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Brideofchaos

New member
I am new to poly. Is it normal to be jealous at first when sharing your man with another woman and how do you deal with it? Do the jealous feeling go away after a while? In other words do i need to be patient with my feelings and go with the flow.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
That depends on a lot of things. What I will say, is that when all else is healthy and right for people involved, yes, time and experience does seem to be the common factor in jealousy changing from a big daily obstacle to a fleeting feeling that passes like a cloud. Might be a bit dull and miserable while it is there and sometimes is lingers for a longer time than others, but it does pass.
 

3908

Member
welcome to the forum! im fairly new to the forum aswell.
 

Evie

Moderator
Definitely be kind to yourself, don't berate yourself for your feelings, or fight them, but rather recognise what you're feeling when you're feeling it, and realise that that feeling will pass (all of them do). Sure, you might feel it again another time, but you can employ the same process. It is just a feeling, it doesn't have the meaning you might be tempted to layer onto it. Recognise the physical sensation that comes with that feeling. Learn to dissipate that physical sensation (simple mental trick to this) and understand it doesn't rule you.

It may also help to modify your language and then thinking about him. "My man" is an indicator of possession, but he's not an object to be possessed. He's an autonomous person who is quite capable of maintaining your shared relationship as well as having the ability to be with friends, family and lovers without it actually affecting you beyond a little time management (and money, if you have co-mingled finances). If you let go the possessive language, start discussing the relationship and not the person, then it can help a lot.

I'm sure Kevin will be along with his list of jealousy links, too, and others will chime in with many more nuances (like, are you feeling jealousy or envy).

All the best. It's a rewarding love style of you can work through the difficult bits.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter

Brideofchaos

New member
Maybe "Making Peace with Jealousy" also helps you?


And is it jealousy? You have something you fear you will lose?

Or envy? The new partner gets something you wish you had?

Galagirl
Interesting, I don't fear losing him, so maybe it is more envy, more of "is she better then me" "does he like being with her more" " does she gets it more times a night them me" (not sure why this would bother me, I get what I need on my nights, although we are overdue for a good Saturday night sweat workout lol) but maybe all these questions to are because I am being insecure? I haven't said anything to husband figured its stuff I need to work out on my own.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
You could mention it to your husband, he might be able to help you work it out, I'm sure he would want to.

Re (from Brideofchaos):
"Thank you for the links"

You're welcome.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Interesting, I don't fear losing him, so maybe it is more envy, more of "is she better then me" "does he like being with her more" " does she gets it more times a night them me" (not sure why this would bother me, I get what I need on my nights, although we are overdue for a good Saturday night sweat workout lol) but maybe all these questions to are because I am being insecure? I haven't said anything to husband figured its stuff I need to work out on my own.
Have you read Opening Up? Besides "jealousy" or "envy" you could explore other things, such as "new relationship energy."

Your h's OSO just might be "getting it more times a night" than you, just because she's a novelty. On the other hand, maybe her libido isn't as high as yours and she turns him down. It's not really your business. If you're have negative feelings about this issue, it's best to just not ask or let your h tell you about "how many times a night" he's getting it from his OSO.

If you end up feeling compersion (empathy, happy for him when he's happy) you'll be able to hear more about his activities with her (of any kind) and not feel jealous or envious.
 
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