RestsInReason
New member
Apologies for the long post. But I'm at my wits end I don't know what to do to keep my partner and myself happy.
Background: I am a gay man in my early 30s and I've been with my partner of 9 years before we decided to enter this triad. We've attempted one triad previously but the person who joined us only told us he had feelings for me and not my partner a year and half into the relationship. We gave it a go 1-1 in a V setting for a bit but that didn't work. I left my partner for a brief period to find out if things would work out with this new person and eventually was burnt and patched things up with my stable partner.
Drained from opening myself up to two and having lost one. I told my current partner that if he still decided to find another (as I can't bottom for him and he's versatile while I'm top) he would have to take lead. But I wouldn't be ready for awhile
Anyway 2014 was a difficult year and we didn't explore much. But a person I got to know on one of those location based apps started getting to know my partner through one of the social media platforms after I had chatted with him and explained the situation we were in. That we were looking to add a third if everyone involved had some level of romantic interest in everyone involved.
They met up first in december as I had a trip with the extended family (think kids kids and more kids) and I met up with the new guy in January when I got back. It was awkward at first seeing how they've been chatting much more frequently before meeting up but I did like X.
So we start hanging out a little more often. And my partner wants to take things further. I tell him that I feel that he definitely has feelings for my partner Y but I'm not so sure if he does have the same romantic feelings for me. But if my partner thinks that there's a possibility that there's some level of romantic interest between us all. I would give it a go, even if X's love for my partner was more than his for me.
Over the course of 3 months, I felt a disconnect with what I was told “that he had feelings for me” and just went along. There was time spent alone with X but it felt like X was just wishing Y was around more and that I was filler. All this while I was prepping food for him in the mornings for work, sending both X and Y to and from work. And yes they would hold each other’s hands or touch one another intimately in the car. I felt like I was their cab driver, and given the choice they would have gladly both sat in the back. Sure a hand would be thrown my way once in awhile but the intensity just wasn’t there.
X says he has a history of depression, and work was getting out of hand for him, making him miserable and clam up. And we both said we would support his decision to quit if it was really getting out of hand. He did.
I continue sending X to another commitment for 2 weeks, and even offered to give his friends a ride out of a pretty remote area. And my car bumper gets wrecked in the process. On top of that I was going through a 1 year anniversary of losing my grand father whom I was very very close to.
X tells Y that my mourning the loss of my grandfather was unacceptable that I should have gotten over it by then. And that the days following when I didn’t have a car to send him to camp or deliver food to him before camp really annoyed and inconvenienced him. And Y tells me I have to be the bigger man and give in to him.
So fine I relent and I vent. That unless he’s gone through losing a parent at 18 and grandparent who’s actually looked after him and he’s had to look after, that he should just shut up.
We mend, if only for awhile.
We go on a trip (the 3 of us) Y has work so the first couple of days was just myself and X and I thought things were going well. He was sharing a little more of himself and I tried to relate some.
But he suddenly about faces and clams up on me on the 2nd day. Apparently I had offered to cover any difference for some shoes he wanted but was calculating the price differences online and he didn’t like that. I mean my intention was that hey if it’s a small difference and he’s going to use it. Lets just get it. Utility over minute differences.
He throws up a wall, I asked him what’s wrong several times and he says nothing and just continues on the day.
We head to the gym, and I tell X that Y is dropping by later when he has time to pass me a card for a discount for dinner later that evening. All this while I keep informing of Y’s whereabouts and actions as I know X wants to spend time with Y. But he gets mad at me when Y drops by real quick to drop off the card and X doesn’t get to stop his workout to meet Y. (Even though I informed him of it when it happened)
So at dinner, he grunts to me, asking me to order food. I order dishes I think he’d like, but he tells me after the dishes have arrived that he’s had a shake at the gym and isn’t very hungry. I ask him what’s wrong and he just shuts me out again.
We leave the restaurant, with the food unfinished. I ask him what’s wrong and he tells me nothing, I ask him if he needs space to cool down or something as I can just head out to the roof deck and clear some work. And he insists nothing. So I put on my earphones and start clearing emails.
Y comes back from work to the hotel room and starts talking to X. X has the impression that my headphones are drowning out their conversation but I hear that X sees me as a friend and nothing more. Not as his partner. I mean he was complaining about the rest of the day, about how he didn’t get to see Y at the gym either. But I think the main thing was that he sees me as just a friend and not his partner.
I later tell Y that that that wouldn’t work for me, but I would still try to be there as I know how much X means to Y, despite it going out the rule (I thought) we all had agreed on going into this.
Each time this happens. I'm just made to feel like I'm the cause of any negative emotions, and I'm supposed to go give in and make things better, or Y's expected to step in and make things better.
The next day Y offers to buy the shoes for X and X doesn’t flare up at Y the same way he did me. So that really ticked me off.
