New triad but not working out.

Re:
"X says he wants to try ..."
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Yeah well, talk is cheap.

Re:
"X says he wants to try but it's been on his terms so ... I'm out."
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There ya go, that's the ticket.
 
My sympathies, RinR. You're getting ready to leave a 9 year relationship, that sucks.

I bet Y is head over heels in NRE with X, and has the some misguided ideas or fantasies about triads that is making him try to force you and X together. Ugh.

I hope for the best for you, either newly single, or perhaps with a more realistic Y back in your arms at some point.
 
I agree; I hope Y will realize some things and not insist on RinR associating with X after all.
 
Magdlyn said:
My sympathies, RinR. You're getting ready to leave a 9 year relationship, that sucks.

I bet Y is head over heels in NRE with X, and has the some misguided ideas or fantasies about triads that is making him try to force you and X together. Ugh.

I hope for the best for you, either newly single, or perhaps with a more realistic Y back in your arms at some point.
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Thank you Magdlyn.

kdt26417 said:
I agree; I hope Y will realize some things and not insist on RinR associating with X after all.
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Just to update. I received via texts from X that he "hopes I'm happy with the ending, that my paranoia, despite all the good intentions, still topples everything. That I drove both of them insane and he is quitting. That he deserves so much better, and we shouldn't implicate a third until Y and I settle the fault lines. Please take care"

Y hasn't said it as he's still overseas but I know he's heart broken and I want to be there for him. He's been requesting hugs and I hope the virtual ones I send are sufficient for now till he gets back.
 
I'm so sorry you deal in this. It's been a mess. :(

Sounds like X is off to seek new supply sources. And since it cannot be him doing bad behaviors, it has to be like something is broken about your personality for not enjoying this. I hope you don't take his text tantrum outburst personally. He sounds messed up and like he wanted last digs.

That whole thing with X saying that you mourning the loss of your grandfather was "unacceptable" that you should hurry up with it -- jeez! I suspect that was him wanting your undivided attention and mad he wasn't getting it. It just has to be "memememe" with him.

I hope things look up for you soon. I am sorry Y is hurting. That's not fun. I also hope you are able to comfort since you want to be there for him.

I also hope Y learned some things from the experience too -- like how to better handle his NRE so he isn't blind to serious caution flags. Some people just are not good dating partners. X sounded like a doozy. :(

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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Yeah that was pretty rotten of X to send you those texts. I guess since he was leaving he had to fire off a few parting shots. Love the "Please take care" at the end. So sweet and yet so sarcastic at the same time.

And I do feel bad for Y but like GalaGirl said, I hope Y also gains some more wisdom from this experience. No more X's in the future!

Try not to think about X any more than you have to. He's out of the picture now (thank gods).
 
GalaGirl said:
I'm so sorry you deal in this. It's been a mess. :(

Sounds like X is off to seek new supply sources. And since it cannot be him doing bad behaviors, it has to be like something is broken about your personality for not enjoying it. I hope you don't take his text tantrum outburst personally. He sounds messed up and like he wanted last digs.

That whole thing with X saying that you mourning the loss of your grandfather was "unacceptable" that you should hurry up with it -- jeez! I suspect that was him wanting your undivided attention and mad he wasn't getting it. It just has to be "memememe" with him.

I hope things look up for you soon. I am sorry Y is hurting. That's not fun. I also hope you are able to comfort since you want to be there for him.

I also hope Y learned some things from the experience too -- like how to better handle his NRE so he isn't blind to serious caution flags. Some people just are not good dating partners. X sounded like a doozy. :(

Hang in there!

Galagirl
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Thank you Galagirl, your input has been very much appreciated. X might think I'm not a good dating partner either but whatever, water off my back. I don't think his outburst with my mourning was over losing my attention actually, I think it would have been fine if Y didn't mention it or try to be there for me, it felt like he thought I was taking Y's attention off him.

kdt26417 said:
Yeah that was pretty rotten of X to send you those texts. I guess since he was leaving he had to fire off a few parting shots. Love the "Please take care" at the end. So sweet and yet so sarcastic at the same time.

And I do feel bad for Y but like GalaGirl said, I hope Y also gains some more wisdom from this experience. No more X's in the future!

Try not to think about X any more than you have to. He's out of the picture now (thank gods).
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Thank you kdt26417, he saved me the trouble by blocking me entirely on social media as well as the chat app we were using. When I wouldn't justify his texts with a lengthly reply.
 
I think it would have been fine if Y didn't mention it or try to be there for me, it felt like he thought I was taking Y's attention off him.
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Works out the same. X wants all attention on him from Y. He is all "memememe."

Him blocking is just as well. Hopefully things can calm down for you soon and go back to more normal life.

Galagirl
 
Just an update on the drama, so Y requested a day to spend with family (since he's traveling) but it seems X keeps messaging shit to Y. A whole bunch of "how could you do this to me, I gave you so much, I was your friend, why would you do this to me" cos Y responded to the similar texts he had sent me.
 
Attention supply.

If he cannot have positive attentive, he will take negative attention. Because attention is attention, and attention is his bread and butter.

Just so long as X is in the center stage taking up all Y's focus. More "memememememe!" drama out him.

I hope Y wakes up. Dealing with people like that can be draining. The only solution I know is to walk away so they flit off to suck someone else dry. :(

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Attention supply.

