New to this…

[yungriotgrrrl]

This is more in regards to opening up the relationship, less about polyamory. I’m sorry if this doesn’t follow the community, I just didn’t know where else to go.

I recently discovered that my partner wants to be intimate with someone else. We’re engaged, we’ve been together for over 5 years, and our sex life has really changed. My libido has decreased and he is not satisfied with our sex life. I started reading the book “Opening Up” to find some answers but I was hoping to talk to people about their own personal experiences.

I’m feeling a lot of different emotions. Fear, jealousy, being unworthy and unattractive, all sorts of negative thoughts. But at the end of the day, I want my partner to be satisfied and happy. If he needs more, I’m open to the idea of him seeing this other person, but I need to figure out how to deal with it.

I don’t have an interest in anyone else right now, but I don’t think having a one-sided open relationship is right. I feel like it should be equal, if he is seeing someone else, I should have the freedom to do the same. I’m nervous this idea will upset him and he will refuse to agree to that. I want things to be fair and for us to be equals. I think we should both experience the same journey together.

How do I deal with this? How do I express this to him? How do we move through this as a couple?

 

[LaminarFlow]

This is more in regards to opening up the relationship, less about polyamory. I’m sorry if this doesn’t follow the community, I just didn’t know where else to go.

Welcome.

I recently discovered that my partner wants to be intimate with someone else. We’re engaged, we’ve been together for over 5 years, and our sex life has really changed. My libido has decreased and he is not satisfied with our sex life. I started reading the book “Opening Up” to find some answers but I was hoping to talk to people about their own personal experiences.

Every person and dynamic is different. There is no one size fits all approach. It is mostly about what is best for you and you only regarding this situation.

I’m feeling a lot of different emotions. Fear, jealousy, being unworthy and unattractive, all sorts of negative thoughts. But at the end of the day, I want my partner to be satisfied and happy. If he needs more, I’m open to the idea of him seeing this other person, but I need to figure out how to deal with it.

It is very normal to feel this way, and there are many resources on this website how to navigate those emotions or eventually seeking a therapist together or individually.

I don’t have an interest in anyone else right now, but I don’t think having a one-sided open relationship is right. I feel like it should be equal, if he is seeing someone else, I should have the freedom to do the same.

Agree.

I’m nervous this idea will upset him and he will refuse to agree to that. I want things to be fair and for us to be equals. I think we should both experience the same journey together.

Do you want to be with someone longterm if he doesn't see you as an equal? (Libido aside)

If you want to go on this journey together, you make that clear to your partner before you are making a big commitment to someone that could potentially be a deep compatibility issue.

How do I deal with this? How do I express this to him? How do we move through this as a couple?

You make your wants and needs clear. Do some research together on ENM/polyamory. A therapist if needed, and if partner doesn't want to do that, you may have to accept that you and your partner are not compatible anymore.

 

[yungriotgrrrl]

Welcome.

Every person and dynamic is different. There is no one size fits all approach. It is mostly about what is best for you and you only regarding this situation.


It is very normal to feel this way, and there are many resources on this website how to navigate those emotions or eventually seeking a therapist together or individually.

Agree.

Do you want to be with someone longterm if he doesn't see you as an equal? (Libido aside)

If you want to go on this journey together, you make that clear to your partner before you are making a big commitment to someone that could potentially be a deep compatibility issue.


You make your wants and needs clear. Do some research together on ENM/polyamory. A therapist if needed, and if partner doesn't want to do that, you may have to accept that you and your partner are not compatible anymore.

Thank you for your response! When I have more time, I’ll do some searching on this site for the resources you mentioned.

You confirmed a lot of what I was already thinking. Sometimes we just need to hear someone else say it. Thank you.

 

[Magdlyn]

Have you sought medical advice about your libido? Or is your drive in the range of normal, just not at his level? Sometimes one partner will want sex 3x a week and the other will want it multiple times a day, for example.

Or do you have other health problems right now that make sex not a priority? Are you raising young children and not getting much sleep, rest or proper nutrition, for example?

Have you and husband continued to date each other, to instill those romantic feelings in you, and a feeling of closeness, and a feeling of being lovers, or does he expect you to perform at the drop of a hat, as if you were loaded with testosterone, as he is?

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings yungriotgrrrl,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are having some heavy struggles with your current situation. On the one hand, you want your partner to be happy, so if that means opening up the relationship then so be it, but on the other hand, opening up the relationship *feels* like cheating to you. It feels like a betrayal.

I am in an MFM V, and I've always been okay with open/poly because it is done with mutual consent. However, I've had my own struggles with jealousy in the past, I think just about everyone, both monogamous and nonmonogamous, struggles with jealousy from time to time. You are dealing with some jealousy, and some insecurity. I found that for me, the secret to handling it was identifying my own needs, and giving my needs a voice. What are some of your needs? You said you don't have an interest in anyone else right now. Is there any way that could change? so as to make it more of an equal arrangement? or if you're not seeing anyone else, could you at least have the freedom to do so? What are your partner's thoughts on that matter? Have you discussed that with him? He should not get upset at you for wanting things to be fair.

I hope you can work this out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you for your response! When I have more time, I’ll do some searching on this site for the resources you mentioned.

Here is our list of resources.

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-articles-and-books-master-thread.155304/

 

[yungriotgrrrl]

Have you sought medical advice about your libido? Or is your drive in the range of normal, just not at his level? Sometimes one partner will want sex 3x a week and the other will want it multiple times a day, for example.

