marriage. For me it means doing a lot of work on myself to be cool with her emotional needs with another.
 
A trap couples often fall into is an attempt to match each other. GalaGirl is right. If she is more into casual, she doesn't need to pursue something deeper. My wife and I were that way. She wasn't that into pursuing new love, but I was. So she went out on her casual dates and I went out on more serious dates. But she didn't look at me like "hey, not fair that you have a girlfriend when I'm not looking for the same". It was more like "you do you, but I have too much on my plate to get too involved with someone else."
 
It's interesting because when someone says something like this, I assume the issue is that the person who wants "less" needs their partner to "match". I assume the need is of the partner who wants "less" because I can't imagine why the person who wants "more" would feel restricted otherwise.

Oddly, I find at least half of the time, it is the partner who wants "more" who feels some pressure for them both to be wanting and doing the same for this venture into polyamory to be morally okay. This is fairly common with newly opening couples. .

With more experienced poly people, you do get some who want their partners to be open to other partners. I have one friend who strongly prefers actively poly people for consensual sexual gratification through detail swapping and more and another just feels that anyone who is "poly-friendly but exclusive with monogamy" lacks some key values/priorities that they need in a partner. She's open to highly introverted people who don't meet many compatible people so are often functionally monogamous, but someone who rules out the possibility of intimacy with someone else due to their "commitment to monogamy" aren't a good fit for them. So no mono-poly for her, even if the person has been well suited to that style in the past.
 
Well, if you're stuck, just remember - this is a matter of a free will. Nobody can force you to be in the type of relationship you don't want to be in.
 
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