New to this, moving slowly

[Aaron]

Hello everyone.

I'm a fit man in my 40s married to a wonderful woman. We've been together a decade and I love her very much. However, for reasons I won't go into here, we needed to predominantly forgo sex in recent years.

I've been interested in poly my whole life but always assumed it was typical male fantasy material and not actually based on any "real" feelings/desires. However, in working on myself in recent years, I learned there was a lot more to why I'd be suppressing this realization subconsciously. I come from a family and background that would discourage polyamory, and I think this has also been a key component on why it's taken me so long to come around to this.

Ironically, I think I was even more resistant to considering poly when our sex life was dropping down because I assumed it was just my being selfish. Like perhaps I was simply projecting I was poly just so I had a convenient excuse to find sex elsewhere. But there were a lot of clues that have been there going all the way back to my development years. I've always been less prone to jealousy if I was dating someone who was dating others, so long as I felt secure in our time together. I always jumped at the possibility of bringing in a third when with a woman who was bi or bicurous, and having zero problem if she wanted to experiment with seeing the woman herself without me.

But probably the most revealing clues I can remember from my past is when a girl I was seeing was also seeing a close friend of mine off and on. I didn't bother me and I knew the things she was getting from him that I couldn't offer. At one point she suggested we do a threesome. And while we didn't ultimately make it happen, I found myself always regretting that we didn't. I knew it would be more her thing than mine, but I knew it would be a wonderful memory for her and lamented I didn't do more to make it happen when it could have.

Anyway, I've been talking about this with my wife and she's been supportive of my exploring this to an extent. I want to research this a lot and figure out where each of our comfort zones would realistically be before taking any steps. But I'll concede I feel a bit awkward that it's taken me this long to learn something so important about myself.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello everyone.

I'm a fit man in my 40s married to a wonderful woman. We've been together a decade and I love her very much. However, for reasons I won't go into here, we needed to predominantly forgo sex in recent years.

I've been interested in poly my whole life, but always assumed it was typical male fantasy material and not actually based on any "real" feelings/desires. However, in working on myself in recent years, I learned there was a lot more to why I'd be suppressing this realization subconsciously. I come from a family and background that would discourage polyamory, and I think this has also been a key component on why it's taken me so long to come around to this.

Ironically, I think I was even more resistant to considering poly when our sex life was dropping down, because I assumed it was just my being selfish. Like, perhaps I was simply projecting I was poly just so I had a convenient excuse to find sex elsewhere. But there were a lot of clues that have been there going all the way back to my development years. I've always been less prone to jealousy if I was dating someone who was dating others, so long as I felt secure in our time together. I always jumped at the possibility of bringing in a third when with a woman who was bi or bicurious, and having zero problem if she wanted to experiment with seeing the woman herself without me.

But probably the most revealing clues I can remember from my past is when a girl I was seeing was also seeing a close friend of mine off and on. I didn't bother me and I knew the things she was getting from him that I couldn't offer. At one point she suggested we do a threesome. And while we didn't ultimately make it happen, I found myself always regretting that we didn't. I knew it would be more her thing than mine, but I knew it would be a wonderful memory for her and lamented I didn't do more to make it happen when it could have.

Try not to regret this too much. Having one of your partners date a friend of yours can sometimes go really badly. If something goes wrong in their r'ship, it can affect your friendship with the guy, and you could even lose him.

Also, just FYI, polyamory (many LOVES) is not the same thing as group sex. Most polyamorists do NOT have sex with both of their partners at once, or go to sex clubs, or tag team with a friend or whatever. Your desire for group sex is just a whole different thing from loving more than one. Have you actually loved more than one person at a time, or just had multiple sexual partners and some group sex?

Anyway, I've been talking about this with my wife and she's been supportive of my exploring this to an extent. I want to research this a lot and figure out where each of our comfort zones would realistically be before taking any steps. But I'll concede I feel a bit awkward that it's taken me this long to learn something so important about myself.

I'm so glad you broached the subject to your wife. I'm just going to assume she has a health issue, or is tending toward asexuality, or has realized she's gay... something like that. I applaud her openmindedness. I think it's so unfair when one partner loses interest in sex (and has worked on this, tried to find out the cause, etc.) but doesn't "allow" their partner to seek it elsewhere, when they just can't make it happen together.