And X proceed in saying that I'm making it all about me, but his words have been directed at me. “I had a bad day at camp, because I couldn't fetch you in without a car and had to ask the cab driver to detour to an ATM and ended up late; how X couldn't explain why “his brother” (as that’s what he had told his friends) couldn't pick you up from camp" "How X expect things of someone in the 30s and how I'm not living up to it." "How I'm too easy to offer you(X) things, whereas when someone else offers it, you don't get ticked off in the same measure"
Then there was dinner on our final night on the trip. I go on ahead to get us a table as I know it’s going to be a wait. He takes his time at the gym and makes Y wait for him After we are seated and have ordered food and the food’s arrive he says that he’s heaving a headache and wants to head off first and will see us back in the room. And I told Y there and then, that he would see X mopey in the room and he would end up comforting X. Cos that's the person Y is. He sees someone who needs comforting and does his best to. And I know X knows that as well.
We catch up with X eating elsewhere and his words were centric on Y. How X wanted to spend time with Y and how you didn't like the fact I was sharing our side of HK with X.
Then X run off on us. He was having a panic attack saying he had to leave And I pursue, knowing Y would want to but can't or might hurt himself in the process. So I pursue.
Then X proceed in saying X was developing feelings for me due to the fact that I didn't let him go. I'm sorry, by the same measure (X brought it up in a talk; that X wouldn't want to be in this if it was simply a question of X being available to try it out), my apparently availability shouldn't be a factor in your feelings toward me. No white knight syndrome please.
I said I needed time to think. And even through text I felt cornered, X stated on Wednesday that he wanted to be a good friend, that we would call this quits and we started talking as friends. But the next day X suddenly assume the role of the victim again. That I've taken so much from him and how could I possibly give up so easily, questioning me if I ever had feelings for him. And I felt like X were trying to make me give in once again. To give it another go.
Doesn’t help that I read an article posted on insead if we’re victims of the victim syndrome. And each line just seemed to ring true.
So where does that leave us? I don't want to give up Y. I know he's done a lot for me. But I can't be in this any longer either. I was ready to be friends with X and have lines drawn but now I'm not sure I can do even that now after he just swung things around the very next day and made me the evil one who apparently gave up too easily. Sorry but 3 months of false feelings is draining for me. Or is 4 the bare minimum? I mean X says he wants to try it again but I don't see a point if my heart's closed to X for the things he's done & said.
And I know Y still has feelings for X, and X for Y. Do I be selfish and ask Y to stay by my side? I mean I have probably driven Y to tears several times this past week. And it really pains me to know he's in pain. And he is in pain.
What option I have if I can't take the options they want me to.
Do I try and enforce what Y and I agreed upon entering this? If there’s no love for everyone we call it quits? Since I’ve closed off my heart from X as I do not want to become any more emotionally involved with X than I already am.
Background: I am a gay man in my early 30s and I've been with my partner of 9 years before we decided to enter this triad. We've attempted one triad previously but the person who joined us only told us he had feelings for me and not my partner a year and half into the relationship. We gave it a go 1-1 in a V setting for a bit but that didn't work. I left my partner for a brief period to find out if things would work out with this new person and eventually was burnt and patched things up with my stable partner.
Drained from opening myself up to two and having lost one. I told my current partner that if he still decided to find another (as I can't bottom for him and he's versatile while I'm top) he would have to take lead. But I wouldn't be ready for awhile
Anyway 2014 was a difficult year and we didn't explore much. But a person I got to know on one of those location based apps started getting to know my partner through one of the social media platforms after I had chatted with him and explained the situation we were in. That we were looking to add a third if everyone involved had some level of romantic interest in everyone involved.
They met up first in december as I had a trip with the extended family (think kids kids and more kids) and I met up with the new guy in January when I got back. It was awkward at first seeing how they've been chatting much more frequently before meeting up but I did like X.
So we start hanging out a little more often. And my partner wants to take things further. I tell him that I feel that he definitely has feelings for my partner Y but I'm not so sure if he does have the same romantic feelings for me. But if my partner thinks that there's a possibility that there's some level of romantic interest between us all. I would give it a go, even if X's love for my partner was more than his for me.
Over the course of 3 months, I felt a disconnect with what I was told “that he had feelings for me” and just went along. There was time spent alone with X but it felt like X was just wishing Y was around more and that I was filler. All this while I was prepping food for him in the mornings for work, sending both X and Y to and from work. And yes they would hold each other’s hands or touch one another intimately in the car. I felt like I was their cab driver, and given the choice they would have gladly both sat in the back. Sure a hand would be thrown my way once in awhile but the intensity just wasn’t there.
X says he has a history of depression, and work was getting out of hand for him, making him miserable and clam up. And we both said we would support his decision to quit if it was really getting out of hand. He did.
I continue sending X to another commitment for 2 weeks, and even offered to give his friends a ride out of a pretty remote area. And my car bumper gets wrecked in the process. On top of that I was going through a 1 year anniversary of losing my grand father whom I was very very close to.
X tells Y that my mourning the loss of my grandfather was unacceptable that I should have gotten over it by then. And that the days following when I didn’t have a car to send him to camp or deliver food to him before camp really annoyed and inconvenienced him. And Y tells me I have to be the bigger man and give in to him.