If he cannot have positive attentive, he will take negative attention. Because attention is attention, and attention is his bread and butter.

Just so long as X is in the center stage taking up all Y's focus. More "memememememe!" drama out him.

I hope Y wakes up. Dealing with people like that can be draining. The only solution I know is to walk away so they flit off to suck someone else dry. :(

Galagirl
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Negative attention indeed. Let's just say he's escalated, and I might have to call in his family to address his history.
 
You could notify X's family and then back off. You guys are not next of kin.

Is Y not willing / able to block him?

Galagirl
 
Wow ... X just won't quit.
 
I guess it's worth it to him to risk being outed himself in order to hang onto that negative attention. He's addicted.

Sucks for you guys though, I'm sorry it's happening.
 
He is in the middle of a tantrum because his supply "got taken away" -- I think that's how he will view it. Not like HE did behaviors that LED to this. He feels "victimized" so it helps him feel "powerful" to bully/threaten.

AND... drama = attention.

Plus chaos manufacture. He's a messed up sounding dude

From the link it suggests:

What NOT to Do:

  • Don't spend your time and energy trying to control the actions of a chaos manufacturer.
  • Don't retaliate or resort to bad behavior yourself.
  • Don't leave valuable objects in a vulnerable place.
  • Don't accept responsibility for fixing other people's messes.
  • Don't try to handle any crisis alone.
  • Don't force yourself to provide a logical explanation for the irrational acts of a Personality Disordered individual.
What TO Do:

  • Remove all items of value from the reach of the chaos manufacturer. This includes:
  • Access to bank accounts,
  • Important documents,
  • Sentimental objects such as photographs, gifts and souvenirs, and
  • Dangerous items, such as guns, drugs and knives.
  • Call for backup whenever there is an incident or crisis.
  • Remove yourself from any situation there is a risk of being physically hurt.
  • Call the police and report any threats, acts of violence or thefts.
  • Get support from people you can trust.
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I would add these suggestions to help de-escalate things for you:

  • Block him on all things. He blocked you, but you block him too so he cannot "re-open his side" to bug you again. Make yourself unbuggable.
  • Suggest Y do same.

  • If Y does not, and wants to cling on to X or keeps fueling X? Could distance yourself from Y till it blows over. Y choosing to keep exposing himself to X is his biz. You do not have to expose you.

  • remember that if you engage with him, it's providing attention supply. Starve him of supply, so he goes off to find another supplier and leaves you be. Be boring, flat.

  • Help the system help you. Report the reportable. Look up the restraining order sheet for where you live. It should list the reportable stuff -- like keep a log of calls, emails, coming by uninvited and unannounced, leaving weirdo "gifts" etc.

I am sorry you deal in this. Hang tight till it blows over.

Check out if emotional vampires has other suggestions too.

Galagirl
 
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[Redacted per requested] Cut that snake's head off before it can bite, so to speak?
 
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kdt26417 said:
Wow ... X just won't quit.
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GalaGirl said:
He is in the middle of a tantrum because his supply "got taken away" -- I think that's how he will view it. Not like HE did behaviors that LED to this. He feels "victimized" so it helps him feel "powerful" to bully/threaten.

AND... drama = attention.

Plus chaos manufacture. He's a messed up sounding dude. :mad:

From the link it suggests:



I would add these suggestions to help de-escalate things for you:

  • Remember X can make a tempest in a teapot on his own time. With no input he is more likely to run out of "fuel" faster. If you engage with him, it's fueling the fire, providing supply. Starve him of supply, so he flits off to tell his new victim his new tale of woe and how "horrible" you were to him.
  • Don't sweat the "truth" here -- just focus on X going shoo!
  • Def report anything that is reportable to the cops though. If he is going to Bonkers Stalker Land, report. Help the system help you. Look up the sheet for where you live. It should list the reportable stuff -- like keep a log of calls, emails, coming by uninvited and unannounced, leaving weirdo "gifts" etc.

I am sorry you deal in this. Hang tight till it blows over.

Check out if emotional vampires has other suggestions too.

Galagirl
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I have started blocking him too but still insists on meeting so keeping his entire family on speeddial if it gets out of hand. Not the best way to handle things but if he wants me to handle with my mess with my family, I will return the favor.

kdt26417 said:
Sucks for you guys though, I'm sorry it's happening.
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I can't thank both of you enough, the support and words have been comforting and reassuring that I am doing the right thing.
 
I've seen this referred to as an Extinction Burst: when removal of the reaction that the person wanted causes an increase of the behavior that used to cause that reaction.

Basically, it gets worse before it gets better, but it *won't* get better if anyone gives in. It just shows him what the new price of getting the reaction is.

A friend of mine married a woman who was extremely unhealthy, to the point where she was trying to take custody of his daughter away from his ex-wife, lying to people about who she was, and trying to scam him and his friends out of their money with one lie after another. Once he finally kicked her out, she ramped up the bad behavior to an EXTREME extent, coming to the window of his apartment and waking up the neighbors to scream that she was pregnant with his triplets, and how dare he kick her out into the street (among other things).

After ignoring her for weeks (sadly, it took that long), she finally up and disappeared... to the point where he couldn't even locate her to serve the divorce papers.

Do NOT meet with X. It will only reset the clock on his behavior. If Y chooses to do so, it's on him, but you don't need to involve yourself in this anymore.

I wish you a whole bunch of luck. Hang in there...
 
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