Or do you have other health problems right now that make sex not a priority? Are you raising young children and not getting much sleep, rest or proper nutrition, for example?

Have you and husband continued to date each other, to instill those romantic feelings in you, and a feeling of closeness, and a feeling of being lovers, or does he expect you to perform at the drop of a hat, as if you were loaded with testosterone, as he is?

I have mental illness that affects my libido, I have also gained a lot of weight throughout our relationship that has affected my confidence, which then also affects my libido.

When we met, it started off as a strictly sexual relationship. We had great sexual chemistry and would have sex every time we saw each other, usually for hours long or multiple times a day. As we continued to see each other, we developed feelings and the relationship turned romantic. We moved in together and eventually the “honeymoon” phase faded away, as it does in any relationship. But it got to the point where a whole month would pass without me wanting to be intimate. I think he could have sex every day. We also have struggled a bit recently in our relationship with learning how to coexist and how to communicate which then affects both of our interests in being intimate with each other. We started couples therapy but haven’t dived into sex talk yet. I think the therapy sessions are due for sex talk but I’m not sure if our therapist is familiar with kink/open/poly.

 

[Magdlyn]

I have mental illness that affects my libido, I have also gained a lot of weight throughout our relationship that has affected my confidence, which then also affects my libido.

When we met, it started off as a strictly sexual relationship. We had great sexual chemistry and would have sex every time we saw each other, usually for hours long or multiple times a day. As we continued to see each other, we developed feelings and the relationship turned romantic. We moved in together and eventually the “honeymoon” phase faded away, as it does in any relationship. But it got to the point where a whole month would pass without me wanting to be intimate. I think he could have sex every day. We also have struggled a bit recently in our relationship with learning how to coexist and how to communicate which then affects both of our interests in being intimate with each other. We started couples therapy but haven’t dived into sex talk yet. I think the therapy sessions are due for sex talk but I’m not sure if our therapist is familiar with kink/open/poly.

Well, time to ask, then. If they aren't, here's a list of poly-friendly therapists:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

 

[Magdlyn]

I have mental illness that affects my libido, I have also gained a lot of weight throughout our relationship that has affected my confidence, which then also affects my libido.

Is he still attracted to you at the larger size? I remember my ex h saying he felt like I offered variety, because I was quite slim for our first years together (when I was 19-29), and then I got pregnant and grew boobs and my weight never returned to my maidenly look, and he loved the more voluptuous me I'd become, as well!

Maybe your fiance prefers a slimmer look, or maybe it's just you that has lost confidence in your attractiveness now that you're bigger.

I wish I could lose *some* weight, but I don't wish to be that skinny girl again. I'm older, I like food, I can't exercise as hard as I used to because of arthritis. My ex h is just a memory now. We split in 2008. But my current partners find me attractive this way, which is nice.

When we met, it started off as a strictly sexual relationship. We had great sexual chemistry and would have sex every time we saw each other, usually for hours long or multiple times a day. As we continued to see each other, we developed feelings and the relationship turned romantic. We moved in together and eventually the “honeymoon” phase faded away, as it does in any relationship. But it got to the point where a whole month would pass without me wanting to be intimate. I think he could have sex every day.

I hope the counseling can help. You might not want to rush into opening up your relationship right away, or get married, until you get some of these psychological issues worked on between you. He won't be much of a dating partner for others if his primary relationship is troubled, either.

There's a saying that "relationship in trouble, add another" is never a good idea. It's just a Band-Aid on a bigger problem.

I know anti-depressants can really cause either weight gain or a lower libido, or both. My partner Pixi is on meds that cause her sex drive to be very very low. Like once a month she wants 15-30 mins of sex. I have pursued poly partly because of the mismatch in our libidos, but we were both poly when we met so that was never an issue.

 

[LaminarFlow]

We also have struggled a bit recently in our relationship with learning how to coexist and how to communicate which then affects both of our interests in being intimate with each other. We started couples therapy but haven’t dived into sex talk yet. I think the therapy sessions are due for sex talk but I’m not sure if our therapist is familiar with kink/open/poly.

Apologies, but maybe I'm wrong. I think sex is the least of the problems. Your partner treating you as an equal right now is more important.

Polyamory is about equity. It will cause way more problems when you are opening up or get married if he doesn't agree and accept it. Things should be fair and equal first.

Did he atleast agree you would be able to see someone else as well?

 

[Magdlyn]

Apologies, but maybe I'm wrong. I think sex is the least of the problems. Your partner treating you as an equal right now is more important.

Polyamory is about equity. It will cause way more problems when you are opening up or get married if he doesn't agree and accept it. Things should be fair and equal first.

Did he atleast agree you would be able to see someone else as well?

It sounds to me like she just hasn't brought up the subject:

I don’t have an interest in anyone else right now, but I don’t think having a one-sided open relationship is right. I feel like it should be equal. If he is seeing someone else, I should have the freedom to do the same. I’m nervous this idea will upset him and he will refuse to agree to that.

I could see his objection being, "If you won't have sex with me anymore, why should we open the relationship on both sides so you can have sex with someone else instead of with me?"

 

[LaminarFlow]

I could see his objection being, "If you won't have sex with me anymore, why should we open the relationship on both sides so you can have sex with someone else instead of with me?"

True. If he will object it is still not reasonable. OP could want to have the option to find intimacy with someone in other ways besides sex.

wants to be intimate with someone else.

he is not satisfied with our sex life.

Maybe here intimacy here means just sex. I am wondering if it is more than sex, because polyamory wasn't the topic