So fine I relent and I vent. That unless he’s gone through losing a parent at 18 and grandparent who’s actually looked after him and he’s had to look after, that he should just shut up.
We mend, if only for awhile.
We go on a trip (the 3 of us) Y has work so the first couple of days was just myself and X and I thought things were going well. He was sharing a little more of himself and I tried to relate some.
But he suddenly about faces and clams up on me on the 2nd day. Apparently I had offered to cover any difference for some shoes he wanted but was calculating the price differences online and he didn’t like that. I mean my intention was that hey if it’s a small difference and he’s going to use it. Lets just get it. Utility over minute differences.
He throws up a wall, I asked him what’s wrong several times and he says nothing and just continues on the day.
We head to the gym, and I tell X that Y is dropping by later when he has time to pass me a card for a discount for dinner later that evening. All this while I keep informing of Y’s whereabouts and actions as I know X wants to spend time with Y. But he gets mad at me when Y drops by real quick to drop off the card and X doesn’t get to stop his workout to meet Y. (Even though I informed him of it when it happened)
So at dinner, he grunts to me, asking me to order food. I order dishes I think he’d like, but he tells me after the dishes have arrived that he’s had a shake at the gym and isn’t very hungry. I ask him what’s wrong and he just shuts me out again.
We leave the restaurant, with the food unfinished. I ask him what’s wrong and he tells me nothing, I ask him if he needs space to cool down or something as I can just head out to the roof deck and clear some work. And he insists nothing. So I put on my earphones and start clearing emails.
Y comes back from work to the hotel room and starts talking to X. X has the impression that my headphones are drowning out their conversation but I hear that X sees me as a friend and nothing more. Not as his partner. I mean he was complaining about the rest of the day, about how he didn’t get to see Y at the gym either. But I think the main thing was that he sees me as just a friend and not his partner.
I later tell Y that that that wouldn’t work for me, but I would still try to be there as I know how much X means to Y, despite it going out the rule (I thought) we all had agreed on going into this.
Each time this happens. I'm just made to feel like I'm the cause of any negative emotions, and I'm supposed to go give in and make things better, or Y's expected to step in and make things better.
The next day Y offers to buy the shoes for X and X doesn’t flare up at Y the same way he did me. So that really ticked me off.
And X proceed in saying that I'm making it all about me, but his words have been directed at me. “I had a bad day at camp, because I couldn't fetch you in without a car and had to ask the cab driver to detour to an ATM and ended up late; how X couldn't explain why “his brother” (as that’s what he had told his friends) couldn't pick you up from camp" "How X expect things of someone in the 30s and how I'm not living up to it." "How I'm too easy to offer you(X) things, whereas when someone else offers it, you don't get ticked off in the same measure"
Then there was dinner on our final night on the trip. I go on ahead to get us a table as I know it’s going to be a wait. He takes his time at the gym and makes Y wait for him After we are seated and have ordered food and the food’s arrive he says that he’s heaving a headache and wants to head off first and will see us back in the room. And I told Y there and then, that he would see X mopey in the room and he would end up comforting X. Cos that's the person Y is. He sees someone who needs comforting and does his best to. And I know X knows that as well.
We catch up with X eating elsewhere and his words were centric on Y. How X wanted to spend time with Y and how you didn't like the fact I was sharing our side of HK with X.
Then X run off on us. He was having a panic attack saying he had to leave And I pursue, knowing Y would want to but can't or might hurt himself in the process. So I pursue.
Then X proceed in saying X was developing feelings for me due to the fact that I didn't let him go. I'm sorry, by the same measure (X brought it up in a talk; that X wouldn't want to be in this if it was simply a question of X being available to try it out), my apparently availability shouldn't be a factor in your feelings toward me. No white knight syndrome please.
I said I needed time to think. And even through text I felt cornered, X stated on Wednesday that he wanted to be a good friend, that we would call this quits and we started talking as friends. But the next day X suddenly assume the role of the victim again. That I've taken so much from him and how could I possibly give up so easily, questioning me if I ever had feelings for him. And I felt like X were trying to make me give in once again. To give it another go.
Doesn’t help that I read an article posted on insead if we’re victims of the victim syndrome. And each line just seemed to ring true.
So where does that leave us? I don't want to give up Y. I know he's done a lot for me. But I can't be in this any longer either. I was ready to be friends with X and have lines drawn but now I'm not sure I can do even that now after he just swung things around the very next day and made me the evil one who apparently gave up too easily. Sorry but 3 months of false feelings is draining for me. Or is 4 the bare minimum? I mean X says he wants to try it again but I don't see a point if my heart's closed to X for the things he's done & said.
And I know Y still has feelings for X, and X for Y. Do I be selfish and ask Y to stay by my side? I mean I have probably driven Y to tears several times this past week. And it really pains me to know he's in pain. And he is in pain.
What option I have if I can't take the options they want me to.
Do I try and enforce what Y and I agreed upon entering this? If there’s no love for everyone we call it quits? Since I’ve closed off my heart from X as I do not want to become any more emotionally involved with X than I already am.
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