You're wise to research! Most successful poly couples do at least a year of research before opening up officially. Sometimes the sexual partner has someone waiting in the wings and jumps into it all naive and uninformed, and it becomes a shitshow. There are good websites, articles and books:

how-to books:

Opening Up
Polysecure
Designer Relationships

Anthropological study written for laypeople:
Sex at Dawn: how we mate and why we stray

It's okay that you are coming to an understanding of these concepts later in life. Modern polyamory is still not well-known or understood. The first book about it, The Ethical Slut, was only published in 1999.

 

[Aaron]

Also, just FYI, polyamory (many LOVES) is not the same thing as group sex. Most polyamorists do NOT have sex with both of their partners at once, or go to sex clubs, or tag team with a friend or whatever. Your desire for group sex is just a whole different thing from loving more than one. Have you actually loved more than one person at a time, or just had multiple sexual partners and some group sex?

I more meant that in the context of a "sign" that I was more open when I was young to pluralistic experiences, even if I didn't really process it well at that time.

To the larger question, I'll give a qualified "maybe". I've had crushes on others when inside an existing relationship, but I've always assumed it was something not appropriate to explore, so would actively try to avoid thinking of it. That said, I would quite regularly think of sex in pragmatic terms, both for me and for my partner.

For example, I dated a girl who shared at one point that she really enjoyed some foot stuff which I tried for her, but couldn't get into. But I regularly thought, "Why not just let her get that from the guy she was enjoying it from originally." He wasn't really serious relationship material, but he probably would have enjoyed occasionally encounters with her for that and I found myself thinking of it pragmatically for that reason. Like, "Hey, if she can get that joy taken care of here and I still feel she's mainly into me for everything else... why not?" But I never really suggested it given how outlandish it seemed to do so.

It's interesting to replay a lot of these past experiences and what I was thinking at the time in this new light. I really do think my upbringing and sense of "true" romance kept me from considering how different I'm wired than I thought.

I'm just going to assume she

You're on the right track. I'll just say it will likely end up somewhere on the mono-poly spectrum. But that makes me even more cautious about the approach.

how to books:

Thank you so much for these suggestions! I have nearly completed Opening Up already, but will likely get the following two as well.

Honestly, the most reassuring thing for me is reading all the stories here. I used to think of myself as more open minded and empathetic to others with different orientations and lifestyles. And while I'd say that's 99% true, the remaining 1% is how I was keeping myself out of consideration for this for so long without realizing it. Poly has made sense to me for a long time in such a profound way, but I just continually took myself out of this category as I figured I'd hold out until I found "the one" with expectation that while they wouldn't be perfect, they'd be close enough that all our mutual differences would be nearly irrelevant. It's funny how differently I feel now and why that can actually be an unfair pressure to put on someone else as you grow and change, depending on one's circumstances and commitments, of course.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Aaron,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Don't worry about it taking a while to realize you are poly -- that's how it is (has been) for most of us. I wasn't aware of polyness in myself until I was forty. Took me almost that long to quit the church, in case that's relevant. In any case, it sounds like you have made a good start into polyamory, and your wife is supportive. I'm glad you could join our forum.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Aaron]

I wasn't aware of polyness in myself until I was forty.

I'm definitely feeling conflicted. On one end, I'm annoyed it has taken me so long to realize this. On the other, I'm astonished at how deep it goes within.

If there were such a thing as NRE – but for yourself – that's the vibe I'm feeling right now.

 

[kdt26417]

Monogamous conditioning is strong. It can take a long time to overcome it. Many people never do.

 

[Evie]

If there were such a thing as NRE – but for yourself – that's the vibe I'm feeling right now.

I recognise this feeling, it can also happen after a break up of a significant relationship when you look at the possibilities ahead of you with renewed energy and curiousity. Loving oneself is such a hard concept to understand, but having vim and vigour is a pretty good reflection of it.

 

[SlowPoly]

I recognise this feeling, it can also happen after a break up of a significant relationship when you look at the possibilities ahead of you with renewed energy and curiousity. Loving oneself is such a hard concept to understand, but having vim and vigour is a pretty good reflection of it.

I get this off and on in life, too. I’m always trying to be a partner I want to be with. I’m not always self-smitten. But sometimes I really like that I’m stuck with me.